Trying to define myself.

[gans696]

hello I'm not sure if this is the right spot of this sort of thing, but I've been reading this board for quiet a while now and figured this place would give me not so judgemental answers for my question. I'm a 21 year old male, who is straight.

Well actually the last part of my sentence is my problem really. It's really complicated. Ever since I was young, I've felt an apathy I think is the word I'm looking for, towards female characters I'd see like in comic books and stuff after they've been beaten up or in a dangerous situation. I don't know what struck a cord with me, but I'd like to pretend to be those women in those situations. Then when I started to grow and learned what sex is, then thats when my situation becomes difficult. Like most teenage boys and even admittedly now sex is always on my mind, and would do anything to fulfill those needs and desires.

Then came the day our family finally got the Internet, which of course lead to all sorts of porn. The thing I really wanted to try was this sensation called "cybersex" So I was trolling around and actually came around and found Literotica and was happy it had a chat that was free, so I snuck on lying about my age at the time and tried getting "lucky" but I wasn't having so much luck signing up as a guy, seeing females were getting a lot of attention I decided to sign on as a female instead and always had lots of luck. At first how I was going about it I was picking a girl I knew from school and was imagining her doing the things I typed out would be doing, but I found myself liking it so much that I developed an independent female personality or a couple and evolved them as time goes on.

It's just not here on Lit either or in a sexual way. More often than not when playing any sort of video game, ect where I can chose to play a female role or character, 8 out of 10 times I will pick female. I'm not completely sure why, I just feel more comfortable choosing female. Now back to the sex part. When I do come onto Lit as my female persona's I find myself getting off quiet exceptionally, sometimes when jacking off I find myself rubbing my balls as if trying to finger myself as if I were female or trying to pinch my nipples trying to make them hard.

Now the thing is, when I'm in the real world I don't find guys attractive at all, and never think of doing anything sexual with other men. Now I've been in two 3somes before with another man but only way I'm comfortable seeing another cock, even in porn is there has to be a chick involved. Even sometimes when a guy sends me a pic of their cock over my female messenger account, I can't look at it for too long before needing to close it. But at the same time, the roles and situations I can think of to put my female persona in just gets me really horny and such. So what are your guys opinion about this?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think you definitely have some transgender issues going on here. There's a huge difference between using TG impulses as a fantasy outlet and mentally and emotionally identifying as a woman full time and I couldn't say where on the spectrum you lie. I think you'd benefit from posting this in the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, trans) forum as you're more likely to get posters who have experienced the same issues.

There's also this thread in the BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, submission, masochism) Talk Forum at the moment, which you might find interesting to read as it progresses.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree. I don't think this has much to do with sex. I think you are experiencing some transgender feelings which you are having a hard time coping with. You really need to talk to a professional instead of getting internet advice from who knows where, including here.

 

[gans696]

I know I should probably seek professional help, but I can't afford it, so I figured I'd just try to get opinions here and see if what options were about this, for I'm afraid to even tell anyone else I know about this. There have been times I wondered what it's like to be a woman, and even thought about a sex change operation, but then again comes in the issue of money, and plus my Adam's apple sticks out too far and I grow facial extremely fast. Part of me wants to believe I'm just insane and have two personalities in me and the second one just happens to be female. As for cross dressing, it freaks me out really, since I am a male and my shyness and esteem wouldn't allow me to do something like that.

 

[SweetErika]

I know I should probably seek professional help, but I can't afford it, so I figured I'd just try to get opinions here and see if what options were about this, for I'm afraid to even tell anyone else I know about this. There have been times I wondered what it's like to be a woman, and even thought about a sex change operation, but then again comes in the issue of money, and plus my Adam's apple sticks out too far and I grow facial extremely fast. Part of me wants to believe I'm just insane and have two personalities in me and the second one just happens to be female. As for cross dressing, it freaks me out really, since I am a male and my shyness and esteem wouldn't allow me to do something like that.

Have you checked out the GLBT/Transgender resources in your area or the nearest larger city? I know that many GLBT and Trans groups and centers offer free or very low cost counseling, support groups, etc.

Adam's apples can be shaved down and facial hair can be removed, if transitioning is something you want to consider in the future.

As for your OP, I figure if you're not hurting anyone (like developing relationships with others who are assuming you're female and will find out you're a bio male) and it floats your boat, you're fine. There a ton of men who do the same, but just don't admit/talk about it.

There are also plenty of women who understand and love genderbenders, so don't worry about that.

 

[gans696]

thanks for the advice, I'm not sure if I would be able to 100 percent commit myself to getting a sex change if I had the money. I'm not sure at the moment, really can't put my insecurities into words right now, just unsure.

 

[human_male]

I have similar sorts of feelings and I'm confused too. I do the same with video games, I always prefer to play a female. I always thought it was because I'm the type of gamer that really has to like his character and I like women so I make her a woman.

But while watching porn I really get turned on by picturing myself as the woman too. I don't like gay porn so it's not that I just want to fuck a guy, exactly. I call it gender envy, but it's not that I want to be a woman, it's only to do with sex.

I'd be interested in developing a female persona online, but personally I'd have to be honest about it.

I assume that it's fairly common so I wouldn't worry about it if I were you unless it has an effect on your real life relationships. I'm a bit worried that it has on mine. I call myself bi, but I don't feel that's accurate. Bi means you're attracted to both, and I'm not sure I'm fully attracted to either. On the one hand I drool over women, and find them painfully gorgeous, and I'm nuts about boobs. But when it comes to sex, when I start getting turned on my fantasies usually, not always but usually, turn to being on the receiving end of sex with guys. Even though I'm not into guys. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm so inexperienced. I've been with two women, and enjoyed it but didn't get really aroused. I haven't been with a guy so I can't test that side of the theory. Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet. I hope that's it.

Normally I wouldn't let this bother me. I take an I am what I am attitude toward it. But I'm really depressed and lonely at the moment and so things like this bother me more. I feel like I'll never find fulfillment because I'm neither one thing or the other.

But you're young, you've got a lot of growing and experimenting and figuring out to do. Maybe we'll both be lucky enough to find someone we can explore this with.

I wish you well.

 

[gans696]

Hey thanks everyone for listening to my concerns and letting me get this off my chest. I know I have a lot of soul searching to do and know I won't come to an easy or quick answer but at least I'm further along than I was a couple days ago.

 

[LC_Lancer]

That is what we are here for. Good Luck.

Hey thanks everyone for listening to my concerns and letting me get this off my chest. I know I have a lot of soul searching to do and know I won't come to an easy or quick answer but at least I'm further along than I was a couple days ago.

 

[alaskabibear]

I posted this link elsewhere, but thought it might be good here too;
http://www.youth-suicide.com/gay-bisexual/links3a.htm

Some of the best info I've found on the topic of transgender and blended gender issues (and many others issues too). Hours and hours of reading of a more in-depth/scholarly nature.

 

[vortex2382]

ok well i am a female and i can tell you that my husband also uses female characters more than any. Though he does not to my knowlege fantasize sexually being a girl. he does like specifice sexual posistions. I wonder if you would be able to try these posistions to meet your fantasies better. reversing some of the traditonal positions that are female and turning them male.

 

[subwannabe]

Vortex had some interesting thoughts.

I have also been guilty in the past of having some female envy on occasion. There have been times where I sort of fantasized about being a woman and fucking everything in sight. If I were a woman I would love to take on several guys at once, having more than one in my mouth, one in my pussy, one in my ass, having many grabbing my boobs and basically getting gang banged. For me it is envy only as it seems that women have several things to their advantage sexually, particularly the ability to have orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. Not fair at all. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems easier for a woman to take on several guys at once than it does for a man to take on several women at once. You can only do so much. Good luck sorting your feelings out.