*True Confessions*

[Guest]

venting confession

*passing time before we go out to the canyon

*picked up call from my fucking mother

*must remember to not do that anymore!!

*picked it up to wish her and my dad a happy 4th and tell my sisters and brother that I was thinking about them

*thought thats why she was calling me, yea right!

*instead was berated by insults about how stupid I can be about some things

*she has me crying at the moment

*wanted to throw in her face that I take care of my 16yr old brother during the school year because he cant be around her cause she is so fucking crazy

*wanted to throw in her face that I took him in, out of my concern for him, without thinking of the ramifications it would cause for me, things that I hold very dear, like privacy and the ability to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, without having to think about another person

*wanted to tell her that if she thinks $140 is enough "child support" a month she is fucking crazy...which just furthers my point that she is fucking crazy!!!!

*wanted to tell her that she must not think I am too fucking stupid or irresponsible if they trust me to look after him

*wanted to tell her I fucking hate her at this moment

*didnt say any of the above. didnt want to hurt her.

*wanted to tell her not to call me anymore but just cried and took it all like a wimp

*great!!! just got a message on my internet answering service from her just now

*I FUCKING HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

*knows that I should keep in mind that she has been through a lot in her life and doesnt intentionally want to hurt me. but I am being selfish at the moment.

*hates that I am often hurt by the ones I love the most

*wonders if this is why I have such problems with intimacy. knows this is part of the reason.

*feels guilty because I prefer sex that is not emotionally intimate. gets terrified when I develop feelings for a man. terrified that my love will be used and abused. thinks its much safer to keep the walls up. also knows that this is not entirely healthy...and not in my best interest. and that I am missing a lot.

*is getting better about this though. have had a few setbacks but is getting better.

*has cried after sex with someone I love and who truly loves me...not because of sadness but out of exteme joy

ok im shutting up now.

NG

 

[naughtygirl]

but I am tooooo registered!

NG

 

[Batch]

* they think I am a workaholic* love the wind and it is geting windy now
* am very uncomfortable going out to public celebrations
* hate birthdays
* actually I hate my own birthday
*hate surprises, really hate surprises
*can't wear necklaces
*love blue, green and purple
* will not drink tonight
*will go to bed by ten
* won't get on the computer, and read and read all night
*am ok with being alone today


* need a long break.....yeah....i think so........
* didn't go to an SCA demo today ...because I didn't want to wear full garb in this heat.....and it is damn hot ...102 degrees Farenheit..lololo and I lied and said I was staying home because my oldest was still feeling sick...........
* and because it was a demo it would have been like we were a side show for people to come and look at...I rather go to a war and have a closed site than do demos.....I will not be a tourist attraction.....

 

[SexyAmber]

* waves to Amber* Hi there Amber! How are you today?

Hi there Sexy! I am ok..exhausted actually ..my piss small town had it's anniversary parade..had to stand on a float in 100 degree heat and wave like I was excited..I felt like Nancy Kerrigan "WHY ME?" *laughs*

So besides sunburn and still not over my heat stroke from 2 days ago I am just dandy. Oh and also NG I can related my mother proceeded to tell me today the 10,000 things I do wrong. and I also cry after sex..often! and not from unhappiness.

I swear it's a wonder my parents even claim me as theirs but the way they think I am screw up. ohhhh "but it just because we love you honey"

EAT ME!

*laughs* aren't you glad you asked Fiesty sis

How are you?

 

[sortacurious]

I never ceases to amaze me, when reading everyone's post, I find I have so much in common with them.

NG, I felt like I was reading my own words when I read yours. I took my little (ok, so he's over a foot taller and twice as big as me) brother in when he was barely 13 yrs old. I was 22. Our mother is completely wacked, and drove me to the same anger and pain for years. He still semi-lives with me now, and he's just turned 22 himself. I never received any money for doing this. I never asked for any because she accused me of doing it because I wanted his social security survivor's benefits and trust fund. I finally had to threatedned to have her removed from my office and to get a restraining order. I didn't speak with her for two years. She crossed a line, and I found my strength to stand up to her. You will find yours, too. Until then...vent away...it eases the pressure, and we are all here to give you support.

I've been in a relationship for 10 years and I knew from the very beginning I was not in love. I was honest about this from the start. I chose this so that I wouldn't get hurt. It was safer than loving again. I can tell you, that this was probably the biggest mistake of my life. We've built a life together: me--out of not wanting to be alone, and wanting to feel loved without the risk, him--believing that he could make me be in love with him and being so possessive with the only person in his life he's ever loved. I was so wrong, I hurt everyday. I hurt for knowing that he is not happy, and for knowing that I can never be what he needs. I hurt for missing what I see everyone having, for not being able to be delirously happy like all those around me. I hurt for my brother and grandmother who love my boyfriend and would be devasted if we were to break up. I started this, thinking I was making choices for myself, and now I live a life that is false and exhaust myself everyday pretending it's all ok, just so everyone else will be happy.
My walls are still up...I wouldn't even blink if he left me, or cheated on me tomorrow. I'm safe and snug behind my barriers, and cry myself to sleep every night. I don't live alone, but I've never been so lonely.
What I'm getting at is....please, don't choice this path. Feeling all the joy and passion there is in being in love with someone is worth any risk or heartbreak. I would do it now...in a heartbeat.

 

[SexyAmber]

SC

OH how I can relate to that relationship..I am in one now that is similar...and agree ..no one get yourself in this path

 

[sortacurious]

You too, Amber? oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs you closely*

 

[1fiestyredhead]

Hi there Sexy! I am ok..exhausted actually ..my piss small town had it's anniversary parade..had to stand on a float in 100 degree heat and wave like I was excited..I felt like Nancy Kerrigan "WHY ME?" *laughs*

So besides sunburn and still not over my heat stroke from 2 days ago I am just dandy. Oh and also NG I can related my mother proceeded to tell me today the 10,000 things I do wrong. and I also cry after sex..often! and not from unhappiness.

I swear it's a wonder my parents even claim me as theirs but the way they think I am screw up. ohhhh "but it just because we love you honey"

EAT ME!

*laughs* aren't you glad you asked Fiesty sis

How are you?

I am glad I asked.... put some aloe on that burn, drink your water and go ahead and unload. Parental units are always fun aren't they.

Me, I'm ok... my mother was out of town today...lol

 

[SexyAmber]

I rarely post about my significant other because as SC put it..I have so many walls about it..I am almost in denial that I am here, with him...but she inspired me

*I have often thought "why can't you just die"*

*I almost pray he goes and finds someone else*

*I am with him simply because I don't want to hurt him*

*I don't love him, he is like a brother not a lover*

*His idea of romance is bringing home burger king*

*The idea of sex with him, literally sometimes repulses me*

*I am the only person he has ever loved this much and he loves more than anything, yet he has no idea how i need to be loved*

*I would almost prefer him to yell at me than to just be non emotional about everything*

*I have cringed when he hugged me ..many times*

*I never think about him when I am away from him*

*This relationship is a cancer to my spirit*

 

[Batch]

I

 

[SexyAmber]

Batchoohus

I am so sorry sugar *hugs and hugs SC too*

Glad your day was good Fiesty..love the new av

 

[sortacurious]

Wow! Again, it's like reading my own thoughts, Amber.
I can relate to so much of what you just said! I try not to post about my situation either, but once in awhile I feel either compelled or frustrated enough to say something, like now...and it is a relief to know that others can relate, even though I hate to think of anyone else being in this sort of relationship. I would rather be alone, than feel this way.

 

[1fiestyredhead]

Re: Batchoohus

I am so sorry sugar *hugs and hugs SC too*

Glad your day was good Fiesty..love the new av

{{{Hugs}}} to all three of you. I can relate to hating the man you're living with, but my reasons were different. Still, my heart goes out to you all.

 

[Batch]

(((((soft hugs if okay for all of your pain, okay?)))))

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Re: Batchoohus

{{{Hugs}}} to all three of you. I can relate to hating the man you're living with, but my reasons were different. Still, my heart goes out to you all.

Thanks Fiesty. You are such a sweet person.
I don't hate him, though. I care about him, and his feelings. I'm just not in love, and I resent the way he treats me. But he has his reasons, too.

 

[sortacurious]

it is okay
he is a long haul trucker and is gone for two to three weeks at a time...

(((((soft hugs if okay for all of your pain, okay?)))))

Damn, not you too, hun!

 

[1fiestyredhead]

Re: Re: Re: Batchoohus

Thanks Fiesty. You are such a sweet person.
I don't hate him, though. I care about him, and his feelings. I'm just not in love, and I resent the way he treats me. But he has his reasons, too.

aww....I understand hun, my experience is much, much different. But I still can feel for you. I think everyone deserves to have that special passionate, all encompassing love. Not that I've had it yet, but I do believe in it. I think it's magical and I hope it's out there waiting for me somewhere. And I hope it's out there for all of you too.

 

[Batch]

Originally posted by sortacurious

Damn, not you too, hun!

yep

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Batchoohus

aww....I understand hun, my experience is much, much different. But I still can feel for you. I think everyone deserves to have that special passionate, all encompassing love. Not that I've had it yet, but I do believe in it. I think it's magical and I hope it's out there waiting for me somewhere. And I hope it's out there for all of you too.

I think we all deserve it too. I believe in it, I have to, that hope for it is what keeps me going. It's definately out there, waiting for you!

I'm not sure what you're experience is...but *deep breath, big confession, here* I'm very intimidated by my boyfriend. He has told me if I ever cheated on him, he would kill me and whoever I was with, and then kill himself. I believe him. I told him five years ago that I had an affair with my ex. I couldn't live with the guilt, with out giving him his right to know the truth. He went after him, gun in hand. He went to my ex's place of work, and luckily was stopped at the door before he could do anything. But he used to stalk my ex after that, and point his rifle at him as he drove down the road. He is the 'if I can't have you no one can' kind of person. He's a struggling alcoholic that gets really mean when he's been drinking, and has let me know that he's much stronger than I am. He's recently started drinking again, sneaking it. If I were to break it off, he'd move next door to our other place. So, I would still be right under his thumb. But I got myself in this situation, and will get myself out, somehow. I do wonder why I don't hate him, after looking at the situation in black and white.

 

[jimmojr]

Hello all!

I am hoping that you had some fun and joy today!

Would hug each and everyone of you if I could!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{Hug to all}}}}}}}}}}}

Hate seeing people sad and not smiling!

I have a caretaker personality and I hurt with all of you!

 

[1fiestyredhead]

SC...I rarely go into details....familiar huh, but because your post causes me a great deal of concern I will. I spent 17 yrs. in an abusive marriage, for me, most of the abuse was emotional. Threats, veiled and open, belittling statements that made me question my self-worth, separating me from friends and family that would be supportive of me...and physical violence although not directed at me physically, but done in an effort to make me believe that it could very easily be me he hit next. I stayed all of those years thinking I was doing it for my children, never realizing the toll it was taking on them.
My failure to get out of an abusive situation ultimately led to his abuse of our daughter. That broke the cycle of fear and I got out. I so wish I'd taken the steps years earlier and saved her from going through all of that.
There are places you can go to for help....please don't stay in a relationship where your SO scares you or makes threats like that.

See, I wasn't always the fiesty one.... I've just finally let that side of me out.

 

[sortacurious]

Fiesty,
My gawd! Sounds very familiar, indeed.
I can imagine it was hard to say so much about such a painful experience. I'm feeling a little poster's remorse and a lot vulnerable for saying so much about my own. I really appreciate your concern. And I'm so glad to know that you were able to get away from that, and be strong for your children. And I'm so glad you are now The Fiesty One!!!! Seeing your post makes me very thankful that I agreed to not have children. I may feel the pangs of longing for my own child, but not in this situation.

I'm not staying in this relationship. He knows it. I've told him. I'm simply fulfilling my promises made, before finding my way safely out. I've got to be able to look myself in the mirror, and I made commitments I feel like I must keep. But the time is just about here, just a little bit longer. I will get out, and I won't be afraid to love next time. And I won't settle for less than 100% passionate, intense, all encompassing mutual love ever again.

 

[1fiestyredhead]

Fiesty,
My gawd! Sounds very familiar, indeed.
I can imagine it was hard to say so much about such a painful experience. I'm feeling a little poster's remorse and a lot vulnerable for saying so much about my own. I really appreciate your concern. And I'm so glad to know that you were able to get away from that, and be strong for your children. And I'm so glad you are now The Fiesty One!!!! Seeing your post makes me very thankful that I agreed to not have children. I may feel the pangs of longing for my own child, but not in this situation.

I'm not staying in this relationship. He knows it. I've told him. I'm simply fulfilling my promises made, before finding my way safely out. I've got to be able to look myself in the mirror, and I made commitments I feel like I must keep. But the time is just about here, just a little bit longer. I will get out, and I won't be afraid to love next time. And I won't settle for less than 100% passionate, intense, all encompassing mutual love ever again.

SC,
I'm glad you have plans to get out of the relationship. I don't like to talk about it because I feel I failed in so many ways by not being strong enough to overcome the fear.
I wish you all the best hun....

 

[naughtygirl]

Midnight confession

* just came back from the canyon, disappointed there werent fireworks there, but saw many as we drove out and back

*went with a very good friend, drove my car very fast, and listened to music very loudly

*feel so much better

*told her about this site, and how great everyone is and how I went right here to confession after phone call from mother

*told her that this is my safe place, this is the place where I share everything, things that no one knows about

*she told me she wouldnt visit here and take that away from me <hugs her for being so great>

*told her she could visit but that if she figured out who I was, that I wouldnt want to talk to her about certain things past this board

*thinks this site would be really good for her

*thinks Sorta, Batch, Amber and Fiesty are all amazing beautiful people and I feel touched to have so much support from them and to be able to share so much of myself with people who truly understand and dont just nod their head and say "I know how that feels" when they really have no fucking clue

*hopes everyone's 4th was magical and safe!

NG

 

[naded]

* is very very drunk and has no idea why he wasn't pulled over.

* safe, home, going to bed

* very drunk

* oh man am I drunk

* happy to bre going to bed, night allll