Transparency as it relates to D/s

alexanna

Really Experienced
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Aug 2, 2007
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I am looking for any information on the concept of Transparency in D/s. I understand it to be the idea that the pyl is expected to make available and inform their PYL of what they feel and are thinking at any given time when expected by the PYL.

I have done quite a bit of searching but have been unable to find very much information.

I tend to be the type of person who tries to do/be whatever I think my SO wants me to do\be, which ends up leading to a lot of misunderstanding and resentment when I decide their expectations were unreasonable. This happens often because I am also extremely opinionated and independent. I can't maintain the silent obedience to the commands I was never issued for very long before I start to rebel. I understand this is problematic on several levels, transparency being only one of them but it is the biggest one I need to work on as my husband and I begin our D/s adventures :)

If anyone has any links\articles I would be very interested. Thank you in advance.
 
Communication, Communication, Communication.. Find out what his expectations are up front and then talk about it frequently afterwards. That way you don't have to try to guess at or be what he wants, you'll know.
 
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I don't see the problem being that you are opiniated and independent but more so you have not reached a place in your life where you feel strong enough to be you and not hide behind the facade another might provide you with. It isn't always easy to say 'I like xyz, I don't like abc, and this is why'...and possibly open yourself to some of those likes and dislikes changing through personal growth and extension of knowledge more so than tokenistic pretending to be someone you think another wants you to be. In short, find out who you are before you start expecting a partner to react to and treat you as an individual with their own personality and needs. People are not mind readers, nor is it easy to read a person who is not sure themselves who they are...add in the element of D/s and it could be an explosive disaster.

Catalina:catroar:
 
I completely agree with you and this is something I have been working very hard on. My husband does not tell me who to be because he likes me the individual, its why he married me, but I have in the past kept things from him for fear of disapproval in addition to trying to be things I *think* he wants. If I was embarking on this with some other Dom I would agree I may not be ready and it could be very dangerous but I have no concerns about doing so with my husband. The formalization of D/s is a way for us to acknowledge my own personality trait of wanting to please my SO (something that has been a source of shame in the past) and deal with it but he is also very aware that in addition to this I am a free spirit and have a pretty low threshold of silent obedience before I begin to feel opressed. The difference is now I actually feel more free to express myself to him and because he now knows of my submissive tendencies he is actually more careful about dishing out his disapproval rather than less.

I am still very interested in the concept of transparency in D/s if anyone has any links or articles but perhaps there aren't any.
 
There are two rules I live by in my M/s relationship; obedience and transparency. Not always easy to do when you let yourself get in the way of giving those thoughts to your dominant. ;)

I have recently been struggling with transparency and just had to complete a punishment (writing assignment) for my lack of transparency, where I tired to control a particular situation that was not mine to control.

Communication is the key of course. There also has to be trust so that you feel safe and understood when you do turn over your thoughts and feelings. I often use journaling as a stepping stone to talking face to face. It is especially useful when I am struggling with something and can't easily find the words to express it directly.

The book SlaveCraft by Guy Baldwin has an interesting chapter on transparency that you might enjoy. On page 95 he says, “I crave to be owned, body, mind, heart, and soul.” That is true for me and for many submissives I think. However, it seems that the mind is the one area we struggle over the most in letting go and giving to our dominant. It's all a process that takes time. :)
 
Communication is the key of course. There also has to be trust so that you feel safe and understood when you do turn over your thoughts and feelings. I often use journaling as a stepping stone to talking face to face. It is especially useful when I am struggling with something and can't easily find the words to express it directly.

The book SlaveCraft by Guy Baldwin has an interesting chapter on transparency that you might enjoy. On page 95 he says, “I crave to be owned, body, mind, heart, and soul.” That is true for me and for many submissives I think. However, it seems that the mind is the one area we struggle over the most in letting go and giving to our dominant. It's all a process that takes time. :)

Thank you for the advice. I have thought about starting a journal and I think it will be a necessity for us. It will help me to share my black moods with him that I am so prone to hide and feel ashamed of. I have what many would think of as a picture perfect life, caring husband, beautiful children, successful career. I often don't feel I have a right to be unhappy but I often am.

I'll talk to him about this as well as purchase the book you suggested. It sounds interesting and will give me something to do. Its hard to have a proper sub frenzy when you are recovering from a hysterectomy, among other things, and have 4 kids to make Christmas for.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!
 
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