Was Alone

[phoriner]

Sad morning came, and brought another lonely day;
You packed up my life and I watched you walk away.
I knew when I met you I'd find a reason to believe;
And I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

When I looked around...I was alone;
All we built came crashing down...I was alone...

I took a walk in the rain, I ended up on your street;
I can't hide this chain, I'm not looking too discreet.
You told me you love me - but you're in love with him;
I said I'd set you free, but my resolve's caving in...

Why can't you hear me, no; I'm just not that strong.
I count every teardrop that falls on this song;
I sit and stare at the phone -
Cause when I looked around...I was alone...

The best laid plans can sometimes go awry;
Behind a warm hello might be another sad goodbye.
Love can bring pain, there's no reason to pretend -
But I'll fall in love again hoping to win out in the end...

But when I looked around...I was alone...
And all we built came crashing down...I was alone...

 

[Rybka]

__________________
*~...been there...~*

That about says it. Almost everyone has experienced these sentiments. It is a natural part of life. Anyone can empathize, but that should not dull our critical skills. This poem has been written far better many times before by many poets. If writing it makes you feel better than it was a success. As a work of art it is trite, overworked, and mewling.

Honestly yours,                       Rybka

 

[phoriner]

Taste

Ryb...this is far from trite...it is a well-written piece with excellent music and is one of my best liked songs...certainly you are entitled to your opinion, no matter how envious, far off track you are...

 

[Rybka]

Re: Taste

Ryb...this is far from trite...it is a well-written piece with excellent music and is one of my best liked songs...certainly you are entitled to your opinion, no matter how envious, far off track you are...

It is probably a far better song than a poem.

De gusitibus. . .

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[karmadog]

As a song, I see the potential of the lyrics, but I'm with Rybka with regards to poetry.

I like a lot of songs that do not stand alone as poetry. I like punk for God's sake, but do many of them (maybe any) make good poetry? No.

Musically, though, one can take the words on the paper and add so many other things, that are other than words. The longing expressed in the singers voice, the counterpoint of a cheerful line of music, perhaps to express the better days. You get my point.

Reading song lyrics as poetry is like reading a play as a novel. A foolish exercise. Like a play, it needs to be performed.

Still, they'd be great lyrics.

PS Hasn't anyone ever wondered why their favorite poet can't write hit songs? There's definitely more money in writing lyrics.

 

[dragonhearted]

*shrugs*

 

[dragonhearted]

The problem Little Fishie....

That about says it. Almost everyone has experienced these sentiments. It is a natural part of life. Anyone can empathize, but that should not dull our critical skills. This poem has been written far better many times before by many poets. If writing it makes you feel better than it was a success. As a work of art it is trite, overworked, and mewling.

Honestly yours,                       Rybka

..........is that you are reading it with intent to criticize. I read it for the message inside. In fact, I read it and heard the music even BEFORE I knew it was a song!

 

[JUDO]

As a work of art it is trite, overworked, and mewling.

This critique does very little in the way of demonstrating to the artist how such elements might be observed or corrected in their work.

If you are going to criticize art (as you call it) then do a good job, please.


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

As a song, I see the potential of the lyrics, but I'm with Rybka with regards to poetry.

I like a lot of songs that do not stand alone as poetry. I like punk for God's sake, but do many of them (maybe any) make good poetry? No.

Musically, though, one can take the words on the paper and add so many other things, that are other than words. The longing expressed in the singers voice, the counterpoint of a cheerful line of music, perhaps to express the better days. You get my point.

Reading song lyrics as poetry is like reading a play as a novel. A foolish exercise. Like a play, it needs to be performed.

Still, they'd be great lyrics.

PS Hasn't anyone ever wondered why their favorite poet can't write hit songs? There's definitely more money in writing lyrics.

I agree with you, kdog. The lyrics phoriner wrote may sound wonderful when put to music, but as poetry, well I have to agree with Rybka. Maybe it's best not to present some song lyrics as poetry. I'm sure many poems that are considered good would probably suck as a song.
phoriner, I'd love to hear the song. By the way, are you a Foreigner fan?

 

[phoriner]

to Wicked

No, I am not really a fan of Foreigner...I feel a foreinger here is this world is all...

 

[Rybka]

This critique does very little in the way of demonstrating to the artist how such elements might be observed or corrected in their work.

If you are going to criticize art (as you call it) then do a good job, please.


- Judo

Judo, You removed the quote from its context. My main comment was to the effect that the theme/subject of the poem/song has been strip mined to the earth's core. Finding a new nugget of value in old words is very unusual.
It is not my job as a reader to rewrite an author's work, unless specifically asked to do so. Even so I did say that if it made the author feel better then it was a success in a sense. This is true of an awful (word with more than one meaning) lot of poems that are posted on the Lit. board.

And I do agree with you, I would not call this work (as a stand alone poem) art, but I did not want to be that brusque.

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
*~...been there...~*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That about says it. Almost everyone has experienced these sentiments. It is a natural part of life. Anyone can empathize, but that should not dull our critical skills. This poem has been written far better many times before by many poets. If writing it makes you feel better than it was a success. As a work of art it is trite, overworked, and mewling.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Judo, You removed the quote from its context. My main comment was to the effect that the theme/subject of the poem/song has been strip mined to the earth's core. Finding a new nugget of value in old words is very unusual.
It is not my job as a reader to rewrite an author's work, unless specifically asked to do so. Even so I did say that if it made the author feel better then it was a success in a sense. This is true of an awful (word with more than one meaning) lot of poems that are posted on the Lit. board.

And I do agree with you, I would not call this work (as a stand alone poem) art, but I did not want to be that brusque.

Thanks for the clarification, Rybka.


- Judo



Regards,                       Rybka