Feedback Request for First Sci-fi Story

[DanDraper]

Hello everyone. I've written for a variety of other genres here, but I just published my first sci-fi story.
I would like to get some feedback about it and see if I should continue in this genre.

The story is called "For The Future" and the link is below. Thank you.


https://literotica.com/s/for-the-future



...

 

[DarkSollat]

Not bad, and well written. Sex scene is ok, a little short but I assume you wanted it this way.

The biggest downfall is the idea of time travel to collect sperm and rescue humanity. Seriously, that much is needed?

 

[Sammael Bard]

For a short story, it’s well-written and I couldn’t see any glaring grammatical errors. It could use a little polish here and there by an experienced eye but I’d say this is sufficient for Literotica.

As a Sci-fi erotic story though, it was somewhat lacking in eroticism. The sex felt short and mechanical - something that could be done away with and no one would notice. If I replaced the sex scene with just a few lines to imply that they already had sex, I don’t think anyone would miss it. That is bad for an erotic story.

There’s no chemistry, little to no build-up, no tension and no satisfying climax. This makes it severely lacking as an erotica. While the premise (time-travelling cum whores, as I like to call it) itself allows for a lot of raunchy sex scenarios, you didn’t utilise it very well. Your characters were telling and doing stuff - all of which did very little to set up the environment and stage for sex. It was a detailed backstory for the world but not much for setting up the tension or mood.

I’ve read erotica under 10k words where the premise was a married woman going into a mixed-bath and getting a rimjob by a complete stranger. There wasn’t any intercourse and it was probably the most erotic thing I’ve ever read! Just adding a sex scene does not make an erotica - if an erotic story is what you were aiming for.

As a Sci-fi nut, I understand the difficulties of incorporating erotica into Sci-fi stories but that difficulty is what makes this category challenging. It‘s a fine balance between delving too deep into the lore and creating the tension for eroticism.

I’d rate it a 3 star - Average read. I think this story is okay as a purely Sci-fi setup but is lacking as an erotica. With enough practice, I think you’ll be able to write an excellent piece which has the best of both Sci-fi and erotica.

 

[Feedback_please]

The actual sci-fi aspect was nicely done I felt, light with the right sprinkling of details helped it feel natural.
The sex itself felt quite cold, although I understand that it's part of the story for sex to be a purely functional action.

 

[Stimtheone]

Oh, how fun. Another guy trying the sci fi angle with a different premise. Let's see what I can consider for it...

There are a few narrative hiccups mostly in regards to existing science. There have been existing cases of fertilization done with other women, tricking the egg and bringing out babies with the father technically being another woman. It would have been worth at least a commentary. The other mounting issues started to be resolved as things went, but there are still a few gaps here and there.

Starting to see what some meant about my stories when they can't tell who is talking at what time without the occasional comment to declare the speaker. There is at time very little difference in the "feel" of the people talking that makes you wonder who is actually speaking. Even in the opening section there are times when one has to go back a few lines to realize who was talking.

There is a bit of repetition in the words used. Just a bit. I have seen worse. At times, a word was used far too often and either its repetition felt unneeded or it started to lose its value. As an example, the bit explaining the ethical means of "extraction" overuse both the word "force" and "ethical" that could have been replaced with "nonconsensually", "without consideration" and respectively "in good faith" and "humane".

Equally, repetition of pronouns. Even IF there are two partners of different genders that are involved in the scene, reading he and she constantly makes the words stop losing their meaning. "The woman", "Her partner", use the names. I find it a good idea to alternate between such things to keep the immersion through diversity. If you keep reading declared actions with just the same namings, the mind starts to just slip in attention.

The present sex scene had more quantity than quality. It takes up a lot of space while not communicating much, what could have been more significant events simply declared like we're commentating a match. Actually, trying to describe it AS if there were two sports commentators going on about their actions might make it far more interesting.

I would suggest engaging in foreshadowing rather than straight putting up a spotlight. When you declare what characters do ahead of time, when they do so again in the future it sort of loses its impact. Either one could declare ahead of time and then show that "this is that time I told you about earlier" with just a quick summary or explain on the spot what they were planning all along. Say you've got this detective doing an interrogation, with a nice profile ahead of time, he lays out what he'll do in advance... exactly how he plans to rile the suspect on to practically gloat about his crimes. Then he goes in the room and it goes exactly that way. A reader might feel like they could have skipped ten entire pages of dialogue if it basically had no development. You might expect the detective to be caught off guard as suddenly the man goes off script and he has to quickly improvise, showing a little mental search for what he could bring out to try and correct course.

In regards to the story flux, there is a lot of back and forth between history and present explaining things that are not necessarily needed in that moment to give context, which gives a sort of immersion whiplash as one has to sort of mentally switch scenes. I would recommend a much longer lingering on one scene unless something has to be explained, and even then give just a short notice rather than a biology lesson. It is far better later, but it has times when you feel like it's two lines with a good bit of waiting while you are barely given the prompt that you're supposed to turn to another screen.

Also, I can sure tell you are a baseball fan with such detailed descriptions of players, mottos, games and such even though they might not have much relevance to the story. I can understand an author having a bias, but in this case it felt unneeded. The future of humanity does not depend on a Giants game. Also, this is just me, but if a woman starting telling me accurate details of sports I'd start looking for an Adam's apple rather than falling for her.

But, to not sound like a stream of complaints, it does have value, a good idea, a good setting to explore, futures to consider and other such implications. There is a decent amount of consideration and consistence to not turn it into a bad story. Trust me, I have read stuff that it hurts to remember not because of the content, but how it was described. So you are at least decently average with potential to be above average. And yes, that is a compliment... so many are so below average that their works might count as torture instruments. So I would suggest you keep at it. You might no doubt get better.

 

[rutherford366]

Fun story, I'm surprised I missed this one. You described an interesting future scenario and good reason for why these missions were necessary. The sex scene was short, you could've added a little more detail., but it still worked. I liked the little twist about Eve's mission, didn't expect that.

 

[RoperTrace]

Hello everyone. I've written for a variety of other genres here, but I just published my first sci-fi story.
I would like to get some feedback about it and see if I should continue in this genre.

The story is called "For The Future" and the link is below. Thank you.


https://literotica.com/s/for-the-future



...

Even though I love Sci-Fi in films, I seldom read it. For a first Sci-Fi story, I thought it was good. The ending was a little surprising, and that's a good way to end it; not the usual 'everything goes to plan, and time to go home' scenario. I literally left the MC hanging at the end of a story and got a lot of flak for it.

 

[Wifetheif]

Not bad. But why don't they just transport back a half-dozen or a dozen women and set them up in a high-end brothel? Less danger of encountering a drugged-up or STD-laden random. You would think they would want quality sperm from healthy guys. Perhaps they take over a sorority on a college campus where the guys tend to be brainy and fit? They need sperm and lots of it two or three-woman teams, even if they fuck a dozen guys a night, aren't going to get more than a dozen loving spoonfuls. They would have better luck infiltrating a 20th-century sperm bank and absconding with a portion of its stock at regular intervals. To do this they may have to seduce a guard or the main fertility doctor, so there is your sex angle. The rate at which they are collecting sperm means that the human race is toast. These women need to think big.