Top Secret: THE RETROSEXUAL CODE

[minsue]

I did have a whole list of 'Retrosexual Women' things, but lit ate it. I'm going to try and remember a few:

A retrosexual woman knows how to change a car wheel and unblock a drain but is more than willing to have her boyfriend do it because after all, why do the work yourself when someone else is more than willing to do it for you?

A retrosexual woman knows what all of the items for sale at the cosmetics counter are, but doesn't necessarily use them all at the same time.

A retrosexual woman knows what she wants from sex and isn't afraid to go out and get it.

A retrosexual woman knows how to use her power drill equally as well as her hairdryer.

A retrosexual woman doesn't take self defence classes because they're liberating or emancipating, she takes them because she wants to know how to kick the shit out of people.

There were more, but I forget them now.

No, you can't stop there! These are PERFECT!

 

[fifty5]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Top Secret: THE RETROSEXUAL CODE

Depends on male or female my friend BUTT pretty aure I used castration effect oh - diss ------ CUM up with something as hard as the women on this post and - then - then we'll . . . . . . . TALK.

Shit Charley... spell it right and I might understand! <growl!>

(Hard enough? )

f5

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

fifty5,

You just hit 100! Congratulations!

Now the entire Lit world is waiting to find out what AV you'll pick.

Oh, I could just plotz with excitement.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[CharleyH]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Top Secret: THE RETROSEXUAL CODE

Shit Charley... spell it right and I might understand! <growl!>

(Hard enough? )

f5

lol - TOO hard without spellcheck - ouch.

 

[fifty5]

fifty5,

You just hit 100! Congratulations!

Now the entire Lit world is waiting to find out what AV you'll pick.

Oh, I could just plotz with excitement.

Rumple Foreskin

Hope you plotzed good (well?), Rumple...

f5

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Hope you plotzed good (well?), Rumple...

f5

Truth be told, at my age it's about all I do-do well, so to speak. Nice beard. I had one once. Didn't look as sharp. In fact, the most favorable comment was that I resembled a mangy buffalo.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[on_a_hill_in_nc]

Greetings,

A friend sent this to me. I thought the AH Irregulars would want to be alerted and might wish to make comments or additions.

Rumple Foreskin
--

Subject: Retrosexuality
Author: Unknown

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.


The Retrosexual Code:

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy > or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc. etc.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. (Wherever it lands IS where he damn well wanted it to land.)

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

--

To these, the Rumple unit adds these addendums, and caveats:

There are two exceptions to the rule that Retrosexuals do not cry at movie. IF alone and IF at home, a tear, two at the max, may be shed if the Retrosexual is watching “Old Yeller” get shot or a sports star die, as in, “Brian’s Song.” (note: John Wayne getting plugged in “Sands of Iwo Jima does not qualify. Everybody knows the Duke was just faking.)

Retrosexuals do not eat raw Japanese fish bait, unless it’s part of a survival exercise.

And like Real Men, Retrosexuals don’t eat quiche. EVER!

Black

A Retroseual is a friend of all wildlife. He will feed them to sustain
their growth. Then, If he feels he needs wild meat to sustain
himself,he will take what he needs,and only what it takes to keep
his lifestyle going on. Thank You,on_a_hill_in_nc

 

[fifty5]

Truth be told, at my age it's about all I do-do well, so to speak.

That reminds me of the joke about the owls:

Old owl to young owl : You know, the only thing my mind does well these days, is boggle...

Far better as a cartoon, but I can't draw (well enough or fast enough to make it worth starting...)

Thanks for the nice words about my fungus. It is, of course, camouflage...



f5