Welcoming

[Mirror_tan]

I feel like I'm a mix of all three. I'd love to go wild, but frankly, the world doesn't run on lolipops, rainbows, love, and joy. The world judges, judges harshly, and it's a dangerous place where doing that sort of thing gets you disliked, and worse. So I repress that. That's what fantasies are for, isn't it?
Wanting to be pretty? It's hard for me to say I don't fit into this category alone, as it is a big factor, but it's not the only thing. I've mentioned it before, that I've always felt that I was born into the wrong body too. But I'm not totally unfortunate either. I have a decent amount of things going right for me on the male side of things.
As far as I go, I'm not too bad in the looks department, though, personally, the fact that girls aren't jumping all over you with a body like yours, Hannah, leaves me flabbergasted. I've got a girl who cares for me, and, even though she, after 4 years of being with me, broke up with me yesterday, still cares a lot about me. I feel like I'm incredibly lucky for that.
And I do have family and friends who love me for who I am, right now, as a male. I don't feel like they wouldn't accept me if I started changing things, (which is a blessing in itself,) but I feel like if I go too far, I'm effectively dropping everything I have. I don't really know why I feel that way. But it leaves me afraid of making a mistake that I can't reverse.
That's why I'm trying to do most of this without altering myself way too much. And though I really do wish I could just be female, I still feel some affection for the way the body I was mismatched with is. That's why I feel willing to not totally pass, and to maybe stand out a bit from the rest. If I can blend in, it's bliss, but if I can't, I still want to make the best on it anyways. You know what I mean?

I know. I'm not sure if it's a real term, but I consider myself somewhat bigender. I actually like myself as a male, as well as female. In an odd soap-operaish turn of event I am the last surname carrying male in my family, and m sister has somewhat gotten somewhat at odds with my parents, putting a lot of pressure on me. However, at the same time, my parents don't want me to abandon them, so they take great pains to accept whatever I do. My mom knows; I came out to her while eating pizza at home last year, and she sort of accepted it. My dad doesn't know though...I don't think he;d be able to handle it.

Despite being 22, I am still a virgin, and have never been in a relationship. My last attempt was an MS-Painted disaster turning from a simple rejection into a spiralling emo whirlwind of hatred and fighting. We've started talking again, but it's awkward and sometimes sort of forced. I'm just terrified of people judging me. If you've ever seen NHK ni Youkoso you might have an idea of some of my social issues.

 

[Hannah_tan]

I edited my last post with more info, but further...

I identify as a full girl. I absolutly never fit in as a boy, ever. I always felt out of place. 'Boys' played the trumpet, I played the flute (untill my family made me stop). I cried, and got mercilessly harassed for it. Whenever I had a group of friends, in all but one case it was because of the girls in the group. I have always been considered a sissy (Yes, spiders freak me right the hell out, ect) Once I learned about a TG on another forum, It nailed me. The phrase "hit me like a ton of bricks" works, in the most literal sense of the phrase. I felt half sick for the next few days, and ate very little. Whenever I had a second to sit, i would put my head down, and think about it... so many thoughts, my brain would accutally hurt trying to take it all in. Once in a while, a tear or two would excape (another unfortunate conditioning of being around males so much, I can't cry. I have tried.. my body won't let me anymore )I eventually wrote it all down in a journal, then after I had my thoughts in order and had made peace with myself, I put them all in a lockbox, and hid the key in a safe spot that noone would look. (as well as the lockbox)

It isnt that I don't like me as a male... It just doesn't fit. I am a girl, despite my body. most of my male mannerisms come from my female mannerisms being literally beat out of me through elementary and middle schools, whilst subconsioucly picking up acceptable(Read: the kind that didn't end with me on the floor) 'male mannerisms'

I regret to this day some of my programmed responses, and my inability to cry.

 

[Mirror_tan]

[edit]
Cancer risk? I have gone to a lot of places on the web learning about my situation, and I never even heard of that.

Also, are you trying to be a girl full time, or are you 'just a crossdresser'? This changes perspective a lot.

The fact that you pass makes me believe you use breastforms or somthing similar (judging on your pic, I assumed you were on hormones)

Toying with hormones always creates a cancer risk. Especially when you're growing new breast tissue, there's a risk that the increased cell division can lead to mutations creating oncogenes.

Good question...perfect world, I would spend a good mix of time as male and female. I often spend weekends, schedule permitting en femme.

I do use breasforms. I use the whipped silicone pads they sell, in combination with my birdcage chest. If I really want some cleavage to match, I wear those sorts of forms, with a nubra which I use to create cleavage, combined with some makeup. And I wear a push up bra on top.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

Hm. If it were me, I'd talk it out seriously one on one with my family to decide what's best. As for the girlfriend issues, both stories leave me kind of sad. I've been in two major relationships, 3 if you count err... a... more unconventional relationship I had with a person online... Though now that I think about it, I've never had a relationship that went anywhere offline. It's gotta be the asperger's-communication thing. People offline just can't get to know me like people can online.

And speaking of coming out, it hits me that my parents still have no idea that I'm bisexual. I don't think they'll really care though, as my family has grown to be very accepting of a lot of ways people can be different in their family. My uncle is gay, my cousin is a lesbian, and we love them both to pieces. I don't think my family will mind me liking guys in addition to girls when I consider that kind of thing.

 

[Mirror_tan]

I edited my last post with more info, but further...

I identify as a full girl. I absolutly never fit in as a boy, ever. I always felt out of place. Whenever I had a group of friends, in all but one case it was because of the girls in the group. I have always been considered a sissy (Yes, spiders freak me right the hell out, ect) Once I learned about a TG on another forum, It nailed me. The phrase "hit me like a ton of bricks" works, in the most literal sense of the phrase. I felt half sick for the next few days, and ate very little. Whenever I had a second to sit, i would put my head down, and think about it... so many thoughts, my brain would accutally hurt trying to take it all in. Once in a while, a tear or two would excape (another unfortunate conditioning of being around males so much, I can't cry. I have tried.. my body won't let me anymore )I eventually wrote it all down in a journal, then after I had my thoughts in order and had made peace with myself, I put them all in a lockbox, and hid the key in a safe spot that noone would look. (as well as the lockbox)

It isnt that I don't like me as a male... It just doesn't fit. I am a girl, despite my body. most of my male mannerisms come from my female mannerisms being literally beat out of me through elementary and middle schools, whilst subconsioucly picking up acceptable(Read: the kind that didn't end with me on the floor) 'male mannerisms'

Interestingly enough, in elementary school, I played with the girls a lot, at least until they decided to exclude me from their group because they decided boys didn't belong. I didn't like playing with the boys, and they didn't like playing with me. I liked playing house. In middle and high school, at least one person each year, based on me subtle femininity I suppose, asked if I was gay.

I was worried for a bit that I was gay, even though I didn't like men. I remember when I was a kid, seeing my sister's clothes in the hamper and trying them on, and feeling like something clicked, that something was right. I did it secretly, all the while worrying that I was gay, until I saw on TV something about a crossdresser happily married to a woman somewhere in Potrero Hill I think. Then I slowly came to terms with myself over the years.

 

[Hannah_tan]

Everything I did in elementary was generally gender blind. I did a lot of tag, ect. I did have a lot of action figures when I was younger. Had I been born female, I would have likely been a sportsy-tomboy. I can't get involved in sports heavily (post trans) because if word got out that I used to be a boy, they would probably be upset.

I also edited in more in the post Mirror-tan quoted.

 

[Mirror_tan]

If I were born female, I would have become a geek girl, no doubt.

 

[Hannah_tan]

I asked for metal bracelets for christmas. My mom ended up getting me one for xmas and one for my birthday. The one from christmas is very male, basically a miniture chain. I like wearing bracelets even if they arent that pretty, but for my birthday a few days ago she got me this:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b375/Realistic2_/Me/01-27-07_0230.jpg

I subconciously wonder if she knows sometimes. Still, I am afraid to wear it, lest people harass me. ( my family wouldn't, thats why I wear it at home \o/) the image doesnt do it justice... its stainless steel, and it amost looks like sterling silver.. I had to ask to be sure what it was made of. Its very shiny.

[edit] this forum's spoiler tags don't work right

 

[Mirror_tan]

I asked for metal bracelets for christmas. My mom ended up getting me one for xmas and one for my birthday. The one from christmas is very male, basically a miniture chain. I like wearing bracelets even if they arent that pretty, but for my birthday a few days ago she got me this:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b375/Realistic2_/Me/01-27-07_0230.jpg

I subconciously wonder if she knows sometimes. Still, I am afraid to wear it, lest people harass me. ( my family wouldn't, thats why I wear it at home \o/) the image doesnt do it justice... its stainless steel, and it amost looks like sterling silver.. I had to ask to be sure what it was made of. Its very shiny.

[edit] this forum's spoiler tags don't work right

Hmmm...you never know. Several people I thought knew turned out to have not known until I told them.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

I edited my last post with more info, but further...

I identify as a full girl. I absolutly never fit in as a boy, ever. I always felt out of place. 'Boys' played the trumpet, I played the flute (untill my family made me stop). I cried, and got mercilessly harassed for it. Whenever I had a group of friends, in all but one case it was because of the girls in the group. I have always been considered a sissy (Yes, spiders freak me right the hell out, ect) Once I learned about a TG on another forum, It nailed me. The phrase "hit me like a ton of bricks" works, in the most literal sense of the phrase. I felt half sick for the next few days, and ate very little. Whenever I had a second to sit, i would put my head down, and think about it... so many thoughts, my brain would accutally hurt trying to take it all in. Once in a while, a tear or two would excape (another unfortunate conditioning of being around males so much, I can't cry. I have tried.. my body won't let me anymore )I eventually wrote it all down in a journal, then after I had my thoughts in order and had made peace with myself, I put them all in a lockbox, and hid the key in a safe spot that noone would look. (as well as the lockbox)

It isnt that I don't like me as a male... It just doesn't fit. I am a girl, despite my body. most of my male mannerisms come from my female mannerisms being literally beat out of me through elementary and middle schools, whilst subconsioucly picking up acceptable(Read: the kind that didn't end with me on the floor) 'male mannerisms'

That makes me feel kind of sad... makes me wish I could've done something to help, despite that being impossible.
I handled things differently...

I was similar to you, but because of how I am, I've felt like I was two people since I was pretty young. There's a part of me that shows up on the outside, that everyone else sees, that is apparently male. But there's another side of me that I don't show to people very much, not my parents, not my friends, almost nobody. And until I got online, that side of me was there, but sort of dormant. Online, that side of me seemed to open up immediately. While I went on going through everything in reality very normally, I escaped online to express how I really felt about things.

When I was about 12, my brother's drug problems started to catch with him. My parents spent most of their time dealing with him and sending him through rehab. So I took care of myself. I started playing an online game, and on a whim, picked a female character. I didn't really think about it on the time, but everyone assumed I was female. I never told people I wasn't one. I felt comfortable being one. Whereas my social interactions in real life were awkward for me, online everything felt really natural to me. I continued that way for about a year. And then something weird happened. I started to fall in love with a guy. And I started to realize I was deceiving him by telling him I was female, and when it hit me how cruel that was, I stopped it immediately. I dropped the charade and told all of my friends. A couple were upset, but the ones that mattered didn't mind. They knew I was still me. And that moved me pretty deeply. The female identity I had created for myself was nothing but a lie to feel like my true emotions were where they were supposed to go. I kept those feelings and made them a part of myself. and I've known I've felt like a girl in a guy's body in my mind ever since.

To this date, nobody but the people involved knew that ever happened to me. My friends were completely unaware, still are. I never told my two later girlfriends. Still haven't. It's just a part of me growing up that goes untold out of my own shame of it ever happening. I'm still kind of unsure why I typed it up here, as it seems sort of rantish when I look at it. Oh well. I've been pouring my soul onto the internet for years now. No reason to stop now.

 

[Hannah_tan]

Hmmm...you never know. Several people I thought knew turned out to have not known until I told them.

I think she doesnt, since before christmas she said somthing like "she tried to make sure they were a 'mans bracelet'. The thing is, this one is almost silver. Bah, probably not, but i doubt it would surprise her. A heads up on my situation that i forgot to mention, I live with my grandparents, my mom and dad are atill involved, but grandparents have raied me. Grandfather is one of the reasons i won't come out... He seems to have a personal grudge with TG (Transsexuals, I doubt he would accept another name) people, and I get the feeling he would disown me. Everyone else would probably be shocked, but wouldnt have puppies over it. I love him dearly, which makes me sad that he is dieing of ephasema (sp?) because he smoked all his life. (still sneaks a cigarette here and there). But, (and i feel awful for thinking this ) that it will be much better when he is gone, because I can finally tell my family.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

Interestingly enough, in elementary school, I played with the girls a lot, at least until they decided to exclude me from their group because they decided boys didn't belong. I didn't like playing with the boys, and they didn't like playing with me. I liked playing house. In middle and high school, at least one person each year, based on me subtle femininity I suppose, asked if I was gay.

I was worried for a bit that I was gay, even though I didn't like men. I remember when I was a kid, seeing my sister's clothes in the hamper and trying them on, and feeling like something clicked, that something was right. I did it secretly, all the while worrying that I was gay, until I saw on TV something about a crossdresser happily married to a woman somewhere in Potrero Hill I think. Then I slowly came to terms with myself over the years.

Hmm... I was the guy who played with the girls when I was younger, though eventually I did find a group of friends who were about as strange as I was as a child, who I've been with since kindergarten. I think that curbed many of the questions people would've asked about me, but who knows. I've always gotten along with girls better than guys.

As an experimenting young teenager, I tried on my moms clothes, underwear, etc, you name it, privately, and really enjoyed it. I slept in things a few times, wondering why I enjoyed it so much. I guess eventually I realized that I liked it because it felt like this is what felt more comfortable and normal to me than what I was used to wearing. It never really occurred to me that I might have been gay, but I think it was because I had so many experiences with gay, lesbian and bisexual people online. For some reason, I ran into them a lot, and got along with them surprisingly well, and didn't really consider it an abnormality, just a taste thing. Heck, it led to me experimenting sexually with a friend and loving it. I still didn't care about my preferences then either. It wasn't until recently that it really occurred to me that I was attracted to both boys and girls around me. Maybe I was just too innocent.

 

[Mirror_tan]

I'm fourtunate to have accepted myself so early on though, as I hear many people go through "purge" phases, and are virtually crossdressing bulemics...

Some people wait until they're 40 and married...and that leads to a lot of trouble...

 

[Hannah_tan]

guys are JERKS! thats the biggest problem! every time I end up with a few guys in a group, they are all the biggest pricks in the world. If they think they can find one flaw (and with me wanting to be female, there are a few) they will challenge me on it. It comes down to "defend your masculenity or we will harass you!" Pretty much every time. If you fail to meet the challenge, you are instantly less of a man (this part doesnt bother me obv) and less of a person (this does) because of it.

Another thing is.. it simply isnt acceptable for males to show emotions other than anger. I am an emotional person... yet at every turn, I got harassed for it. It changed me... I think this is linked to my inability to cry. I ended up with thick skin, but it works both ways. I really wish there was a way to undo it... there are sometimes that I wish I could cry, but when I am about to, I can feel my eyes tense up, and it stops.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

You do seem to have lucked out in that aspect.
I feel weird though, because I feel like I've suffered a lot less than everyone else, and that my experiences and stories kind of pale to the shit you guys have been through. My heart goes out to you both, for what it's worth.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

guys are JERKS! thats the biggest problem! every time I end up with a few guys in a group, they are all the biggest pricks in the world. If they think they can find one flaw (and with me wanting to be female, there are a few) they will challenge me on it. It comes down to "defend your masculenity or we will harass you!" Pretty much every time. If you fail to meet the challenge, you are instantly less of a man (this part doesnt bother me obv) and less of a person (this does) because of it.

Another thing is.. it simply isnt acceptable for males to show emotions other than anger. I am an emotional person... yet at every turn, I got harassed for it. It changed me... I think this is linked to my inability to cry. I ended up with thick skin, but it works both ways. I really wish there was a way to undo it... there are sometimes that I wish I could cry, but when I am about to, I can feel my eyes tense up, and it stops.

I hated being around mostly every guy I met for a long time because of that mentality. I felt like the 3 friends I had were the only people who weren't like that. I've always felt bad if I've picked on someone, because while it felt alright at first, I felt really shitty about it later on. These days, I try not to do it at all. I've turned completely away from proving my masculinity. I never really cared about it. All throughout middle school, people gave me shit, but I never really bit the bait. People would get up in my face, but I'd just shrug them off. Fortunately, I went to a high school where those kinds of people didn't last long, so I made many more friends there and did very well.

I know how you feel on the inability to cry thing... For a long period of time, I couldn't either. I even literally tried to for hours to produce nothing. It wasn't until a person who cared very deeply for me showed me that there was nothing wrong with crying, feeling and letting your emotions show. She read me like a book though I mentioned nothing about how I was feeling. I just cried my ass off on the spot, and told her everything that had been weighing me down, and I haven't been too bad about it ever since. But I've only let myself cry when I felt it was appropriate. And that varies... I went to two funerals for people I cared for very deeply without shedding a tear... to this day, I don't know why I didn't feel like crying then. :x

 

[Hannah_tan]

You do seem to have lucked out in that aspect.
I feel weird though, because I feel like I've suffered a lot less than everyone else, and that my experiences and stories kind of pale to the shit you guys have been through. My heart goes out to you both, for what it's worth.

It makes me feel better to know there are people out there who sympathize. I just can't wait untill I am living on my own.

Another issue with my transitioning.. is my friends. Most of my social 'identity' is dreived from my 'programmed reactions'. I don't know how some of them would react.

Another fun story!
I won a trip to las vegas in a raffle, and it covered two people. so we bought a third ticket, and me and my grandparents went to las vegas. While there, we ended up visiting the hoover dam, and I wanted to buy a hoover dam ringtail stuffed animal (I am a sucker for cute things, as you know, and this thing made me melt) And well, they resisted it. I came up with some sort of excuse that excapes me at the moment, but I still have him http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b375/Realistic2_/Me/01-27-07_0343.jpg
His little silvery tag says 'hoover dam ringtail'
[pics are courtesy of my new moto phone.. Cameraphone]

 

[ArcheKlaine]

You need to start turning away from programmed reactions altogether. You should be you, not what you think everyone else wants you to be. You shouldn't spring a sudden change on your friends, but moving away from the responses at a decent pace is likely in your best interests.... Get your friends to get used to the real you. A true friend will care about you despite the changes. Those are the ones worth keeping close to you.

On the other topic, I still melt to pieces over cute stuffed animals. My gir... well, you know, whatever she wants to be called now, finds it adorable that I've still got all of my stuffed animals I've had since I was a baby on my bed, and that I love to point out cute stuffed things all the time. Not to mention my weakness for cats. She gave me a small, soft, cuddly bear for christmas a couple of years ago, and I've slept with it hugged to my chest ever since. :x

 

[Hannah_tan]

The issue is they have come to expect it, almost. a lot of the time, they will say somthing, and about 8 seconds later they will get on me for 'not seeing that one'
Sometimes its intentional, sometimes it isnt. It puts me into an awkward scenario, and if I did say "I am trying to chill on that sort of stuff" or something similar, they would seriously wonder about me. It's sort of a vicious cycle.

 

[Mirror_tan]

My elementary school life was pretty bad, I was picked on a lot, but more for being an insufferable knowitall, who wasn't cool enough to figure out that being dumb and incooperative was in. I kind of dealt with it by socially withdrawing myself. From that point on I was socially withdrawn pretty much, and most people didn't bother me. I didn't have as many friends as anyone else, but at least they let me be myself. I cried a lot still anyways some years because I was so alone...but I eventually got used to the loneliness.

I guess I learned it wasn't solving anything, and I began (and still do) talk to myself. A lot of people think I'm crazy or something because my self imposed isolation makes me odd...

I kind of expect, like in the movies for a girl to come along and tell me to open up, and show me all the wonderful stuff in the world that's missing, to take me by my hand and sweep me away. Ah..

EDIT: But those girls don't really exist...

 

[ArcheKlaine]

Don't worry about them wondering. You're allowed to be different. I hate to say it, but if you think they won't like you for who you are, you may not want to hold on to them for very long anyways. You seem to be a pretty awesome person. I bet that if you started being yourself, you could find plenty of people who think you're pretty cool too.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

My elementary school life was pretty bad, I was picked on a lot, but more for being an insufferable knowitall, who wasn't cool enough to figure out that being dumb and incooperative was in. I kind of dealt with it by socially withdrawing myself. From that point on I was socially withdrawn pretty much, and most people didn't bother me. I didn't have as many friends as anyone else, but at least they let me be myself. I cried a lot still anyways some years because I was so alone...but I eventually got used to the loneliness.

I guess I learned it wasn't solving anything, and I began (and still do) talk to myself. A lot of people think I'm crazy or something because my self imposed isolation makes me odd...

I kind of expect, like in the movies for a girl to come along and tell me to open up, and show me all the wonderful stuff in the world that's missing, to take me by my hand and sweep me away. Ah..

EDIT: But those girls don't really exist...

I'd have to beg to differ. Those girls do exist, but they can't reach you if you don't let them. If you're still isolating yourself like that today, it may be about time to consider kicking the habit. I did it for a while, and it did nothing but rip my emotions to shreds. If I kept it up, I'd've probably been driven to suicide attempts.

 

[Hannah_tan]

Well.... they are my only friends right now on campus. Being lonely is worse in many ways than not.

Really, aside from my dumb joke reactions, I have no good male programming.. I am not a big fan of sports, I have always hated checking out girls (this got me called gay innumerable times). I am a blank personality without it, and am pretty dull. Even so, most girls arent all up with the idea of talking about suff with a guy, no matter how genuinely interested he is.

I could go with my real personality, but the thing is, I am percieved as a flawed male if I were to go with myself like that. So, if I lost the friends my "programmed persona" has, I would be left with nothing.

 

[Mirror_tan]

That's the thing, I am not isolating myself anymore, I am making an active effort to go out there and meet people now...even if it feels like I am not really going anywhere, I am still trying to meet people...

It's hard though for me because this nagging feeling of being an unwanted presence in any group always haunts me.

 

[ArcheKlaine]

Eh, checking out girls is boring to me too. I have to be engaged by their personality before my brain even starts thinking about finding them attractive. Just looking at them is great, and I can appreciate an attractive body and all, but it's just another girl who could be exchanged with a jpeg if she has no personality.
Frankly, I think you need to find a girl you know is lesbian or bi and just talk her up. Girls who are aware of their sexuality tend to be more open to talking about stuff with the more sensitive guys, at least that's what I've found in my experiences. I'm sure you've got more personality than you credit yourself with. You showed up on /b/, which means you've got SOME interests that separate you from the mainstream, some of which I assume aren't related to the gender stuff. You've just gotta try throwing a bit more of yourself out there. Not everyone will respond to it, but those who do may end up being very friendly =o

And you've always got us.