Was I supposed to act differently...??

[SnoopDog]

Ok, I guess this is a place to gather opinions.

Situation:

There is this girl that is the girlfriend of a (not too good) friend of mine. We became good friends over the last months and spent a lot of time with each other. She called me regularly, at times every day, and we had some nice times. We had two nights of talking about very deep stuff, got really close to each other, sharing things you don't talk everyone. (Becuase both of our lives have been very difficult recently)

She'd complain about how unhappy she was in her relationship. She'd even go so far to tell me that she didn'T understand why I never had and can't get a girlfriend. She literally said if she wasn't engaged she'd surely be interested. But she also told me she loved her boyfriend now matter what difficulties there were.

So I didn'T take any action, I didn't make further steps, just happy that I got a new close friend.

But recently she almost completely cut off contact. So I'm asking myself if she wanted me to 'hop' on her and if she didn't really mean what she said about her b/f?

Maybe she is mad at me for not showing my interest in her more openly? Or did she maybe just want to make her boyfriend jealous? By that using me?

I'm really confused about her behaviour...and also pretty angry.

Can someone explain women to me? Or tell me what I did wrong?

Snoopy

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What did you say when she told you she'd be interested? Did you give her any reason to think that you might be interested too?

It's impossible to say what's going on, but it kind of reminds me of the tragedy of the Bad Guy Girl, the girl who's got a thing for guys that aren't nice to her.

The Bad Guy Girl usually has at least a few Really Nice Guys hanging around her to talk to and unburden herself with, but they'll never get anywhere with her romatically. She'll only get involved with Bad Guys, guys who treat her like dirt. She'll take her problems to the Really Nice Guys for a few days when things get really rotten, and she'll talk about how she really doesn't like the Bad Guy, but as soon as she can, she'll go back to him, leaving the Really Nice Guy in the lurch.

Watch out for her if that's the case. It's very hard not to get sucked in.

---dr.M.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I agree, can't say what really is going on... but from the sound of it, you were a sounding board and she was just blowing off some steam.

 

[fogbank]

Tough luck, Dog. I've been there, I can sympathize, but I can't offer answers. The situation that you described (a very detailed revealling of feelings) probably was very emotionally tense for her, and once you go past a certain point of intimacy in conversation, it's very difficult to simply remain friends -- you either need to take it to the next step or regress. It's also very possible that she was using you, not to make her boyfriend jealous, but to simply satisfy her own needs for emotional closeness to someone. I've got no idea though--just a stab in the dark.

 

[Goldie Munro]

Ok, I guess this is a place to gather opinions.

Situation:

There is this girl that is the girlfriend of a (not too good) friend of mine. We became good friends over the last months and spent a lot of time with each other. She called me regularly, at times every day, and we had some nice times. We had two nights of talking about very deep stuff, got really close to each other, sharing things you don't talk everyone. (Becuase both of our lives have been very difficult recently)

She'd complain about how unhappy she was in her relationship. She'd even go so far to tell me that she didn'T understand why I never had and can't get a girlfriend. She literally said if she wasn't engaged she'd surely be interested. But she also told me she loved her boyfriend now matter what difficulties there were.

So I didn'T take any action, I didn't make further steps, just happy that I got a new close friend.

But recently she almost completely cut off contact. So I'm asking myself if she wanted me to 'hop' on her and if she didn't really mean what she said about her b/f?

Maybe she is mad at me for not showing my interest in her more openly? Or did she maybe just want to make her boyfriend jealous? By that using me?

I'm really confused about her behaviour...and also pretty angry.

Can someone explain women to me? Or tell me what I did wrong?

Snoopy

Snoops this has much more to do with what you were feeling than she was - you have no idea what she thought of YOU only of other people - also she had no way of knowing what it was that you felt for her so don't project things.

I can see why you are confused and angry that she has not kept in touch but I can see that from her point of view you were a good listener at a time when she needed it - when you both needed it maybe - so don't be too hard on her.

 

[Edward Teach]

There are dozens of possibilities, Snoop and the worse thing is you will probably never know the truth. It blows chunks but we all get taken there sometime, sooner or later.

Maybe she was hoping you would jump her. Maybe she was using her spat with her b/f as an excuse to seduce you, now feels guilty about it and seeing you renews her guilt.

Maybe she wanted only to talk and picked up vibes that you were attracted, about to make a pass which she didn't want to happen and is now staying away to let you get the message and cool down.

Maybe she is just a manipulative, controlling bitch who teased you for laughs. They're out there and we all run into them.

Maybe her b/f got jealous, whether she was trying to make him do so or not, and now she can't be around you because he will get mad. From what little you have said, this makes the most sense to me.

Sorry Snoop, but that is about the best I can offer.

Ed

 

[SnoopDog]

Maybe she was hoping you would jump her. Maybe she was using her spat with her b/f as an excuse to seduce you, now feels guilty about it and seeing you renews her guilt.



Ed

Thnx for all the opinions so far. But this one is one I had not thought of. But it makes actually sense to me. This could really be true.

I mean, I can't imagine her being such a mean person to just have toyed with me like that for the fun she gets out of it or for feeling better herself. She's probably not like that (though with women you never know, right?).

And I don't think that her boyfriend makes her loose contact with me. Of course he was a little mad but she told me he was fine with us being friends, especially because he knows me and that I never had a girl, so I wouldn't probably seduce her. And he knows that I respect if a girl is in a relationship because I dislike cheating very much myself.

But what Ed said there would make some sense.

Ah, hell, why does this always happen to me?

Snoopy, worried

 

[Edward Teach]

Ah, hell, why does this always happen to me?

Snoopy, worried

Partner, it don't always happen to you. It happens to all of us. Actually, you haven't lost anything, Snoop, she has.

Ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

To me, it sounds like she turned to you for comfort when she was having trouble with her relationship with the boyfriend. Your willing ear and attention probably helped her feel better about herself and her self-esteem, and she reflected that in her compliments to you.

I don't think she had any intention of doing anything with you physically, and judging by her lack of communication now, it's hard to say whether the friendship was truly genuine in the first place. You don't just drop people who matter.

I'm sorry - I know you're feeling bad about this. But you deserve better for yourself and hopefully won't waste more of your energy on someone who isn't treating you well.

 

[CrazyyAngel]

How about you just ask her? Well that won't work if she really is avoiding you ... but it may be an option. If she really cares for you, she'll tell you (at least I think so ... not quite the expert on women either).

CA

 

[CrazyyAngel]

How about you just ask her? Well that won't work if she really is avoiding you ... but it may be an option. If she really cares for you, she'll tell you (at least I think so ... not quite the expert on women either).

Ca

 

[SnoopDog]

Partner, it don't always happen to you. It happens to all of us. Actually, you haven't lost anything, Snoop, she has.

Ed

Wow, that was nice. Thnx.

Snoopy

 

[TheEarl]

Dog: To be honest it sounds like her boyfriend has made rumblings about the amount of time she's spent talking to and seeing you. If they've been having problems, it's only natural that he's gonna be suspicious about her looking for an exit. If she still wants to stay with him, then she'd more than likely really cool contact with you to reassure him.

The Earl

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

This may not be the most welcome question, but did you think maybe it wasn't such a polite idea to spend "quality time" with someone else's girl? A friend (even if not too good a one) even?

 

[Edward Teach]

This may not be the most welcome question, but did you think maybe it wasn't such a polite idea to spend "quality time" with someone else's girl? A friend (even if not too good a one) even?

Go easy, Joe. The girl was calling him, he likes her, he's human, the guy ain't a real close friend, he ain't a saint.

Ed

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

This may not be the most welcome question, but did you think maybe it wasn't such a polite idea to spend "quality time" with someone else's girl? A friend (even if not too good a one) even?

Nah, a guy like Snoops got a reputation as a safe man. I know quite a few guys who are safe men friends with other men's girlfriends and a few girls who are safe female friends with other girl's boyfriends and one lesbian who is a safe female friend with other guy's girlfriends. The others in all these relationships all know that the safe man will not try and capture their girls or guys because they are well "safe" and they have strict rules on which girls/guys are off limits.

Some extraordinarily jealous men and women find offense in the safe person and demand their gf/bf stop seeing them. These are usually the types who end up trying to separate their love interest from all friends and become possessive borderline abusive.

Overall though, most of the otherside people I've seen are moderately okay with it once they realize that the safe person really is a safe person.

In fact for the last year, I've been a safe person myself in a circle of female friends. I have not yet heard complaints from their boyfriends nor heard anything to make me believe they consider me a threat. Who this is because of, I don't know. I'd like to believe it's a maturity in the bfs to realize that if anything is likely to break up a love affair between them and their girl, it's their own actions. I'm probably dead wrong though. I'm not psionic enough to divine the truth.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Snoopy, give her a call and ask her if everything is okay, if she blows you off, then you know she used you, if not, hear her out.

Oh, stop being so damn nice!!!

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by Lucifer_Carroll
Nah, a guy like Snoops got a reputation as a safe man. I know quite a few guys who are safe men friends with other men's girlfriends and a few girls who are safe female friends with other girl's boyfriends and one lesbian who is a safe female friend with other guy's girlfriends. The others in all these relationships all know that the safe man will not try and capture their girls or guys because they are well "safe" and they have strict rules on which girls/guys are off limits.

Some extraordinarily jealous men and women find offense in the safe person and demand their gf/bf stop seeing them. These are usually the types who end up trying to separate their love interest from all friends and become possessive borderline abusive.

Overall though, most of the otherside people I've seen are moderately okay with it once they realize that the safe person really is a safe person.

In fact for the last year, I've been a safe person myself in a circle of female friends. I have not yet heard complaints from their boyfriends nor heard anything to make me believe they consider me a threat. Who this is because of, I don't know. I'd like to believe it's a maturity in the bfs to realize that if anything is likely to break up a love affair between them and their girl, it's their own actions. I'm probably dead wrong though. I'm not psionic enough to divine the truth.

In my experience (and I'm not hypothesizing outward beyond it), "safe guys" have been snivelling, lonely yes-men. I've never cared for them. Not much can be done about them, can't raise a fuss and say "no more yes-men", because that just gives them something to say "Oh, he's trying to run your life" and maybe she needs /that/ much attention.

Ugh.

Hate those guys.

Snoop. Don't be that guy.

Please, please, please don't be that guy. That guy sucks. That guy is pathetic and lonely and should go get a girl of his own.

 

[SnoopDog]

In my experience (and I'm not hypothesizing outward beyond it), "safe guys" have been snivelling, lonely yes-men. I've never cared for them. Not much can be done about them, can't raise a fuss and say "no more yes-men", because that just gives them something to say "Oh, he's trying to run your life" and maybe she needs /that/ much attention.

Ugh.

Hate those guys.

Snoop. Don't be that guy.

Please, please, please don't be that guy. That guy sucks. That guy is pathetic and lonely and should go get a girl of his own.

I'm trying to, I really am, but it's difficult when you don'T have any experiences, don't have had any success and get no positive feedback from the female community at all !

Snoopy

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by SnoopDog
I'm trying to, I really am, but it's difficult when you don'T have any experiences, don't have had any success and get no positive feedback from the female community at all !

Snoopy

I don't know if you're up for advice, but I'll give it--worst happens you find it isn't for you.

Now, to preface, I don't believe in the happy dancing daisy theories that "good things come to those who wait" or "your soulmate is out there" or "let her go and if she comes back it was meant to be" or any of that.

I'm more pro-active than that and I've only had the utmost disgust for those sorts of cliche's.

First place to start, in my opinion, is self-improvement. Now, I don't know a lot about you, but I do know a few things about dating. First being, skank is skank no matter how you slice it. We live in a world of first impressions, always work on improving your own. The hot guy... he may be an ass, he may not be, but he'll get five minutes where the skank guy won't to prove it.

Looks, speech pattern, hobbies, direction in life, etc. Self improvement begins every day.

That's half the battle.

Past that, you don't need the girl. You don't. You like her? Tell her. You don't? Drop it. But, for the love of God (and this has been my advice to all my guy friends since the dawn of puberty) fish or cut bait... shit or get off the pot. Clean up, dress sharp, be cool, and find this chickie and lay it out for her.

Worst she does is say "I'm not interested". And, man, that ain't nothin'.

 

[English Lady]

In some ways i think Joes advice is good -you do need to be happy and confident in yourself. Don't try to be something your not though snop love. It'll fail miserably.

Advice from EL -the old romantic who DOES believe in soul mates

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Snoops, PM'd you.

 

[sincerely_helene]

What did you say when she told you she'd be interested? Did you give her any reason to think that you might be interested too?

It's impossible to say what's going on, but it kind of reminds me of the tragedy of the Bad Guy Girl, the girl who's got a thing for guys that aren't nice to her.

The Bad Guy Girl usually has at least a few Really Nice Guys hanging around her to talk to and unburden herself with, but they'll never get anywhere with her romatically. She'll only get involved with Bad Guys, guys who treat her like dirt. She'll take her problems to the Really Nice Guys for a few days when things get really rotten, and she'll talk about how she really doesn't like the Bad Guy, but as soon as she can, she'll go back to him, leaving the Really Nice Guy in the lurch.

Watch out for her if that's the case. It's very hard not to get sucked in.

---dr.M.

I wish I could argue with the logic behind this.

Little consolation though it might be, the relationship will likely end for one of two reasons:

1) He has proposed, thus is no longer the stimulating challenge he once proved to be, and she will soon grow bored.

2) He will walk away himself, after one too many demands that he change his appalling behaviour (bad boys seldom convert... hence the enticing challenge.)

If the latter becomes any part of the equation, heed the Doctors warning and run like hell! You will likely be the first one she turns to for confirmation that she still appeals after her rejection, but I can almost assure you she will not remain long.

 

[Black Tulip]

Snoop,

You are probably drowning in advice by now. LOL

Some of what Joe said is very true though. I know, I have been the safe girl for years. Being one of the guys prevented me from being anything else. I fear the same goes for being the safe guy among the girls.

And yes, when this girl ever turns up at your doorstep again, close the door!!! She used you, not necessarily in a bad way, but she was still seeing you for what you could give and not for who you are.

 

[SnoopDog]

Well, there never can be enough advice, right?


The ironic things it, I'm actually probably not that geeky as you all think and I already clean up, dress nice, try to be cool.
But it isn't working either.

But I'll definitely call her this weekend or next week and kinda seek contact myself.

We'll see...

Snoopy