Virgin territory

[TheLamb]

I wasn't really sure where to post this, some members reccomended here.

It's not really a "how to" question....more so an embarassing poll or something, lol.

So I'm nearly 23 (My birthday is in June) and I'm still (in my eyes, I guess) a virgin. Do you think that's too old? It's starting to bother me. It's not because I havn't had the oppertunity....and I'm a VERY sexual person....but as cliche as it sounds, it's always been important to me to wait until I'm in love. But I'm starting to feel like it's becoming a lost cause, as I'm a supreme asshole magnet. I don't want to be a 30 year old virgin by the time I fall in love. Lately all I want to do is go find some random and get it over with.

What do you think, is 23 starting to get pathetic or what?

 

[elib257]

It's certainly not pathetic! I don't think you're weird, in fact I think it's admirable.

As to whether you should just go out and get it over with I can't give you an answer. What I would say is don't do that unless you're sure because once it's gone it's gone. Don't allow feeling miserable to let you forget why you're doing it in the first place. But also remember that people and their opinions change, it might be that the reasons you decided to do it just aren't as important to you anymore and then you can do what you want to do. Essentially I'm saying just wait a while and see if it's a passing phase but if you do decide to get it over with it's not a failure and if you decide not to then you're not pathetic.

Hope that helps a little - but reading over it's probably just a restatement of what you've been thinking... oh well. Keep your chin up

 

[simplegirl]

Virginity is not an illness, nor anything to be ashamed of. It's certainly not pathetic. Kudos to you for respecting yourself enough to listen to your own wishes instead of society's/peers or whatnot.

 

[iluvyou3638]

Virginity is not an illness, nor anything to be ashamed of. It's certainly not pathetic. Kudos to you for respecting yourself enough to listen to your own wishes instead of society's/peers or whatnot.

*nods* i felt the same way you do. so i just went and fucked a guy i barely knew. turned out he had a girlfriend. i wish i had never met him. and now i'm having sex with someone i genuinely care about and i really wish i had waited.

 

[dirtycarol]

I admire you, you do what's right for you......You'll know when the time is right.

 

[HotBodyLover]

Same boat here, im 23 and still a virgin in the sence i havnt had sex, but enjoy masturbation tho.

Having sence of self respect is a good thing, i find myself being in the (un)lucky posistion of having more (hot may i add) female friends, unlucky for me they have boyfriends. However i seem to be attracting more "younger" female adoration now, they are arround the 17-19 Y/o mark, but they like me for my honesty and straight forwardness, that guys their age dont have. It may be a good thing to branch out and find some more "diffrent" friends that may be younger than you, that respect you that say people your age range, as i feel that are quite condasending at times.

Waiting for the right girl is a good thing, dont be ashamed to admit that and be proud of that as theres many guys and girls that just want to be first to everything, but that often screws their life up with a unwanted child or STD, just remember your own life goals and cuircumstances before you get ashamed, it may be fate that you meet the perfect lass tomorrow or next week.

And is a quality that women love and get driven wild by i have found as well, if youre willing to wait for them, they know you will be paitent in the bedroom when it comes to their needs.

 

[TheLamb]

I'm a girl actually But I really appreciate your response, along with everyone else.

My friends aren't judgmental, but they like to give me a hard time about it. I live in a small town, so word gets around. It seems that every guy I know is constantly looking at me like something to be conquested. I'm worried that when I find someone I care about enough to have sex with them, they'll either use it against me or think theres something wrong with me. (Like I said, asshole magnet.) It's not just the fact that I DO want to wait, but I also have a lot of trust/mental issues when it comes to the whole thing. When I was 17 I was "assulted" very badly (why I said I'm a virgin in MY eyes) and it left me fairly fucked up about the whole thing in general. It's just getting to the point where I want to say fuck it and just stop feeling like so much of a freak :S

 

[JackintheOCCA]

It worth the wait.

Hey Lamb,
I am in college and didn't have sex till i was almost 23 and I just wanted to get it over with. Furthermore it was with a girl i had been dating for few months but we weren't in love and honestly I wish I would have waited a little longer. So i am guessing your a girl and from a males perspective a girl who has little or no sexual partners for most men i would say is preferable if were interested in longterm relationships.

 

[RozieMozie]

i dont care what ppl say ... i remember 23 as being a hard age ... ur no longer a teenager, and havent been so for a few yrs ... this is about the time when u realize tht u can no longer hold onto ur teen yrs and have to start looking at urself as an adult ... it can be hard for some ppl ... this may be part of what u r feeling at this stage in ur life ... and virgins r typically thought as teenagers, not someone who is in their 20's

i think its amazing tht u've held onto what u believe in! ... kudos to u!!!! ... and there is nothing pathetic about it!!!!

u know ur virginity is something special to give to someone u find to be very special to u ... dont get it over with with some random person ... thy r not going to appreciate ur virginity like thy should ... wait ... wait for tht special someone thy will come, trust me!

good luck!

 

[SweetErika]

I'm a girl actually But I really appreciate your response, along with everyone else.

My friends aren't judgmental, but they like to give me a hard time about it. I live in a small town, so word gets around. It seems that every guy I know is constantly looking at me like something to be conquested. I'm worried that when I find someone I care about enough to have sex with them, they'll either use it against me or think theres something wrong with me. (Like I said, asshole magnet.) It's not just the fact that I DO want to wait, but I also have a lot of trust/mental issues when it comes to the whole thing. When I was 17 I was "assulted" very badly (why I said I'm a virgin in MY eyes) and it left me fairly fucked up about the whole thing in general. It's just getting to the point where I want to say fuck it and just stop feeling like so much of a freak :S

I'm so sorry you were harmed in that way. And I agree, it doesn't count as a sexual partner.

It sounds like you have a prime opportunity to work on healing and getting yourself in order right now. Go to http://www.rainn.org and find local professionals who specialize in assault in your area (you may have to make several calls, including to your local crisis center/line to get recommendations). Otherwise, this WILL impact the type of men you attract and your future relationships.

You're not an asshole magnet naturally, and you can change the type of men you go for. You have to deal with your wounds and issues first, though.

So, I'd say wait for sex until you're healthier and feel really good about it. It might be therapeutic to wait for a really nice guy who cares about you and will respect your boundaries at all costs. You don't want to establish a pattern of being used or getting into relationships with users/abusers or feeling bad about sex. You'll know when the time and person are right for you.

 

[TheLamb]

I'm so sorry you were harmed in that way. And I agree, it doesn't count as a sexual partner.

It sounds like you have a prime opportunity to work on healing and getting yourself in order right now. Go to http://www.rainn.org and find local professionals who specialize in assault in your area (you may have to make several calls, including to your local crisis center/line to get recommendations). Otherwise, this WILL impact the type of men you attract and your future relationships.

You're not an asshole magnet naturally, and you can change the type of men you go for. You have to deal with your wounds and issues first, though.

So, I'd say wait for sex until you're healthier and feel really good about it. It might be therapeutic to wait for a really nice guy who cares about you and will respect your boundaries at all costs. You don't want to establish a pattern of being used or getting into relationships with users/abusers or feeling bad about sex. You'll know when the time and person are right for you.

I appreciate your comment alot, you're a very sweet person.

That being said, it was nearly 6 years ago. Though something like that will always leave a rough emotional scar, I have healed. I mentioned that in the sense of.....well, just because it's that much MORE important to me to wait for somebody. When I do end up having sex, I want it to be just that, I don't want to trigger and bad thoughts or feelings about the situation. Trust is very important. I DO go for nice guys, I don't actively seek out "bad boys" or what have you....But it always seems to end that way. At first he is the sweetest guy in the world, and as I dig deeper I come to realize thats not the case. Though I do tend to find myself with the "wounded" type....maybe I can relate better, I don't know. But I think for the most part I'm healed and healthy.

 

[VintagePearls]

That's awesome!

It's great that you've waited. I wanted to, but got drunk and did it anyways, and now I regret it. Wait 'til you find the right person, and have fun!

P.S. It's hard to find your 'Edward', not every man is soo perfect!

 

[breezyblue]

I just want to say that im so sorry about what happened to you. I too have a horribly traumatic event that occurred to me when i was ten (im 20 now) and as much as i thought that i had "gotten over" it I really hadn't and i am dealing with security and self esteem among other issues even now a decade later. I waited for a person that i was in love with and it was wonderful and we are still together but it sometimes makes it really hard for me to be open to him emotionally during anything sexually oriented. It may be that i am more hung up on what happened and am letting it effect me more than you are but i would be really sure that you are healed completely before you pass it off as being in the past. Is it possible do you think that you may be sub consciously distancing yourself from people that you may otherwise have opened up to? I think it is admirable that you have respected yourself enough to wait for someone you are in love with to have sex. And no not pathetic at all of course.

 

[TheLamb]

It's great that you've waited. I wanted to, but got drunk and did it anyways, and now I regret it. Wait 'til you find the right person, and have fun!

P.S. It's hard to find your 'Edward', not every man is soo perfect!

lmfao KEEP THAT ON THE DL? Bloody friends getting me into terrible literature.

 

[VintagePearls]

M'kay, but I'm obsessed. Stephenie Meyer is my idol, we've met, and talked, and she's amazing...

 

[TheLamb]

I just want to say that im so sorry about what happened to you. I too have a horribly traumatic event that occurred to me when i was ten (im 20 now) and as much as i thought that i had "gotten over" it I really hadn't and i am dealing with security and self esteem among other issues even now a decade later. I waited for a person that i was in love with and it was wonderful and we are still together but it sometimes makes it really hard for me to be open to him emotionally during anything sexually oriented. It may be that i am more hung up on what happened and am letting it effect me more than you are but i would be really sure that you are healed completely before you pass it off as being in the past. Is it possible do you think that you may be sub consciously distancing yourself from people that you may otherwise have opened up to? I think it is admirable that you have respected yourself enough to wait for someone you are in love with to have sex. And no not pathetic at all of course.

I'm so sorry. I really am People deal with things in different ways, I guess. Sometimes it effects me in different aspects of my life, but not in the way you'd think. I don't at all distance myself, if anything I put myself out there TOO much. I become a little too dependant, and that's something I have to work on. I don't really know how to explain it....I don't like being touched (in any way) by strangers, I get terrible social anxiety, I don't really "date".....but when I'm with someone, I get TOO clingy. I want to touch all the time, and fool around, and I end up consuming myself.....It's strange. It's also not healthy when it's encouraged. I've come to find that men are all way too happy to play the hero, the "fixer". Every time I start a relationship I feel like some sort of "project"

Just have to find the right guy!

ANYWAYS, this is turning into an emo thread....lets go back to making fun of the virgin!

 

[TheLamb]

M'kay, but I'm obsessed. Stephenie Meyer is my idol, we've met, and talked, and she's amazing...

Honestly, from a writers perspective, I don't think she's that great.....but she IS a wonderful storyteller. I don't like "romance novels" and I don't like any kind of sci fi or anything.....and my friend gave me the bloody book and forced me to read and within a week I'd read all 3. The obsessive "fandom" that comes along with those books is IN-SANE.

 

[bailadora]

First, I've very sorry to read about what happened to you and I am very glad that you have had the chance to heal.

I don't want to be a 30 year old virgin by the time I fall in love. Lately all I want to do is go find some random and get it over with.

My response to the above statement is this: Sex is what we make of it. If you treat it as special, then it will be. If you don't, then it won't be.

I remember reading this somewhere else on Lit and I can't remember who I'm quoting here, but that just seems to have stuck with me. Anyway, I think we all deserve to have our first time happen with someone who truly cares for us. I think you are wise in being so choosy.

Regarding the asshole magnet thing: sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming . Best of luck to you.

 

[emap]

You will want to wait until you find someone you love for sex. I took a different approach to finding the right guy for me, I slept with most anyone. Now I am not going to say I regret the sex, for the most part that was great, because I wanted it. I do regret the men I got with in my search, there were alot, and alot of roommates, best friends and neighbors that convinced me to have sex with them.

I loved the sex I was getting, the relationships not so much, most did not last more than 6 months. I had periods of not seeing anyone, not having sex until I just could not wait anymore and went to have sex, sometimes I was with him for more than the one night, usually, he had a relationship already or didn't stay the night. I also moved around, not because the towns sucked or were to small, because word got around and all I was seeing were men who wanted a girlfriend on the sly or easy sex.

That is the avenue of just going out looking for sex. I don't recommend it, if I had the whole thing to do over again, I would not find boyfriends in a bar, I would not just have sex for sex, and I would say no alot more often. I am one of the incredibly lucky ones I did not catch anything not cureable, I do not have children from all those men. Well OK that part I am wishing I had one or two, well the option of it anyway.

It is much better to wait until you find the right person, doesn't have to be a ring on the finger, just the right person. Let me tell you, there are alot of guys who are good at being mr right now, the mr right forever, not so easy to find. Especially in your situation, small towns don't help much with mr right forevers, there is usually only one per woman. You rather need to do the online dating route, or move. Online dating actually is kinda preferable I think, you can find the guys who are intelligent, not just looking for sex, and will like you for you. Hard to find that when your going out to places with them, generally they will as you know, put the best foot forward until you let them in then regular foot shoves itself up your butt.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

I'm so sorry you were harmed in that way. And I agree, it doesn't count as a sexual partner.

You're not an asshole magnet naturally, and you can change the type of men you go for. You have to deal with your wounds and issues first, though.

So, I'd say wait for sex until you're healthier and feel really good about it. It might be therapeutic to wait for a really nice guy who cares about you and will respect your boundaries at all costs. You don't want to establish a pattern of being used or getting into relationships with users/abusers or feeling bad about sex. You'll know when the time and person are right for you.

i agree with Erika on this one. I lost my virginity when i was 17, got used / abused n left for dead - the only good thing that came out of it was my kid.
and since then all i've had were bad relationships where i was unappreciated and used. I wish i would have waited - waiting would have saved me a lot of trouble. I also agree that you should contact one of the help lines in your area to help you 'get over' the harrassment you've suffered. Its one thing i'm still doing and its actually making me realize a lot of things. Be proud to be a virgin, if i were you - i would be.
I hope you figure things out and i wish ya luck.

ASG

 

[TheLamb]

Thank you guys, you're all very sweet and wise <3

 

[TypicalDeviant]

I'm 24 (male) and still a virgin. How much it bothers me changes with the winds. I've been dating the same girl for almost 6 years now. She wants to want so I get to wait, know what I mean?

I have a lot of respect for my girlfriend for sticking to her guns, especially at the beginning of our relationship, before I learned how stubborn she was (haha). We'll have sex when we get married and I know our patience in this matter will make it very special for us.

In the meantime, we've learned a lot about each other and we've become very creative; you'd have to to have a healthy sex life for 6 years while not having intercourse. If anything, the waiting has made us stronger and made my happy that I didn't take any of the opportunities I had before meeting her.

I'm glad to see that you're such a strong person and I respect you for not throwing away your first time. I think it will be very fulfilling and emotional when you finally find the right guy. Good luck!

 

[TheLamb]

awwww SEE! all the good guys are taken!

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Would it be rubbing salt in your wounds to say I live NEAR Canada and love Hockey?

But seriously, I know quite a few good guys who're still virgins, so I'm sure there are more near you.

/As something to think about, I almost had sex with a girl who DEFINITELY was not a virgin. We got along well and I would have been happy for her to be my first, but there was a nagging feeling that I should wait. Turns out the relationship didn't last too long and I made a good choice. Point is, you don't have to find a virgin to find the right guy.

 

[TheLamb]

I'm not looking for a virgin. I'm just looking for a guy. I don't care about his past.

Also, I hate hockey.