Wanna get feedback on my first story

[Tomatotime]

I wrote this story a while back late at night. While it has recieved generally positive feedback, a lot of people have put in their favorites. I want to hear more constructive criticism in order to get better as a writer. The title is "My grandfather fucks my Girlfriend", tell how I can improve it. I am considering rewriting it to be as best as it can. My author name is Tomatotime, the story is in erotic couplings.

https://literotica.com/s/my-grandfather-fucks-my-girlfriend

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. It's fun if a little over the top, but it works pretty well. Some comments.

- I don't really buy the relationship between the grandfather and the MC - you start by staying he's always stepped up and been there for the MC but I didn't get any sense at all there was a bond between them. He just fucks the MC's girlfriend like he could be anyone.
- Similarly, it seemed a bit off that the grandfather goes so hard and is discovered banging a 40 y.o. and I didn't really get any sense that this is a) typical or b) atypical for the grandfather.
- I wasn't a big fan of the all-capital letters for sex talk, especially as there was quite a lot of it.
- Its probably more of a stylistic move, but the fact that neither the grandpa or girlfriend really talk to the MC gives the story a particularly detached feeling. Its also a 'super-cuck' story in the sense that the MC does absolutely nothing to stop any of it and goes around cleaning up after them. That has clearly enraged some people in the comments who like to get enraged about that kind of things. It's fine, but it does mean that there's a certain lack of drama in the story once its clear that there's no chance of the MC having any meaningful influence on events.
- Again, its a choice to exaggerate for effect, but I found you went a bit far - the grandpa is 6'7 and bangs for two hours (without cumming?) - it'd still be hot if you dialled it back a little.
- The sex is generally pretty good - there's a lot of standard jiggling and moaning and bouncing, but it works well as porn.

 

[maryanek]

the fact that neither the grandpa or girlfriend really talk to the MC gives the story a particularly detached feeling. Its also a 'super-cuck' story in the sense that the MC does absolutely nothing to stop any of it and goes around cleaning up after them. That has clearly enraged some people in the comments who like to get enraged about that kind of things. It's fine, but it does mean that there's a certain lack of drama in the story once its clear that there's no chance of the MC having any meaningful influence on events.

I absoultely agree with that! On point!

 

[Tomatotime]

I absoultely agree with that! On point!

It definitely feels like it needs more build up to get to that point with the mc. With the character not interacting much, I was just in a rush to get to the sex. Whenever I read erotica I already have my hand down my pants so I wrote it from that perspective.

 

[maryanek]

It definitely feels like it needs more build up to get to that point with the mc. With the character not interacting much, I was just in a rush to get to the sex. Whenever I read erotica I already have my hand down my pants so I wrote it from that perspective.

It happens a lot, but it often weakens the plotlines/ and / or character development.
I sometimes read stories that are so obviously focused on the author wanting to just write about his kinks and he was just so aroused that you can sense his keyboard is sticky, but the story suffers overall and even may come across as less arousing due to the lack of a mental foreplay. I'm not saying it's your case, but if you read enough on Literotica, you'll come to the same conclusion. Most stories are just "smut snippets" and nothing more. It's rare to find truly good, wholesome story on Literotica. But it happens! I mostly read gay/trans and incest stories and sometimes contest winners are very complicated, satisfying and sexy stories.

 

[Tomatotime]

It happens a lot, but it often weakens the plotlines/ and / or character development.
I sometimes read stories that are so obviously focused on the author wanting to just write about his kinks and he was just so aroused that you can sense his keyboard is sticky, but the story suffers overall and even may come across as less arousing due to the lack of a mental foreplay. I'm not saying it's your case, but if you read enough on Literotica, you'll come to the same conclusion. Most stories are just "smut snippets" and nothing more. It's rare to find truly good, wholesome story on Literotica. But it happens! I mostly read gay/trans and incest stories and sometimes contest winners are very complicated, satisfying and sexy stories.

Got any suggestions on how I can improve the story?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Got any suggestions on how I can improve the story?

Write another one. You'll learn more as a writer by writing more stories, not by futzing the same one over and over.

 

[Tomatotime]

Write another one. You'll learn more as a writer by writing more stories, not by futzing the same one over and over.

Your definitely right.