Waiter, fetch me another Feedback! (feedback-open thread for my writing)

[DownBi]

Memory Mold Bikini

Attention whore.
You wanted my attention.

Well you got it:
Got it as soon as you walked out,
In my bikini.

I remember how you smiled ...
God your smile;
Smug slutty smile.
That thrill of the game you'd won.

You looked better in my bikini after all:
It molded to you,
Told you secrets and told me where to look,
Showed me the exact curves you wanted me to know.
Show off.

But it didn't objectify you?
No you controlled it.
Molded it to your movements,
To that pretty way you carried yourself:
Bounce in your step...
In your thighs~

In your fat ass~
In your smile and your sweat-dried hips~
In your attention and your tits against mine and and and~
In youR FfUCKk!k.hk..k

... f-Fuck me ...

... why did you do this to me?
Just so you could give it back to me?
Just so I could've traced what was once a cameltoe?
Just so I could cum to memories of you?

Fuck you.
I'm making you wear this tomorrow~

 

[Angeline]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Glad you've decided to join us. Feel free to join in the conversations and challenges as you choose.

 

[SmilingLez]

I liked it. Clear, easy to imagine, and modern word choice without bogging my brain down.

 

[MrMrsMrsMr]

I agree with the previous respondents, Welcome. Please see my feedback as supporting your request. I hope to see more of your posts around in and about the poetry forums space.

The poem fits well. Nothing further needed.

If you did decide to tweak it for no real reason (it is lovely as it is). The bikini color, the cut with a little material sensation perhaps… might add to image transmission. From eyes on only, to bodily sensations. Or it could risk this poem becoming formulaically cliched.

ps feedback equally welcomed.

 

[SmilingLez]

hardwired in my brain

Words
dressed in old robes,
comforting,
but empty.