WARNING: Set beverage down first!

[whispering_surrender]

Disclaimer: This joke is not mine....but made me laugh, and I apologize to the creator for being unable to properly credit the quote. *grin*

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh
just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with
"Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me
put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining
all the time that there's nothing good to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Whisper

 

[Wills]

Will's

 

[Dirt Man]

So true

Laughed so hard I kicked the cat. Thanks, I needed that.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[Guest]

That reminds me...

 

[English Lady]

*LMAO* funny jokes

 

[Black Tulip]

Keep the funny stuff up. This is good for my daily dose of laughs.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

The lady with the turkey Needs a fence tatoo to keep the turkey out of the cave.

 

[The_old_man]

I, also, do not know the author of this piece, but enjoy

Subject: Calling in Sick


Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too
darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is, " I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor, buck naked, in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter . . . and not succeeding.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

Somehow I lived through it ail. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"







If they only they knew!

 

[TaffyJ]

Oh!

I think I ruptured something, trying not to wake the kids up while I laughed at that one! There are literally tears in my eyes. Thanks, I needed that.

 

[Quasimodem]

This is so old, it may be new.


A couple had just moved into an old apartment, and were still fixing up what they could.

The lady of the house awoke one morning, and went to the bathroom without getting dressed.

Later, when she tried to arise, she learned that hubby had just shellacked the wooden toilet seat. Now, she was trapped like a bug on flypaper.

When everything else failed, he finally called the fire department.

As the emergency crew arrived, the lady of the house realized that she was still buck naked. When hubby hurried to the front door, where the emergency crew was pounding for admittance, she demanded that he give her something to put on.

Unhelpfully, he handed her his Stetson, which she immediately clasped to her lap.

One member of the emergency crew went into the bathroom, while hubby explained their predicament to the other. As the first fireman resurfaced from the loo, hubby asked him, "Well? Can you help my wife?"

"Oh, no problem about your wife," the fireman replied, distractedly, "but I gotta tells you. That cowboy's a goner!"

 

[whispering_surrender]

Okay.....someone said keep it up.....so here is this morning's contribution.....

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!

*laughs softly*
Whisper

 

[damppanties]

Whisp, loved it.

 

[TaffyJ]

Good one.

Yeah, Whisp, that was nice. I can see myself doing that. It's amazing what we'll put up with from our men, if they only do the right thing every once in a while.

 

[Dingus Guy]

Tasteless Joke Du Jour

OK, since I admired this sick string of jokes, I must offer one of my all time favs. If you don't understand the ending, don't expect me to explain it to you blondes.

A guy walks into a bar and sits on an empty stool be the barkeep.

"What can I help you with today sir?" Says the Barkeep.

"Well I could use a nice gin and tonic, if you don't mind." fellow orders.

The Bartender reaches under the bar and after a few seconds lays an apple on the bar.

"What is this?" the guy inquires.

"Try it," Bartender says.

The guy takes a bit out of the apple and goes, "Wow that tastes just like gin."

"Flip it over," Bartender responds.

He flips it over and excitely announces, "That tastes like tonic!"

He finishes the apple off and asks the barkeep for a screwdriver. The bartender places another apple on the bar. He takes a bite and it tastes just like vodka. He flips it over and it taste just like orange juice. After a few apples, he's flying pretty high from the alcoholic apples. He looks over to the bartender and slurs,
"You know, <hiccup> I could go for a good woman right now!"

The bartender reaches back down and pulls out another apple and lays it in front of the man.

"You got to be kidding me; what is this?" He asks the barkeep.

 

[Dingus Guy]

Joke part 2

Ooops hit wrong key...read previous post to understand joke....


"Just try it," the bartender says.

The man takes a bite and spits it out screaming how disgusting it is.

The bartender looks confused then says, "Oh, I am so sorry, flip it over!"


Sorry if I screwed up the post but it is worth the wait.

 

[LorriLove]

giggling lots

you guys are so funny

little boy arrives at school very late one morning.

"why are you so late again johnny, you'll need a good answer this time" his teacher snaps.

"oh well miss, you see my granny got burned and i couldn't come straight to school today" johnny replies a bit sheepish like.

"oh i'm so sorry johnny i hope she hasn't been too badly burned" teacher answers herself a bit sheepish.

"well they don't fuck about at that crematorium miss" johnny replies.

lorri xxxxxxxx

 

[reohoko]

hehehe LOVED ALL THE JOKES!!!!

 

[Wills]

There is a drunk on a bus, a Priest sits in the only seat available, it is next to the drunk who is trying to read a newspaper.

The drunk turns to the Priest "Father tell me, how does a man get arthritis?"

The Priest answers, "From drinking himself stupid. living an immoral life and sleeping with loose women."

The drunk raises his eyebrows, looks at the Priest, then goes back to his paper. After a couple of minutes the Priest is thinking he was a bit hard on the man and tries to make ammends.

"Tell me my son, how long have you suffered with arthritis?"

"Oh it not me," the drunk replies, "I was just reading here that the Pope's got arthritis."

 

[whispering_surrender]

For this morning's contribution, I have to apologize to the cat lovers of the world......um.....sorry. *sheepish grin*


How To Give A Cat A Bath

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet as cat is enjoying this.)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

*tiptoes away chuckling*
Whisper

 

[Guest]

 

[shereads]

Speaking of Willie Nelson...

"I don't know about any king," replies the drunk, "but the guy in the middle looks just like Wille Nelson!"

Willie Nelson told this joke on Letterman's show one night. He said it was the only joke he knew that could be repeated on network television:

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," says the bartender. "We don't have any grapes."

The next night, the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," says the bartender. "We don't have grapes."

The next night and the next, and the night after that, the duck walks into the bar asks, "Got any grapes?"

And each time, the bartender replies, "No! We don't have grapes."

One night, when the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" the bartender snaps, "Listen good, duck. We don't have grapes tonight. We didn't have grapes the last time you asked. We never have grapes. And if you ask me one more time if we've got any grapes, I'm gonna nail your feet to the bar."

The next night, the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No, damn it! We don't have any nails."

"Got any grapes?"

 

[Quasimodem]

Sex Education 2003

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.

For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."

"That's right, honey" her mother said.

"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?"

"If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.

 

[Quasimodem]

There's Nothing Tastier Than Bearded Clam

http://www.thetoque.com/030408/pics/beardedclam.jpg

Restauranteurs admit that men love the bearded
clam, and that for women it in an acquired taste.
They say that the bearded clam is best when it's
tasted for the first time, moist and dripping in
its own succulent juices.

SOURCE: The Toque

 

[damppanties]

signs

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/dickcleaners.jpg

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/donotmolest.jpg

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/drunkedcrossing.jpg

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/ballsign.jpg

 

[damppanties]

letter to the sailors out there

Dear Sailors,

Merry Christmas. I know you are lonely because my dad is also in the navy. I wish my dad was home. I miss him. Also when Dad is gone, mom prays more. All I hear from her room is "Oh God, yes! Oh My God, yessss." I have not learned that prayer yet. I hope you have a great holiday.

Your friend,

Shawn.