Two Hearts to Beat as One

[jemsgirl]

Thanks...wont hurt anymore eyes now....


appreciate the input

Jemsgirl

 

[WickedEve]

Welcome to the board. Are you posting this just to share or are you seeking critiques? Is this poem for someone special?

 

[Angeline]

Wicked One sayeth:

Is this poem for someone special?


Will you clobber me if I say duh?

 

[WickedEve]

Wicked One sayeth:

Is this poem for someone special?


Will you clobber me if I say duh?

CLOBBER!

 

[Sweetwood]

CLOBBER!

*I'm getting my baseball bat out" do you wanna have me in left or right field Eve?

sweetwood

 

[Angeline]

Sorry, but it was funny....

gee Sweetwood finally talked to me, even if it was a clobber.

 

[jemsgirl]

It was meant for someone at one time, yes. If you wish to critique it, go for it. It's one two being published later this year.

Jemsgirl

 

[WickedEve]

*I'm getting my baseball bat out" do you wanna have me in left or right field Eve?

sweetwood

Sweetwood! You wanna critique this one?

 

[WickedEve]

jemsgirl, I think some poetry is so personal that it should only be shared with a loved one who will truly appreciate it. As far as sharing with others... well, some may appreciate your poetic efforts and others will simply find it extremely cliché and dripping with sentimentality. (Remember, this is only my opinion and I may be full of poo.)
Personally, I'd start by changing the title to One Beat - that's a little better. I'm not sure what you can do with the poem. I'd leave it as is and hang around the board for a while. You'll pick up a lot of good ideas and suggestions!
Sorry that I had no praise for this poem.

 

[Sweetwood]

Sorry, but it was funny....

gee Sweetwood finally talked to me, even if it was a clobber.

Sweet angeline, I wouldn't clobber yoju for the world. But I did have to back up against my friend Eve.

sweeeeeetwood

 

[Sweetwood]

Two Hearts to Beat as One

How do I know it's love?
I just do.
Again, how do I know it's love?
Because, it's you.

Love has no definition,
No meaning and no rhyme.
Love is a condition,
That withstands the tests of time.

My heart is overflowing,
With happiness and love.
And for you I'm ever grateful,
To that One from up above.

I think he had a special plan,
I know that all can see.
He made me truly happy,
By bringing you to me.

Hand in hand, together,
As we stroll towards the sun,
Our dreams brought us together,
Two hearts to beat as one.

Would you like your critique soft or hard?

I think I will go for the soft one:

I must assume that you are new at writing poetry. I also assume that you have not read classical or modern poetry very much. I assume that because the images that you are trying to create here are very worn, old and flat. Let me give you an example:


Hand in hand, together,
As we stroll towards the sun,
Our dreams brought us together,
Two hearts to beat as one.

The first line is very cliche. This image has been around since Adam and Eve and every one of your readers has not only heard it, but probaly has done it, read it, heard it sing, ad nauseam. It will conjure up in the reader a sudden urge to leave the poem unread.

Similarly with the second line. While we all have written sentimental drivel at one time or another for our loved ones (and God knows I have) it is really not something that anyone other than your loved can do anything with. Every Hollywood chick flick ends up with this image and most Westerns too. For the total effect, this poem is too lightweight to support such a worn statement let alone all the rest of them.

The third line: well, this is the 3,578,952nd time I have heard this one. It is so lame it brings tears to my eyes. What I would like to see is something fresh, that moves me, and then brings tears to my eyes from being moved. Yeah, that would be nice.

The last line is just more of the same.

I think you get my point. I have no intent to belittle your writing or your intentions. However, if this poem is being published, watch the sales numbers drop on following issues of the same book or magazine. Or is it being published at poetry. com anthologies. Honey, we've all been there.

Take care and scrap this one. Start something new and fresh.

sweetwood

 

[Angeline]

Sweet angeline, I wouldn't clobber you for the world. But I did have to back up against my friend Eve.

Awwww, you are sweet! (And don't tell Eve, but I love her, too)

 

[Rybka]

It's being published?

It was meant for someone at one time, yes. If you wish to critique it, go for it. It's one two being published later this year.

Jemsgirl

What is the name of the greeting card company?
Jgirl, as everyone has been trying to tell you in a gentle way, this poem sucks. It is not worth trying to fix. But don't quit trying!

Something I recommend with a new poem is to put it aside for awhile, until the driving emotion of creation has passed. Then go read it objectively as if it were not your own work. If you still like it and do not wish to change anything, then you are ready for others to read it.

All of the above are just my own thoughts and are offered in the spirit of constructive critique and comment. Please keep writing, and also read the comments of posting poets relating to other poems. That is the way to learn and improve your own skills, both in reading and in composition. - And always remember, that what you like is what is important! (De gustibus non desputandum.)



Regards,                       Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Sweet angeline, I wouldn't clobber you for the world. But I did have to back up against my friend Eve.

Awwww, you are sweet! (And don't tell Eve, but I love her, too)

I know you do.

Sweetwood, you're right. We've all been there. I wrote the same kind of thing before I realized it had been done a million times over.

 

[Sweetwood]

I know you do.

Sweetwood, you're right. We've all been there. I wrote the same kind of thing before I realized it had been done a million times over.

I love you too WE

sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

I love you too WE

sweetwood

Oh, this is getting deep. lol
Okay, I love you too!
Love you, Ange.
Love you Judo, Lauren, dog and fishie.
Love to OT, Homer, Cord, dreammaiden, lava lamp girl, and...
and... Oh, love you, SJ.
And everyone else!

sp, I only kind of like you... just a little itty bitty bit.

Now I must go purge this mush from my system.

 

[Sweetwife]

Oh, this is getting deep. lol
Okay, I love you too!
Love you, Ange.
Love you Judo, Lauren, dog and fishie.
Love to OT, Homer, Cord, dreammaiden, lava lamp girl, and...
and... Oh, love you, SJ.
And everyone else!

sp, I only kind of like you... just a little itty bitty bit.

Now I must go purge this mush from my system.

What about me? *sniff* Or am I still welcome here after my dork remark.

E

 

[WickedEve]

What about me? *sniff* Or am I still welcome here after my dork remark.

E

Once one has dorked, one is no longer loved. LOL

 

[anniebug]

OOPPSS!!

 

[Sweetwife]

Once one has dorked, one is no longer loved. LOL

*dragging my sorry ass out of here*

Sorry Eve

 

[WickedEve]

*dragging my sorry ass out of here*

Sorry Eve

OH, don't drag it! Get sweetwood to cart it off. tee hee

 

[Angeline]

Wait--isn't clobbered worse than dorked? And I duhed. I say the sweetwife stays! It's a big tent.

(And I love everybody, ok? But I reallllly love karmadog cause I just found out he can make whole wheat bread laced with cognac-soaked figs. Mmmmm.)

 

[WickedEve]

Wait--isn't clobbered worse than dorked? And I duhed. I say the sweetwife stays! It's a big tent.

(And I love everybody, ok? But I reallllly love karmadog cause I just found out he can make whole wheat bread laced with cognac-soaked figs. Mmmmm.)

Hey, you're right! Someone drag Angeline's butt out of here!