Vanilla relationship

[Meshan]

Straight off the bat I want to say I'm here trying to understand my partner. I'm not in the scene and could probably be best described as vanilla.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for a while now and to be honest I am crazy about her. She is everything I've always wanted. From day one she told me she was a domme and to be honest it was part of the early attraction. She has always been honest with me and and said I could ask her anything, which I have and have learnt quite a lot about her motivations. She likes the power play but on occasion she also like a beating and tells me some of the more extreme things she has let others do.

When we first started dating, and as things got more serious, she took a step away from the scene as she wanted to build our relationship and then show me what happened at a club night when I was more comfortable with the idea. (this hasn't happened yet but will). The idea was she would not partake in the play and show me the ropes before stepping back in. This is why I love her.

We have talked about boundries and have settled on her being the domme at play events and never any sex except with me and no private domme/sub relationships. I think I'm cool with this.

The sex is great and varied and it's nice to tell her the things I've always wanted to do. She has always said from the outset that she doesn't want a subbie relationship away from the play and to be honest I don't think I could be that person. She has said she would like to show me a few things she would like me to do to her, and of course I am a willing partner. The issue comes from the fact I know this isn't my kink. I will never enjoy on a deep level hitting or caining her etc. My biggest fear is she will want something that I can't provide.

We do talk and and she addresses my fears and this makes me want her more.

My trouble is I have spent the day trying to understand her better by reading forums and this has made it worse. The general oppinion, as far as I can see, is the kink comes first.

I suppose I'm just trying to clarify in my head that we have a future.

So my question is; in your experiance can a kinky/vanilla relationship work?

A happy Brit who posted on a US site so the lady doesn't find out.

 

[CutieMouse]

Does kink come first? Eeeehhhhhh... meh.

I consider myself "integrated" - meaning, I am confidant about who I am (submissive), but don't *need* all the stuff 99% of the worlds associates with BDSM. I get involved with lovers because of who they are first; the kink stuff happens pretty organically. I always start out friends prior to becoming lovers, and the sorts of people I'm friends with aren't the sort of people who would dislike my flavor of life. Make sense? Or did I just confuse you more? LOL

My current lover told me a lot of women assumed he wasn't dominant enough (based on his looks/demeanor); he's quite dominant enough for me. If your lover says it's all good - trust her.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The people who post here are here because of their kinks, It shouldn't be too surprising that for some of them the kink comes first.

As Cutie Mouse says, trust your lady. Don't read these forums to find answers to YOUR relationship. Don't freak out about not enjoying caning her-- you haven't done it yet. You might find that there's more connection in the act than you ever imagined.

 

[CurvAppeal]

To me, the first thing that comes first is the trust and honesty before the kink. In order for me to let someone Dominate or control me, I better have a good to almost a full sense of trust for that person.

She seems like a great, trustworthy and honest girl. She respects your boundaries, cares enough to talk about them. Instead of looking at threads or posts to get an idea of what this lifestyle is about, try and find someone who is very experienced and ask them a few questions. Although what may work for them might not work for you, any insight from an experience sub/dom sub/domme will be very helpful. =) That's what I did!

Good and best luck to you.

 

[Kikori]

As Cutie Mouse says, trust your lady. Don't read these forums to find answers to YOUR relationship.

Quoted from both, if you go by the experiences of what other men want or have had from Dommes, or by what some Dommes want out of their submissives, you're forgetting the fact that your lady =/= the common opinion of the stuff you read. She may like, do, or think about similar experiences to what you've read, but the fact is you should still bring it up with her.

Also, vanilla/kink should be more than possible as long as her desires to practice her ways aren't an absolute need, a craving that she'll be incomplete without fulfilling. Granted it'll still come with a little give on one of your parts for how to deal with the urges.

 

[Cattypuss]

I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man who doesn't have a dominant bone in his body (I crave domination in the bedroom).

Why am I still with him? Cos I love the bones of him, cos the sex is amazing, and because he's my best friend.

Do I crave the domination I don't get? Too fucking right I do - sometimes a craving so strong I can't describe it.

Does that make me wish he was different? Absolutely not - if he was different in any way he wouldn't be the man I love.

Does that make me want to cheat on him? Absolutely not. I love him and we have frequent and amazing sex.

Just a word though - I'm British too and lookee - I'm here on this American forum. Don't assume that your girl won't come here just cos it's not a British forum.

 

[Meshan]

Gosh, you all seem so nice.

She is a great girl. I suppose all I'm looking for is reasurance that this is going to work. I have nothing in my past to comapre this relationship to as I have never even been close to a girl with a kink. I am willing to learn and she has said she would like to show me.

Maybe it's just early day jitters but I want this to work out.

Thanks for the advise

M

 

[CurvAppeal]

Gosh, you all seem so nice.

She is a great girl. I suppose all I'm looking for is reasurance that this is going to work. I have nothing in my past to comapre this relationship to as I have never even been close to a girl with a kink. I am willing to learn and she has said she would like to show me.

Maybe it's just early day jitters but I want this to work out.

Thanks for the advise

M

The only way you know it is going to work is if you communicate and just try it, you probably will end up liking it. If not, then hey, nothing wrong with that.

 

[SheWolfe07]

Straight off the bat I want to say I'm here trying to understand my partner. I'm not in the scene and could probably be best described as vanilla.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for a while now and to be honest I am crazy about her. She is everything I've always wanted. From day one she told me she was a domme and to be honest it was part of the early attraction. She has always been honest with me and and said I could ask her anything, which I have and have learnt quite a lot about her motivations. She likes the power play but on occasion she also like a beating and tells me some of the more extreme things she has let others do.

When we first started dating, and as things got more serious, she took a step away from the scene as she wanted to build our relationship and then show me what happened at a club night when I was more comfortable with the idea. (this hasn't happened yet but will). The idea was she would not partake in the play and show me the ropes before stepping back in. This is why I love her.

We have talked about boundries and have settled on her being the domme at play events and never any sex except with me and no private domme/sub relationships. I think I'm cool with this.

The sex is great and varied and it's nice to tell her the things I've always wanted to do. She has always said from the outset that she doesn't want a subbie relationship away from the play and to be honest I don't think I could be that person. She has said she would like to show me a few things she would like me to do to her, and of course I am a willing partner. The issue comes from the fact I know this isn't my kink. I will never enjoy on a deep level hitting or caining her etc. My biggest fear is she will want something that I can't provide.

We do talk and and she addresses my fears and this makes me want her more.

My trouble is I have spent the day trying to understand her better by reading forums and this has made it worse. The general oppinion, as far as I can see, is the kink comes first.

I suppose I'm just trying to clarify in my head that we have a future.

So my question is; in your experiance can a kinky/vanilla relationship work?

A happy Brit who posted on a US site so the lady doesn't find out.

Really, the impressions I've gained from what you said, tell me that you're in for a very long term relationship with this lady...

..and the reason is, quite simply, because you care enough to roll up your sleeves and at least try to get into the psychology of it; to learn as much as you can. Why, I can practically hear billions of vanilla ass cheeks clench up tighter than a fish's...well....at the mere thought of being so open-minded!

You both obviously love each other enough to communicate honestly with each other. You're streets ahead, Meshan.

Best of luck