Unaffectionate Wife - Suggestions

[rowdy6633]

Is it hopeless?

My wife is very unaffectionate. I have tried most everything. I have talked to her about it and how I need her to show me her affection. I am not even talking about sex. I told her a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the ass anything would be great. I have been very affectionate towards her. I have helped her with house work asked her how I could help her. Nothing changes so I say WTF should I help her do things if she can't give me a little hug and kiss every now and again. She says she loves me and there are no signs of an affair. All I get for an explaination is I am not a very affectionate person. That I don't understand. It is a basic human desire to love and be loved. We have sex on a regular basis and she appears to enjoy it.


Any ideas?

Thanks,

Rowdy

 

[LadyJeanne]

Some people didn't grow up in families where they were openly affectionate with each other, and so they really just aren't openly affectionate adults. I would expect that if you've talked with her and you've created a warm, loving environment at home and, over time, your wife still hasn't become more affectionate with you, then it's not likely to happen.

This is obviously important to you, but you probably knew this about your wife before you married her, so it must not be a deal-breaker for you. You may just have to accept that she is this way, continue to encourage her, but don't make it an issue as it will likely make her feel bad that she's not living up to your hopes or expectations.

Do you have children? Is she affectionate with them?

 

[Eilan]

How long have you been married? Other than what you've described, do you have any reason to believe that she doesn't love you?

Unless this a new development, I'm guessing that you knew that she wasn't an affectionate person before you were married. A lot of people enter into marriage thinking that they'll be able to change an undesirable behavior/personality trait, and it doesn't work. If it is a new development, then you need to try to figure out what the underlying issue is.

I'm not sure that helping with things around the house (or whatever) in exchange for a show of affection from her is the correct approach. I'd think that having to "buy" her affection in any way would cheapen it for both of you.

I'm certainly not faulting you for wanting/needing a show of affection from your wife. I'd have a hard time if my husband weren't demonstrative in this regard. Some people just aren't as openly affectionate as others. My grandfather, for example, was one of these people. There was no doubt that he loved my grandma, mom, brother, and me. He just didn't "show" it.

I think that there have been some Litsters who have had issues like this. Maybe one of them can steer you in the right direction.

Good luck.

 

[Guest]

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

Anyway, my wife has a strong need for personal space. It took me a long time, but I have learned that when she approaches me for a hug or a kiss, not to try to capitalize on it and get more than she was looking for. In other words, let it happen on her terms. Once she trusts that I'm not going to try to get more than she was looking for, I found she approaches me more.

I know her needs and she knows mine, and they are not always the same. Some days I deal with this better than others.

This, and several other HT posts recently, have made me reflect back on dreams and the role they play in our lives. We all know the woman who dreams of a certain type of house, a type of car, and a particular status in society ever since she was a little child and pursues it to no end. She appears in a hundred Lit stories, where usually she ends up throwing it all away in a fit of sexual passion. It's a nice story, but I was thinking about these real women, and how they can let this dream run their entire lives.

There are a million such dreams. One dream is that of children. A person grows up their entire lives imagining themselves as a mother or father to a little girl in an Easter dress. Another dream revolves around the way affection is going to be expressed or what their partner is like in the bedroom. I think that is happening here. I share rowdy's and scalywag's views of how I want to receive affection. I want to be touched lightly. I want my partner to look into my eyes and bite her lip. I want a kiss on the cheek when I get home from working late.

But what happens to us when those dreams aren't realized in the way we expect them? For the woman in the beautiful house, for the person who has all boys and no girls, or for us who want physical touches to show that the other cares? Do our dreams decide for us or can we learn to change our dreams?

So the question is, is your wife truly unaffectionate - a genuine problem - or is she not showing it the way you want her to? If the latter, then try to meet half way. Do your best to get a few more physical demonstrations from her, but then also learn to change your dream. If you truly believe she loves you and is affectionate, then it is time to lose that dream you have been carrying around with you unbeknownst to yourself.

I am not saying this is easy. This post is about myself as much as it is a reply to you.

 

[Guest]

 

[TBKahuna123]

I understand your frustration because I've been in relationships like that. They are tough. Does it get better over time? Sure, it can, if the problem is just that she's from a family that wasn't very affectionate. My wife's family NEVER says "I love You". NEVER. So it was really hard for my wife because I'm very expressive and I tell her I love her all the time. I knew she loved me, but she just didn't SAY it, even though she showed it in hundreds of other ways. It was really tough for me because my family is so open and expressive, and it turns out that she wasn't sure I really meant it because I said it TOO much! Sounds like a wierd problem, but it was. Over time, she grew to understand me and I her. Now she says I love you just as much as I do and tells her family that as well, which seems to really freak out her mother. She's just learned a new way, and I didn't push her, I just kept telling her I loved her.

Now, this may or may not happen for you, but I thought I'd at least share a hopeful story.

And to everyone who's picked on him because of the "if I don't get anything out of it why should I do it" line, I understand his feelings there too. I've been there, I've done things to make my wife happy at times and it doesn't seem to do any good. It can be extremely frustrating because it makes you feel unappreciated. It's not even a matter of expecting some appreciation, just the fact that you don't get any in return for going out of your way. If I do something for my wife that I wasn't asked, just s simple thank you and a smile makes my day, but if she doesn't even notice, it makes me feel insignificant. Stupid male ego!

The point is I think that comment is less about wanting something in return than it is just an expression of frustration at the whole picture. I understand that completely because I've felt like that.

Now I'll drop the bombshell, I would suggest a marriage counselor. Either your wife has to open up and be more affectionate, or you have to suck it up and learn to life with things the way they are. There maybe a comprmise, meeting each other half way, but those are the only choices. Counselors can help with this. You aren't the first couple to deal with this problem.

 

[Cathleen]

So much good stuff here - this board never fails to amaze me.

Some things that are running around in my mind are language, trust and love.

The language between a couple is their alone many times - their personal vernacular if you will. Each person brings their own language to the relationship and then they create one together. There are hundreds of ways to communicate the thousands of things we want to say to each other. Your comment about helping around the house is a good example of your language but I wonder what that means to her? (I am NOT faulting the action or perceived reward at all, I think it's valid.) Her way of communicating might be to make your favorite cake or something. The idea is that you have your language, she has hers and together you have to create your own.

The trust part was quite aptly addressed by Scaly's post about how he and his wife took the communication to the next level of trust. Rowdy, I like that you mentioned your sex was apparently good and that she says she loves you - those are positives in my opinion. The best thing to me is that you are reaching out for ideas and thoughts - that you haven't thrown in the towel. I know too many people that have abandoned their marriage, physically or emtionally for so many sad reasons.

The other thing that stood out to me was love. It sure seems like you're genuine here and love her and your relationship... I can't add a thing to love, it speaks for itself.



(Scaly, what you shared about how you and Mrs. Scaly worked out the two different needs is beautiful - you really made a direct hit to my heart/spirit. Thank you.)

 

[Bandit58]

My ex husband never showed affection unless he wanted sex. I felt taken for granted and unappreciated. Even before we were married he would never even hold my hand in public let alone kiss me. I was lucky to get a kiss at the end of the wedding ceremony! Me being a young naive girl thought it would get better as time went on. It didn't.

I put up with it for over 20 years, basically because I didn't know any better. When I finally got fed up and told him I was leaving he told me he loved me. Oh really - he never showed it. I'd fallen out of any sort of feeling for him years prior. Too little too late. We are hardly in any contact now except if it's anything to do with the kids. He was emotionally abusive and used emotional blackmail very well.

I never saw his parents hug or kiss each other in all the time we were together, 25 years all told. My own parents were affectionate in front of us kids sometimes though.

Now I'm in a very loving relationship and we kiss and hug lots, I can't believe I went all that time without that. My ex would reach out only for sex - I still have a bit of a hard time realising that Gil and I can cuddle and touch and it doesn't have to lead to sex

 

[Guest]

 

[TBKahuna123]

I still have a bit of a hard time realising that Gil and I can cuddle and touch and it doesn't have to lead to sex

You and my wife both!

Hey Scally, I totally missed your post, musta been cause I got called away inthe middle of mine for a while. I gotta give you props for being sensitive enogh to see this in your wife and to allow her to grow with you. Not all guys can do that.

 

[Guest]

 

[Gangrif]

I havent read through every responce here, but i'd like to contribute my experience. Maybe someone's already covered what i'm about to say.

My wife is the same way. She is not an overly affectionate person. I know she loves me, and i know that she'd never cheat on me or anything, so i dont let it get to me so much. We dated for 4 years before we got married, and we've been married for 2 years. In that time i've come to the conclusion that she is this way not because of her family, but because of her self image.

In fact i posted a similar thread here on Lit a few months ago seeking the same advice.

See my wife thinks she's unattractive. And no matter what anyone tells her, she hasnt changed her mind. I think her lack of affection comes from this. She doesnt feel confident enough. She is however getting better. I give her compliments, i tell her she's beautiful, i sneek up on her and give her a hug, kiss, or a quick goose! and slowly she's getting more comfortable. I've accepted the fact that it's going to take time. And time is something we have, we;re both young, and we love eachother. I wont let something this simple endanger our marriage.

Anyway, i dont know if any of this applies to you and your wife, but its helped me, and if it helps you, then great!

Ohh, and btw, dont start taking sides. Your comment about the chores and such, thats no good. My wife, in her anger, and depression (a whole other thread!) sometimes says some pretty mean things to me (that are fabricated entirely by her self doubt and anger), but never do i resent her for it, or try to punish her for it. Instead i talk to her about it once she's calmed down, this usually ends up in something like her saying "I really said that? I'm so sorry!".

Anyway, i'm getting off track here. The point is, dont resent her for who she is. If she's not affectionate, you'll just have to live with it, she may come around. You know her better than we do, is there something in her life that might make her feel like she doesnt deserve affection? If there is, try to make whatever that is right, and see if she comes around. The bottom line is that she loves you, no matter how she shows it.

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

<deleted by author>

 

[Cathleen]

Gangrif, that was an excellent post - absolutely.

I think the self-image troubles are valid for so many people. I love the way you've been working on it. The patience and security you've displayed touches me deeply.

Perhaps affection is tied up with self-image. Then it is a larger issue. I have been thinking lately about connections. In my mind I picture those images in a chemistry book or the visual image of an element. Some issues are simple, like water... it's two hydrogens and one oxygen. But elements can get so complex and so can feelings and thoughts.

So many things can be hiding behind what looks like lack of affection, or looks like other personal characteristics. There are connections to events that might lead to a personal belief, or a behavior etc. When trying to find reasons why it can be like setting a chemical reaction off. In which case the environment must be safe for everyone involved.

 

[Gangrif]

I;m glad my post makes so much sense to someone other than just me!


I'm no psychologist, but I think theres a lot to be said for being comfortable with yourself. I can relate a lot of the things my wife does or doesnt do back to how she percieves herself.

But thats probably just because i know her so well.


And BTW M-Y-Erotica, my wife Loves oral sex.

 

[covariant]

I;m glad my post makes so much sense to someone other than just me!

I think some of it applies to my life too. Thanks for a very interesting and thoughtful post.