Hi, all! I've become quite discouraged by the fact that sometimes people can't even vote on my stories (Heck, sometimes it doesn't let me vote on others' stories either!). Clearly from the threads, this is an ongoing and possibly AOL-related problem. My new story has just gone up, though, and I have received several positive feedbacks (even though its a minimally rewritten story from twenty-two years ago!)and it occurred to me that what I really want is positive strokes. Even constructive criticism can be that so here's the link. Vote if you like it and if you can but please send or post feedback. I've only had a couple jerky responses in the past. For the most part, everyone has been so kind, thoughtful and intelligent. Thanks.Full Moon Fantasies part one
Vote if you can but FEEDBACK PLEASE!
- Thread starter Barnaby
- Start date
kristydoll
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2002
- Posts
- 205
positive stroke
I have a positive stroke for you *grins* - your story was a nice little read, with much opportunity for you to continue and develop it. I take it you are going this way by naming it "part one". I look forward to more.
I only have one offering of advice..."stay in one person's head". Either take his or her viewpoint - at least in the same paragraph. Otherwise, good work and keep writing.
kristy
I have a positive stroke for you *grins* - your story was a nice little read, with much opportunity for you to continue and develop it. I take it you are going this way by naming it "part one". I look forward to more.
I only have one offering of advice..."stay in one person's head". Either take his or her viewpoint - at least in the same paragraph. Otherwise, good work and keep writing.
kristy
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Hot!!
Lovely opening. I was smiling as I read it and it built up a lot of anticipation for more to come.
Nice phone conversation. *grinning*
It almost looked drunk.
I wish you hadn't repeated this and the word 'drunk' so much.
By this point, Doug couldn't help but believe that it was really happening as the physical evidence was right between her legs.
err... I think you mean right between his legs.
She rose off of his flesh...
Not good. Try saying it out loud...
Ok, I finished it. Definitely worth positive strokes.
Keep writing.
-DP.
Lovely opening. I was smiling as I read it and it built up a lot of anticipation for more to come.
Nice phone conversation. *grinning*
It almost looked drunk.
I wish you hadn't repeated this and the word 'drunk' so much.
By this point, Doug couldn't help but believe that it was really happening as the physical evidence was right between her legs.
err... I think you mean right between his legs.
She rose off of his flesh...
Not good. Try saying it out loud...
Ok, I finished it. Definitely worth positive strokes.
Keep writing.
-DP.
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Barnaby,
This was a fun read but did have a some problems.
"Be there in twenty minutes. You be out front."
--Does this mean something like, "I'll be at your place in twenty minutes. You be waiting out front."
Unfortunately, the only book she could find in the house that she hadn't read was ORGY GIRL, found under the bed in her teenage brother's room.
--Why "unfortunate?" Did she look someplace other than the house? "The only book she could FIND" she "FOUND under"
As her head continued spinning with pure lust,
--When did it begin to spin?
There are a few more errors which a good edit could catch, but here are a couple of thoughts about the story. 1. Why is a 21 year old still in braces? and 2. Where is the rest of her family while she's howling at the moon?
Nit-picks aside, it was a fast paced read which should quickly grab most readers attention.
Rumple Foreskin
This was a fun read but did have a some problems.
"Be there in twenty minutes. You be out front."
--Does this mean something like, "I'll be at your place in twenty minutes. You be waiting out front."
Unfortunately, the only book she could find in the house that she hadn't read was ORGY GIRL, found under the bed in her teenage brother's room.
--Why "unfortunate?" Did she look someplace other than the house? "The only book she could FIND" she "FOUND under"
As her head continued spinning with pure lust,
--When did it begin to spin?
There are a few more errors which a good edit could catch, but here are a couple of thoughts about the story. 1. Why is a 21 year old still in braces? and 2. Where is the rest of her family while she's howling at the moon?
Nit-picks aside, it was a fast paced read which should quickly grab most readers attention.
Rumple Foreskin
Last edited:
sirhugs
Riding to the Rescue
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2002
- Posts
- 40,372
The moon looked drunk
This immediately struck me as odd, cause I don't know what a drunk moon loks like Better, I think, if you had put the actual description first, then had Tracy say to herself " Old Man Moon looks drunk tonight. Boy, wish I was, I'm so bored with Stan out of town."
Or maybe have her say that on the phone to a gf, so tracy then can say " Stan's a great bf, but he's away so much....".
dialogue helps the 'show , don't tell' principle.
Twenty one year old Tracy lay on her bed
The mention of age seems forced her. I'm sure you could have left it till later. In the first introduction of the protagonist, tell what is most important. Her age is not it in this story.
licking savagely at invisible cocks dangling in the air
I think you mean imaginary cocks. Small detail , but important. This is her fantacizing, not sucking off ghosts.
dribbled like a basketball just above
I loved the first half of the image- its a term I've never heard before, but very descriptive. Unfortunately, dribbling happens from above, and her fingers are below.
I hate to quit in mid story, but real life is calling. If no one else picks this up, do you want more?
I think you use words well, but need to edit more, think like a reader, and spend more time on understanding your characters. You have real promise. Practice. Practice. Practice.
And if I seem harsh, reread kristy's mash note. She's a smart girl.
This immediately struck me as odd, cause I don't know what a drunk moon loks like Better, I think, if you had put the actual description first, then had Tracy say to herself " Old Man Moon looks drunk tonight. Boy, wish I was, I'm so bored with Stan out of town."
Or maybe have her say that on the phone to a gf, so tracy then can say " Stan's a great bf, but he's away so much....".
dialogue helps the 'show , don't tell' principle.
Twenty one year old Tracy lay on her bed
The mention of age seems forced her. I'm sure you could have left it till later. In the first introduction of the protagonist, tell what is most important. Her age is not it in this story.
licking savagely at invisible cocks dangling in the air
I think you mean imaginary cocks. Small detail , but important. This is her fantacizing, not sucking off ghosts.
dribbled like a basketball just above
I loved the first half of the image- its a term I've never heard before, but very descriptive. Unfortunately, dribbling happens from above, and her fingers are below.
I hate to quit in mid story, but real life is calling. If no one else picks this up, do you want more?
I think you use words well, but need to edit more, think like a reader, and spend more time on understanding your characters. You have real promise. Practice. Practice. Practice.
And if I seem harsh, reread kristy's mash note. She's a smart girl.
Thanks to all-Keep it coming
All constructive feedback makes me a better writer which is my goal in this. I disagree on a couple points but overall, I have to admit this one needed better editing. My only excuse is that real life has been difficult of late with deaths, illnesses and work problems. I should let my writing be an escape from that. Aside to Rumple: This story is based in part on an actual situation and the young lady in question really did have braces til age 23!
All constructive feedback makes me a better writer which is my goal in this. I disagree on a couple points but overall, I have to admit this one needed better editing. My only excuse is that real life has been difficult of late with deaths, illnesses and work problems. I should let my writing be an escape from that. Aside to Rumple: This story is based in part on an actual situation and the young lady in question really did have braces til age 23!
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
"Aside to Rumple: This story is based in part on an actual situation and the young lady in question really did have braces til age 23!"
Poor kid. The problem you face when translating a real life situation such as that into fiction is integrating it into to story and making it "believable". That something "really" happened or existed won't cut any ice with readers unless it fits into the story.
If you want to include that information about Tracy, then IMHO you should explain why this 21 year old is in braces. This can add to her personality (might add a new dimension to oral sex) and doesn't have to be long but since it's one of only two physical descriptions you give of the girl (I think) and is so unusual, you probably should explain the situation.
RF
Poor kid. The problem you face when translating a real life situation such as that into fiction is integrating it into to story and making it "believable". That something "really" happened or existed won't cut any ice with readers unless it fits into the story.
If you want to include that information about Tracy, then IMHO you should explain why this 21 year old is in braces. This can add to her personality (might add a new dimension to oral sex) and doesn't have to be long but since it's one of only two physical descriptions you give of the girl (I think) and is so unusual, you probably should explain the situation.
RF
