Virgin writer posting for the first time...

[SpicyPepper]

Hello,

I just posted my very first story and I was wondering if I could get some feedback.
It's a sci-fi, part non-consent including a satyr creature and a fairy!

Thanks!

This one's called, "Coming Home From Work"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=369786

SpicyPepper

 

[zotique]

Amazing

Wild!

I loved it.

Great writing and an unusual concept.

 

[ellynei]

Doesn't read like virgin writing.

It's great, loved it.

Sorry couldn't find any flaws to point out so no constructive criticism from my end on this one.

Make a second one, so I can try again

 

[tickledkitty]

This is good. Congratulations!

However, I did see some areas that could use a little polish. I know this might seem harsh, especially following the previous glowing reviews you've recieved, but you did ask. The thing is, it's good writing but has the potential to be really good writing.

The first thing I noticed about this was the lack of dialogue. I realize that John is alone, and the fairy and the faun don't really speak to him. The problem with this, though, is that you are "telling" and not "showing", and dialogue breaks up narrative, making the story more interesting. You could have added snippets of conversation where he's thinking about his girlfriend, and maybe even where he's thinking about the office girl. You did add a little bit of dialogue when he first meets the faun, which is good.

I notice that sometimes you use a lot of words when fewer would be more effective, and you also over-explain some things. I know others may disagree with me here, and that is fine. Example:

Her ass was so incredibly tight that he could see almost every muscle in it move as she strutted around the office. He considered himself a normal, hot-blooded male and wanted nothing more than to shove her up against his desk, grind his hard cock up against her ass and show her just what those see-through blouses made him want to do to her. He wanted to grab her by her thick, brown hair, yank her head back, reach around with his other hand and slip his fingers up her snug skirt until he could force them into her tight, wet pussy.

In the first sentence, I would say Her ass was so incredibly tight, he could see every muscle move as she strutted around the office. It flows easier, and you don't need to explain that you're still referring to her ass muscles because you've started the sentence talking about her ass. Does that make sense?

Also, I'd do away with this sentence: He wanted to grab her by her thick, brown hair, yank her head back, reach around with his other hand and slip his fingers up her snug skirt until he could force them into her tight, wet pussy. I think it's much more effective to just end that paragraph with him showing her what he wanted to do to her. We know what he wants to do. Let us imagine it for ourselves.

There are a number of other places like this. I just think the whole thing could flow better. I also noticed some mistakes and typos that distracted me from the story. Again, it's a good story, and it's well written, but I think it could be even better.

Another thing I noticed was some weird paragraphing. Some of them are longish, and I'd have split them into two or possibly three. Others are very short, and might be better combined with the paragraph preceding or following.

Do you have an editor? Even just having another writer look a piece over and make suggestions before submitting is very heplful. I know I'm always saying this, and people are probably tired of it, but I really can't stress the importance enough. It's difficult to see your own work for what it is because you are too familiar with it. My friends who read my stuff help me gain remarkable insight, and they have some really great ideas of their own.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck to you.

 

[zotique]

Tickled Kitty

Good points, I thought about the lack of dialogue too, but didn't mention it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Avoiding repeating things, can I say I completely agree with everything TK has said – especially the lack of dialogue. Also, from previous reviews I’ve read, ellynei is pretty good at calling good writing.

On TK’s great point of getting an editor/friends to beta read, I think you get the structure a bit lop sided.

The girlfriend and the secretary are bit characters that you give too much prominence to. Think of those TV series where the regulars and the guest stars get upfront billing and the others get listed after the show in the credits. The g/f and secretary are very peripheral.

Whilst needing to explain John’s frame of mind and sexual frustration, I think the first few paragraphs could be edited down. The scene in the woods needs expansion. Much more of why the faun is interested in John and why the fairy enjoys this kind of sex – unlike his tight-assed girlfriend.

You do write well and, as TK says, you can become even better. Just look at the rhythm of your plot, the crescendos and diminuendos. I was wanting so much more from the tantalizing sketch you drew of the John – fairy – faun triangle. That is your story. The rest is packaging.

Congrats, Elle

 

[SpicyPepper]

This is great, thank you.
TK and elfin_odalisque, I appreciate these comments/criticisms and I'll definitely use them later when I re-edit that story. It's true that the writer's work is always too close.
Zotique and ellynei, thank you for reading and enjoying!

SP

 

[sethp]

Hello,

I just posted my very first story and I was wondering if I could get some feedback.
It's a sci-fi, part non-consent including a satyr creature and a fairy!

Thanks!

This one's called, "Coming Home From Work"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=369786

SpicyPepper

very nice! thank you!

 

[alexxxis]

very good

I'm not much into sci-fi but I read through the story because you said you are new to Lit. I am too so it is reassuring to witness others taking the plunge. Keep up the good work.