Two new stories--enjoy!

[Chocolatemint]

Greetings!

I'm a longtime reader and new writer here; my second story was just accepted this morning. I'd love to get feedback on both of them from other readers and writers alike. They're both (loosely) based on true stories--hence the first and second person--and in the Erotic Couplings category, under the name Chocolatemint. I promise, neither of them is as stiffly written as this post (well . . . except for certain parts of the male anatomy).

A Quick Taste - A brief, teasing taste while his roommate is out.
Chocolate or Mint? - Our first experiment with flavored condoms (yes, this is where I got the pen name).


Chocomi*

 

[tmarcl]

First, the first story

Overall, it's not a bad story. I like the teasing ending, though given the title, you might not want to promise a continuation. Personally, I think it should just end where it did.

I didn't see any glaring spelling or grammatical errors, but I was a bit concerned about hte flow. You seemed, in my opinion to just jump from the day dream to reality. Also, when he flops down on the bed and the girl begins giving him a blowjob, there is no indication that his pants ever came off. In addition, when he gets up and locks the door, he lays back down, and she has to re-remove his pants, with no indication that he ever put them back on.

Other than that, as I said, it was a good story.

Marc

 

[Chocolatemint]

Re: First, the first story

You seemed, in my opinion to just jump from the day dream to reality. Also, when he flops down on the bed and the girl begins giving him a blowjob, there is no indication that his pants ever came off. In addition, when he gets up and locks the door, he lays back down, and she has to re-remove his pants, with no indication that he ever put them back on.

Ack! Yes, that definitely needed reformatting. The blowjob before he gets up and locks the door is a return to the daydream (we're not quite shameless enough to do it while his roommate was there *^_^*).

Sorry that was confusing. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks!


Chocomi*