RedFredHunter
Virgin
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- Dec 25, 2011
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- 6
Wanting feedback
- Thread starter RedFredHunter
- Start date
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 18, 2006
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The reader doesn't find out that it's just a first chapter--and that there's no actual sex in this--until the very end. I wouldn't have read it if I'd known that, and wouldn't read it now because I have no indication that this isn't just going to ramble on and never be completed.
It reads fine; breezes along--I'd get tired of it fast, though, if you're just going to breeze along, chapter after chapter, with more banter than action. Few technical problems that I see. Got the "old man" designation too often, though.
The carding and denial of a beer get me to wondering what the difference is in age of consent for inking your body as opposed to drinking a beer--which isn't answered here.
From what I've read here, I would put it in Fetish rather than Erotic Coupling. There's no real coupling yet--keeping in mind that this is a sex site.
It reads fine; breezes along--I'd get tired of it fast, though, if you're just going to breeze along, chapter after chapter, with more banter than action. Few technical problems that I see. Got the "old man" designation too often, though.
The carding and denial of a beer get me to wondering what the difference is in age of consent for inking your body as opposed to drinking a beer--which isn't answered here.
From what I've read here, I would put it in Fetish rather than Erotic Coupling. There's no real coupling yet--keeping in mind that this is a sex site.
Perfideous
Experienced
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- Mar 10, 2013
- Posts
- 82
I would have to agree with SR71plt on this one.
You have a tattooist with finely tuned morals not taking advantage of a girl who at least had the decency to ease our sagging interest by getting the girls out and giving them a good old jiggle and him a come on but for all that appears to have a sense of the appropriate herself.
Of course money over rides Morals and he gets a chance but instead of accepting her invitation- she was after a price reduction but a grope is still a grope - he calls her a slut and fully deserves to die a virgin the tosser. It was as if they could have got more physically involved ( I had given up on the romance side completely by then and was prepared to accept animalistic -I was sure that was a word- couplings instead.) but each time they were drawn back from the brink.
So instead of groping he gives her an effing lecture on post tattoo care.
And that's it.
Will they meet again for post tattoo progress monitoring?
Perhaps they will meet at Bible Study Class or Tattoo design theory class.
I have no idea but based on Chapter One I suspect not many readers will bother finding out.
You have a tattooist with finely tuned morals not taking advantage of a girl who at least had the decency to ease our sagging interest by getting the girls out and giving them a good old jiggle and him a come on but for all that appears to have a sense of the appropriate herself.
Of course money over rides Morals and he gets a chance but instead of accepting her invitation- she was after a price reduction but a grope is still a grope - he calls her a slut and fully deserves to die a virgin the tosser. It was as if they could have got more physically involved ( I had given up on the romance side completely by then and was prepared to accept animalistic -I was sure that was a word- couplings instead.) but each time they were drawn back from the brink.
So instead of groping he gives her an effing lecture on post tattoo care.
And that's it.
Will they meet again for post tattoo progress monitoring?
Perhaps they will meet at Bible Study Class or Tattoo design theory class.
I have no idea but based on Chapter One I suspect not many readers will bother finding out.
Last edited:
CWatson
Not in a band.
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 1,653
The characters are interesting but not likeable. I don't really care about them and I am not particularly interested in finding out what happens next. The whole teasing thing about "leaving us wanting more" only works if we want more in the first place.
Neither of these characters really have personality beyond flirting. They are walking stereotypes: the tattoo artist is foul-mouthed but kind at heart; the girl is trading on her new-found sexuality and, quite explicitly, has the same reaction to her tattoo that every first tattoo-ee has. There is nothing to make these characters special. There is nothing about them that is outside the run-of-the-mill standard. Heck, they don't even have names beyond "girl" and "old man"--you only use "Anya" like twice the entire time. The cardinal sin of any form of media--music, theater, literature--is to be boring, and that's where you've managed to drift.
For your next story, do one of two things. 1) Have the characters express a lot more personality in the first chapter. 2) If these characters already expressed their entire personality in the first chapter, give them about five times more.
Hope this helps.
Neither of these characters really have personality beyond flirting. They are walking stereotypes: the tattoo artist is foul-mouthed but kind at heart; the girl is trading on her new-found sexuality and, quite explicitly, has the same reaction to her tattoo that every first tattoo-ee has. There is nothing to make these characters special. There is nothing about them that is outside the run-of-the-mill standard. Heck, they don't even have names beyond "girl" and "old man"--you only use "Anya" like twice the entire time. The cardinal sin of any form of media--music, theater, literature--is to be boring, and that's where you've managed to drift.
For your next story, do one of two things. 1) Have the characters express a lot more personality in the first chapter. 2) If these characters already expressed their entire personality in the first chapter, give them about five times more.
Hope this helps.
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