Wanking weapons

[ClockworkFox]

Hi everyone,

I am the short fat dictator of a country in south-east Asia that must remain nameless. My people have hacked into Mistress S / Spunkylady’s account here. She will not mind. If she does, she may regret any complaints she may make about it because no one is allowed to annoy me, tee-hee, and so she should watch her dad-blamed goddamn motherfucking shithead ass, as I believe the saying goes. My English is not perfect, sadly. I learned it in Switzerland, where I was sent to attend finishing school. I did not know what a “finishing school” was before I arrived there, but I certainly do now! Picture a dozen or so red-blooded sons of cruel men across the globe worldwide, all with signature haircuts, learning to finish properly in unison. Mmmm …!

People cannot do this masturbation thing in my country, because it is not allowed. It is not allowed because it is fun, and fun is not allowed in our country unless you are important like me. Well, not like me, because no one comes even close to being as important as me. I even had to get rid of some of my own family because they thought they were rather important too. Fancy!

So plain-clothes policemen secretly patrol everywhere hunting down people who may be enjoying themselves or having a little fun. It could be anything - a harmless little private joke they overhear, they see someone smiling off guard at a gurgling baby in its pram, or perhaps they witness an amused chuckle at a jolly dog capering wildly around, jumping in the air or running after a stick (running, yes, but no excited, joyous woofing is allowed, and our dogs know this), a fortuitous giggle discovered when someone perhaps slips and falls on a patch of ice, and as for people found deliberately pleasuring themselves – well! All such subversives are taken off the streets immediately and are never seen or heard from again. My country is a serious nation, and must be taken seriously by all those fortunate enough to live there.

Oh yes, masturbation. I have a particular fetish, and it is a weapon masturbation fetish. How about that? It is also a little joke of mine, using that word "weapon", but really I mean killing weapons. Some of my closest associates know this, and they have a nickname for me. Instead of my official three names, they call me Lil Wan Ker, yes. We have quite a lot of missiles here, and obviously they are all streamlined with that big long cock shape I love so much. So tapered, so phallic, so powerful. Does anyone else like big thick juicy missiles? I like to think they are full of gallons of spunk!

I have to inspect a lot of missiles in my job - in fact, I do little else all day long - and I like to leave my own spunky mark on them. What I do is sit astride it on the carrier truck, and then they rev the truck up to high-do, and that makes everything vibrate, of course, and so I get very excited and I pull my little wire very, very fast, or my wife does, but only if I allow her to, because mostly she stays at home drinking waiting for me, and after about half an hour of bishop-bashing I squirt perhaps all of two and a half ropes all over the missile. Then one of my underling generals comes up with a freezing agent to spray over it to capture the squirt mark, and another general sprays the stencilled inscription “Lil Wan Ker was here”. It is highly symbolic, because when that missile explodes and kills a lot of unimportant people or simply pollutes the environment unnecessarily, it also means that Lil Wan Ker exploded too. Do you see?

So does anyone else out there like to rub themselves up and down a long-range one? Maybe someone making out with a little Scud? Or even, scaling it down considerably, jerking off over the butt of a Kalashnikov or squirting all over the barrel of a general-purpose machine gun? Perhaps you could send in a pic.

 

[LustyScribe]

Um, what's your immigration policy like? Just sounds too good to be true!

 

[ClockworkFox]

Are you from a feckin video game? Or are just a sick in the arse comedian?

Dapperguy, Dapperguy, that comment seems more than a little harsh. I am merely trying to inject a measure of well-phrased humour into the community, whereas you seem to be bent on violent quasi-illiterate overreaction.

Now, understand that normally I would not give someone such as your vile self the time of day, trusting in the Universe to simply assume that what goes around comes around, and that in return for your bad scran, as they say where I come from, you are the kind of obnoxious person who is to be pitied, because it is likely that you regularly end up in a pool of your own vomit, urine and diarrhoea in the gutter after a night out annoying people in bars and the like through sheer bloodymindedness.

I shall, however, refrain from doing so, and behold, I have even taken the time to write a little ditty, a limerick, just for you, viz:


My thoughts on your opinions are this
Between the latter and arseholes, no abyss
All people have one
Some simply ARE one
So here's my little sweet one, to kiss


PS: Check the dictionary for the spelling of "predilections". For your delightfully no-nonsense profile, you understand.

 

[Kenrychard]

It's not that Dapperguy has no sense of humor, its that he felt he wasted all the time it took to read the post to find something humorous. In my case, instead of ranting at the wasted time, finding little of substance or entertaining, I looked instead at the whole, and realized the humor was in the entirety of the work, not individual parts, and the time wasted reading it was part of the humor. Jokes on us for reading it, and we look even stupider for compounding our stupidity by wasting the time to comment.
Or maybe it was funny and it went over my head, but more likely far below my IQ

 

[ClockworkFox]

It's not that Dapperguy has no sense of humor, its that he felt he wasted all the time it took to read the post to find something humorous. In my case, instead of ranting at the wasted time, finding little of substance or entertaining, I looked instead at the whole, and realized the humor was in the entirety of the work, not individual parts, and the time wasted reading it was part of the humor. Jokes on us for reading it, and we look even stupider for compounding our stupidity by wasting the time to comment.
Or maybe it was funny and it went over my head, but more likely far below my IQ

 

[ClockworkFox]

Hello Kenrychard,

Thank you for your comment. I trust your IQ is fine and well!


Clockwork Fox

 

[Mike130]

Hi everyone,

I am the short fat dictator of a country in south-east Asia that must remain nameless. My people have hacked into Mistress S / Spunkylady’s account here. She will not mind. If she does, she may regret any complaints she may make about it because no one is allowed to annoy me, tee-hee, and so she should watch her dad-blamed goddamn motherfucking shithead ass, as I believe the saying goes. My English is not perfect, sadly. I learned it in Switzerland, where I was sent to attend finishing school. I did not know what a “finishing school” was before I arrived there, but I certainly do now! Picture a dozen or so red-blooded sons of cruel men across the globe worldwide, all with signature haircuts, learning to finish properly in unison. Mmmm …!

People cannot do this masturbation thing in my country, because it is not allowed. It is not allowed because it is fun, and fun is not allowed in our country unless you are important like me. Well, not like me, because no one comes even close to being as important as me. I even had to get rid of some of my own family because they thought they were rather important too. Fancy!

So plain-clothes policemen secretly patrol everywhere hunting down people who may be enjoying themselves or having a little fun. It could be anything - a harmless little private joke they overhear, they see someone smiling off guard at a gurgling baby in its pram, or perhaps they witness an amused chuckle at a jolly dog capering wildly around, jumping in the air or running after a stick (running, yes, but no excited, joyous woofing is allowed, and our dogs know this), a fortuitous giggle discovered when someone perhaps slips and falls on a patch of ice, and as for people found deliberately pleasuring themselves – well! All such subversives are taken off the streets immediately and are never seen or heard from again. My country is a serious nation, and must be taken seriously by all those fortunate enough to live there.

Oh yes, masturbation. I have a particular fetish, and it is a weapon masturbation fetish. How about that? It is also a little joke of mine, using that word "weapon", but really I mean killing weapons. Some of my closest associates know this, and they have a nickname for me. Instead of my official three names, they call me Lil Wan Ker, yes. We have quite a lot of missiles here, and obviously they are all streamlined with that big long cock shape I love so much. So tapered, so phallic, so powerful. Does anyone else like big thick juicy missiles? I like to think they are full of gallons of spunk!

I have to inspect a lot of missiles in my job - in fact, I do little else all day long - and I like to leave my own spunky mark on them. What I do is sit astride it on the carrier truck, and then they rev the truck up to high-do, and that makes everything vibrate, of course, and so I get very excited and I pull my little wire very, very fast, or my wife does, but only if I allow her to, because mostly she stays at home drinking waiting for me, and after about half an hour of bishop-bashing I squirt perhaps all of two and a half ropes all over the missile. Then one of my underling generals comes up with a freezing agent to spray over it to capture the squirt mark, and another general sprays the stencilled inscription “Lil Wan Ker was here”. It is highly symbolic, because when that missile explodes and kills a lot of unimportant people or simply pollutes the environment unnecessarily, it also means that Lil Wan Ker exploded too. Do you see?

So does anyone else out there like to rub themselves up and down a long-range one? Maybe someone making out with a little Scud? Or even, scaling it down considerably, jerking off over the butt of a Kalashnikov or squirting all over the barrel of a general-purpose machine gun? Perhaps you could send in a pic.

I would like to get a visa to your country. Missiles sometimes intrigue me, as do the containers they go into. For my visa application do I need to provide a spunk sample? Is a gallon sufficient? It may take me a week or two….