Trust

[seela]

I know you're completely overwhelmed and scared at the moment, but try to enjoy that feeling of being completely overwhelmed scared. It sounds twisted to enjoy it, but this is the most likely the only time you're going to feel all of this so intensely, as this is your first time.

Make sure you're safe, but remember, it's ok to feel scared. Relish it. Good luck and have fun!

 

[DVS]

Having a proper what the FUCK am I playing at moment. Why am I meeting a man older than my fuckin Dad, to fuck him for no money? (WTF?!). I usually *never* meet more than one person cos it's unsafe, but this time I'm meeting two cos somehow I've worked out this makes it safer I usually take security cos im scared of getting hurt, but cos I KNOW I'm gonna get hurt I ain't taking security. This shit is all so muddled up it's like Alice in fuckin Wonderland. I keep thinking how did I get here??

Everybody has a voice inside of them that tells them when something seems wrong. Not everybody is able to connect to it, but I think yours is probably well tuned. If you think what you're doing is not safe, back up and reschedule. Think things out and make different plans.

If the people you are meeting are honest and worth their salt, they will be willing to go along with your change. If they get pissed and decide against it for some reason, they probably weren't worth meeting in the first place. Anybody who has made connections for this type have been in your place.

They will also understand the feelings you are having and know that you need to feel safe before you can allow your submissive inner self to come out. Listen to that voice inside of you. You've done it in the past, why is now any different? The rules of limits and safety still apply. I'd also be sure that bondage isn't one of the aspects of your first play with these people. Just pretend this time around and maybe even the second time. Again, nobody should be bothered with you wanting to feel safe. Don't take any unnecessary chances. That's not part of the game.

 

[Edith_UK]

Thing is right DVS is that if I want things to be *different* then I need to fuckin change em. And i want that so badly i cant begin to tell ya, just really badly wanna feel something.

This is frightening BECAUSE I never done it before. I know how to keep myself safe working, but this ain't working, that's the whole point! So then I'm trying to think well how do normal people keep safe (normal in the loosest sense of the word lol) and I *think* I've got that right? But I mean who the fuck knows cos like I say, I'm new.

Sometimes I worry I'm stuck between two worlds: eg it's no big deal for me to meet a stranger in a hotel room, that the working side, but I ain't taking proper precautions of working. You know im *used* to taking these risks, thats normal for me, but usually more protected. But... BDSM side, I'm gonna let someone tie me up n hurt me, but have I taken proper precautions like what was advised here like with munches? No. So WTF?

Saying all that, I just have a gut feeling it'll be ok, it's just I dunno if I can trust it this time. But then Alice in Wonderland is part of the attraction.

It's a hard call this un.

 

[Licia]

Edith, I getcha. 'Tmay be from the opposite spectrum, but I getcha nonetheless.

I still wonder if the hubs truly enjoys letting me tie him up and perv him to death. Sometimes I'm sure I scare him. After 13 years of marriage there are still things I haven't acted out 'lest he go screaming into the night, never to return. :0 But still, 15 years total should be plenty of time to know someone, and, I think, trust them with your life. Innocuous blood-play cleared...knives? Eh, heh, heh, heh!

TMI? Whew, sorry. I'm back now.

How did I learn to trust? I decided to slowly let my guard down because he was smart enough to not try and control me through insipid methods. Perhaps the last isn't entirely accurate, but any control method inflicted upon me never works as planned. *shrugs* I don't know why I can't help the way I'm wired. Either that or I'm incredibly stupid for picking out something about him which is invisible and hard to describe, but I am happy.

Trust is organic in nature, methinks. To this very day the hubs and I are still learning to trust one another, and I hope it continues this way throughout our lifetimes. Scary thing, trust; it can be as big or small as life, and the biggest risk of them all.

 

[DVS]

Thing is right DVS is that if I want things to be *different* then I need to fuckin change em. And i want that so badly i cant begin to tell ya, just really badly wanna feel something.

This is frightening BECAUSE I never done it before. I know how to keep myself safe working, but this ain't working, that's the whole point! So then I'm trying to think well how do normal people keep safe (normal in the loosest sense of the word lol) and I *think* I've got that right? But I mean who the fuck knows cos like I say, I'm new.

Sometimes I worry I'm stuck between two worlds: eg it's no big deal for me to meet a stranger in a hotel room, that the working side, but I ain't taking proper precautions of working. You know im *used* to taking these risks, thats normal for me, but usually more protected. But... BDSM side, I'm gonna let someone tie me up n hurt me, but have I taken proper precautions like what was advised here like with munches? No. So WTF?

Saying all that, I just have a gut feeling it'll be ok, it's just I dunno if I can trust it this time. But then Alice in Wonderland is part of the attraction.

It's a hard call this un.

I understand what you mean when you say you feel you are between two worlds. That's how many of us feel, because BDSM is still kind of a phobia for society as a whole. Many jobs look down on such deviant activity. But, many of us are proud to be labeled perverts.

Because you are "new" to this, that is why I suggested you go slowly. No bondage at first, talk out exactly what is going to happen with your session partner, and have a way of contacting someone if things go wrong.

No, this is not rocket science, but it can be intimidating to someone who doesn't know what to expect. And you submissives have it worse than the dominants do. A newbie dominant doesn't have to worry about getting physically hurt beyond what is planned or forced into something they don't want. Sure, they are in charge of the safety in the scene, but that doesn't mean they will be good at that. That's another thing the submissive has to worry about.

I know you feel you need to do this, and I applaud you for your courage. I just want you to think before you jump and don't go too fast. Watch for your safety. It's no different than when you were working. And when you add bondage, it could be a lot worse. I know the unknown is difficult to handle and the waiting is even worse, but don't let the desire to "just get it over with" be what controls you.

Be smart and be safe. This is the beginning of something new and exciting for you. I hope it gives you all of the thrills that you expect. Just keep in mind that there's two people involved in this stuff. If you don't get what you want out of this particular session, don't say they will all be this way. If you do everything you can to make it work and the other guy isn't up to snuff, it can all be a dull time. I hope this is a great experience for you.

 

[Edith_UK]

Cheers mate. I don't feel scared anymore anyway. Don't feel nothing as usual *shrugs* We'll see how it goes tonight.

 

[Edith_UK]

Woah!

 

[seela]

Woah!

That's a good woah, right?

 

[Edith_UK]

Think it's fair to say that it was an absolute disaster, but in the nicest possible way.

He was an absolute gentleman. And the other woman was HOT as FUCK (so i found out i was bi, who knew!!!!). I totally hadn't *understood* that a submissive has to GIVE themselves. So that were fairly confusing for me cos I ripped out the cuff and collar, and he were a bit WTF, and I were a little (lot) attitudey. Shoulda given me a slap really but that ain't how it works is it.

After that I got upset like a stupid bitch and started crying all over the shop They were far sweeter than I deserved. Smoked a fag. Left, went home n ate cold pasta.

So.... fuck knows what this all means??? But hey, on the positive side I ain't dead lol.

 

[seela]

I'm sorry to hear that, I was really hoping it would have been a good whoa.

Is submitting something you wish to experience or was it what he/they wanted you to try out? Some people want to submit, some people want to be forced to submit, some people just want to experience the kinky sex and get the endorphines without any prevalent power dynamic present at all. Not one of those is better than the other, as BDSM really isn't a one size fits all deal.

Read up what Stella has said about bottoming. Maybe that's where it's at for you? Also, there are people out there, who like their women a little (a lot) attitudey.

Not being dead is definitely good!

 

[kellyz_craic]

Think it's fair to say that it was an absolute disaster, but in the nicest possible way.

He was an absolute gentleman. And the other woman was HOT as FUCK (so i found out i was bi, who knew!!!!). I totally hadn't *understood* that a submissive has to GIVE themselves. So that were fairly confusing for me cos I ripped out the cuff and collar, and he were a bit WTF, and I were a little (lot) attitudey. Shoulda given me a slap really but that ain't how it works is it.

Sounds like you're a lot more maso than you are sub. It also sounds like you maybe want to be forced, rather than to submit willingly. That's a whole different ball game and you'll have to be very careful about who you let get rough with you.

After that I got upset like a stupid bitch and started crying all over the shop They were far sweeter than I deserved. Smoked a fag. Left, went home n ate cold pasta.

So.... fuck knows what this all means??? But hey, on the positive side I ain't dead lol.

Yeah but keep playing the odds and one day you'll pull a psycho.

 

[Edith_UK]

Thanks Seela, your really sweet darlin, I appreciate it!

Can I just say........


Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went back to try again this morning (I'm nothing if not determined lol), cos I were thinking, y'know, I FELT.... STUFF (!) last night. And yerrrrrrr so THAT'S what it's about (big shiteating grin going on here ) x

 

[DVS]

Thanks Seela, your really sweet darlin, I appreciate it!

Can I just say........


Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went back to try again this morning (I'm nothing if not determined lol), cos I were thinking, y'know, I FELT.... STUFF (!) last night. And yerrrrrrr so THAT'S what it's about (big shiteating grin going on here ) x

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm glad that you experienced enough to give you a little bit of an idea of what it can be like when it works. Those people sound like nice people. Did they know anything about your being new to all of this? And did you make a big scene with your little rant? They were probably a little confused at that. But, shit happens. It will get better from here.

You said you went back? What happened then? Come on, we need the spicy details!

 

[DVS]

Sounds like you're a lot more maso than you are sub. It also sounds like you maybe want to be forced, rather than to submit willingly. That's a whole different ball game and you'll have to be very careful about who you let get rough with you. Yeah but keep playing the odds and one day you'll pull a psycho.

I'm not so sure she's a masochist, but she could be. The rest of your post is quite true, though. Everybody is different. That's why it's so difficult for us to explain things to someone new. We can't say for sure how they are going to feel, because it's such an individual thing. All we can do is give our best example of how it can be.

But the first time is always the worst. Now Edith knows a little bit of how it can be. She said the man was a gentleman and she thought the woman was hot. I think that's the best combination she could have asked for the first time. Now, if she can figure out what she needs that man to do, and if he can be that kind of dominant, she just might go over the edge a bit.

That's what you need to do, Edith. Now that you've had a taste of things, hopefully you know more about what was missing for you. I don't know the type of connection you had with those two, but if you think it's good, you might see how it goes the next time. I still say keep it slow.

 

[Edith_UK]

What exactly IS a masochist? Someone else said that too. Surely all subs are masochists?!

It were a one off last night DVS mate. She lives extremely far away (nother country). He lives not so far. But like kellz said, I can't keep playing the odds like that, plus I had to lie bout last night and that's made me feel guilty as fuck. They both read here btw, so they knew some of my backstory.

God I feel proper elated that I ain't too broken to feel stuff like a normalz!

 

[DVS]

What exactly IS a masochist? Someone else said that too. Surely all subs are masochists?!

It were a one off last night DVS mate. She lives extremely far away (nother country). He lives not so far. But like kellz said, I can't keep playing the odds like that, plus I had to lie bout last night and that's made me feel guilty as fuck. They both read here btw, so they knew some of my backstory.

God I feel proper elated that I ain't too broken to feel stuff like a normalz!

No, not all subs are masochists. Some hate the pain, but are still aroused by it and they take the pain they receive because it pleases the dominant. But, that's not all subs. Some prefer to be forced into it, maybe with bondage. And some enjoy pain as long as it's administered in a sensual or sexual way. Like everything else, everybody is different, so you can't say what any one person is going to like or dislike.

A masochist is the equal opposite to the sadist. A sadist enjoys inflicting pain just for the joy of it. A masochist enjoys receiving pain, just for the joy of it. There has to be a little bit of sadist in many doms, because inflicting pain is a part of what most of us enjoy. And there has to be a little bit of masochist in many subs, because they are consistently on the receiving end of a whip, a flogger or a spanking.

The difference between most people and a true or pure sadist or masochist is the emotional connection. A true sadist prefers not to be emotionally acquainted to his victim. The less they know about each other, the better. They are together for one purpose.

Don't try to label yourself. You will only be confused that much more. You're submissive in some way and that's all you need to know right now. But, being submissive has a lot of variables, too. I think you found that out, in your first meeting. It seems you were confused, and so were they. That's OK, because you still learned something about yourself.

The bold part above? I knew you weren't broken. Why do you think so many people find BDSM in their adult life? It's after something in their lives has stagnated and they are searching for something new.

 

[Licia]

God I feel proper elated that I ain't too broken to feel stuff like a normalz!

'Tis a journey, and I'm happy for you.

The people you were playing with sound like decent individuals, and your inclination towards honesty (which I snipped out, sorry for that) will help you realize who you really are.

G'luck and be safe.

 

[His_pet_slut]

baby steps, my friend. baby steps and you will find your way.

 

[Edith_UK]

No, not all subs are masochists. Some hate the pain, but are still aroused by it and they take the pain they receive because it pleases the dominant. But, that's not all subs. Some prefer to be forced into it, maybe with bondage. And some enjoy pain as long as it's administered in a sensual or sexual way. Like everything else, everybody is different, so you can't say what any one person is going to like or dislike.

A masochist is the equal opposite to the sadist. A sadist enjoys inflicting pain just for the joy of it. A masochist enjoys receiving pain, just for the joy of it. There has to be a little bit of sadist in many doms, because inflicting pain is a part of what most of us enjoy. And there has to be a little bit of masochist in many subs, because they are consistently on the receiving end of a whip, a flogger or a spanking.

The difference between most people and a true or pure sadist or masochist is the emotional connection. A true sadist prefers not to be emotionally acquainted to his victim. The less they know about each other, the better. They are together for one purpose.

Don't try to label yourself. You will only be confused that much more. You're submissive in some way and that's all you need to know right now. But, being submissive has a lot of variables, too. I think you found that out, in your first meeting. It seems you were confused, and so were they. That's OK, because you still learned something about yourself.

The bold part above? I knew you weren't broken. Why do you think so many people find BDSM in their adult life? It's after something in their lives has stagnated and they are searching for something new.

God I learnt SO much in them hours! In no particular order:

I love the way pain spaces me out.
Pain stops me thinking so I can feel.
I don't wanna talk or open my eyes when I'm in pain cos that spoils it.
Submission is given.
Collars are bullshit they can easily be ripped off
Floggers don't hurt as much as you'd think, flat flappy things hurt more.
Nipple clamps hurt when they come off, not when there on (if there left alone )
Being a sub is proper selfish cos you don't have to do fuk all really.
I find women fuckin HOT.
3-somes are hard cos one person is a bit left out sometimes.
Getting really pissed and taking coke n vallies is prob not a cracking idea during bdsm cos it makes one a little incoherent.
You can still smoke in some UK hotel rooms!
That pain... it's a bit moreish

 

[Shankara20]

I love the way pain spaces me out.
Indeed

Pain stops me thinking so I can feel.
Indeed indeed

I don't wanna talk or open my eyes when I'm in pain cos that spoils it.
Good plan

Submission is given.
For many it is a gift

Collars are bullshit they can easily be ripped off
There are many much better collars around, go shopping


Floggers don't hurt as much as you'd think, flat flappy things hurt more.
The right flog is the right hands are a painful delight, do not give up on all floggers yet

Nipple clamps hurt when they come off, not when there on (if there left alone )
As do clips, clothespins, etc - ready for a zipper now?

Being a sub is proper selfish cos you don't have to do fuk all really.
One need be a proper sub, or one might not keep a Dom - some say

I find women fuckin HOT.
Indeed

3-somes are hard cos one person is a bit left out sometimes.
It often helps if someone is hard in a 3-some at least of a little while

Getting really pissed and taking coke n vallies is prob not a cracking idea during bdsm cos it makes one a little incoherent.
PLEASE - drugs during DBSM is very dangerous!!!! Don't mix the two. (Shank now ready for push-back)


You can still smoke in some UK hotel rooms!
pass


That pain... it's a bit moreish
Please Sir, more!

 

[Edith_UK]

How are you a proper sub then Shankara, cos I gotta say I dint really know what to do with myself. Part of it was worrying if I done too much I'd just go into automatic pilot and take control like I was working. So I've gotta find a balance somehow.

But I don't see how a sub can do owt with they are cuffed up?

 

[Shankara20]

How are you a proper sub then Shankara, cos I gotta say I dint really know what to do with myself. Part of it was worrying if I done too much I'd just go into automatic pilot and take control like I was working. So I've gotta find a balance somehow.

But I don't see how a sub can do owt with they are cuffed up?

For many, being a sub is much more then being cuffed up. I hope some subs here might expand.

Actually what sort of sub you need to be, I hope, is sorted out between you and your Dom/Domme. There are many many ways to define these relationships. Find the identity that works best for you. Starting to trust a few players, then having experiences that help confirm, or not, what you think you know about yourself, make changes in that identity as you know more about yourself.

It can be complicated. I Top most of the time, but every so ofter I would bottom to a select sort of person. It took me fun filled years to sort it out.

I'd just go into automatic pilot and take control like I was working

not a much-loved trait in most subs....

 

[Edith_UK]

not a much-loved trait in most subs....

I doubt I'm gonna be a much loved sub.

And stick your cool smiley up your fuckin arse you pious git.

 

[Shankara20]

I doubt I'm gonna be a much loved sub.

And stick your cool smiley up your fuckin arse you pious git.

ok...

thanks


(I sorta see myself as more pompous then pious, but I will give your pov proper consideration.)

PS - it was not my intention to be preachy or "talk down" to you, if that is how I came off my apologies.

 

[JMohegan]

And stick your cool smiley up your fuckin arse you pious git.

Stick your rudeness up your ass, you little shit.

Hey, look! We rhymed. Now, let's start again.

How are you a proper sub then Shankara, cos I gotta say I dint really know what to do with myself. Part of it was worrying if I done too much I'd just go into automatic pilot and take control like I was working.

not a much-loved trait in most subs....

The notion that a sub taking control is the sub's fault always leaves me scratching my head.

It's absolutely true that deference attracts me, motivates me, turns me on, etc. But if I'm fucking or playing with someone and let her get control of the proceedings, what would that make me? I'll tell you what I think - it would make me an ineffectual D.

If the D is in control, then he/she is responsible for maintaining that control. Blaming the s for taking control is just lame.