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Vampire D's Message Room

VampireD said:
:rose: Thank you WW, that means alot; I know everyone out there has some sort of dark side in them..I was just tired of holding it all in and making other people wonder "What the fuck is Vamps problem today?" lol but yea it kinda made me feel better that most of it is out in the open..

For the past 5yrs or so me and my family have not been close at all, due to the fact that I lost my daughter and the 4 funerals in the past 2yrs.. I have become very distant and not wanting to rely on them or them to rely on me. The last Christmas I went to the family dinner, and it was my x gf who picked up the phone and said we were invited; I was almost shocked that she said yes and agreed that we would go because I was more close with her family then I was with mine; We went and my parents gave me a big hug, its like they don't know how hard it is for me as well to miss the ones I love as well, but I don't seem to show it much. My x gf tried to keep me in touch with my family as much as she could, and for that I thank her. Because now I really want to see them before I see them in a box.. I have spent some weekends with them and as of this weekend we are having a big Thanksgiving get together, where I get to see my nephew again, he's such a porker, LOL, but yea I really want to make some changes in my life and maybe get it back on track.

Thank you again, and if your still watching my thread, Thank you for all your help, you know who you are..:)
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Any time honey... Help is just an IM away ;)
 
VampireD said:
:rose:
As I think about the world today and where things have gone and how some choices I've made were wither for the best or perhaps made foolishly...

I think I can honestly go back to when I was born to 6 months that my life wasn't meant to be.. I think God wanted me to come early, but I lived. I came out as a "Blue Boy" which means arteries in my heart were crossed and I had to undergo surgery very soon or I would die. At 6 months I went for surgery and was classified as Dead for 45min...I came thorough, but this heart condition has cursed me for the rest of my life.

At age 12/13 I practically had to grow up on my own because my brother was taken away from me; He was taken by foster parents which in turn put me in charge, and growing up in a small town of no more than 10 kids.. I was the oldest.. I felt almost responsible at that age to help my friends and who ever else came in... I started working, and mostly had a job every season so money for me was never an issue, nor was asking my family for handouts. I was on my own at a young age because I felt alone, I felt lost, but I knew that all this work would someday pay off.

When I was fifteen my goals turned to the military and wanting to become a soldier; I was training everyday, strenght and endurance were my goals and becoming the best I could be..I remember somedays coming home from a workout and finding my mom on the couch crying because she couldn't understand why or how I made this decision, to be honest, I don't even know I wanted it..It was just something inside that I felt I had to do..I kept telling her "No matter what happens, I'll be coming home" so I hugged her everyday. So the final day came, my scores on my physical record were unbelievable for my age and comparing to Cadets; I could out run, out do them in almost every test.But the only thing that held me back was when born because of the open heart surgery, I was mad and furious and knew if I ever wanted to have a dream in sports/military/RCMP it would never happen, because of this. My whole world came crashing down in that instant. In due time I made the best out of it and found a job and so on..

I started my work/career at Co-oP in the lumberyard for 2.5yrs I worked my butt off to make enz meat. For a shitty wage of 7.50 an hour was pathetic I hated the pay but the work wasn't bad. This is where I met my x-fiance... We spent about just a yr and a half together. Coming up on our year anniversary she was pregnant, and this brought such a happiness to me that I knew I would be happy and continue to be with her. My daughter was born 2 months early, Christina Marie Peterson; she weighed 4lbs 5oz.. so tiny so cute...and when I saw her for the first time I cried..I held her and felt a warm lovable feeling inside for her. Before she was born, she has 3 sists in her brain which means she has C.B, caulky, and left side paralyzed...which made it worse she stopped breathing 3 times in the hospital. I blamed God for everything, he tried to take me at such a young age, but now he tried to take my daughter; I hate him...Take me, not her...

Christina and the mom came home a month later, at about the beginning of Febuary, I have never worked so hard in my life; I had my day job but we agreed to take turns in feeding and everything. I remember always having the night shifts of feeding. mostly at 10:30 and 2:30 or 3.... to me it was my bonding time with her because I had to work during the day. My x fiance was a good mom; we had a 7yr old with us as well (Elisa) who liked to help out as well which was nice, and I felt like the world was coming together the way it should.

In March I was fired from my job and right there and then things started going downhill..The day before my birthday I was coming home a day early from the rigs to surprise my xfiance.. it was 1:00a.m. Walking in this moment is an image I'll never forget.. she was cheating me..in our house, in our bed... I can't exactly remember what I was thinking then besides beating the shit outta the guy and throwing him off my deck.. I came back inside cracked a beer..and slammed it down. Looked at her...shoke my head and walked out.. I went out hardcore..I was mad, furious, and sooo hurt.. We had a family going and she choose to fuck it up. We tried working things out after that for the kids sake, but the only thing in my head was when or why should I trust her, once a cheater always a cheater....I went to counsilling, we went to group meetings but none of it helped.. I didn't want to be with her, I just wanted to be there for the kids. Take them to the park and be there for both. I was paying child support and living up to my terms all the time, its just when she used them as a pawn it really bugged me. Years passed and she started dating someone else.. since then I have never beeen able to see my daughter again...She asked me to not pay her anymore or if I see her or the kids she would for sure go to the cops..So much pain...so much sorrow.. I loved her and the kids soo much..to have them taken away.. my life was over.. I attempted suicide a couple times..I remember standing above a train bridge and seeing people on the bridge a few hundred meters stopping or slowing down... All I had to do is jump and everything would be over... To this day I don't know why I didn't.. It was a friend I think who made me not do that; he already had a friend blow his brains out with a 12gauge.. and to hear the news of my suicide would destroy him.

This is my life, and I know there is alot more to tell, but I won't get into that cause I know she knows...but like I said, since my birth I have been cursed, since my birth I was sent her for a reason, but haven't found it yet. Is it to help? or is it to live in pain?

So now you all know, why I'm happy and cheerful oneday and pissed off to the extreme to bite someone's head off the next. Nothing personal, just I find it really harder now to trust anyone..sounds harsh but its just the way I choose to live now.
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Thanks for sharing your life with us vamp, albeit a snapshot, but nevertheless a very eyeopening snapshot of what you have gone through and continue to struggle through.. :kiss:

I'm around, when and if you need me..you know that. :rose:
 
Hi ya Vamp. Hope all is well with you this evening. It sounds like you haven't had an easy life and have had a lot of struggles to get where you are. But you should be proud of how you've overcome them. You have family that love you and friends that support you. It is so much more then a lot of others have.

Good luck to you hon.
 
shadowdame said:
Hi ya Vamp. Hope all is well with you this evening. It sounds like you haven't had an easy life and have had a lot of struggles to get where you are. But you should be proud of how you've overcome them. You have family that love you and friends that support you. It is so much more then a lot of others have.

Good luck to you hon.
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Thank you Shadow, your kindess is much appreciated. Somedays I question if my friends are my friends or just leaches.. since I've moved to a different town I've only met up with a few..I need more than a phone call.. Needs to be like the good old days. I am proud of what I have become, and where I want to go. I just need to work my butt of and save for school. But I do like the fact that me and my family are gettin on good terms again.

So what are you doing this weekend? are you canadian? Thanksgiving?
 
VampireD said:
Thank you Shadow, your kindess is much appreciated. Somedays I question if my friends are my friends or just leaches.. since I've moved to a different town I've only met up with a few..I need more than a phone call.. Needs to be like the good old days. I am proud of what I have become, and where I want to go. I just need to work my butt of and save for school. But I do like the fact that me and my family are gettin on good terms again.

So what are you doing this weekend? are you canadian? Thanksgiving?
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I am going to do as little as possible this weekend. I have had a very long couple of weeks and I'm exhausted. I will do only what needs to be done and that's about all I think. I have a 3 day weekend this week and I plan on relaxing. I'm from the US, Thanksgiving isn't for another month and a half for us. We do have Columbus Day on Monday though, hence my 3 day weekend.

I'm glad to hear you are doing better. Family is important, it's great that you are getting on good terms with them. You should also think about finding out what you can do so that you can see your daughter, your ex shouldn't be allowed to keep her from you. Even if it is only supervised visitation at first, it will be better then not seeing her at all.

If you ever need to vent my new friend, just give a hollar. I have large shoulders that have managed many a vent or tear.

Have a great holiday Vamp. *hugs*
 
VampireD said:
Your mom is scary but you don't see me posting bout her now do ya?
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Vamp, you said you wouldn't talk about my momma anymore..am i gonna have to 'teach you a lesson'? :devil:
 
joeys-game said:
Vamp, you said you wouldn't talk about my momma anymore..am i gonna have to 'teach you a lesson'? :devil:
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*Bends Over* Ohhh...daddy!! I've been a bad boy ;) I think I need a spanking
 
shadowdame said:
I am going to do as little as possible this weekend. I have had a very long couple of weeks and I'm exhausted. I will do only what needs to be done and that's about all I think. I have a 3 day weekend this week and I plan on relaxing. I'm from the US, Thanksgiving isn't for another month and a half for us. We do have Columbus Day on Monday though, hence my 3 day weekend.

I'm glad to hear you are doing better. Family is important, it's great that you are getting on good terms with them. You should also think about finding out what you can do so that you can see your daughter, your ex shouldn't be allowed to keep her from you. Even if it is only supervised visitation at first, it will be better then not seeing her at all.

If you ever need to vent my new friend, just give a hollar. I have large shoulders that have managed many a vent or tear.

Have a great holiday Vamp. *hugs*
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:rose: Aww Thanks Shadow, your such a cutie!!! I think I may have to bite and taste you someday ;) :catroar:

Other than that have a good long weekend.. :kiss:
 
VampireD said:
:rose: Aww Thanks Shadow, your such a cutie!!! I think I may have to bite and taste you someday ;) :catroar:

Other than that have a good long weekend.. :kiss:
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Bite and taste huh? Hmmmmm, sounds interesting. I'm a night person anyway!

You have a great weekend too! :kiss: :kiss:
 
shadowdame said:
Afternoon Vamp, hope your weekend is going good. :)
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Afternoon Shadow..Actually I feel like a bag of shit today.. damn cold for the past 3 days.. not going to be a good Thanksgiving if everyone catches this.
 
VampireD said:
Afternoon Shadow..Actually I feel like a bag of shit today.. damn cold for the past 3 days.. not going to be a good Thanksgiving if everyone catches this.
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I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Sounds like you need some tender, loving care. *hugs*
 
VampireD said:
Afternoon Shadow..Actually I feel like a bag of shit today.. damn cold for the past 3 days.. not going to be a good Thanksgiving if everyone catches this.
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Hi vamp...I'm sorry to hear that. I know how you feel I have a cold for a week now,the little basted just keeps hanging on.

I hope you feel better soon. :rose:
 
Happy Thanksgiving Vamp, hope you are feeling better and have a nice time with your family. :rose:
 
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