Wealthy Widow's Terzanelle

[WickedEve]

Looking for feedback before submitting. Better title suggestions? Is the metre off?

Shying away from the strollers' path,
she shades her gaze with silvery glove
while gardener reveals in streaming bath.

Sweet obsession but not her love,
he shines in light as her fabric falls.
She shades her gaze with silvery glove.

He motions to her, softly calls -
desires wade, silk bodice shifts,
he shines in light as her fabric falls.

Nearer to him she gently drifts;
in depths of need, breathless deep
desires wade, silk bodice shifts.

When her eyes close as if in sleep,
she hushes her lover beneath
in depths of need, breathless deep.

In places far she's with another.
Shying away from the strollers' path,
she hushes her lover beneath
while gardener reveals in streaming bath.

 

[Angeline]

This is beautiful, Eve and I love the gothic feel of it. It also--because of the gardener, I guess--makes me think of Lady Chatterly's Lover. I do have a few questions and suggestions, though.

Shying away from the strolling path,
she shades her gaze with silvery glove
while gardener reveals in streaming bath.

Line 1
Is "strolling path" a legit tem? It sounds a bit off to me--as if the path itself is strolling--but I'm unfamiliar with it. You could change it to something like "public path" or "well-trod" or something else to show a move to a more private place.


Sweet obsession but not her love,
shining in the light as fabric falls,
she shades her gaze with silvery glove.

Line 2
The fabric that falls is her dress right? (it has to be cause he's in the water already)--it's a little unclear who's shining and what's falling cause there's a missing pronoun or something. You could say something like " Skin shines in light as fabric falls" to clarify it's her.

Motioning with tongue, softly calls -
desires wade, silk bodice shifts,
shining in the light as fabric falls.

Line 1
"Motioning" sounds weird to me first cause it wouldn't necessarily make a noise, and some of the mental images I get with it are too silly for the poem. What would she do to get his attention without making a racket? Click her tongue? Bird call? Whistle?


Nearer to him she gently drifts;
in depths of need, breathless deep
desires wade, silk bodice shifts.

Perfect!

When eyes close as if in sleep
she drowns quietly her hushed lover
in depths of need, breathless deep.

Here, too--perfectly ambiguous

In places far she's with another -
shying away from the strolling path
she drowns quietly her hushed lover
while gardener reveals in streaming bath.

Wonderful!

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks, Angeline. I revised it and hope those trouble spots make better sense.

 

[WickedEve]

This one part still doesn't quite work: she drowns quietly her hushed lover. I've changed it over and over and over and it doesn't quite sound right. I tried rearranging it and changing it completely. I tried: she sinks low her silent lover. Any suggestions? I want to come across in the final stanza that she's drowning her lover, putting him to rest, so she can be with this other man.

 

[OT]

"quietly" isn't a quiet word. The K sound crackles in my ear.

maybe something like:
"hushed, she drowns her silent lover"

otherwise, with my bias against K sounds, I'd go with your original,
"she sinks low her silent lover"


(actually, silent doesn't seem quite right here. slumber? dunno, just musing...

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks OT. Check out the revision and see if what I tried works.

 

[Senna Jawa]

goodbye my lover

 

    goodbye my lover


            immersed in the bathtub
            he motions her to bring
            that heavy butt of hers

            she sits on and anchors
            his head at the tub bottom
            his legs kick the air
            a few more times


PS. In order to post this poem I had to pull the plug off.

 

[Mythos50]

With Less Words?

Lover’s Goodbye

Immersed
her emotions
anchor him
to bottom -
no more air.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: goodbye my lover

 

    goodbye my lover


            immersed in the bathtub
            he motions her to bring
            that heavy butt of hers

            she sits on and anchors
            his head at the tub bottom
            his legs kick the air
            a few more times


PS. In order to post this poem I had to pull the plug off.

Something familiar about this poem... maybe a past life experience.

 

[Senna Jawa]

With Less Words?

Lover’s Goodbye

Immersed
her emotions
anchor him
to bottom -
no more air.

Yes, with less words and without any sense.