Unruly Behaviour.

[Carl East]

I like to think that I am a tolerant guy, but I just can't get over how miss behaved, or unruly my niece is. She is a recent addition to the household, along with my brother and his girlfriend.

I have no trouble telling her off, whenever she is naughty, but I see her back chatting her mother quite often, and she lets her get away with it. Whenever I see this, I want to step in, but I know it's not my place to interfere.

When I do see this though, it reminds me of family life MANY moons ago, when I was aged six. If I'd back chatted my mother back then, I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week. I'm not advocating a good spanking here, but there's a lot to be said for a strict up bringing.

Anyway, I just wondered how some of you mothers/fathers dealt with unruly behaviour.

Carl.

 

[teresafannin]

I was never allowed to talk to my mother that way, the one time I did, she slapped me. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt me, but I never did it again. My son was raised to be respectful to adults & I firmly believe that a pop on the bottom never hurt anyone. The number of times he got spanked was less than 10, but he knew how to behave. Kids test the adults in their lives, just to see what they can get away with. Your niece's mom may be one of those people who want to be friends with their kids, so they let them get away with bad behavior. The problem is that once the girl gets used to talking to her mom that way, she will talk to others that way. I would talk to her parents about it, ask why they let her get away with that nonsense & let them know that language like that is unacceptable in your house. Good luck with her.

 

[KillerMuffin]

We have a similar problem in our household. 4 neices, all of whom behave atrociously. They curse, backtalk, and know the number to social services.

We made it quite simple. My house, my rules. Don't like it? Leave. No one is making them stay, when they do, on occassion, move in with us. They don't like our rules, we are too strict. We have curfews, bedtimes, mandatory dinner with the family, and you have to do your homework when you get home from school and spend and hour studying sunday night. They hate that. They are 13-16, by the way.

Its your house, so I think it is your place to say something. This child is getting mixed messages about what is okay and not okay. Talk to the parents, I'd start with your brother, about what to do and when to discipline, because now you are drawn into the collateral parenting duty, because you are now an adult in her life.

When it comes to discipline, the adults doing the disciplining must, particularly the parents, present a united front. Period. If Uncle Carl says no, then Mom and Dad have to as well, or they are undermining your authority and making it seem that she does not have to obey you, ever. All or nothing with a child this young.

Sit mom and dad down and outline rules and acceptable punishment in your house with them (not to them), otherwise there might come a nasty family rift over something that a little preventative maintenance could have avoided.

Did I run off at the mouth again? Sorry about that.

 

[Weird Harold]

Anyway, I just wondered how some of you mothers/fathers dealt with unruly behaviour.

Listen to the ladies, Carl, they know whereof they speak.

You are in a difficult position. Beware of the "my child is a darling, no matter how rotten she is in reality" syndrome.

Like so many other things brought up for discussion, the key is communication. Both with her parents, and with her.

At age six, your niece is capable of understanding more than most adults give her credit for.

If nothing else, find some way of letting your disgust with her behavior known to her. Find some phrase or nickname that she hates and use it when she's being obnoxious. (something along the lines of "Power Rangers are YUCK" which I used to break my daughter's half-sister from a fixation on that show and it's "karate solves everything" philosophy.)

PS At age six, being liked is very important. Making it obvious you don't like her when she's being bad, and just as obvious you do like her when she's being good will do a lot more than you might expect.



[Edited by Weird Harold on 09-29-2000 at 03:09 PM]

 

[Merelan]

One question. Is this your house they are sharing? If so, yes, it is your business. Your house, your rules. Period.
If so, maybe talking to the Mom and Dad alone will help. But, deep sigh, maybe not.
If it's not your hose then I guess you have to spend more time here to avoid her.

 

[Miranda Reigns]

Respect

Carl ... unruly adolescents can be very easily dealt with through respect ... my daughter is her own woman .... and we respect that. Sometimes, she is so the shit ... makes complete sense, very hard to contradict logically. Sometimes, she is way off base, and after a friendly little debat, realizes it. I never treat her as less than an equal ... and have been fortunate enough to learn from her ... and believe it or not ... she'll even admit to a time or two when she learns from her fuddy duddy parents ... Respect, baby .... much more effective than a spanking ...
xxxxooo
Miranda

 

[Earthmuffin]

Nodding in agreement with KillerMuffin

At this age/stage your neice needs consistency. It's the Rule 24/7. No exceptions. Also remember to validate her positive actions. "You were so much help when you set the table this evening." "It was so SMART of you to close the storm door when we were done bringing in the groceries!" "I am so PROUD of you for *insert good thing here*"

Good luck!

 

[OUTSIDER]

To back chat my mother was to take your life in your hands.

 

[GuyJD]

FOR BEST RESULTS, CRACK THE WHIP!!!

I could make millions writing a book on how my parents disciplined myself and my brothers and sisters when we were kids. That is because what we knew as discipline in the 60's and 70's, society labels as child abuse today. But you can best believe, none of us talked back to our parents or any other adult. We grew up to become productive adults. Maybe a crack of the whip will teach kids of today the meaning of the word, RESPECT. Let's face it, "time out" just don't work that often.

 

[Bigdog]

Carl, I have to say that KillerMuffin's advise is right on target. Children are looking for the boundaries in life and we as adults need to show them whre they lie. Just be very diplomatic when attempting corrective action with the mother around. Mama-bear Syndrome will rear its ugly head if the child's mother thinks you are implying that her "cub" isn't a perfect little angel. Your best bet is to make it sound like her idea. Fortunately for you, the child is young enough to change her ways easily. Just a little positive reinforcement from "Uncle Carl" and soon she can be wonderfully obedient and sweet.

 

[Carl East]

I just wanted to thank you all for the sound advice, I will be following some of the suggestions. At the moment, whenever I've caught her doing anything I know she shouldn't be doing, I use my most authorative voice to tell her off. My brother doesn't interfere, because he realises, it would invalidate the authority I should have in my own home.

Thanks again one and all.

Carl.