Trouble cumming please help

[Littleme]

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and although we enjoy a great relationship we have a problem that I am hoping someone will be able to help us with.
When we have intercourse he finds it very difficult to cum, he is excited, hard (and claims that he is enjoying himself) but just cannot seem to cross 'that' line. He has only managed to have an orgasm inside me a dozen or so times since we started having sex. He has told me that he has always had this problem, even with other partners.
When we have intercourse; after I am satisfied either I will give him oral or masturbate him to orgasm, or sometimes he masturbates himself - all of which still take a long time for him to reach his peak (up to 45 minutes).
We went to a doctor (about 5 years ago) who said that he was perfectly healthy he then referred us to a specalist. The only thing he did was to test his teseterone levels - which even though they were normal he gave my husband a few teseterone injections which made no change at all. Now my husband is against visiting another doctor.
I have tried not to make big deal out of this because I do not want to give him the feeling that he is not a 'man'.....he can be slightly sensitive about it.
He doesn't drink, take drugs (and is not on any prescription drugs either) and only smokes a few cigarettes a day. He is not depressed nor does he suffer from any form of anxiety (except for when he can't cum!).
We have talked about this and I know that it upsets him, I would really like to help him. I also have a lot of feelings that he is secretly not attracted to me (although he says otherwise), it is getting to the stage that we are actually avoiding sex - and that really bothers me as we are only in our late twenties! (what does the future hold?)
Are there therapists that deal with this sort of thing??? (In Australia - the land of no therapists!) Or is there something that we could do at home ourselves? (he probably would be too embarrassed to go to theraphy).
If anyone has any ideas I would really appreciate any help.

 

[Guest]

Firstly I would like to say that I don't really have an answer to your question because I am in the same prediciment with my boyfriend. We have tried all sorts of different positions, but nothing has worked. When he masturbates he reaches orgasm quickly though, I really think it is me.
I know how you feel.

 

[Littleme]

Firstly I would like to say that I don't really have an answer to your question because I am in the same prediciment with my boyfriend. We have tried all sorts of different positions, but nothing has worked. When he masturbates he reaches orgasm quickly though, I really think it is me.
I know how you feel.

Thanks, I don't know why but I actually feel better knowing that someone else understands what it is like.
I sort of expect that people are laughing over this - you know everybody goes on about men that cum too quickly, I mean maybe people think that my husband and I should be grateful or something? Its nice to be taken seriously.

 

[LukkyKnight]

Little

I'm going to go the long way around to make my point - it's a failing of mine, I hope you can bear with me.

There's a strange thing which happens to couples who desperately want children but never seem to manage a pregnancy. Countless times once they stop focusing on it - or better yet decide it won't ever happen so they opt to adopt - all the sudden something kicks in and nature and human fertility grant them their long overdue wish.

When I was a younger man I thought there as no difference between making love and having sex, and that the whole point was orgasms. I've changed my mind, I think sex is only fun with somebody I feel some trust and affection for, and that making love includes sending cards that aren't expected and countless other 'little' gestures that re-affirm your commitment and bond. If you aren't up for doctors (can't say I blame you) then perhaps you can just play without looking for orgasms.... go get a bottle of slippery oil, strip him naked, and start rubbing at his toes and work right on past his crotch all the way to the top of his head... just enjoy each other's bodies and responses and taking time to show each other you care... if you reach a point where he can't wait to slide inside you, so be it. If not, well, enjoy the massage(s) ya know?

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Little

go get a bottle of slippery oil, strip him naked, and start rubbing at his toes and work right on past his crotch all the way to the top of his head... just enjoy each other's bodies and responses and taking time to show each other you care... if you reach a point where he can't wait to slide inside you, so be it. If not, well, enjoy the massage(s) ya know?

What he said....

The only thing I would add is that you shouldnt think about it too much. Sex is in the mind too. Relax, allow him to know that you are relaxed about it, and if you have to jerk him off,let him spray it across you body.

 

[Weird Harold]

When we have intercourse; after I am satisfied either I will give him oral or masturbate him to orgasm, or sometimes he masturbates himself - all of which still take a long time for him to reach his peak (up to 45 minutes).

This leads me to believe he has a lack of sensitivity in his penis. Couple lack of sensitivity with a long history of difficult orgasms that make him expect to have difficulty, and you get a reinforcement of the problem.

Have you tried Altoids (or other strong mint) when you give him oral? The mint oils cause increased sensitivity, enhancing the feel of your tongue and suction.

I think the mental side of his problem will be harder to overcome. Sex is mostly in the head and if he doesn't think he can come, he's not going to. Talk dirty to him and focus his mind on sex to the exclusion of all else and he'll cum much easier.

I don't know if oil of wintergreen or similar oil would be a good idea to enhance his sensitivity during intercourse, because it will also affect your vagina as well -- probably to a painful degree.

 

[nomdeplume]

Little

All of the advice above is good. The one thing that gets me going is teasing. I believe that it heightens all of your senses.
Start by dressing up for him, let him touch but only for a short while, then take it away from him. Call him at work and have a dirty conversation with him. Tell him your masterbating whilst talking to him, let him hear the vibrator.... you know all the male fantasy type stuff. You'll find it turns you on too. The secret is to keep the teasing going for as long as possible. You will find that it keeps you both in a state of sexual tension that is great. Before long you will have those dew drops of pre-come seeping from his cock, and one touch, kiss, lick or whatever will have him spurting all over you.
Ask him what his fantasies are and enact them for him.

Give that a try.

 

[Littleme]

Thanks everyone for the great advice!

I have been wondering if perhaps my husband has 'trained' his body to only cum in certain ways? I mean because he only can cum with oral or masturbation could this be because that is what his body is used to?

I was talking it over with him last night and he admitted that this problem really upsets him, but that he doesn't know what to do about it. He did say though that when we have intercourse he is trying to concentrate on pleasing me (which both you and I know is silly) instead of letting himself relax and enjoy the sensations - he also said that when I give him oral or masturbate him he knows its time to relax.....this makes me think that perhaps he has 'trained' himself to such an extent that it is the only way he can cum.

We have done all the massage and teasing that was suggested (if nothing else I am inventive!), except for the mint idea (good one, can't wait to try it!).

 

[cyndiesweet]

I think you are right about his being "trained".Pick up some self-hynosis books.Retrain his brain. It works I promise!

 

[Dynamite]

I'm deeply saddened for you two.

I have read in a magazine once that minty mouthwash was a good thing to do. It kinda warmed it or something.

Maybe he should be the one to receive the first of the foreplay. Kinda kick-start the engine for him before you get yours revved up so to speak. Some of us women take longer, maybe he just takes longer to get there.

I have also heard that smoking decreases blood flow too. Something to look into.

I hope you get this confusing problem solved. When you do find the answer remember to share your knowledge.

 

[LukkyKnight]

um...

I'm deeply saddened for you two.

I have read in a magazine once that minty mouthwash was a good thing to do. It kinda warmed it or something.

I think given that the issues are with intercourse, the mouthwash concept has limited potential. True, there are those who find the introduction of mint (a la altoids) an interesting sensation for the penis, I'm not sure I've ever heard it endorsed as a thrill to our vaginally-enabled friends. (In fact, I thought I'd recalled quite the opposite.) Can somebody (with first-hand experience?) comment on that without hijacking this thread entirely?

 

[horny_giraffe]

Littleme, I had that kind of trouble cumming with my girlfriend for a long time.

Actually, certain positions really turn me on incredibly and others don't work very well. I felt guilty because I especially seemed to have trouble coming in the "missionary position."

Some of it is undoubtably reduced sensitivity. There's a huge difference for me--for example--between wearing a condom or not. A lambskin condom seems to work better for me than latex--but that's hard to say for sure, because I found out that my lover was allergic to latex a little later. Some of it is just pressure. Paradoxically, I found that as my lover got excited she became more "open" and less tight--which tended to be less physically stimulating. But pounding a little harder seemed to do it for me, again. We experimented with a few different positions, and that helped, too. Sidesaddle, straddling her leg; from behind and legs held tight together--different things seemed to work at different times.

One thing I've heard that seems to be true for me is that most men and women need to be able to push with their legs and tense their hips, thighs and calves to come to orgasm. This basically holds true with me, which means that I can't really come to orgasm in an ordinary sitting position. I need to raise my knees like I'm bottom missionary, crouch, or stand on my tiptoes for best effect.

The combination of experimentation and plenty of foreplay ultimately did it for me.

Psychologically speaking, and probably physiologically speaking as well, I actually got too excited to orgasm at first. I tended to overheat and my skin would flush. I honestly felt like I had a fever in the 110 deg F range. I drank quarts of water, at first. Later, it helped me a lot to learn to relax.

One thing that I never expected was the degree of self-consciousness. The thing is, coming to orgasm is a very personal and very private experience. For ten or fifteen seconds during my orgasm, I am completely vulnerable. Perhaps this is more expected for a woman because of the nature of the act, but it was a little unexpected for me. I might make a funny face or fart or something, and under the best of circumstances, I give up control. I need to know that I can trust my lover not to make fun of me. Stranger yet was this realization: sex with another person is an exhibition, of sorts--it's a show for one. I actually get a little stage fright. I think of sex as being private--but total privacy would be only masturbation.

I'm sure that the idea that sex requires a lot of trust is old hat to you, so perhaps I would just concentrate on physical experimentation, but it wouldn't hurt to lower the pressure to cum. It's obviously reinforcing if he cums every time via masturbation or oral sex. But a little physical frustration at that time might be a little more helpful. I didn't cum every time, and I didn't need to.

 

[sweetpeaz321]

Lack of sensitivity could very well be it. Would he be opposed to having something (a finger, plug, vibrating bullet) in his rectum?
Having the prostate massaged really does it for some guys.

Another thought is a control issue. Pehaps he is subconciosly unable to 'let go". (this by the way is one of the biggest problems women have)
If there aren't an therapists in your area, you could try one that willwork wit you and hubby by phone.

Hypnotosism is a great idea especially if it is suggested to him that he is comfortable letting go. (and posibly feel sensatins stronger.)

 

[Littleme]

I would really like to thank everybody who has taken the time and trouble to reply to my question, I really appreciate the fact that I have somewhere now to ask those personal questions and get practical advice. Most of these questions are not the sort of thing that I am comfortable discussing with my friends or family.
I would like to extend a special thank you to Horny_Giraffe for his honesty in explaining the way it felt for him, you hit the nail right on the head and now I feel that i have a better understaing on how my husband feels.

Maybe I am putting pressure on him to cum, albiet in a round about way by helping him to cum after intercourse is finished, to tell you the truth I never thought of it that way - I always just wanted to play 'fair' by ensuring that he had as good of time as me. Perhaps it is my way of ensuring that I don't feel guilty...I often feel that he sometimes just has sex to please me; a sort of sacrifice so to speak. He tells me otherwise, I just have trouble believing it sometimes.

We will faithfully work on all the ideas presented to us!

Oh yes we have tried some prostate stimulation, but even though he enjoys it he is also uncomfortable with the idea of enjoying it if you know what I mean? We have discussed this and even though he admits that he loves it he is reluctant to let himself enjoy it too much - probably a result of his strict upbringing.

Thanks again everybody, your kindness has brought tears to my eyes.

 

[GulfCoastAquarian]

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[Guest]

Although I have a slightly different problem, I am familiar with the trauma it can create in a relationship. I have a recurring case of erectile difficulty (not dysfunction) and it is inevitable that the female partner will immediately have feelings of unattractiveness and inadequacy. It can be very traumatic, and in my case, was a major contributor towards my wife's affair and our subsequent divorce.

But a great deal of pain could have been avoided if greater lines of communication were kept open. Any time my erection would fail, she would start to cry, and I myself would feel dejected and upset, and I'd try to reassure her that it wasn't her, but to no avail. And in the long run, it was me that fell into a depression, because I felt as if I were letting her down.

I still haven't seen a doctor about it, because everytime I plan to go, the problem goes away and I'm fine. But the painful memories remain. Don't let your problems just go unspoken. Talk about them. Tell him that you feel unattractive, if he doesn't do enough to make sure you feel otherwise. Don't let it build into something that will come between you and push you apart. =(

I understand where you are coming from here, my bf has aslo had erection difficulties and as a woman it is awfully hard not to think that it is me. We are conditioned to believe that men will always have an erection if they are aroused, but I have learnt that it isn't always the case. I still have trouble sometimes and worry that he doesn't find me attractive but I'm working on it.

 

[Golden]

Little Me you are obviously not alone!

I often "fail" to come inside.

Sometimes the vagina isnt tight enough - a hand around the base while we make love can do the trick; or if Mrs golden has over indulged in one of HER favourites - masturbating her clit with the head on my penis - then the head gets too sensitive; or I may have held back till she came and then not been able to get back to where I was; or I may want hard and fast strokes which really are best done by hand. Or I may need to shjift to get tension in buttocks and calves ...

Basically - I think you to need to relax and not make an issue of it. After all, you are getting a lot of good, long, slow, gentle screwing most women would die for!

But I agree at some point you have to bring him off just so you can go to sleep or get on with the day!

Try anal fingers; try holding the base of his penis while he is inside you - sounds awkward but actually it is easy.

Also try masturbating him until he's about to come and then get him inside.. one way to do this is: sit facing each other, knees up, legs apartm pussy and penis touching ... now lie back with pillows to prop you; edge close so his penis can reach your pussy lips; now masturbate him by hand and also rubbing the sensitive underside of the shaft and head against your pussy; make him watch as this will really excite him; when he is ready, slip him inside to finish him off.

If he doesn't come that way, then come round to my place, 'cos I will!

good luck

Golden

 

[GulfCoastAquarian]

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[Guest]

I have the same problem, or should I say that my husband and I have the same problem. We try not to dwell on it too much, but there is a certain stigma attatched to it - the man feels that he is a failer, and the woman doesn't feel attractive. Both of these statements are not true and even though we both know that; it is hard not to let it get us down sometimes.

We tried theraphy, but the therapist was a joke - the joke was on us obviously - its a pity because I think with the right therapist maybe some improvement could come about, but he won't even consider it now.

Littleme, you are not alone and neither is your husband. As you can see by all of the replies to your question other couples also know what you and your boyfriend are going through. All I can say is hang in there, sex while its important isn't everything in a relationship.

 

[Batgirl]

My heart goes out to you guys.

Littleme, please try and understand that this does not mean that your partner isn't sexually attracted to you. Discuss your fears with him, tell him honestly how you feel.

 

[Golden]

another suggestion - Littleme - don't take him inside until you have come; take yours by mouth or by hand and then let him enter in his favourite positionl; he'll be turned on by your orgasm, and he won't have any need to slow up or reposition to avoid coming before you do, that should liberate him, and also free you to focus on his pleasure.

But most of all, relax and relax.

 

[Guest]

I too have difficulity reaching orgasm. It has nothing to do with my partner, as I have had multiple partners and have had the same problem. My current girlfriend and I have not discussed it, but I know it bothers her. I have no problem masturbating, but can't seem to cum when I'm inside her. It may be because of a fear of commitment, but I have to think of someone else to cum. I am very turned on by her, and have no problem cumming in her mouth. What really worries me is that we plan to get married early next year, and although I can cum in quick succession in her mouth, I can't seem to push myself over the edge while making love. I just want to re-iterate that it has nothing to do with the woman!

 

[Batgirl]

I too have difficulity reaching orgasm. It has nothing to do with my partner, as I have had multiple partners and have had the same problem. My current girlfriend and I have not discussed it, but I know it bothers her. I have no problem masturbating, but can't seem to cum when I'm inside her. It may be because of a fear of commitment, but I have to think of someone else to cum. I am very turned on by her, and have no problem cumming in her mouth. What really worries me is that we plan to get married early next year, and although I can cum in quick succession in her mouth, I can't seem to push myself over the edge while making love. I just want to re-iterate that it has nothing to do with the woman!

Because you said that you know that this bothers your girlfriend it is important that you have an honest talk with her BEFORE you are married. As you can see by some of the posts many of the women blame themselves, please talk to her about it or it could snowball into a major problem later in your relationship. Bring it out into the open, let her know that you are attracted to her.