Trying something new...

[Trixareforkids]

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[Trixareforkids]

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[twelveoone]

both of these, I like very much
in took awhile to get around Clinical Trials, I actually wanted not to like it. To see writing like this makes me not want to write. It is that good.
The Kindness of Death reminds me of Plath's Daddy, with its insane insistent rhyme.

 

[LadyVer]

The first one I can relate to and can appreciate. I've never experienced a clinical, but I've thought about it, and with experiencing serious health issues, it's easier to relate to something that hits close to home or that can be transferable to other health issues. The second one I just can't relate to. I'm not sure why. Possibly because it's too minimal? I could sense the person behind the first one, but not the second.

 

[todski28]

I'm trying to write something different than my usual. I'd appreciate impressions to see if I hit my mark or not...

Clinical Trials

It got past the investigation stage,
Moved into double blinds
And now I wonder.
Am I getting the placebo
Or the real thing?
Only a week in,
I can already feel a difference.
A definite shift in my moods
For the better
All for the better.
I smile more and occasionally
Chuckle to myself.
Just because I feel
So damn good.
I am tempted to take more
Than proscribed
Just to see
Exactly how good
It could be.
I restrain myself.
I don't want to chance
Being removed from the trial
Before its natural end.

That thought
Makes my heart race.
All trials have an end.
What then?
What if I'm not
In the placebo group?
Will I be allowed
To continue taking it?
Is there enough
For me?
What about side effects?
How long before they appear?
What will they be?
Will they be worth it?
Will I be able to handle them?
If I can't get it,
Will I be able to stand
Going back to the me
I was without it?
Is that even possible
To do that
Now that I've felt
The effects of the changes?

Oh god!
I hope it's just
A placebo.

The neurosis induced by a chemical designed to make you feel better, hah addiction, addiction, addiction. I know of these things, and I felt the tension, the tug on sanity, relating from personal experiences you have pegged a train of thought than can run roughshod over your every action, let alone the crash and burn of the come down, your flow was spot on, maybe some of the questions toward the end you could mash together to try and give it a more frenetic feel?

For an experiment well Frankenstein just got hooked on a trial syrum

 

[todski28]

Blood swells
and Death smells
a challenge
Rush to room
Of dark lit gloom
Nick of time

I tried
He sighed
I tried

Smiles regained
but hope refrained
to gush
Leaky head
almost dead
Rush to gloom again

I tried
He sighed
I tried

Around the bed
on the mend
Full stop
Heart
gave way...
Made the day

I tried
He sighed
I tried

once again personal experience tinged my thoughts on this piece, I worked as an emergency response guard in a hospital and some times duties involved protecting the doctors from distraught family members, you put me back in a room where it all went wrong and well it got messy, all the doctor could say was

"i tried my best"
While the ladies partner tried to punch his face through the floor, I dislocated his shoulder and had to choke him unconscious so he would let go , man these two pieces are excellent, and weighted perfectly. Not only did I get the poem but you evoked emotional responses from me on both.

 

[Trixareforkids]

both of these, I like very much
in took awhile to get around Clinical Trials, I actually wanted not to like it. To see writing like this makes me not want to write. It is that good.
The Kindness of Death reminds me of Plath's Daddy, with its insane insistent rhyme.

Ok, now you've made me afraid to write anything else!

 

[Trixareforkids]

once again personal experience tinged my thoughts on this piece, I worked as an emergency response guard in a hospital and some times duties involved protecting the doctors from distraught family members, you put me back in a room where it all went wrong and well it got messy, all the doctor could say was

"i tried my best"
While the ladies partner tried to punch his face through the floor, I dislocated his shoulder and had to choke him unconscious so he would let go , man these two pieces are excellent, and weighted perfectly. Not only did I get the poem but you evoked emotional responses from me on both.

In all the time we spent in the hospital (7 months straight) there was only ever one doctor I actually wanted to hit. Smug SOB, if he'd just sent her for that damn CT like we asked they'd have found the leak and fixed it and she would have had her chemo/radiation and gone back to a mostly normal life...

Thank you for your impressions on both poems. Since you have some experience with both it was good to see I hit at least one of my marks with both of them.

 

[Trixareforkids]

The first one I can relate to and can appreciate. I've never experienced a clinical, but I've thought about it, and with experiencing serious health issues, it's easier to relate to something that hits close to home or that can be transferable to other health issues. The second one I just can't relate to. I'm not sure why. Possibly because it's too minimal? I could sense the person behind the first one, but not the second.

Thank you LadyVer for your impressions, it's much appreciated!

 

[Trixareforkids]

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[LadyVer]

Like button clicked.

 

[butters]

My Body

It is the container
I use to carry me
It is the canvas that
I paint with artistry
It is the roller coaster
I ride with glee
It is the raft
I ride to sea
It is the temple where
I worship imperfectly

It is not as fragile
as you seem to believe
It is not a target
for your baiting mockery
It is not a suggestion box
for your improvement scheme
It is not for you to decide
how much it should be free
It is not your plaything, unless
I choose it to be

It is MINE, and
It is NOT an apology

strong, unrepentant message suited to every living person on this planet. it has mass appeal, the 'I' becoming universally applicable to all readers..

do you really need 'baiting'? seems to me the line reads stronger without - in fact, i'd lose a few words here and there to make it (in my mind) even cleaner but that might be personal preference getting in the way more than an eye for the poem. for example:

It is not a target
for your mockery
nor a suggestion box
for your improvement scheme

i really really like the concept here, and you have me smiling about 'suggestion box'; the message in the last 2 lines kicks e-arse.

re-reading this, i wonder how much this also applies to most of our poetry - the 'body' of our writing. depends on how sure one is of their own 'voice' i guess, a surety that seems instilled in those new to the exploration (before they learn there's so much to learn) and in those who've been writing a long time. your piece has a surety about it i like.

 

[Trixareforkids]

strong, unrepentant message suited to every living person on this planet. it has mass appeal, the 'I' becoming universally applicable to all readers..

do you really need 'baiting'? seems to me the line reads stronger without - in fact, i'd lose a few words here and there to make it (in my mind) even cleaner but that might be personal preference getting in the way more than an eye for the poem. for example:

It is not a target
for your mockery
nor a suggestion box
for your improvement scheme

i really really like the concept here, and you have me smiling about 'suggestion box'; the message in the last 2 lines kicks e-arse.

re-reading this, i wonder how much this also applies to most of our poetry - the 'body' of our writing. depends on how sure one is of their own 'voice' i guess, a surety that seems instilled in those new to the exploration (before they learn there's so much to learn) and in those who've been writing a long time. your piece has a surety about it i like.

I agree with you on cleaning it up. When I go all indignant I write fast and furious and mash down the submit button without taking clear-headed look. I'll take a walk through it again and see if I can make cleaner. Thanks for the "suggestions" LOL

 

[Trixareforkids]

Way, way out there...

.....

 

[Tsotha]

I'm trying to write something different than my usual. I'd appreciate impressions to see if I hit my mark or not...

Clinical Trials

1 It got past the investigation stage,
2 Moved into double blinds
3 And now I wonder.
4 Am I getting the placebo
5 Or the real thing?
6 Only a week in,
7 I can already feel a difference.
8 A definite shift in my moods
9 For the better
10 All for the better.
11 I smile more and occasionally
12 Chuckle to myself.
13 Just because I feel
14 So damn good.
15 I am tempted to take more
16 Than proscribed
17 Just to see
18 Exactly how good
19 It could be.
20 I restrain myself.
21 I don't want to chance
22 Being removed from the trial
23 Before its natural end.

1 That thought
2 Makes my heart race.
3 All trials have an end.
4 What then?
5 What if I'm not
6 In the placebo group?
7 Will I be allowed
8 To continue taking it?
9 Is there enough
10 For me?
11 What about side effects?
12 How long before they appear?
13 What will they be?
14 Will they be worth it?
15 Will I be able to handle them?
16 If I can't get it,
17 Will I be able to stand
18 Going back to the me
19 I was without it?
20 Is that even possible
21 To do that
22 Now that I've felt
23 The effects of the changes?

1 Oh god!
2 I hope it's just
3 A placebo.

I like the poem. It flows very nicely in my mind, I think your line breaks are in the right places. Except for 1st stanza, lines 15-19, I thought those lines read awkward. I thought it was interesting how you suddenly let a few complete unbroken sentences sneak in, in the second stanza, lines 11-15. My question is: why? I thought you wanted to speed up the rhythm, make it frenetic to match the narrator's state of mind, but then it goes back to mid-sentence line breaking.

I was amused by the narrator's internal dialogue, but by line 19 in stanza 1 I knew where it was going. N is addicted, either to the drug, or to the process itself (the placebo). The second stanza just makes it absolutely clear. You could have removed the second stanza and moved directly to the third, and I think the poem would have still said the same thing. So back to our prose vs. poetry discussion, I guess. The second stanza is "unnecessary", poetry-wise, but it is meaty / entertaining, so...

 

[Magnetron]

I say drop this.

Oh god!
I hope it's just
A placebo.

The rest is golden in my book.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I say drop this.

The rest is golden in my book.

The newest Little Golden Book. Ha, in today's pill poppin' culture it would fit right in.

 

[Trixareforkids]

To all the men I've loved before

.....

 

[twelveoone]

Girl Talk

Woman, why do you read so much?
It startled a laugh from me.
To be transported I guess.
To visit other times and places
Meet people I otherwise couldn't

You need to get out more.
Get a real life.
I just shake my head.
I've been everywhere from
China to space.

Seriously, you need to meet someone.
And by someone you mean?
Oh come on! When's the last time
You got laid?
Why, last night as a matter of fact.

I laid with Bukowski on a bare mattress
That smelled of horse.
And the night before that, I laid with
Cohen in the front seat of his jeep
And the night before that I laid with
Wordsworth on a ship at sea.

Please! She said. Please get a life.

at least you had the good sense to leave out Rimbaud...
this is funny
re: the other poem
Oh god!
I hope it's just
A placebo.

my opin. it makes the poem, it turns it
now an overall crit, too often you write as if using a sledgehammer, vary the stroke, a little more dynamic range, it is the difference between the Doors and the Ramones, I assume you are familiar with the bands, I hope the analogy works.

 

[twelveoone]

strong, unrepentant message suited to every living person on this planet. it has mass appeal, the 'I' becoming universally applicable to all readers..

do you really need 'baiting'? seems to me the line reads stronger without - in fact, i'd lose a few words here and there to make it (in my mind) even cleaner but that might be personal preference getting in the way more than an eye for the poem. for example:

It is not a target
for your mockery
nor a suggestion box
for your improvement scheme

i really really like the concept here, and you have me smiling about 'suggestion box'; the message in the last 2 lines kicks e-arse.

re-reading this, i wonder how much this also applies to most of our poetry - the 'body' of our writing. depends on how sure one is of their own 'voice' i guess, a surety that seems instilled in those new to the exploration (before they learn there's so much to learn) and in those who've been writing a long time. your piece has a surety about it i like.

creative destruction as Schumpeter might say
creative destruction is the way
for that which does not destroy us
just makes us stranger
and Yeats can go fuck himself
anarchy, mere anarchy does not go far enough

sorry I got inspired

 

[pensivepoet]

It's hard to read cohen, and not come out swingin a hammer at the sound of the bell.
I hope you never lay the hammer down, i like it much.
Dickinson you're not
(thank God)
JMHO

 

[Trixareforkids]

It's hard to read cohen, and not come out swingin a hammer at the sound of the bell.
I hope you never lay the hammer down, i like it much.
Dickinson you're not
(thank God)
JMHO

Ha! Dickinson never got laid! Though she did seem to be carrying around ghosts and demons at times.

I do tend to hammer them together, but 1201 is right, I need to pull out the sand paper and smooth them after I've done that. I would prefer to be a smooth rocking chair rather than a rough hewn bench. Ha! I think that just gave me another poem, gotta go get the bones down on paper.

 

[twelveoone]

Ha! Dickinson never got laid! Though she did seem to be carrying around ghosts and demons at times.

I do tend to hammer them together, but 1201 is right, I need to pull out the sand paper and smooth them after I've done that. I would prefer to be a smooth rocking chair rather than a rough hewn bench. Ha! I think that just gave me another poem, gotta go get the bones down on paper.

funny, I don't remember it that way

Wild nights - Wild nights! (269)
By Emily Dickinson
Wild nights - Wild nights!
Were I with thee
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile - the winds -
To a Heart in port -
Done with the Compass -
Done with the Chart!

Rowing in Eden -
Ah - the Sea!
Might I but moor - tonight -
In thee!

note number, last stanza appears to have been modified

Ah- The G-spot!!!!

extra punctuation threw in for Ash?!!?

 

[Trixareforkids]

funny, I don't remember it that way

Wild nights - Wild nights! (269)
By Emily Dickinson
Wild nights - Wild nights!
Were I with thee
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile - the winds -
To a Heart in port -
Done with the Compass -
Done with the Chart!

Rowing in Eden -
Ah - the Sea!
Might I but moor - tonight -
In thee!

note number, last stanza appears to have been modified

Ah- The G-spot!!!!

extra punctuation threw in for Ash?!!?

I know she alluded to it, but I think if it ever actually happened it was one short affair and possibly why she all but locked herself in her house.

 

[twelveoone]

I know she alluded to it, but I think if it ever actually happened it was one short affair and possibly why she all but locked herself in her house.

all her candles were strange shaped and smelled funny