Understanding BDSM

[ShadowMasta]

Good Day All

I am new to the whole BDSM - D/s subject and was hoping that some of you could explain and point me in the right direction to understanding the desire and mechanics of it all especially in terms of existing relationships and marriages where only one person in the party is mainly into it

I am wanting to learn as much as I can to better equip myself

Thanks
SM

 

[AltLore]

Hey SM.
Thats a huge question especially when desire is often personal and mechanics should be mutual. That is to say, people, couples and instances are always unique

In fact the topic becomes so huge I can only speak from personal expierence. The desire first and foremost should always be mutual. Contrayer to a lot of whats read on forums and popular media "bondage" is not an excuse to be a bully. Weather the act is as simple as some light spanking or as risque as humilation and "simualted" abuse. The act needs to gratify, stimulate and ultimately pleasure everyone involved.

The mechanics behind that or why it works for some people and why some people can enjoy acts that would other wise be unpleasant is harder to explain. For myself and my partner its about intimacy and an expression of sexuality that is raw and virile. The knowing that I desire her so much and that she "willingly" surrenders to that and from that we are able to express ourselves in a way that we never could with any other person on the planet.
What makes it work for you and your partner may end up being entirely different. I have met people who share my view and I have spoken to others who find a completely different satisfaction in a dom/sub interaction.

Thats all very vague and you may get better answers out of a more specific question. Main thing is your journey will be unique. Start slowly and find your boundries while your partner finds their own. Be willing to compramise and open with communication and most of it will take care of itself, usually very happily.

I am sure some far wiser posters will stop by with far better advice but thats my vague feelings to the vague question.

 

[DVS]

It isn't easy to simulate either role in a BDSM relationship. Both partners need a certain response from their counterpart. I guess you could play the submissive role, but even that would be difficult to handle, if you're not really into submission.

Being the top or Dom would be possible, but there is a certain mindset that is required in that role and if you don't feel it emotionally, you won't be able to give it, unless you are a pretty good actor. And even if you are a good actor, you'd likely get bored after a while. If you don't get any sexual gratification from the role, it quickly turns into a job. Once that happens, the submissive will be able to tell and the relationship will suffer.

Suffice it to say, playing either role long term without the desire won't be easy. On a short term basis, you might get away with it, but why bother? If it ain't in you, it ain't in you.

If you're still interested, maybe reading some of the stories in the story section will give you an idea of what a D/s scene requires. There are a wide variety of stories, for the wide variety of kinks out there.

Just as AltLore said...the field is vast. Below are a few sites to look through. I think the first two sites have the best information. I can't say they are going to explain everything, but you will at least get an idea of what is involved. Read up on whatever fetish is of interest to you, and the rest is up to you.


Sexuality.org

General BDSM & Sex Information

BDSM: FAQs and Tutorials

Articles In BDSM Category

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Thanks for posting those links, DVS. At a quick glance they look great for us information seekers!

 

[wisk]

Good Day All

I am new to the whole BDSM - D/s subject and was hoping that some of you could explain and point me in the right direction to understanding the desire and mechanics of it all especially in terms of existing relationships and marriages where only one person in the party is mainly into it

I am wanting to learn as much as I can to better equip myself

Thanks
SM

Hmm too open a question to be able to easily answer, there are many types of things Dom may be looking for and there are many types of subs to be able to talk about desires so may be you need to be defining yourself and your needs first, as a Dom you need to be able to talk at sometime honestly with your sub to define boundaries and learn to understand them and their needs you will need to be able to read them in situations. with regard existing relationship or marrige that again is a large area but should you find them agreable then it may well help to have a trigger to allow them to know when you wish the role play to start this could be the use of a name choosen for the sub side or may be putting on a collar then they can be prepared. D/s is not about you deciding the are certain practices you are intrested in and then regardless of a partners wishes trying to impose them. The sub has the power and control she gives that in return for your respect forget or ignore this at your peril

 

[ShadowMasta]

Thanks for all the feedback and links

I guess what I am trying to understand is exactly what it is my wife is seeking from me? As well as wanting to be her Master in the bedroom and her my sub I still don't want to loose sight of the fact that we are still husband and wife. I want to please her and in doing so please myself

My wife has a big head start over me having been reading up on BDSM and exploring it online now for a couple of months whereas I am new to it

I am trying to find out as much information about what she wants as a sub and what I need to provide as Master. I am thankful for the resources suggested to date and anymore are welcome

I know she feels to a large extent that the dynamics of being a Master is not in my make-up, I am a very reserved, quiet, conservative person by nature. That is true but that is partly because I respect her as a woman and equal although I now see she desires some form of control. And that is only a part of me, there are deeper darker sides too

Correct me if I am wrong but I see a large part of a submissive wife being her way of letting go of all the worries of her stressful day to day life. It is a way for her to place her trust in someone else and let down her guard per say and not have to worry about all the stress of life. I know that she is not weak and it is her who actually has the power in the bedroom but she wavers this power allowing me to sexually and mentally fulfill her need

That said however in the bedroom there is no reason why I can not become what she wants me to be. I see the bedroom D/s play scenes as a way of acting out your sexual fantasies

I am kinky and am enjoying our new found sexual exploration I am just not sure where to take it next? I know that my wife is enjoying it too but I also know that she wants me to take it further but I am not sure what that is

I guess what I am asking for is suggestions, pointers etc from existing Doms / Masters in what I should be doing to please my submissive wife in the bedroom and perhaps beyond but not into a full 24/7 thing. I am looking for training. Obviously I am not looking to become someones puppet, I will apply my own approach to things but guidance in this area would be appreciated

 

[missy_me]

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[where]

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[Adakgirl]

I know she feels to a large extent that the dynamics of being a Master is not in my make-up, I am a very reserved, quiet, conservative person by nature. That is true but that is partly because I respect her as a woman and equal although I now see she desires some form of control. And that is only a part of me, there are deeper darker sides too

Then she is ill informed about the dynamics of being a Master. Your reserved, quiet and conservative character has nothing at all to do with your ability to dominate her in the bedroom. Either you have that ability or you don't. You will feel your power over her and be able to use it to your advantage or you won't.

She won't respond to you attempting to please her, she will respond to you using her for your pleasure. She will respond and take pleasure in serving if you make clear to her exactly what it takes to please you. If she tries to lead, distract, manipulate the action then you must be willing and able to use discipline to remind her of her place.

This does not mean you have to use physical discipline, you can take away privileges or give her tasks to perform that you know she dislikes ect to teach her what she can get away with and what she can't . I suggest you have a discussion about what limits you both have regarding how far you both are willing to go with this.

The D/s relationship dynamic is based on an equal exchange of power where mutual respect is a necessity.
I suggest you continue to read up on the dynamics of D/s M/s power exchange relationships.
If you don't feel it, you can't fake it. Let her know.

 

[Primalex]

Hmm too open a question to be able to easily answer, there are many types of things Dom may be looking for and there are many types of subs to be able to talk about desires so may be you need to be defining yourself and your needs first, as a Dom you need to be able to talk at sometime honestly with your sub to define boundaries and learn to understand them and their needs you will need to be able to read them in situations. with regard existing relationship or marrige that again is a large area but should you find them agreable then it may well help to have a trigger to allow them to know when you wish the role play to start this could be the use of a name choosen for the sub side or may be putting on a collar then they can be prepared. D/s is not about you deciding the are certain practices you are intrested in and then regardless of a partners wishes trying to impose them. The sub has the power and control she gives that in return for your respect forget or ignore this at your peril

Is there a human readable version available somewhere?

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Dude,

If you want to be a Dominant, be a Dominant.... tell her what to do... tell her what pleases you... Have expectations...

If you don't want to be a Dominant, thats cool too bro.

The key COMMUNICATION...

If there is no communication, any attempt at a relationship is going to die the death of a million papercuts.