Untitled for Loving Wives by Walt Dee

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waltdee

Texas curmudgeon
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I'm several pages into writing a story for the Loving Wives category and I'd like someone to critique what I've done thus far, please?

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You’ve used the word 'left' six times in the first paragraph. You really don't need to describe the scene with such precision. So many names given just in the first paragraph, and then in Para. 3 you tell us again that the wife is Traci. Isn’t it a bit weird to have siblings called James and Jaime? Maybe try not to use ellipses so often...

Line 226: ... even can home ...
Line 266: I hate the apostrophe with complex plurals. "Girls' nights out" would read easier.
Line 320: Maybe it's my Britishness, but I prefer 1.30 p.m. to 1:30 PM.
Lines 368-374: Merge into paragraph.

Line 404: He has thousands stashed away in a secret account, presumably legally her money as well as his, and he spends it on a suspicion of infidelity? Did he actually try asking her yet?
 
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I'm several pages into writing a story for the Loving Wives category and I'd like someone to critique what I've done thus far, please?
[External Link removed. Post your story on Literotica and share its link on this forum for feedback.]
The husband paying thousands from his secret bank account makes him sound like he has been hiding things from his wife for quite a while. Is that why she decided to have her affair?

I recommend you not make him out to be the victim of a cheating wife, if he's been leading a secret life, too. He's been cheating on her, even if it's just financially.
 
The husband paying thousands from his secret bank account makes him sound like he has been hiding things from his wife for quite a while. Is that why she decided to have her affair?

I recommend you not make him out to be the victim of a cheating wife, if he's been leading a secret life, too. He's been cheating on her, even if it's just financially.
How do you propose he pay then? Maybe just have him handle all of the finances anyway and assume she'll never see the bank statements?
 
How do you propose he pay then? Maybe just have him handle all of the finances anyway and assume she'll never see the bank statements?
I'm not offering any solution, just pointing out an issue which will draw criticism. He's accusing his wife of having a secret affair, but is his hidden bank account any less offensive in their marriage? If you intend for them to reconcile via counseling, that might be her defense: he's been lying and hiding money from her. How much more does he have hidden? And how can she trust him when he admits to it?
 
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