voting

[ABSTRUSE]

Él está ocultando en el armario.

Perdita

tr: He is hiding in the closet.

ROFLMAO!!!!! It sounds so beautiful in another language. I'm going to put that on a t-shirt and send it to him.

thanks for the smile
I have to go change my depends now.

~A~

 

[bearlee]

Thanks for the comments on my crit, everyone. I was just doing a public service; I wonder if Juan appreciates it. I'm eagerly awaiting his response.



Bearlee: LOL! "Nice offspring!" Hahaha! Don't worry about me ever picking apart one of your stories, I couldn't if I tried. We all know they aren't in the same league as the talented (less) Juan.

When critiquing, it's always important to pick out the good points of a story, so as not to dishearten the writer. Ok, I'll have a quick look.

Right, ok... um... nope, can't find a thing... it's all crap!

Sorry Juan, I'd say don't give up, but, please do.

Lou

LMAO again. Believe me, you could find all kinds of crap but please, don't go out of your way here It was kind of you to go back and look again though for the good points It did end-isn't that a good point Now I feel bad for what I just said and should delete that last line-maybe I'll edit it later

 

[juanjsojr]

votes

my story been better I don't care if people here doesn't vote or say bad stuff I still doing more of my story in the other site they voted good rating for my story 7 out of 10 unlike many here who doesn't think my story is good it doesn't matter if everyone hates my story I will write more because many email me with good feed backs

 

[minsue]

You tell 'em, juan.

 

[juanjsojr]

Re: Re: voting

the only one who needs help writting is you your storys are worst then mine whoi wrote those you or a little kid man I never would read storys like yours

 

[minsue]

Re: Re: Re: voting

the only one who needs help writting is you your storys are worst then mine whoi wrote those you or a little kid man I never would read storys like yours

You might want to try quoting the person you are responding to, juan. Or was that just a general statement to all who have posted here?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Juan, we missed you...welcome back.
Are you writing a part 2 or a whole new story?
~A~

 

[juanjsojr]

votes

people in this sites are good hearted and bad writers some I mean the only bad writers and ty minsue people are just blind to see how well a story is unlike here I got good votes in the other places two of them with 10 voting rating I got a 7.67 rating I bet some here won't get there storys a better then a 4 and oops sorry minsure it wasn't you I said that it was some other who was saying shit here and no abs I am writting a second and part three too and how about where are those storys you write or they were rejecyed I can be a better writer then anyone here at least some other sites have good manners unlike some here who treats some with a bad attuide like you abs

 

[minsue]

Re: votes

people in this sites are good hearted and bad writers some I mean the only bad writers and ty minsue people are just blind to see how well a story is unlike here I got good votes in the other places two of them with 10 voting rating I got a 7.67 rating I bet some here won't get there storys a better then a 4 and oops sorry minsure it wasn't you I said that it was some other who was saying shit here and no abs I am writting a second and part three too and how about where are those storys you write or they were rejecyed I can be a better writer then anyone here at least some other sites have good manners unlike some here who treats some with a bad attuide like you abs

Ummm...I'm not sure how to break it to you since a small part of me holds a great deal of sympathy for you on so many levels, but I was being sarcastic earlier. The comments that you have posted and the cowardly feedback that you sent to Colly infuriate me. Your writing is beyond poor. I will give you credit in that English is not your native tongue. Please believe all of us when we say your English is not ready yet. You may want to try the non-english category.

You may also want to try to keep your damned mouth shut and stop bashing people. At this point, as far as I'm concerned, your posts are nothing to me. Flies to be swatted away. Try treating people with respect and maybe I'll rethink my opinion of you. It's a big maybe, though.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Re: votes

people in this sites are good hearted and bad writers some I mean the only bad writers and ty minsue people are just blind to see how well a story is unlike here I got good votes in the other places two of them with 10 voting rating I got a 7.67 rating I bet some here won't get there storys a better then a 4 and oops sorry minsure it wasn't you I said that it was some other who was saying shit here and no abs I am writting a second and part three too and how about where are those storys you write or they were rejecyed I can be a better writer then anyone here at least some other sites have good manners unlike some here who treats some with a bad attuide like you abs

Juan sweetie,
don't get all upset at us, we really do like you, we just want you to get better at your writing,but being bold isn't going to help now is it?
And yes love, I've had stories posted, they have recieved good feedback, but I have also depended on the kind folks here to help me to hone my writing skills.
I'm just a playful minx and would love to edit for you if you need help, please don't be afraid to ask.
~A~

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Am I the only one here who gets the feeling they know juan? Something fishy going on...

Come out, come out, whomever you are...

~lucky





~A~ If you're the minx, then what does that make me?

 

[pop_54]

I can feel the love.

Lou, your kindness toward helping the underdeveloped nation of Juan is worth a standing ovation. That was some damn fine editing.
At times it was like watching a tennis match for the blind. I laughed, I cried, I lost bladder control...
~A~

You forgot to mention that Lou's avatar's deserve a standing prick as well Talking of standing prick's anyone seen Juan about?

 

[lucky-E-leven]

You forgot to mention that Lou's avatar's deserve a standing prick as well Talking of standing prick's anyone seen Juan about?

'Allo, lover. Mwah to my sweet Pops!

~lucky

 

[pop_54]

'Allo, lover. Mwah to my sweet Pops!

~lucky

Hello you most beautiful young thing, God you make me hard You always bring on a standing prick

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Hello you most beautiful young thing, God you make me hard You always bring on a standing prick

Such a charmer, you handsome devil! I'm in need of ravishing...

...see you soon? Maybe Juan would like to join us and you could hold his hand so he doesn't get bored or sick, while I handle up on your wife...




~lucky

 

[pop_54]

Such a charmer, you handsome devil! I'm in need of ravishing...

...see you soon? Maybe Juan would like to join us and you could hold his hand so he doesn't get bored or sick, while I handle up on your wife...




~lucky

Now that sounds fun darling, maybe he'd like me to play with him while you eat my wife's gash, i think he likes it up the Garry Glitter.

 

[minsue]

Up the Garry Glitter?!?!?!?

OMG, laughing so hard.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Now that sounds fun darling, maybe he'd like me to play with him while you eat my wife's gash, i think he likes it up the Garry Glitter.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You're too much. I'm VERY close to swimming the pond to deliver the big kiss you've got coming.



~lucky

 

[pop_54]

Hey Lou

Oh well, since I've had no response, here it is anyway (by popular demand, I hasten to add). I can always remove it, if I do get some kind of response. When I did it in Word, btw, all of the bracketed stuff was in red, as were quite a few full stops and commas, which I felt needed to be added. I just cannot be arsed to go through and put the colour tags around it all, I'd be here all night.

Anyway, I hope you find it useful, Juan, and it helps to further your "writting".

Lou

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lifetime Love
by juanjsojr ©

My dad and I have been living alone together (how can they live alone together? Not logical) for 10 years since my mother died. My name is Chris and my Dad's name is Michael. One night everything changed. (Did the following just happen overnight? Was there no build up? No pre-warning? No expectation?)

"Dad I'm home!" I holler. At 18, I am considered hot. I work out a lot. I am 6'2", I have blue eyes, black hair and a 10" cock. (Cardinal sin here, giving measurements is a cop out, and something no half decent writer would do. Use your imagination, get creative, tell me how he looks by showing me. Give me some imagery.)

"I'm in the basement, son. You're back from football already?" Dad is pretty sexy himself. One time I went to the bathroom to take a piss and I saw him in the shower jacking off and man he's (his) cock is 8" and my cock was starting to get hard.

"Yeah, it was cancelled because it's raining. What's for dinner, Dad?"

"How about pizza? We can watch a movie tonight." My son is one hot guy. (This completely jerked me out of the “story”. You are telling this story in first person POV, and you’ve just switched POV from that of the son to that of the father. You can’t do that.)

I went back to my room and started pulling on my cock while I thought about my dad's cock. Lately I've been thinking about sucking the cocks of the guys on the team. I started stroking faster until I went off. Cum flew every where and when I open my eyes my dad was at my door. He had a strange look on his face.

"I'm sorry Dad," I said as I covered up. (Give me some emotion here. How did the son feel? Was he embarrassed, excited, ashamed, secretly pleased his Dad caught him pulling on his massive cock?)

"Don't worry son, everyone does it. You've really grown up alot (a lot – two words) and have a great body to show off." (But, he wasn’t intentionally “showing off” his body? Or, was he? Give me some clues here.) My dad lifted the sheet and started running his hands over my abs. Then he drops (dropped – you’ve slipped into present tense here. Keep it all in the past, please!?) the sheet to the floor and started scooping up my cum. Then he put his fingers in his mouth and started sucking the cum from them. (Didn’t the son find this behaviour a trifle “odd”. Had he got any clue before from his oh so loving Father that he wanted to “get it on” with him? How did this make the son feel? Pull me into their heads, give me some emotion!) He moaned, "Mmm, tasty."

My father started kissing me on the cheeks and then his mouth came down on mine. He started kissing me with passion and we are (were – present tense again) sharing my cum, then my father starts (started – tense again) kissing (my) neck until he comes (approached – tense and word choice problems here) near my nipples and starts (started – tense, again) licking and biting them,(. He then) then brings (brought) his hands down to my dick and strokes (stroked) it slowly. Then he brings (brought) his mouth down and starts licking (started to lick) around the head of my cock and then he puts all my cock in this troat (throat – turn your spellchecker on, and get your “editor” to do the same thing) and starts sucking (started to suck) fast and I was close to cumming again. (What so soon? I mean, he’d orgasmed all of two minutes before this point. I don’t think I’ve ever known a man regain full hardness in that time, let alone be close to ejaculation again. You need to inject a hint of realism into this highly unbelievable story).

"Oh Dad...oh god that feels good! Keep sucking, oh yes Dad! You're going to make me cum!" (How is he feeling about his Dad bringing him off?)

"No, not yet son." Then my dad starts (started) licking my balls. He surprises me by putting a finger in my ass hole. (This Dad’s not shy, is he? The son was merely “surprised”. Is that all?)

I gasp (gasped), "Oh Dad! That feels so good. Keep doing that!"

"You like that son?"

"Oh yes!" I moan (moaned) loudly. Suddenly I need (needed) more. "Oh dad fuck me! I need that bigcock (big cock – two words) of yours." (Why did he suddenly need more? What was driving him to the height of passion? Was it the extreme eroticism of the moment?)

"Are you sure?" (Such a touching moment of loving concern from his Father)

"Oh yes, I want you to be my first!"

"Ok son, but this will hurt at first." (There it is again, this Father really loves this son) Then my dad started licking my hole so it would be wet and ready. (How did that feel to the son?) He kneels (knelt) between my legs, pushing my knees back to my chest to open my hole for him. (I’m having a problem envisioning the position here. He pushed his knees “back” to his chest? Impossible! “Up” to his chest, maybe) He starts (began to) entering (enter) me and I feel (felt) like I'm (I was) being ripped apart.

I whimper(ed), "Stop! Stop, it hurts!"

"Don't worry, Chris I will go slow." (Such loving concern) He watches (watched) me as he starts (started to go) going in slowly. "See son? Half of my cock is in already.” (How can he see? From what I can gather, he’s got his head shoved down somewhere near his knees.)

The pain slowly melted to pleasure and I moaned. "Oh Dad, it feels do (so) good. I'm close to cumming already! Fuck me Dad. I want it all! Fuck me hard." My dad then drives (drove) the rest of his big thick cock deep in my ass and starts (started to go) going faster.

He groans (groaned), staring deep into my eyes, "Oh yes! I love your tight hole son." (Yeah, I bet he does! And, again, how can he stare deep into his eyes. The son must ne a contortionist.)

"Oh yes, fuck me hard! Dad I love you. I'm cumming! Oh yes fuck me harder Dad!" My cum spurts (spurted) all over his chest and mine, (How? Oh! Is the son on his back? Please make this clear) then I feel (felt) his cock expand as he starts (started) cumming too. Spurt after spurt fills (filled) my hole with the same cum that created me. (What an interesting touch here. I guess you just thought the reader needed reminding of the fact this was a Father and a son. How could we forget?)

He collapses (collapsed) on top of me and I hug him tight. (Yep, got it now, the son is definitely on his back) "Oh Dad, I love you."

He smiles (smiled), kissing my mouth again, "From now on you sleep with me and we can make love whenever we want." (Blimey, this guy moves fast)

(You switch POV again here, very jarring and should not be done, especially in a first person story) My son smiles (smiled), "Dad I hope me and you will be together forever and I don't care what anyone says I love you with all my heart." (As he should, he is his son, after all. What, no doubts about sleeping with his Dad every night and letting him fuck him? No worries? Not even any mixed feelings?)

(Back to the POV of the son again) My dad then kisses (kissed) me goodnight, "Don't worry son, tomorrow we can make more love and (then) we can go camping next weekend. We can have fun fishing and camping and have more sex." (Camping, how apt. Isn’t this all moving a bit too fast for the son, though? I mean, what is going through his mind?)

I said, "Dad that will be fun, me and you will have a great time together. We can do things together." (What things? Like camping and fishing and sex, you mean? Oh, ok.)

My dad says (said), "What do you want to do tomorrow? Do you want to go and rent some movies we could watch, and then we could make love."

I said, "Sure Dad, maybe some action and maybe some porno movies. We could watch some man to man action sucking and fucking each other. That will make me hot, how about you, Dad?" (Doesn’t the Dad get annoyed at the son for constantly repeating everything he says?)

My dad says (said), "Sure son, that will be nice. How about we get some sleep tonight? Good night son." (That seemed a little short and sharp, considering the tender loving that had just gone on between them.)

(You’ve switched POV again.) My son then kisses (kissed) me good night and falls (fell) asleep. (What straight away? Are they still both in the son’s room? What happened there, did I miss something?) Me and my son will be a good father and son relationships (relationship) and maybe including others. (That’s a very, how shall I say it? “Unusual” take on what a good Father/son relationship is. And, including others? Man, this guy really does care for his son, doesn’t he?)

Hey Lou, finally got round to reading your critique, did they really accept that crap on here?? Nice critique mind you dear, very polite and proper.

Jesus fucking shit, and the arseholes had the nerve to reject my NaNo story, Hell's fucking bells, think I'll have to go to one of Juan's sites where they give a ten vote if you can spell your name.

 

[KenJames]

Re: votes

people in this sites are good hearted and bad writers some I mean the only bad writers and ty minsue people are just blind to see how well a story is unlike here I got good votes in the other places two of them with 10 voting rating I got a 7.67 rating I bet some here won't get there storys a better then a 4 and oops sorry minsure it wasn't you I said that it was some other who was saying shit here and no abs I am writting a second and part three too and how about where are those storys you write or they were rejecyed I can be a better writer then anyone here at least some other sites have good manners unlike some here who treats some with a bad attuide like you abs

If you're a better writer than anyone else here, why are your posts so incomprehensible?

As for attitude, you pretty much get what you give and, from the very beginning, you've given us nothing but shit.

So, fuck off!

 

[NoJo]

Actually I quite liked it, especially all those parenthetical asides which made it seem as though the inner voice, the conscience, if you will, were nagging, constantly nagging at the narrator, almost like his overbearing father which was so brilliantly portrayed. The cock of the father was 8 inches, while that of the son was ten inches. This is a subtle reference to the Book of Job: "And he smote them with a rod of half a cubit until they cried out and went out of Canaan."

 

[KenJames]

Actually I quite liked it, especially all those parenthetical asides which made it seem as though the inner voice, the conscience, if you will, were nagging, constantly nagging at the narrator, almost like his overbearing father which was so brilliantly portrayed. The cock of the father was 8 inches, while that of the son was ten inches. This is a subtle reference to the Book of Job: "And he smote them with a rod of half a cubit until they cried out and went out of Canaan."

Good point! Maybe Juan is really James Joyce in disguise.

 

[pop_54]

Re: Re: votes

If you're a better writer than anyone else here, why are your posts so incomprehensible?

As for attitude, you pretty much get what you give and, from the very beginning, you've given us nothing but shit.

So, fuck off!

Funny how he writes with a foreign accent here, but not in his crap story though Ken, I always thought people spoke with a foreign accent, not so much wrote in one. I feel he may be taking the piss.

 

[KenJames]

Am I the only one here who gets the feeling they know juan? Something fishy going on...

Come out, come out, whomever you are...

~lucky

If Juan's just a troll, he's brilliant at simulating bad writing.

 

[KenJames]

Re: Re: Re: votes

Funny how he writes with a foreign accent here, but not in his crap story though Ken, I always thought people spoke with a foreign accent, not so much wrote in one. I feel he may be taking the piss.

In one of his posts, he mentioned having an editor help him with the story. God knows what it was like before that.

Of course, you certainly could be right.