Tying Up

[crtguy]

I’m not sure how to word this. I want to tie my girlfriend up when we’re having sex. I want to have complete control and be abel to do anything I want. I dream about it and think about it constintly. We have a great sex life already but I’m pretty sure this would freek her out.
What do I say to her.How do I ask? If you have ever tried it how did the subject come up?

 

[SweetErika]

"Would you ever be interested in a little bondage, maybe having your hands, feet, or both restrained while I pleasure you?"

Asking is as simple as saying that.

What I'm more curious about is why you think she'd freak out. Is it a newer relationship? Is there a lot of trust? How well do you two communicate? Is there abuse/assault in her past?

IF she's interested, you'll want to have a safe word so she can let you know if she's uncomfortable or wants whatever you're doing to stop. We use "yellow" for "slow down and check in with me" and "red" for "STOP everything immediately," but also honor "no/stop" said in certain tones/contexts because we know eachother well enough to read the meaning behind words, and would always rather be safe than risk hurting each other by continuing.

It's NOT okay to do "anything you want" while she's tied up; you must check in with her during ("How are you doing?" "Do you like this?" etc.), avoid things she doesn't like and stop when she says so.

If she's not interested, you have to respect her wishes. Maybe she'd like to tie you up, or is willing to try some variation like you holding her hands above her head, having one arm tied, commands (e.g. "Keep your hands there/Don't move"), or bonds she can get out of easily.

 

[only_more_so]

I’m not sure how to word this. I want to tie my girlfriend up when we’re having sex. I want to have complete control and be abel to do anything I want. I dream about it and think about it constintly. We have a great sex life already but I’m pretty sure this would freek her out.
What do I say to her.How do I ask? If you have ever tried it how did the subject come up?

Erika is right, you should just ask her. The easy first step is the old, pin her hands while you are going at it. If she gets into that then you can suggest going further with it.

Also, Erika is right that you can't do whatever you want, but I think it is a bit silly to constantly ask "Is this okay" since it ruins the concept of being in control. But you must pay attention to her reactions and stop if she says stop.

 

[SweetErika]

I think it is a bit silly to constantly ask "Is this okay" since it ruins the concept of being in control.

That wasn't really what I was suggesting, though I do think it pays off to be extra conservative/safe with a newer partner and people who might be hesitant/fearful/have issues the first time and when trying completely new things.

I was more thinking along the lines of:

"Is this okay?" as he tightens the last bond and tests them.

"Does my little slut like that/want more?"

"Have you had enough?"

"Tell me how you're feeling," he commands.

etc., etc.

My point is that checking in can be worked into the play with ease. Anyone with half an imagination can figure out ways to do it regularly that fit with the scene.

 

[Flyin_Free]

I’m not sure how to word this. I want to tie my girlfriend up when we’re having sex. I want to have complete control and be abel to do anything I want. I dream about it and think about it constintly. We have a great sex life already but I’m pretty sure this would freek her out.
What do I say to her.How do I ask? If you have ever tried it how did the subject come up?

Just ask. It never hurts to ask and you really might be surprised at her answer--maybe she won't be against it.

 

[sba]

Waiting for her to ask? That might never happen!
I always wanted a certain type of sex but just kept quiet,but as soon as he asked for it !
It could be the same for her,just ask!

 

[human_male]

You could perhapse try pinning her arms down above her head while you ravage her and see if she likes that. That'd be a pretty good indication of whether she's like to be tied up. If she doesn't you just let go, no biggie.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You could perhapse try pinning her arms down above her head while you ravage her and see if she likes that. That'd be a pretty good indication of whether she's like to be tied up. If she doesn't you just let go, no biggie.

This was something I used to do even before I even knew I was into bondage. You're lying on the bed kissing and you just grab her wrists. I guess it was instinctive, and you'd be surprised how many women instinctivey respond. It's a pretty good way to tell if a woman responds to this kind of thing, and if she doesn't respond or shows irritation, you'd best forget it.

If you've got a rsponder on your hands and you're pretty sure she wants to go further, don't start hauling out the ropes and chains. For a beginner, that's pretty scary. You might start by using a scarf or a tie, and just binding her hands in front of her,m which is les threatening. And forget any knots. Just lash them together, which means looping the tie around her wrists enough to keep them together but still allowing her to work free is she starts to panic or feel incomfortable. Save the knots and the heavy equipment for when you're more comfortable with each other.

By the way, if you're looking to tie someone to a mattress, most good mattresses have carrying handles on the sides. Pull up the sheets and look for them. Never tie anyone to a headboard in a motel. Those headboards are just molly-bolted to the walls and come right out. Voice of experience.

 

[human_male]

By the way, if you're looking to tie someone to a mattress, most good mattresses have carrying handles on the sides. Pull up the sheets and look for them. Never tie anyone to a headboard in a motel. Those headboards are just molly-bolted to the walls and come right out. Voice of experience.

One day I hope to be able to say that a gf and myself once broke a bed in a motel.

 

[Leah57]

By the way, if you're looking to tie someone to a mattress, most good mattresses have carrying handles on the sides. Pull up the sheets and look for them. Never tie anyone to a headboard in a motel. Those headboards are just molly-bolted to the walls and come right out. Voice of experience.

Another option besides the carrying handles on a mattress are the legs of the frame, if you have enough length to whatever it is you're using.

 

[SweetErika]

Another option besides the carrying handles on a mattress are the legs of the frame, if you have enough length to whatever it is you're using.

Yep, that's what we did before we got a four poster bed a few months ago. That was also nice because we could just push the restraints under the bed when they weren't in use and we had people over. Robe ties are soft and work beautifully.

 

[crtguy]

This was something I used to do even before I even knew I was into bondage. You're lying on the bed kissing and you just grab her wrists. I guess it was instinctive, and you'd be surprised how many women instinctivey respond. It's a pretty good way to tell if a woman responds to this kind of thing, and if she doesn't respond or shows irritation, you'd best forget it.

If you've got a rsponder on your hands and you're pretty sure she wants to go further, don't start hauling out the ropes and chains. For a beginner, that's pretty scary. You might start by using a scarf or a tie, and just binding her hands in front of her,m which is les threatening. And forget any knots. Just lash them together, which means looping the tie around her wrists enough to keep them together but still allowing her to work free is she starts to panic or feel incomfortable. Save the knots and the heavy equipment for when you're more comfortable with each other.

By the way, if you're looking to tie someone to a mattress, most good mattresses have carrying handles on the sides. Pull up the sheets and look for them. Never tie anyone to a headboard in a motel. Those headboards are just molly-bolted to the walls and come right out. Voice of experience.

I think I will try that.

 

[BreeCarter]

I’m not sure how to word this. I want to tie my girlfriend up when we’re having sex. I want to have complete control and be abel to do anything I want. I dream about it and think about it constintly. We have a great sex life already but I’m pretty sure this would freek her out.
What do I say to her.How do I ask? If you have ever tried it how did the subject come up?

be honest. confront her and say i'd like to try tying you up and taking control. would you be willing to try this with me? if you don't like it, we can stop. (if she does try it, and wants you to stop, fucking stop)

 

[TBKahuna123]

You might also try letting her tie you down first. That might get her used to the idea in an environment which is safe for you. Erika gave my suggestion, which is have a safe word. The thing you need to really think about though is WHY you want to tie her up. If the idea is so you can do whatever you want, then forget it. That's a sure fire way to destroy your relationship, and technically is rape.

If the idea is the erotic aspects of being restrained, then both partners have to be into it fully. A safe word works well, but another thought is to "semi" restrain her. She tied down, her arms are stopped from easy movement, but should she really freak out she could exert enough force to free herself. A girlfriend and I used this technique and it was still very erotic. It was also a necessity. I was living in my parents basement(college) and my dad came down to talk to me. Unfortunately we were midcoitus, and of course this was the first time we'd tried bondage. So, I'm standing outside my bedroom door, talking to my dad while my girlfriend is naked and tied down to my bed. I think it fell into one of those erotic, scary, dangerous situations, but after that we went with the not totally secure bondage, just in case it happened again so she could at least get dressed.

Anyway, just a though.

 

[bashfull]

Just a suggestion...if she appears uneasy with the thought of you tieing her up, then start by holding her wrists over her head. Eventually, you can move to using licorice ropes. They are great in that they provide the allusion of bondage but still allow the freedom of escape. After all, it is the mind that must submit before the body can.

Bash

 

[dr_mabeuse]

safe word works well, but another thought is to "semi" restrain her. She tied down, her arms are stopped from easy movement, but should she really freak out she could exert enough force to free herself.

*L* That's another good argument for using the lashing technique rather than knot-tying when you're starting out, especially for the hands.

Again, lashing consists of just wrapping the rope or whatever around the wrists enough times so that it holds against jerking, but can be worked out of without much difficulty in case of emergency. BDSM lore is filled with stories of Doms passing out or having heart attacks in the middle of play and leaving the sub helpless to do anything but scream for help and hope someone hears her while she tries to come up with some plausible story that won't make the paramedics double over in hysterics when they break down the door. But if her hands are just lashed, she can work them free pretty easily, and then untie the rest of her.

Lashing also has the advantage of not tying her too tightly and cutting off circulation, another common beginner mistake, especially when you're using rope. If a hand or foot goes to sleep, she has to tell you and you've got to loosen it.

As for safe words, I usually set them up but I've never had to use one. In any case, I would think that in a first, trial bondage session, a safe word wouldn't be necessary unless you've agreed to play rape or something violent, or you want to use a gag, which isn't a good idea at the start anyhow