RandyD1369
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I finally did it, posted my first story on Lit. A Idol Hour is in Erotic Horror. Any and all comments would be appreciated. Thanks.
Randy
Randy
Virgin, no more! An Idol Hour is posted. Comments please.
- Thread starter RandyD1369
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ElectricBlue
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SyleusSnow
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I liked it. Great premise. Very creative. You describe smell and touch and other senses which writers often ignore.
However, some descriptions of the shop and atmosphere are a little turgid. The descriptions when the action gets going are better. You could also leave out the detailed description of the magic system by the shop owner... kills the pace just when it should get going, IMHO.
I appreciate the guy worries about being turned into a rapist. Overall more inner dialogue to give us more about what the guy is feeling and play up the stakes (e.g. he's not rich and has to sell something dear to raise the money)
The sex with the idols was a fun addition and well described. Maybe add more inner dialogue to give insight into how the guy is feeling... his fears about being ripped off, of using magic, revulsion when he realizes the girl was really the old woman, etc.
Just my opinions from a quick read. Congrats on posting your first story.
However, some descriptions of the shop and atmosphere are a little turgid. The descriptions when the action gets going are better. You could also leave out the detailed description of the magic system by the shop owner... kills the pace just when it should get going, IMHO.
I appreciate the guy worries about being turned into a rapist. Overall more inner dialogue to give us more about what the guy is feeling and play up the stakes (e.g. he's not rich and has to sell something dear to raise the money)
The sex with the idols was a fun addition and well described. Maybe add more inner dialogue to give insight into how the guy is feeling... his fears about being ripped off, of using magic, revulsion when he realizes the girl was really the old woman, etc.
Just my opinions from a quick read. Congrats on posting your first story.
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RandyD1369
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Thanks, electricblue and SyleusSnow. I really appreciate that you took the time to post these comments. I'll try to learn from them and apply them.
RandyD1369
See the story at https://www.literotica.com/s/an-idol-hour
RandyD1369
See the story at https://www.literotica.com/s/an-idol-hour
LesDesirable
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- Jul 4, 2019
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Some Good, some Not quite as good:
The opening paragraph does not reach out and grab the reader. In fact it is probably the weakest paragraph in the story. I would find a way to combine and clarify the first three paragraphs in order to make the new shoppe somewhat eerily inviting.
The period of browsing was OK but rushed in order to get to the introductions. The description of the shopkeep was somewhat weird and could have been better. Going from a barely seen woman in shadow to fear like a viper in only a glimpse is a bit much. Build on her if you want fear to be more than a word in a story.
I began to be somewhat unpleasantly reminded of "Needful Things" when she began her sales pitch about "what will make you happy", and was at least glad when it only went a short distance in that direction.
The story line was good, interesting, and fast to read. The ending was kind of meh, expected but without (for me) sufficient buildup to make the ending appear either horrible or mysterious.
The writing is very basic at times, but you kept errors to a minimum and kept the flow moving. The start into his senses and his feelings was refreshing but you cut it short and did not keep going on the sensual to gain the effect you could have.
A nice effort.
The opening paragraph does not reach out and grab the reader. In fact it is probably the weakest paragraph in the story. I would find a way to combine and clarify the first three paragraphs in order to make the new shoppe somewhat eerily inviting.
The period of browsing was OK but rushed in order to get to the introductions. The description of the shopkeep was somewhat weird and could have been better. Going from a barely seen woman in shadow to fear like a viper in only a glimpse is a bit much. Build on her if you want fear to be more than a word in a story.
I began to be somewhat unpleasantly reminded of "Needful Things" when she began her sales pitch about "what will make you happy", and was at least glad when it only went a short distance in that direction.
The story line was good, interesting, and fast to read. The ending was kind of meh, expected but without (for me) sufficient buildup to make the ending appear either horrible or mysterious.
The writing is very basic at times, but you kept errors to a minimum and kept the flow moving. The start into his senses and his feelings was refreshing but you cut it short and did not keep going on the sensual to gain the effect you could have.
A nice effort.
Last edited:
RandyD1369
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Thanks, LesDesirable. It was kind of you to devote the time to send this. I'll work on those things for whatever my next effort turns out to be.
RandyD1369
RandyD1369
gordo12
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I thought it was damn good for a first. The first few paragraphs could have been combined and rewritten for a stronger opening.
The description of the changes in the shop was great, but where was his sense of WTF? How could you go from pizza to a sense of really ancient in three weeks? He was too blasé about his acceptance and I think that would have strengthened the opening. I'm thinking more like the writing that went into his reaction to the old woman. That was well done.
Overall it pulled me in. I wasn't even paying attention to any spelling or other mistakes. That's rare for me. It's always good when a reader gets lost in the story.
Congrats, I'd like to see more like it.
The description of the changes in the shop was great, but where was his sense of WTF? How could you go from pizza to a sense of really ancient in three weeks? He was too blasé about his acceptance and I think that would have strengthened the opening. I'm thinking more like the writing that went into his reaction to the old woman. That was well done.
Overall it pulled me in. I wasn't even paying attention to any spelling or other mistakes. That's rare for me. It's always good when a reader gets lost in the story.
Congrats, I'd like to see more like it.
RandyD1369
Experienced
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Thanks, gordo. I appreciate your kind words.
The simple truth is I'm shocked that this many people have made the effort to give me some useful feedback.
RandyD1369
https://www.literotica.com/s/an-idol-hour
The simple truth is I'm shocked that this many people have made the effort to give me some useful feedback.
RandyD1369
https://www.literotica.com/s/an-idol-hour
gordo12
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