voting

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: who cares

Holding my judgement, losing my grip on reality.

ps. Baldrick?

Aren't we all!?

I'm losing my sanity here, this is painful!

I'll PM you about Baldrcik.

Lou

 

[Guest]

 

[KenJames]

Re: who cares

who cares about lesbian story they are boring and sick I always am a good writer these people are just doesn't know it I keep on writting even those people who hates my story

As a writer, I'm sure you're a legend in your own mind.

Each of your posts increases my desire to bend you over my knee, spank your little bare butt until it's bright red, and then fuck it – roughly. I think you'd probably like that.

 

[Guest]

Juan?

Where are you, Juan?

Do you want it, Juan?

I've gone through and given it a good critique - at no small sacrifice to my own time, I must add.

Shall I just go ahead and post it here?

I thought I'd wait for your permission first, I'd hate to offend you in any way.

Don't worry, I've been very helpful.

Lou

P.S. What is the rule about posting a crit of someone's work, without their prior permission? I'd hate to be rude, especially to such a kind and considerate person as Juan.

Edited to add: I've doubled your word count, that's how thorough my critique is.

 

[Guest]

Oh well, since I've had no response, here it is anyway (by popular demand, I hasten to add). I can always remove it, if I do get some kind of response. When I did it in Word, btw, all of the bracketed stuff was in red, as were quite a few full stops and commas, which I felt needed to be added. I just cannot be arsed to go through and put the colour tags around it all, I'd be here all night (I came back in and edited my post, highlighting my bits of the edited story in red - much easier to do with this new board software).

Anyway, I hope you find it useful, Juan, and it helps to further your "writting".

Lou

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lifetime Love
by juanjsojr ©

My dad and I have been living alone together (how can they live alone together? Not logical) for 10 years since my mother died. My name is Chris and my Dad's name is Michael. One night everything changed. (Did the following just happen overnight? Was there no build up? No pre-warning? No expectation?)

"Dad I'm home!" I holler. At 18, I am considered hot. I work out a lot. I am 6'2", I have blue eyes, black hair and a 10" cock. (Cardinal sin here, giving measurements is a cop out, and something no half decent writer would do. Use your imagination, get creative, tell me how he looks by showing me. Give me some imagery.)

"I'm in the basement, son. You're back from football already?" Dad is pretty sexy himself. One time I went to the bathroom to take a piss and I saw him in the shower jacking off and man he's (his) cock is 8" and my cock was starting to get hard.

"Yeah, it was cancelled because it's raining. What's for dinner, Dad?"

"How about pizza? We can watch a movie tonight." My son is one hot guy. (This completely jerked me out of the “story”. You are telling this story in first person POV, and you’ve just switched POV from that of the son to that of the father. You can’t do that.)

I went back to my room and started pulling on my cock while I thought about my dad's cock. Lately I've been thinking about sucking the cocks of the guys on the team. I started stroking faster until I went off. Cum flew every where and when I open my eyes my dad was at my door. He had a strange look on his face.

"I'm sorry Dad," I said as I covered up. (Give me some emotion here. How did the son feel? Was he embarrassed, excited, ashamed, secretly pleased his Dad caught him pulling on his massive cock?)

"Don't worry son, everyone does it. You've really grown up alot (a lot – two words) and have a great body to show off." (But, he wasn’t intentionally “showing off” his body? Or, was he? Give me some clues here.) My dad lifted the sheet and started running his hands over my abs. Then he drops (dropped – you’ve slipped into present tense here. Keep it all in the past, please!?) the sheet to the floor and started scooping up my cum. Then he put his fingers in his mouth and started sucking the cum from them. (Didn’t the son find this behaviour a trifle “odd”. Had he got any clue before from his oh so loving Father that he wanted to “get it on” with him? How did this make the son feel? Pull me into their heads, give me some emotion!) He moaned, "Mmm, tasty."

My father started kissing me on the cheeks and then his mouth came down on mine. He started kissing me with passion and we are (were – present tense again) sharing my cum, then my father starts (started – tense again) kissing (my) neck until he comes (approached – tense and word choice problems here) near my nipples and starts (started – tense, again) licking and biting them,(. He then) then brings (brought) his hands down to my dick and strokes (stroked) it slowly. Then he brings (brought) his mouth down and starts licking (started to lick) around the head of my cock and then he puts all my cock in this troat (throat – turn your spellchecker on, and get your “editor” to do the same thing) and starts sucking (started to suck) fast and I was close to cumming again. (What so soon? I mean, he’d orgasmed all of two minutes before this point. I don’t think I’ve ever known a man regain full hardness in that time, let alone be close to ejaculation again. You need to inject a hint of realism into this highly unbelievable story).

"Oh Dad...oh god that feels good! Keep sucking, oh yes Dad! You're going to make me cum!" (How is he feeling about his Dad bringing him off?)

"No, not yet son." Then my dad starts (started) licking my balls. He surprises me by putting a finger in my ass hole. (This Dad’s not shy, is he? The son was merely “surprised”. Is that all?)

I gasp (gasped), "Oh Dad! That feels so good. Keep doing that!"

"You like that son?"

"Oh yes!" I moan (moaned) loudly. Suddenly I need (needed) more. "Oh dad fuck me! I need that bigcock (big cock – two words) of yours." (Why did he suddenly need more? What was driving him to the height of passion? Was it the extreme eroticism of the moment?)

"Are you sure?" (Such a touching moment of loving concern from his Father)

"Oh yes, I want you to be my first!"

"Ok son, but this will hurt at first." (There it is again, this Father really loves this son) Then my dad started licking my hole so it would be wet and ready. (How did that feel to the son?) He kneels (knelt) between my legs, pushing my knees back to my chest to open my hole for him. (I’m having a problem envisioning the position here. He pushed his knees “back” to his chest? Impossible! “Up” to his chest, maybe) He starts (began to) entering (enter) me and I feel (felt) like I'm (I was) being ripped apart.

I whimper(ed), "Stop! Stop, it hurts!"

"Don't worry, Chris I will go slow." (Such loving concern) He watches (watched) me as he starts (started to go) going in slowly. "See son? Half of my cock is in already.” (How can he see? From what I can gather, he’s got his head shoved down somewhere near his knees.)

The pain slowly melted to pleasure and I moaned. "Oh Dad, it feels do (so) good. I'm close to cumming already! Fuck me Dad. I want it all! Fuck me hard." My dad then drives (drove) the rest of his big thick cock deep in my ass and starts (started to go) going faster.

He groans (groaned), staring deep into my eyes, "Oh yes! I love your tight hole son." (Yeah, I bet he does! And, again, how can he stare deep into his eyes. The son must ne a contortionist.)

"Oh yes, fuck me hard! Dad I love you. I'm cumming! Oh yes fuck me harder Dad!" My cum spurts (spurted) all over his chest and mine, (How? Oh! Is the son on his back? Please make this clear) then I feel (felt) his cock expand as he starts (started) cumming too. Spurt after spurt fills (filled) my hole with the same cum that created me. (What an interesting touch here. I guess you just thought the reader needed reminding of the fact this was a Father and a son. How could we forget?)

He collapses (collapsed) on top of me and I hug him tight. (Yep, got it now, the son is definitely on his back) "Oh Dad, I love you."

He smiles (smiled), kissing my mouth again, "From now on you sleep with me and we can make love whenever we want." (Blimey, this guy moves fast)

(You switch POV again here, very jarring and should not be done, especially in a first person story) My son smiles (smiled), "Dad I hope me and you will be together forever and I don't care what anyone says I love you with all my heart." (As he should, he is his son, after all. What, no doubts about sleeping with his Dad every night and letting him fuck him? No worries? Not even any mixed feelings?)

(Back to the POV of the son again) My dad then kisses (kissed) me goodnight, "Don't worry son, tomorrow we can make more love and (then) we can go camping next weekend. We can have fun fishing and camping and have more sex." (Camping, how apt. Isn’t this all moving a bit too fast for the son, though? I mean, what is going through his mind?)

I said, "Dad that will be fun, me and you will have a great time together. We can do things together." (What things? Like camping and fishing and sex, you mean? Oh, ok.)

My dad says (said), "What do you want to do tomorrow? Do you want to go and rent some movies we could watch, and then we could make love."

I said, "Sure Dad, maybe some action and maybe some porno movies. We could watch some man to man action sucking and fucking each other. That will make me hot, how about you, Dad?" (Doesn’t the Dad get annoyed at the son for constantly repeating everything he says?)

My dad says (said), "Sure son, that will be nice. How about we get some sleep tonight? Good night son." (That seemed a little short and sharp, considering the tender loving that had just gone on between them.)

(You’ve switched POV again.) My son then kisses (kissed) me good night and falls (fell) asleep. (What straight away? Are they still both in the son’s room? What happened there, did I miss something?) Me and my son will be a good father and son relationships (relationship) and maybe including others. (That’s a very, how shall I say it? “Unusual” take on what a good Father/son relationship is. And, including others? Man, this guy really does care for his son, doesn’t he?)

 

[Guest]

You're so cunning, Loulou .

Perdita (who lovvvvvves Baldrick)

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Superbly done Lou Lou.



-Colly

 

[bearlee]

Oh well, since I've had no response, here it is anyway (by popular demand, I hasten to add). I can always remove it, if I do get some kind of response. When I did it in Word, btw, all of the bracketed stuff was in red, as were quite a few full stops and commas, which I felt needed to be added. I just cannot be arsed to go through and put the colour tags around it all, I'd be here all night.

Anyway, I hope you find it useful, Juan, and it helps to further your "writting".

Lou

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally posted by juanjsojr
I'm not gay But lesbians are sick if I was a woman and rape I wouldn't waste my life changing from staright to lesbian I would stay sraight. it is better having a family then wasting my time liking another same sex lover
************************************

ROFLAMO Yeah, lesbians are just too much for me but a good father-son fuckfest, now that's a novel argument against gay sex being sick. They would have nice offspring though

Thanks for making my evening Lou and please don't go find one of my stories to play with Don't remove the post, I'm guessing I'll want to look at it again sometime, or is that some time-too late to go back and check-can't see back there anyway

 

[KenJames]

Oh well, since I've had no response, here it is anyway (by popular demand, I hasten to add). I can always remove it, if I do get some kind of response. When I did it in Word, btw, all of the bracketed stuff was in red, as were quite a few full stops and commas, which I felt needed to be added. I just cannot be arsed to go through and put the colour tags around it all, I'd be here all night.

Anyway, I hope you find it useful, Juan, and it helps to further your "writting".

Lou

Hi Lou,

". . . cannot be arsed . . ."? I've run into a lot of British expressions, but that's a new one for me. AH is so educational!

Your critique of Juan's story is right on. You've covered all the writing and structural problems and been very sweet about it, especially considering what a little prick Juan has been here.

You can review my stories any time you want.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I can feel the love.

Lou, your kindness toward helping the underdeveloped nation of Juan is worth a standing ovation. That was some damn fine editing.
At times it was like watching a tennis match for the blind. I laughed, I cried, I lost bladder control...
~A~

 

[bearlee]

I can feel the love.

Lou, your kindness toward helping the underdeveloped nation of Juan is worth a standing ovation. That was some damn fine editing.
At times it was like watching a tennis match for the blind. I laughed, I cried, I lost bladder control...
~A~

 

[lucky-E-leven]

I can feel the love.

Lou, your kindness toward helping the underdeveloped nation of Juan is worth a standing ovation. That was some damn fine editing.
At times it was like watching a tennis match for the blind. I laughed, I cried, I lost bladder control...
~A~

You're the best, A!

Killing me over here.



~lucky

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the comments on my crit, everyone. I was just doing a public service; I wonder if Juan appreciates it. I'm eagerly awaiting his response.

P. I knew you'd "get" it.

Colly, thanks. I'm gonna be really sick now, and blow you a kiss.

Bearlee: LOL! "Nice offspring!" Hahaha! Don't worry about me ever picking apart one of your stories, I couldn't if I tried. We all know they aren't in the same league as the talented (less) Juan.

Ken, yes, I thought I was very kind, too. I would go through it again and suggest how to completely re-write it, but guess what? Yep, I can't be arsed! Some things are beyond help anyway. It would be kinder to shoot it and put it out of its misery.

Abstruse, you are too funny! You've had me wetting myself here, and not only with what you've posted in public. Heeeheeeeee!!!

Oh bugger! I just realised a huge over-sight and error on my part...

When critiquing, it's always important to pick out the good points of a story, so as not to dishearten the writer. Ok, I'll have a quick look.

Right, ok... um... nope, can't find a thing... it's all crap!

Sorry Juan, I'd say don't give up, but, please do.

Lou

 

[KenJames]

Oh bugger! I just realised a huge over-sight and error on my part...

When critiquing, it's always important to pick out the good points of a story, so as not to dishearten the writer. Ok, I'll have a quick look.

Right, ok... um... nope, can't find a thing... it's all crap!

Sorry Juan, I'd say don't give up, but, please do.

Lou

I found one good thing about it . . . it's short.

Edited to add
Actually if Juan would get over his undeserved arrogance about his writing abilities and actually worked hard at the craft of writing, and if he wasn't such a gay homophobe, and if he's lose the attitude, and . . . never mind.

 

[Guest]

I found one good thing about it . . . it's short.

Edited to add
Actually if Juan would get over his undeserved arrogance about his writing abilities and actually worked hard at the craft of writing, and if he wasn't such a gay homophobe, and if he's lose the attitude, and . . . never mind.

HA!

Lou

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Thanks for the comments on my crit, everyone. I was just doing a public service; I wonder if Juan appreciates it. I'm eagerly awaiting his response.

P. I knew you'd "get" it.

Colly, thanks. I'm gonna be really sick now, and blow you a kiss.

Bearlee: LOL! "Nice offspring!" Hahaha! Don't worry about me ever picking apart one of your stories, I couldn't if I tried. We all know they aren't in the same league as the talented (less) Juan.

Ken, yes, I thought I was very kind, too. I would go through it again and suggest how to completely re-write it, but guess what? Yep, I can't be arsed! Some things are beyond help anyway. It would be kinder to shoot it and put it out of its misery.

Abstruse, you are too funny! You've had me wetting myself here, and not only with what you've posted in public. Heeeheeeeee!!!

Oh bugger! I just realised a huge over-sight and error on my part...

When critiquing, it's always important to pick out the good points of a story, so as not to dishearten the writer. Ok, I'll have a quick look.

Right, ok... um... nope, can't find a thing... it's all crap!

Sorry Juan, I'd say don't give up, but, please do.

Lou

Dearest Lou,

As long as you're handing out favors, I could use a hand with the recent flood of cock pic thread links, etc... in my PM mailbox these days. No, I don't want help critiquing the best. I don't want them there at all. I know where to look for nudie pics, if that's what I'm in the mood for. And for the record, photos of unknown male units are never what I'm in the mood for.

I guess you could help by letting me know if there is some sort of subliminal messaging within my posts that screams out "I WANT TO SEE YOUR COCK!" *Whispered here, for obvious reasons* If there is, please alert me of it...excluding this post, of course...and I'd be happy to make the necessary changes.

Thanks for your time. Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.

~lucky

p.s. Nice critique. Wanna give my next story a read? I like it rough, though.

 

[Guest]

Dearest Lou,

As long as you're handing out favors, I could use a hand with the recent flood of cock pic thread links, etc... in my PM mailbox these days. No, I don't want help critiquing the best. I don't want them there at all. I know where to look for nudie pics, if that's what I'm in the mood for. And for the record, photos of unknown male units are never what I'm in the mood for.

I guess you could help by letting me know if there is some sort of subliminal messaging within my posts that screams out "I WANT TO SEE YOUR COCK!" *Whispered here, for obvious reasons* If there is, please alert me of it...excluding this post, of course...and I'd be happy to make the necessary changes.

Thanks for your time. Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.

~lucky

p.s. Nice critique. Wanna give my next story a read? I like it rough, though.

I hear ya, Lucky! I, too, am sadly cursed with the "gotta get her horny, I know she'll wanna see another cock" brigade.

I ususally reply by directing them to my story, The Letting, you know the one where the vampiric woman viciously bites off those guys cocks, causing a slow, agonizing death.

Stick one of them in my face, this is what you get!!!

Of course, there are one or two exceptions.

The reason they do it? They see you and they start thinking with their small heads, they love the thought of you getting yourself off over a pic of their cock (as if!).

Actually, I have a story to tell about a guy that once sent me a cock pic, don't know if I have the time to tell it all now, though. It was almost two years ago, and he sent it via Hotmail email, which got hacked into, and I ended up being stalked, but that's a whole other matter.

I'll just say that the cock pic guy's wife wasn't too happy with him. No, I didn't "inform" her, my lovely, thoughtful stalker did (WANKER!). The stalker got sorted out in the end, too, btw. Adam and our friend, Graham, brought him down, as it were. I think he's still in rehab now.

*ahem*

Enough of that crap.

Lou

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Thanks for the comments on my crit, everyone. I was just doing a public service; I wonder if Juan appreciates it. I'm eagerly awaiting his response.

P. I knew you'd "get" it.

Colly, thanks. I'm gonna be really sick now, and blow you a kiss.

Bearlee: LOL! "Nice offspring!" Hahaha! Don't worry about me ever picking apart one of your stories, I couldn't if I tried. We all know they aren't in the same league as the talented (less) Juan.

Ken, yes, I thought I was very kind, too. I would go through it again and suggest how to completely re-write it, but guess what? Yep, I can't be arsed! Some things are beyond help anyway. It would be kinder to shoot it and put it out of its misery.

Abstruse, you are too funny! You've had me wetting myself here, and not only with what you've posted in public. Heeeheeeeee!!!

Oh bugger! I just realised a huge over-sight and error on my part...

When critiquing, it's always important to pick out the good points of a story, so as not to dishearten the writer. Ok, I'll have a quick look.

Right, ok... um... nope, can't find a thing... it's all crap!

Sorry Juan, I'd say don't give up, but, please do.

Lou

I'll be sick and plant one on you Lou

-Colly

 

[lucky-E-leven]

rehab?

SWEET

~lucky

 

[Guest]

rehab?

SWEET

~lucky

I'll just say, he never dared darken my life again.

Lou

 

[minsue]

Loulou, you're my hero.

- Mindy, highly amused

ps to ABSTRUSE: 'the underdeveloped nation of Juan'?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Loulou, you're my hero.

- Mindy, highly amused

ps to ABSTRUSE: 'the underdeveloped nation of Juan'?

Never heard of it love? The national flag is a pair of boxer briefs, the national anthem is "But My Heart Belongs to Daddy" and it's supported by NAMBLA.

 

[Guest]

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Donde' esta Juan?

 

[Guest]

Donde' esta Juan?

Él está ocultando en el armario.

Perdita

tr: He is hiding in the closet.