*True Confessions*

[naughtygirl]

Hi Liza *kiss*

 

[Freya]

*had an awesome steak dinner last night*

*is so totally happy for Wintermute!!!!*

*glad all the girls are smiling this morning*

*found out that sometimes things I say, people actually listen to and take heart*

*moved to a new level with my "friend" last night, found out we are and can be just friends even if it gets physical......glad he finally figured it out after so long because it's all I ever wanted from him*

*was not with the person I wanted to be with last night....found myself thinking of him during the MOST inconvenient times*

*wishes I had the money for a trip to the US*

*is planning on having a good day today, now that, thankfully, I gave my own self a kick in the ass and got my smile back*

*sends hugs to all of you....big ones to Amber*

 

[Batch]

morning confessing

slow walk into the empty confessional......sees there is a goodly sized couch....and flops down.......she begins talking to the air.....
* forgive for I have sinned........

* i have stayed away from here for a bit.......
* have stayed away from thoughts of ...him the him....here......am getting control of that.working..........hard.......but I fear I will go seek him out and sit near and just look at him...........and smile in my heart that I can see him.........
* I confess that my rl lover hasn't replied to my emails or voice mails...so I cut my throat there........not sure about this area..is gray...will I continue or just let it slip farther away from me....and allow the loneliness to fill me......
* i confess that I hate this month of July.....Grace's death and
and
and
and
and his.....my L......gone......oh
* and never will I go to that river again...nor touch another kayak.....
* hard thinking.......
hard to let it out.....
*i confess that I have allowed my self to not do anything that we used to do together............
no rock climbing......no kayaking.....nothing dangerous......no fast driving...there is no one to race any more..i don't drive fast....
* i retreated into the shelter of this boring existance........
i drive a sensible car
i sold the jeep after his death
gave our Harleys away.........to good friends who take care of them
i burned the kayak that held him trapped him beneath the waters
he was such a vital and healthy.....friend, lover....friend
has it been ten or twenty years?
i don't know.......
Had a Guiness Stout for him the other day.......
drove out to a rock out in the desert and shared a drink with my partner.......maybe his ghost....he is always near.......
* i confess that I moved to the desert because the green lushness of Georgia..was too alive
and now I tuck this away.......and
my soulmate
that man.......
that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.....he lived well..he was smiling and happy ..doing what he loved above all else......on his river......dancing there ..laughing........that is how I see him..........things happen.....who would have thought that he would have gotten stuck there and not being able to get loose
* i confess that it is here in my heart where the pain remains......
* i am half
* i am reduced
* am less then for the loss
* i stopped living
* am a ghost.....
she stands
shaking
and leaves
an full bottle of Guiness Stout.......cold.....beads of moisture forming on the sides.........
it is going to be a good day
walks out with her back straight
and tears funing down her face

 

[SexyAmber]

Today

*comes in singing "who let the dogs out"*

*Reads the confessionals and declares last night the night of 1000 orgasms, does a lil gettin jiggy wit it dance* nah nah nah

*kisses to everyone who said they are happy for me*

*has become very close with Freya...find out we feel the same when we fall for someone here...knows we will both be just fine we are just passionate*

*is happy for her and someone and hugs her*

*is happy for everyone that had some good lovin' last night*

*hugs SE, has missed her*

*is doing some match making (wiggles da brows) in SC's direction*

*wishes she could hold Batch and tell her that everything will work out and that she is a very special person*

*high fives her big brother, happy for him*

*is happy for her slave sister liza and has come to find out what a wonderful person she is*

*pissed at Jewelz hubby for calling her beautiful...that is MY name for her* hehe *is very happy Jewelz is being treated right*

*welcomes OceanBaby*

 

[Freya]

Re: morning confessing

slow walk into the empty confessional......sees there is a goodly sized couch....and flops down.......she begins talking to the air.....
* forgive for I have sinned........

* i have stayed away from here for a bit.......
* have stayed away from thoughts of ...him the him....here......am getting control of that.working..........hard.......but I fear I will go seek him out and sit near and just look at him...........and smile in my heart that I can see him.........
* I confess that my rl lover hasn't replied to my emails or voice mails...so I cut my throat there........not sure about this area..is gray...will I continue or just let it slip farther away from me....and allow the loneliness to fill me......
* i confess that I hate this month of July.....Grace's death and
and
and
and
and his.....my L......gone......oh
* and never will I go to that river again...nor touch another kayak.....
* hard thinking.......
hard to let it out.....
*i confess that I have allowed my self to not do anything that we used to do together............
no rock climbing......no kayaking.....nothing dangerous......no fast driving...there is no one to race any more..i don't drive fast....
* i retreated into the shelter of this boring existance........
i drive a sensible car
i sold the jeep after his death
gave our Harleys away.........to good friends who take care of them
i burned the kayak that held him trapped him beneath the waters
he was such a vital and healthy.....friend, lover....friend
has it been ten or twenty years?
i don't know.......
Had a Guiness Stout for him the other day.......
drove out to a rock out in the desert and shared a drink with my partner.......maybe his ghost....he is always near.......
* i confess that I moved to the desert because the green lushness of Georgia..was too alive
and now I tuck this away.......and
my soulmate
that man.......
that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.....he lived well..he was smiling and happy ..doing what he loved above all else......on his river......dancing there ..laughing........that is how I see him..........things happen.....who would have thought that he would have gotten stuck there and not being able to get loose
* i confess that it is here in my heart where the pain remains......
* i am half
* i am reduced
* am less then for the loss
* i stopped living
* am a ghost.....
she stands
shaking
and leaves
an full bottle of Guiness Stout.......cold.....beads of moisture forming on the sides.........
it is going to be a good day
walks out with her back straight
and tears funing down her face

Oh God Batch. Now I understand the sadness......you poor thing. My thoughts are with you.

*hugs*

 

[SexyAmber]

Confessions about him..

*he is amazing in bed*

*he can be so romantic at times, the things he says and does*

*is content just holding me sometimes too*

*covers his eyes* ...*he makes this lil whimper noise when he cums that makes me about faint*

*he is going to spank me for the above*

*his voice makes my entire body tremble*

*he has the cutest laugh*

*I am not scared anymore like I was the first time we were together because I know he won't hurt me now*

*I love when he says he is addicted to me*

*I woke up thinking of him...and already miss him*

*I would give up forever to touch him*

*I always wonder what he is doing, is he smiling, is he happy*

*he said he thinks of me every minute*

*did I say how cute he is*

*I love his full name...sexy sexy*

*whatever he wants, I want it too, solely because it makes him happy*

-hugs all-

 

[Freya]

Confessions about him..

*he is amazing in bed*

*he can be so romantic at times, the things he says and does*

*is content just holding me sometimes too*

*covers his eyes* ...*he makes this lil whimper noise when he cums that makes me about faint*

*he is going to spank me for the above*

*his voice makes my entire body tremble*

*he has the cutest laugh*

*I am not scared anymore like I was the first time we were together because I know he won't hurt me now*

*I love when he says he is addicted to me*

*I woke up thinking of him...and already miss him*

*I would give up forever to touch him*

*I always wonder what he is doing, is he smiling, is he happy*

*he said he thinks of me every minute*

*did I say how cute he is*

*I love his full name...sexy sexy*

*whatever he wants, I want it too, solely because it makes him happy*

-hugs all-

Whoo hoo!

*is so happy for Amber and Matt. Even if I don't know him...he makes Amber smile and for that I say....He rocks!*

 

[naughtygirl]

ok totally hogging the confession this morning...

*trying to reason with myself, feeling panicked, feeling like I should run

*mind is reeling, reasons to run jumping all over me right now

*being hurt by O. popping in my brain

*O. was my first true love, the first person I trusted and told about my abuse, first person I loved in all ways

*O. used that after we split up...we slept together a year after, while he was engaged, long story short...a friend of his fiance found out about us and 1. told me that he was engaged and 2. told her that we slept together...i did not know that he had just gotten engaged 2 days before we slept together!!!!!!

*to save his slimy ass, he told her that I was crazy because I was sexually abused, and that I hate men, and that I lied about us sleeping together 'cause I couldnt handle that we werent together anymore and that he was going to marry her

*he called me to confront me in front of her on the phone, when I was crying hysterically and asking "why are you doing this to me????" he whispered "Im sorry" and then when she was within earshot apparently in the room told me out loud that I was crazy and that I need to move on with my life

*he told all of our mutual friends about MY MY MY abuse, only 2 other people knew at that point...MY SECRET TO TELL, NOT HIS!

*never felt like those "friends" looked at me the same again, felt like I had a big stamp on my forehead that said "crazy person", felt like EVERYONE knew

*wondered how bad was I; that he could do that to me

*always felt like I was crazy as a kid, thought the things that were done to me couldnt have possibly really have been done

*felt more violated by O. at that time than anything Harold ever did to me

*when I think back on that, it still hurts my heart horribly to this day

*one of my biggest, deepest hurts of my lifetime. more hurtful to me than what Harold did even

*makes me scared to really talk to a man, or many people or friends

*makes me scared to reveal what I really feel or think to any of my everyday friends

*am a master of putting on a mask and being funny when I am really hurting inside, got lots of practice for 13 years before I started to really deal with it....and kept that practice alive when I was with K.

*knows I am healthy now and have dealt with all of this crap for the most part....but it rears its ugly head when I am faced with real feelings for a man

*relationship with K. reinforced that I still had more work to do...and I did it....but still gets worried about my judgement of men

*being FULLY -- emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually -- INVOLVED in a HEALTHY relationship seems to be my last hurdle, hopefully I will get there one day, its what I want more than anything....its what I am scared of more than anything

ok im done spewing....feel better now.

NG

 

[Batch]

ok totally hogging the confession this morning...

*trying to reason with myself, feeling panicked, feeling like I should run

*mind is reeling, reasons to run jumping all over me right now

*being hurt by O. popping in my brain

*O. was my first true love, the first person I trusted and told about my abuse, first person I loved in all ways

*O. used that after we split up...we slept together a year after, while he was engaged, long story short...a friend of his fiance found out about us and 1. told me that he was engaged and 2. told her that we slept together...i did not know that he had just gotten engaged 2 days before we slept together!!!!!!

*to save his slimy ass, he told her that I was crazy because I was sexually abused, and that I hate men, and that I lied about us sleeping together 'cause I couldnt handle that we werent together anymore and that he was going to marry her

*he called me to confront me in front of her on the phone, when I was crying hysterically and asking "why are you doing this to me????" he whispered "Im sorry" and then when she was within earshot apparently in the room told me out loud that I was crazy and that I need to move on with my life

*he told all of our mutual friends about MY MY MY abuse, only 2 other people knew at that point...MY SECRET TO TELL, NOT HIS!

*never felt like those "friends" looked at me the same again, felt like I had a big stamp on my forehead that said "crazy person", felt like EVERYONE knew

*wondered how bad was I; that he could do that to me

*always felt like I was crazy as a kid, thought the things that were done to me couldnt have possibly really have been done

*felt more violated by O. at that time than anything Harold ever did to me

*when I think back on that, it still hurts my heart horribly to this day

*one of my biggest, deepest hurts of my lifetime. more hurtful to me than what Harold did even

*makes me scared to really talk to a man, or many people or friends

*makes me scared to reveal what I really feel or think to any of my everyday friends

*am a master of putting on a mask and being funny when I am really hurting inside, got lots of practice for 13 years before I started to really deal with it....and kept that practice alive when I was with K.

*knows I am healthy now and have dealt with all of this crap for the most part....but it rears its ugly head when I am faced with real feelings for a man

*relationship with K. reinforced that I still had more work to do...and I did it....but still gets worried about my judgement of men

*being FULLY -- emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually -- INVOLVED in a HEALTHY relationship seems to be my last hurdle, hopefully I will get there one day, its what I want more than anything....its what I am scared of more than anything

ok im done spewing....feel better now.

NG

You are not hogging the confessional
safe hug?
pain changes us
that bastards violation has changed you.....fucker I would like to beat the crap out of him for betraying you and for telling your story without permission..because it is yours .it will always be yours.........remember that.it makes you who you are......Luv.....
you aren't crazy
when someone betrays like that is marks you and lasts so long.......trust is a hard thing to regain........
you ae strong and you will make it.......
Sweet NG......
keep with on spweing and hurling all the ugliness out of you....letting it go from you........
k?

 

[Freya]

"*wondered how bad was I; that he could do that to me "

That's how bad he is hunny, not anything to do with you.

 

[Wintermute]

*am a master of putting on a mask and being funny when I am really hurting inside, got lots of practice for 13 years before I started to really deal with it....and kept that practice alive when I was with K.

I can totally relate to this. I'm a master (or used to be) of masking my true feelings, hiding behind a cloak of humor and sarcasm. I'd stay up late just to cry so no one would see me.

 

[naughtygirl]

You are not hogging the confessional
safe hug?
pain changes us
that bastards violation has changed you.....fucker I would like to beat the crap out of him for betraying you and for telling your story without permission..because it is yours .it will always be yours.........remember that.it makes you who you are......Luv.....
you aren't crazy
when someone betrays like that is marks you and lasts so long.......trust is a hard thing to regain........
you ae strong and you will make it.......
Sweet NG......
keep with on spweing and hurling all the ugliness out of you....letting it go from you........
k?

Thanks Batch for you wise words. Just feel like a freak sometimes, you know? Just wish I could really feel one good thing and enjoy it without being completely panicked and wanting to run the other way. *hugs Batch* thanks sweetie, I do feel better, I will be fine.

 

[Batch]

Thanks Batch for you wise words. Just feel like a freak sometimes, you know? Just wish I could really feel one good thing and enjoy it without being completely panicked and wanting to run the other way. *hugs Batch* thanks sweetie, I do feel better, I will be fine.

there is a book...for adult survivors of child sexual abuse that is my bible....The Courage to Heal: A guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse..........if you don't already have it.....you might want to take a look at it............if only if you ae ready........it is a hard book.......lots of hard things in it.............

 

[naughtygirl]

"*wondered how bad was I; that he could do that to me "

That's how bad he is hunny, not anything to do with you.

yes I know this all now. took me a long time to know this. but I know it. I left out that 1 year after I graduated college, and was living in NYC, he called my mother, asking for my number...he told her he needed to apologize to me....my mom called, i told her to get his number and I would call him, needed to confront him.

I called him, shaking, scared...he told me that he had called to make "amends"....he was an alcoholic, divorced from the girl he was engaged to when we hooked up, and had lost his teaching job due to his alcoholism...and that one of the steps was to make amends....I let him apologize and listened to him tell me I was the best thing he ever had and he was sooooooo sorry that he did what he did....and then I confronted him, told him he was scum of the earth, that he didnt deserve my forgiveness, that what he did to me was 20x more painful than anything physical Harold had ever done to me. and then I hung up. It felt good....

The funny thing is he didnt drink when we were together in college, no drinking, no drugs, said his only vice was sex. and then he becomes an alcoholic?????

LOL K. also called me after I moved here to Lubbock to say he was sorry a year after I was down here. My best friend laughs and says why do they call and apologize years later? LOL I dont know. but quite frankly I wish there wasnt a reason for either of them to call and apologoze for anything.

Thanks Freya baby. *kisses*

 

[naughtygirl]

there is a book...for adult survivors of child sexual abuse that is my bible....The Courage to Heal: A guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse..........if you don't already have it.....you might want to take a look at it............if only if you ae ready........it is a hard book.......lots of hard things in it.............

Yes, Batch LOL I know the book well. Have worked through the whole thing, its a really hard thing to do....did that along with 12 years of individual therapy and 2 years of group that I stopped going to last year. I have done the work. and I know Im ok. Just needed to get some of my crap out this morning so I dont let it get in the way of trying to enjoy something really really good in my life right now.

 

[naughtygirl]

I can totally relate to this. I'm a master (or used to be) of masking my true feelings, hiding behind a cloak of humor and sarcasm. I'd stay up late just to cry so no one would see me.

Awww Winter...you are a great great man. *kiss*

 

[Batch]

Yes, Batch LOL I know the book well. Have worked through the whole thing, its a really hard thing to do....did that along with 12 years of individual therapy and 2 years of group that I stopped going to last year. I have done the work. and I know Im ok. Just needed to get some of my crap out this morning so I dont let it get in the way of trying to enjoy something really really good in my life right now.

LOLOLOLO
oh tha is rich!
good deal!!!!!

 

[Freya]

Ya know...we are some TOUGH fucking broads on here.....and men too! Spew shit early in the day, get it out of our systems and then smile and move on!

This thread is the best idea ever!

*hugs to all the girls and guys, and especially the ones in pain*

 

[Wintermute]

Awww Winter...you are a great great man. *kiss*

No, not really. I'm just a man. But I will happilly return the kiss .

 

[naughtygirl]

ok guys, Im heading back to bed for some sleep...have only slept about 3 hours, could use a few more.

Thanks for listening as always. and I really am ok. You guys know this is my safe place, where I can really really talk about things. and I love you guys for putting up with the up-down sides of me. I dont want to freak on this wonderful guy and start being a bitch to push him away cause I am scared, I want to get it out of me, so I dont let it get in the way. I want to enjoy that I can share with him, I want to enjoy whatever is in store for us whether it be friendship or more. I dont want my shit to get in the way of enjoying it. because then my assholes of my world are still winning. so thats what I was doing this morning....spewing some ugliness out of me, to keep me beautiful, to keep my experiences beautiful and not tainted.

*throws lots of kisses to my beautiful loving confessional friends*

you guys are much better than some shrink any day!

NG

 

[Batch]

Ya know...we are some TOUGH fucking broads on here.....and men too! Spew shit early in the day, get it out of our systems and then smile and move on!

This thread is the best idea ever!

*hugs to all the girls and guys, and especially the ones in pain*

I am a tough Chick.....broad reminds me of my ass..lololololo

 

[Batch]

ok guys, Im heading back to bed for some sleep...have only slept about 3 hours, could use a few more.



*throws lots of kisses to my beautiful loving confessional friends*

you guys are much better than some shrink any day!

NG

Have some lovely dreams....rest well

 

[Wintermute]

Ya know...we are some TOUGH fucking broads on here.....and men too! Spew shit early in the day, get it out of our systems and then smile and move on!

This thread is the best idea ever!

*hugs to all the girls and guys, and especially the ones in pain*

Yup! There is strength to be had in admitting your weaknesses and your faults.

 

[redelicious]

I am a tough Chick.....broad reminds me of my ass..lololololo

You are a tough chick, but it breaks my heart what you have had to endure . . .

{{Batch}}

 

[redelicious]

ok guys, Im heading back to bed for some sleep...have only slept about 3 hours, could use a few more.

Thanks for listening as always. and I really am ok. You guys know this is my safe place, where I can really really talk about things. and I love you guys for putting up with the up-down sides of me. I dont want to freak on this wonderful guy and start being a bitch to push him away cause I am scared, I want to get it out of me, so I dont let it get in the way. I want to enjoy that I can share with him, I want to enjoy whatever is in store for us whether it be friendship or more. I dont want my shit to get in the way of enjoying it. because then my assholes of my world are still winning. so thats what I was doing this morning....spewing some ugliness out of me, to keep me beautiful, to keep my experiences beautiful and not tainted.

*throws lots of kisses to my beautiful loving confessional friends*

you guys are much better than some shrink any day!

NG

{{NG}}

We are always here to listen . . .