Welcome Home, Andy

[Route66Girl]

Hey everyone

This link is to the story I recently submitted for the Holiday Contest. I nearly didn't make the deadline; I was still typing up until five minutes before midnight on the 15th! Just about everything after the sex scene was written in less than two hours, and was rushed, rushed, rushed! And I really didn't get much of a chance to proofread, so be prepared for some oopsies. I'm aware of some of the mistakes.

But now that it's up, I'd love to know what you all think.

Welcome Home, Andy

Note: A few days before it was submitted, Dr. Mabeuse had looked over the beginning and provided some wonderful suggestions, for which I owe him many thanks. (Thank you, Dr. M!) His comments really helped get this thing started out on the right foot.

 

[kristydoll]

First off, I have to tell you, I almost didn't read this one when I seen it was four pages. I'm sure glad I did *smiles*....well done!

You have a really nice story written here. A few very minor errors could be found but nothing at all that distracted me from the story.

What I have to say kept my attention was the interaction between the two main characters. The way you did this with dialogue was great. I wish you would have kept this going through the sex scene. It almost seemed apart from the rest of the story.

On a whole, I thought you did a wonderful job. Congrats.

kristy

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi R66G

Glad to see you just made it in time. Would have been a bugger to invest so much time and then be too late to submit it.

My compliments on that story, I found it well written and well worth the 4 page read, even when it started off fairly slowly, I thought.
In general, the total pace of the story is something that may have suffered a bit from the time constraints: a slow-ish start, then a sudden speed up into their love affair starting, then a few intermezzos to string a few lines together --slowing down slightly again -- then followed by a somewhat rapid ending into his decision to not move on to LA.

Story-wise, that last part left me with a question: would he not have discussed this --not going to LA-- with her? I know it wouldn't fit in the story-line if he had, but I was left with the question nonetheless.

The small intermezzo of his phonecall to his ex and his brother wasn't entirely convincing either, I found. The idea behind it --his feeling of "I don't belong anywhere"-- is a good, strong and credible thing to use; it's maybe the way it was specifically painted that kind of made it fall in between events: I was left with the question what would have motivated him to make that call.

On the good side, you gave us a very intimate atmosphere of small town closeness, both in the good way and in the way it will be perceived by the outsider. I was there alright, and you used a lot of well thought out detail (his chats with Tim were good, as was his wife) to really paint this nicely.

A few nitpicky details:

You used the abbreviation "PTA" somewhere, and I had no idea what it meant.

In their love scene, you use a phrase "...still suckling on a pert tit..." For me the word "tit" didn't feel right at that moment.

Finally, you puzzled me on something:
"...Jessica, or, he thought, a woman who looked very much like her, ..."
That phrasing left me with the question if this might be a dream, or some magic change of person. I think I know what you tried to say here, but it leaves room for multiple interpretation too.

Hope my thoughts were a bit of help

Paul