Wedding (gift) Etiquette

[pleasteasme]

I need the advice of those more wise than I.

My friend is getting married, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. Cool, I understand that I am responsible for the dress and yadda yadda.

However, how many gifts am I expected to purchase? I bought her about $100 worth of gifts off of one of her gift registries. This gift will be given to her at her bridal shower. Now, do I buy another gift for the wedding too?

I haven't a clue here! What is proper etiquette in this situation?

Thanks in advance

 

[dollface007]

I've been a bridesmaid on a budget several times over. It's really expensive!! If you've already bought something from the registry, just get them a tasteful card for the wedding, thanking them for letting you be a part of their ceremony. Your participation (and forking over cash for an ugly dress, etc) is your gift to them. If they're not satisfied with that, they are horrible, shallow people.

 

[pleasteasme]

I've been a bridesmaid on a budget several times over. It's really expensive!! If you've already bought something from the registry, just get them a tasteful card for the wedding, thanking them for letting you be a part of their ceremony. Your participation (and forking over cash for an ugly dress, etc) is your gift to them. If they're not satisfied with that, they are horrible, shallow people.

Thanks dollface

You got me to giggle a bit here. No kidding about the ugly dress....what are people thinking???

Luckily, this time around being a bridesmaid, I am gainfully employed. However, I don't want to break the bank buying gifts *even though I love my friend and all*

I almost wonder if I should have broke up the $100 I bought into two smaller gifts? *shrugs*

 

[Cathleen]

You are expected to give a gift to both (or all occasions) as a member of the bridal party. The gift you've bought for the shower could be the wedding gift, then you could purchase something less expensive for the shower.

 

[Cathleen]

Bridesmaid dresses....... oh God! Upon arriving home after one of my brother's weddings (let me tell you it was awful, more people cried because he was marrying her), I walked into my parents home and opened the closet where the trash barrel was. I took off the shoes, the stockings and tossed them... next came the stupid thing in the hair and yes, the dress! All of it in the trash... I quickly grabbed a jacket to cover myself but I will never forget the looks on everyones face. My other two brothers were there and I said, I love you very much but please don't ask me to be in your weddings. Off I went to put on the sweats and slippers!

And this bride TOLD us what to get her for her shower - a set of wicker furniture - which has never left her mother's home to this day. PLUS the shower we had cost of $5000. !!!!!!! Can you believe that - five grand!

Can you tell I don't like this sister-in-law? From the day I met her ...

Now, one of the other brothers did get married and yes, I was asked and yes I said I'd be thrilled to be in the wedding... lol But I love that sister-in-law...

 

[pleasteasme]

You are expected to give a gift to both (or all occasions) as a member of the bridal party. The gift you've bought for the shower could be the wedding gift, then you could purchase something less expensive for the shower.

Thanks Cate

Yikes! Maybe I should have asked this question before I went shopping!!!

This could be one expensive wedding! The bachelorette party is this weekend....in Vegas. Alas, I am not going ~ that would have been another chunk o change!

 

[pleasteasme]

Bridesmaid dresses....... oh God! Upon arriving home after one of my brother's weddings (let me tell you it was awful, more people cried because he was marrying her), I walked into my parents home and opened the closet where the trash barrel was. I took off the shoes, the stockings and tossed them... next came the stupid thing in the hair and yes, the dress! All of it in the trash... I quickly grabbed a jacket to cover myself but I will never forget the looks on everyones face. My other two brothers were there and I said, I love you very much but please don't ask me to be in your weddings. Off I went to put on the sweats and slippers!

And this bride TOLD us what to get her for her shower - a set of wicker furniture - which has never left her mother's home to this day. PLUS the shower we had cost of $5000. !!!!!!! Can you believe that - five grand!

Can you tell I don't like this sister-in-law? From the day I met her ...

Now, one of the other brothers did get married and yes, I was asked and yes I said I'd be thrilled to be in the wedding... lol But I love that sister-in-law...

LOL....sounds problematic (the SIL you don't like!) So, was it the bridesmaid dress from hell or what????

My only saving grace on this one is at least I got to pick the style....but, ughhhhhhh ~ burnt orange????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks Cate

Yikes! Maybe I should have asked this question before I went shopping!!!

This could be one expensive wedding! The bachelorette party is this weekend....in Vegas. Alas, I am not going ~ that would have been another chunk o change!

You said you bought $100. worth of gifts - can you and another attendent(s) maybe split those gifts?

 

[Cathleen]

LOL....sounds problematic (the SIL you don't like!) So, was it the bridesmaid dress from hell or what????

My only saving grace on this one is at least I got to pick the style....but, ughhhhhhh ~ burnt orange????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

Burnt orange - oh dear Lord! I'm laughing like crazy... and you're a red head right? Oh Tease ... just think in 10 years you'll laugh about it. It takes that long to be able to laugh because you spend a fortune to have the honor!

It was the dress from hell... that shiny material and then all this ugly lacy/tule ickiness kind of layered... in a sea foam green... but a really ugly sea foam green. lol

The other SIL wedding was beautiful actually. It was a shame it rained because our dresses got ruined but they were beautiful. Expensive but beautiful. Gee my attitude sure is different between those occasions huh? lol

 

[pleasteasme]

You said you bought $100. worth of gifts - can you and another attendent(s) maybe split those gifts?

Funny thing is, I am not friends with the other attendants, lol. It's fine, I guess I just should have thought about it ahead of time.

I bought towels....so, not sure if they should be split up, hahaha. Already gift wrapped & everything, gotta love Bed, Bath, and Beyond!!!

 

[Cathleen]

Funny thing is, I am not friends with the other attendants, lol. It's fine, I guess I just should have thought about it ahead of time.

I bought towels....so, not sure if they should be split up, hahaha. Already gift wrapped & everything, gotta love Bed, Bath, and Beyond!!!

That is a very nice gift. I hope you have a nice time this weekend - a Vegas shower huh? Times they are a changing.

 

[pleasteasme]

Burnt orange - oh dear Lord! I'm laughing like crazy... and you're a red head right? Oh Tease ... just think in 10 years you'll laugh about it. It takes that long to be able to laugh because you spend a fortune to have the honor!

It was the dress from hell... that shiny material and then all this ugly lacy/tule ickiness kind of layered... in a sea foam green... but a really ugly sea foam green. lol

The other SIL wedding was beautiful actually. It was a shame it rained because our dresses got ruined but they were beautiful. Expensive but beautiful. Gee my attitude sure is different between those occasions huh? lol

LOL, tell me about it!!! I'm not sure how my coloring is going to go with this whole "pumpkin" type color. It really is attrocious....I ordered my dress today. I did end up getting one with some embroidery/crystals (or glass beads) up on the bust just to break up the monotany. It's crazy!!!

The other 2 weddings I have been in, weren't so bad. 1. Antique lavendar (another weird term for lilac, lol) and 2. Navy. The navy dress was the best for me, it set off my red hair and blue eyes. The lilac....ehhhh, I felt like Barney. *giggles* I still have them. It is just a shame, almost $1,000 of dresses....only worn once! *OMG, did I say $1,000!!!!!*

Denae gave a great suggestion, to donate them!!! It isn't like I will ever wear them again in my life!!!! Especially this orange one....ewwwwww!

Yes, it is amazing the difference in your feelings between the two weddings. I am sure it had to do with much more than the dresses though Tule...ick!!!

 

[pleasteasme]

That is a very nice gift. I hope you have a nice time this weekend - a Vegas shower huh? Times they are a changing.

Nah, bachelorette party in Vegas

Unfortunately, I am not going. (or maybe that should be fortunately) I am not one to enjoy much when I am in the company of people that are not my friends. The bride to be would be the only friend I would have there. I really don't care for the others......*truthfully spoken*

 

[Cathleen]

Nah, bachelorette party in Vegas

Unfortunately, I am not going. (or maybe that should be fortunately) I am not one to enjoy much when I am in the company of people that are not my friends. The bride to be would be the only friend I would have there. I really don't care for the others......*truthfully spoken*

Yes, you're right - the attitude was far more then the dress. Truthfully speaking, she is an instigator and quite a snob (for no apparent reason) but I love my nieces so I am pleasant and civil towards her. You know I think they have a strange marriage actually. It wouldn't suprise me if they both 'play' outside their marriage - just a hunch from what I've observed in the last 17 years...I cannot believe 17 years!

And the $1000... wow, I'm glad I'm out of bridesmaid age. I have never liked weddings, even as a kid I thought they were too ... whatever, I just didn't like the idea. If I do get married it will be a few phone calls to say, if you'd like to join us, meet here at 6pm kind of thing. I'll buy them dinner (or have a cookout) and then we can all go home.

 

[Bandit58]

LOL, tell me about it!!! I'm not sure how my coloring is going to go with this whole "pumpkin" type color. It really is attrocious....I ordered my dress today. I did end up getting one with some embroidery/crystals (or glass beads) up on the bust just to break up the monotany. It's crazy!!!

The other 2 weddings I have been in, weren't so bad. 1. Antique lavendar (another weird term for lilac, lol) and 2. Navy. The navy dress was the best for me, it set off my red hair and blue eyes. The lilac....ehhhh, I felt like Barney. *giggles* I still have them. It is just a shame, almost $1,000 of dresses....only worn once! *OMG, did I say $1,000!!!!!*

Denae gave a great suggestion, to donate them!!! It isn't like I will ever wear them again in my life!!!! Especially this orange one....ewwwwww!

Yes, it is amazing the difference in your feelings between the two weddings. I am sure it had to do with much more than the dresses though Tule...ick!!!

Put the dresses up on eBay, someone will be bound to buy them (maybe even the orange one ) LOL you might get some of your money back!

I remember being a flower girl at my aunty's wedding when I was 6 (1964 it was lol) I had my hair sprayed so that it wouldn't have moved in a hurricane! My dress was a light brown satin thing with a lacy bodice.....my mother kept it for years, she may still have it for all I know

Unfortunately after that the only wedding I had to buy a dress for was my own at 19......that dress is still back at my ex husband's house on top of the wardrobe in my daughter's bedroom - ivory satin with a low neck and a frill all round the bottom (what was I thinking in 1978 )

 

[karndav]

LOL, tell me about it!!! I'm not sure how my coloring is going to go with this whole "pumpkin" type color. It really is attrocious....I ordered my dress today. I did end up getting one with some embroidery/crystals (or glass beads) up on the bust just to break up the monotany. It's crazy!!!

"Pumkin" What was she thinking??

i like the donating the dress idea. There are alot of girls in poor sections of towns that can not afford promgowns and stuff like that.

as far as gifts go, unfortunately you are expected to give gifts at all functions but if you can't afford it and they don't understand that then they aren'e really good friends. Cathleen suggested giving what you already bought for the wedding and something less expensive for the wedding, which is a good idea. Or if maybe split what you got for the shower if possible and give half for the shower and half for the wedding.

Too bad you are missing the party in vegas. That sounds like the best part of the whole shing ding!

 

[shell seeker2]

See now, I've heard a couple of different things. When I lived in NY, it was expected that you buy a shower gift and a wedding gift. Then I moved down south, and was told that you do either a shower gift or a wedding gift. I would never expect a gift for both. In addition, I'm thinking that my bridesmaids (when I need them) will have a lot of input on their dresses because comfort for me is Number 1.

 

[bobsgirl]

I have three bridesmaids dresses hanging in the closet for the three weddings my daughter's been in. She looked lovely in each of them, but bridesmaid dresses just scream bridesmaid dresses if you know what I mean. I never once have heard of an occasion where one of those was worn a second time.

$1000??

Oh, and Cate? Too old to be a bridesmaid? What if I elope to Vegas to get married by Elvis? Will I have to drag some retiree in a polyester jogging suit away from the slots to stand in for you? Oh, the shame...

 

[AppleBiter]

If she's a true friend, she would be happy if you bought her a sandwich.

 

[pleasteasme]

Yep, $1,000 roughly. Each one (with shoes) averaged just about $300...ok, so maybe more like $900. Two of the times I was a bridesmaid was when I was still in college....and definately did not have a whole lot of cash!!!

Oh, she is a good friend. I know she will appreciate anything I do for her. I just want to make sure I don't mess up and perform proper etiquette on my part

She was nice enough to allow us to choose the style of our dress because not all of us are built the same. We just had to pick from a single designer. However, the color.....would anyone look good in burnt orange?

I was thinking of wearing a green beret and going as a pumpkin Ok, just kidding

Vegas would be ok, but like I said, with a bunch of females that are not my friends.....ummmmm.....probably not. (yes, I know them....and don't care for them).

 

[phoenix1224]

You are expected to give a gift to both (or all occasions) as a member of the bridal party.

Exactly... The bridal shower and the wedding are considered two seperate events. So, it would be proper etiquette to give a gift for both.

I would reccomend setting a set amount that you are willing to pay/can afford... And don't go over it.

But one thing to think about it that, according to wedding etiquette, as a member of the wedding party, you should be getting a gift too. So, you'll be getting back at least a bit of your investment (j/k)...

 

[pleasteasme]

Exactly... The bridal shower and the wedding are considered two seperate events. So, it would be proper etiquette to give a gift for both.

I would reccomend setting a set amount that you are willing to pay/can afford... And don't go over it.

But one thing to think about it that, according to wedding etiquette, as a member of the wedding party, you should be getting a gift too. So, you'll be getting back at least a bit of your investment (j/k)...

LOL....return on my investment!

It is an honor to be asked to be in her wedding. Even if it is an atrocious dress.

I should have thought it out more when I got all crazy and went shopping yesterday, lol!!!

Now, realizing that 2 gifts seem to be the proper thing to do. Does it matter in value which is which? In other words, should the wedding gift be more expensive than the shower gift? Or does that not really matter?

Thanks everyone for your input

 

[phoenix1224]

Now, realizing that 2 gifts seem to be the proper thing to do. Does it matter in value which is which? In other words, should the wedding gift be more expensive than the shower gift? Or does that not really matter?

I don't think that it really matters.

The only thing to take into consideration is that the bridal shower gift should be something for JUST HER and the wedding gift should be something that BOTH of them can use in their life together.

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't think that it really matters.

The only thing to take into consideration is that the bridal shower gift should be something for JUST HER and the wedding gift should be something that BOTH of them can use in their life together.

My inner smartass wants to say that lingerie qualifies in both cases, but I can shut him up with a promise of watching Porkys again if you'd like.

 

[phoenix1224]

My inner smartass wants to say that lingerie qualifies in both cases, but I can shut him up with a promise of watching Porkys again if you'd like.

LOL...

Believe it or not, I was kind of thinking something similar when I typed that out.

Get her a strap-on harness and a feeldoe... And you've got both covered...