WARNING: Set beverage down first!

[McKenna]

.

 

[Wills]

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

Will's

 

[whispering_surrender]

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

Will's

*laughs* Boy am I glad I heeded my own warning about beverages! *grin*

Whisper

Ps. Thanks for your contributions everyone. I love it. *smiles*

 

[Quasimodem]

Forget "Tickle Me, Elmo!"

This year's must-have Christmas Present is the

Pull My Finger, Santa!

http://www.gagsplus.com/farting/pics/santa-big.jpg

AKA

The Wassail Whoopie Cushion

 

[Wills]

Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas
tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their
hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of
everything. They were all set. .......... but they couldn't find the
right tree.

They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was
blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get
that Christmas tree.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the
other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to,
we're going to cut it down, whether it's decorated or not!"

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Little Billy and his father are out walking in the park. As they pass a tree they come upon a pair od dogs who are engaged in amorous pursuits. Billy's father tries to change the subject, but eventually gives in and ansers billy's persitint question concerning what the two doggies were doing.

"Well son, they were making puppies," Dad said. surprisingly little Billy nodded and asked no more questions.

Two nights later Billy wakes in the night and is scared. he pads down to his parent room to find mom and dad having sex. Billy immediatly askes.

"Dad, what are you and mom doing?"

Thinking quickly Dad remembers how painless his explaination of the dogs in the park was and replied.

"Well son, we are making you a new little brother,"

Billy smiles and replies

"Aw dad, Roll her over, i'd much rather have puppies!"

-Colly

 

[Quasimodem]

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging,

"I could beat Karpov with no problem".

"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."

"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"

Finally, the hotel manager had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.

But why?" a bystander asked.

"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"




~ SORRY ~



BTW: What do you hear when you cross a sheep with a cicada?



Baa! Humbug!

 

[Stepandfetchit]

Hope this isn’t so old, everybody’s heard it!

Little Boy: “Boy, I’d sure like to get into your pants!”

Little Girl: “How come?”

Little Boy: “Cause I shit mine!”

 

[whispering_surrender]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."

*laughs*
Whisper

 

[MathGirl]

Sorry, I can't help myself............

Man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he wants something "different."

Bartender says he has invented a "special drink," but warns the guy that he should only have one.

Guy has the "special drink" and orders another one. Bartender warns him that he should only have one, but the guy demands another.

Guy drinks it and leaves.

Same man comes into the bar the next night and orders a beer. Bartender asks how he did the night before after two "special drinks."

Man says, "Well, I know now that I shouldn't have had that second "special drink." When I got home last night I blew chunks."

Bartender says, "I warned you sir. Bizarre things happen if a person has more than one of my "special drinks." Vomiting isn't unusual at all.

Man says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my cat."
MG

 

[damppanties]

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

 

[Guest]

A man walks into a bar...

 

[champagne1982]

Re: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas

1- Did you get any under the tree?

2- I think your balls are hanging too low.

3- Check out Rudolph's honker!

4- Santa's sack is really bulging.

5- Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.

6- Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

7- I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

8- From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

9- Can I interest you in some dark meat?

10- To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

11- Did Santa leave a little something in your stocking?

 

[Quasimodem]

A couple had been married 50 yrs. The wife suggested that they eat breakfast in the nude, just like they did the morning after their wedding nite.

While sitting at the table, she cooed to her hubby, "My tits are as hot now as they were 50 yrs. ago!"

Replied hubby: "I'm not surprised. One is hangin' down in your coffee, the other is in your oatmeal!"

*

http://people.delphiforums.com/MADDDADD2/bumper.jpg

 

[MR. Gibson]

Here is a silly drunken man joke: Two drunks go to the zoo and then they both hear a huge lion roar. One drunk says "let's go!" the other drunk just looks at him and says "why? the movie is just starting!"




*metro goldwyn mayer has a huge lion roar before the movie starts if you don't get it!

 

[cantdog]

Well this is a fine thread.
I heard the apple one as a discovery in an R&D lab, fellow rushing out with his
apple "Tastes just like pussy.. sell a million of 'em easy..."
ends with "turn it around!"

That was almost twenty years ago now.

These things recur.

I was on those ambulances for many years and you do see some predicaments for certain.

We got called to a college dorm room. Her roommate was standing around determinedly but would not say a thing to us. She wasn't going to leave, but she wasn't going to help, either. She'd been the one to meet us at the door and escort us there. Girl who wanted us was sitting on the bed, fully dressed, jeans and a top. We asked her what the problem was, as of course we were bound to do.

Up she stood. She sighed loudly, took a deep breath, then said, "Okay, here it is."

She pulled her jeans down and you know, there it was, all right.

Looked healthy.

Looked darn good.

"I don't understand..."

"Well, look at it! It's blue!"

Sure enough, the skin had not just a sunless paleness, but a blue cast.

I pondered. Blue is cyanosis, you get blue from insufficient oxygenation, but
this was not a limb. How could you cut off blood flow to an area as extended as this without systemic problems?

Then I got it. She wore no panties!

Blue jean cyanosis... "Are those jeans new?"

Yep. She hadn't washed them ever, just put 'em on.

 

[cloudy]

A woman is driving through the desert, on her way home from a business trip and she sees a native woman walking down the side of the deserted road.

The business woman is feeling a little lonely, so she pulls over and offers the old woman a ride.

The woman accepts, and they head back down the highway.

The native woman is very quiet, but the driver notices that she keeps glancing at a bag on the seat that contains a bottle of wine.

The woman explains, " It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband."

The native is still very quiet as she thinks this over and then says.....

"Good trade."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

This is not a joke, but an actual story.

The ambulance got a call from a hotel, but they couldn't quite make out what the emergency was, as the person calling was giggling hysterically while talking.
When they arrived to the hotel, the madly giggling man behind the counter in the lobby escorted the paramedics up to the honeymoon suite, and let them in. In the room was a newly-wed couple, naked, the bride all worried and in tears, and the groom in a great deal of pain.
It turned out that the groom had put his weddingring on his very tiny dick as a pube collar, and now that his dick had swelled up, he couldn't get the ring off. His dick had this blue shade, and was swollen to the point that it looked round.
After a moment's debate on how to free the man, they managed to find a clipper that could cut through metal, Willy was set free, and the groom was taken to the hospital.

There's really no explanation why the bride married the guy in the first place, but probably he had a lot of money.

 

[Bizkit_Writer]

I, also, do not know the author of this piece, but enjoy

Subject: Calling in Sick


Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too
darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is, " I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor, buck naked, in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter . . . and not succeeding.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

Somehow I lived through it ail. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"







If they only they knew!

OMFG! That one is to funny!