Trying to understand my sadism/sexuality....

[Fenshae]

I've lurked here a lot but haven't really spent much time posting, so my question MIGHT be really, really stupid. Worth a shot, I guess.

All right, here's the thing...I'm 18, female, a college student with a relatively short vanilla sexual history, currently single. I figure being single gives me a good opportunity to explore my sexuality, so I can perhaps be a bit more knowledgeable when I go into my next relationship.

I've been slowly realizing over the last two or three years that I have some sadistic tendencies. I have numerous rape fantasies, wherein I am always the rapist, as well as torture fantasies. I've been slightly disturbed to realize that non-sexual violence turns me on; I've always been a fan of bloody horror films, and I fantasy roleplay online with a number of violent characters.

Now then, here's the thing. In day-to-day life, I'm a big softie, completely compassionate and emotional, the "give 100%" type. The idea of the BDSM lifestyle in general doesn't appeal to me, nor power play--I'm interested almost solely in the violence aspect. My biggest fantasy is a predatory-type confrontation, where there is a struggle between myself and my 'prey', where we both sustain pain and mild injury but I inevitably come out on top. A lot of the time these fantasies center around werewolves.

So I guess what I'm driving at here is that I have no idea how to explore this; I've seen lots of information on the 'net regarding becoming a sub, but very little regarding becoming a Dom/sadist/whatever. I don't even know the proper terminology, and I'm not even 100% sure that what I'm experiencing is even technically S&M. How do I find out if I'm really into this? And if I am, how do I go about exploring/developing it? How do I initiate when I find a partner?

Any help at all would be greatly appreciated.

--Fen

PS
Sometimes I feel sick/twisted for my fantasies, even though I understand they're "normal/acceptable", and the guilt interferes with my ability to enjoy the fantasy. Any tips on alleviating some of this?

 

[visionskate]

you dont have to worry. fear and the thought of fear is sensual. it makes your nerves come alive. i know it sounds cliche but thats waht i beleive.Im 26 and i just recently had a grrl let me live out our fantasy (notice i say our)of rape. The trust between us both wuz extremely sexy and i would most defenatly do it again.

So dont worry your ok and theres tons of people that think like you.Find someone you trust to try it with you..or try cyber role playing to see if that turns you on

 

[tumbledown]

You might find this page to be helpful. You aren't sick or twisted, nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Cool, a girl rapist. Gabba gabba we acceptcha!

 

[graceanne]

Honey, there are tons of sadists who aren't dom/me's or subs. They just get off on pain. Just as their are masochists who aren't dom/me's or subs. As long as you keep it Consentual, then it's perfectly ok.

 

[Betticus]

I think that you will have to explore your sexuality with someone who is willing to let you play out your fantasies to the extent that you are both comfortable with them.

You don't necessarily have to have either domme or sub tendencies in order to have a sadistic streak. A switch might be good for you to talk to about this as we enjoy being taken sometimes in the ways that you are describing. It doesn't mean you have to be the dominant partner but he can trust you enough to give up control when you need it and then be confident/strong enough to take it back when your needs are fulfilled.

You shouldn't feel bad about your fantasies. What you describe is a big turn on for me personally, within certain limits.

Before you start to explore this physically maybe you should talk to people here who are aware of the things you need to do to keep yourself safe from predators first. To help you find out what kind of person you are compatible with.

 

[WindDancerBlue]

Explore

I don't find your interests to be perverted. I think there is a clear difference between the general theme the BDSM folks play, where the domination is physical, emotional and sexual, ) but not necessarily all three) and those whose intentions are sexual domination exclusively. Men will confess to having fantasies of forcing sex from others; women have fantasies about being raped. Why should it be unusual to have fantasies about a woman forcing sex from others?

I would recommend you spend some time writing out your fantasies to see what actually turns you on about the situation. You can be as graphic or violent there as you wish, without having feelings of judgment by others. Then explore a piece with someone you trust who can at least discuss the topic, if not be open to participating in a scripted play, so you both know exactly what to expect.

Good luck.

blue

 

[Fenshae]

Thank you, everyone, so much for the advice, encouragement, support, etc., it means a lot to me

I have explored a little bit with online roleplay/cyber with varying degrees of successful results, but could definitely use more time figuring out/writing out my fantasies. The idea of sharing them in a relationship is frankly a bit scary, because I have bad enough luck with relationships without throwing in that extra bit of kink, but it's something I'll just have to come to terms with.

....I've really got to start meeting more people.

Anyway, thanks again for the warm welcome, and I hope to hear more advice

 

[Netzach]

My advice is to get in a relationship where your sexual needs are being met. Even if you lose a couple of good potential relationships along the way, the pain and problems of trying to conform to sexuality that does not work for you....well let's just say it's a good thing to avoid in life. Like they said, honest and well timed, but early timed communication helps. It also takes a while to figure out your sexuality -- I certainly had minimal interest in SM at 18 and then at 21, holy cow did that rear its ugly head in a huge way. You're probably going to change more in the next 6 years than you did between the ages of 1 and 6.

I think most people, not ALL people, but MOST people are probably going to grow into their power exchange orientation during those years as well, if they have one. I still feel like I am growing into mine at 31. Sure some people are organized, together, regimented and leaderly young in life. I'm not one of those. I tend toward entropy. It doesn't make me a bad teacher or a bad example, but it doesn't lend itself toward "tranditional" notions of what a Dominant should be and do, the ones you will read all over the net. Some people NEED entropy. I tend to do well with very rigid, control-freaky subs who need their little illusions of control fucked with...so there's a place for everyone, whether you can read about it on "castlerealm" or not.

I'm going to disagree with the rest of the people here and say that a good masochist who only likes it in the bedroom is NOT that common. I define that person as someone who is able to talk about their fantasies, give equal weight to YOUR fantasies, matches up with you, and still has something in common with you to the point where you actually want to get it on with that person...it's not always easy to get a hold of. Good masochists do not outnumber lifestyle submissives or people who want to be lifestyle submissives in the BDSM community, in my findings. But they do exist.

I think your guilt feelings are normal, especially for a woman. I am all about social justice, equality, nonviolence, I agonized over the political ramifications of every male/female relationship I ever got in...I agonized over the political ramifications of every female/female relationship I ever got in. You don't hit. You don't abuse. You're an aberration if you place yourself before the people you love in any way.

You have 18 years of conditioning to get over in order to enjoy your fantasy of raping and cornering a victim. I've learned that my morality has precious little to do with my sex life, as long as everyone's a globally willing participant, even sometimes in an unwilling kind of way.

Have I been guilty over my sadism? Initially terribly. I started a very tentative careful sadist. And then I saw how happy the masos really are when you poke them with a fork, and I realized it's another way of being a giver and a lover.

 

[Never]

Fenshae:
"Sometimes I feel sick/twisted for my fantasies, even though I understand they're "normal/acceptable", and the guilt interferes with my ability to enjoy the fantasy. Any tips on alleviating some of this?"

Maybe you should spend some time figuring why your fantasies make you feel sick instead of simply deciding that anything that gets in the way of an orgasm is bad.

 

[Moleculor]

Ok, this may or may not have been mentioned somewhere in here, and coming from me, this probably isn't the world's greatest advice. I'm not exactly a shining paragon of kink expertise.

But honestly, I've found it best to start from "Kinky" and work my way out from there.

I started out trying to fit myself into a definition of top or bottom, switch or sadist. What kept hitting me in the face though was that no matter what happened, I'd always find that the definition didn't quite fit. I'm not a top, because I like the idea of a lady having her way with me. I'm not a bottom, because I hate the idea of -always- being told what to do. I'm not a switch, because so many people seem to think that means one thing or another.

So I just stick with kinky and work on finding someone who shares my individual kinks.

Best way to alleviate the guilt though? You're going to have to desensitize yourself.

 

[Stefani]

So I guess what I'm driving at here is that I have no idea how to explore this; I've seen lots of information on the 'net regarding becoming a sub, but very little regarding becoming a Dom/sadist/whatever. I don't even know the proper terminology, and I'm not even 100% sure that what I'm experiencing is even technically S&M. How do I find out if I'm really into this? And if I am, how do I go about exploring/developing it? How do I initiate when I find a partner?

Well, first things first. Find a partner. Once you're in a relationship with someone you're attracted to, it all comes down to communication. At your age, it's not easy to open up and talk about some of these things, particularly when you don't fully understand them yourself.

Once you're in a relationship, make it a fun thing. Start out light. It's not very hard to find out if your partner has submissive tendencies. You don't have to be sexual to find out. Just try giving your partner some orders, and see how they respond. Do they jump at your command, or do they give you an argument? If they are willing to do ANYthing to please you, odds are they have a submissive streak. That doesn't necessarily mean they like pain though. Still, in a very playful way, you could threaten to spank your partner, and see how they react. If they are turned off, you have your answer. If they get flustered or excited, you just slowly, and cautiously take it to the next level. Playfully slap them on the bottom while you're both fully clothed. See how they react. If you keep getting positive responses, you very slowly bring it into your intimate relationship.

I think the keys to finding a partner willing to explore all of this is, honesty, open communication, creativity, and knowing when to back off.

Something else. Some fantasies are definitely worth living out and exploring. Others are NOT. Some are best left in your head, as simply that, a fantasy. Finding out which is which, comes with time and maturity.

S.