Top-opolis

[Marquis]

I understand the position I put him in and I was prepared for a polite put down. I hadn't even really come over to talk about MY bipolar disorder as much as bipolar disorder in general. My father is a math professor, I could just imagine him politely refusing to talk about fractals or derive the quadratic equation at a cocktail party.

"I'm sorry, I've had a few drinks and if I mix up my variables you could go home and use the wrong formula on your financial regression equation and I could be sued!"

The manner in which he did it bugged me, but the point of the story was never to evaluate what happened. It is abridged for example, and perhaps you would see it differently if you heard it in length, perhaps not. Regardless, the story was about the feelings I go through when trying to get help. I can't say I care to talk too much more on the topic.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sexual Selfishness

When I look deep within; I see a total, toddler level sexual selfishness and preoccupation with my own pleasure to the exclusion of that of others.

This sometimes feels like the most perverse thing about me. Really, I am not into anything especially odd or different; other than liking to hit women. And I really think that the main reason I like to hit them, is that you can only fuck so hard. After a point the expression of aggressiveness has to spill over into something else. But we are taught that sexuality is a two-way street and that everything must be even. I was reading the Joy Of Sex as soon as I was old enough to be perving. (Young).

My thoughts on sexual selfishness are manifold. On one hand, when I have been with someone who allowed the expression of that side of me, it felt like the most natural , relaxed and perfect thing in the world. Having had that in the past makes it hard to find anything comparable. The three-year old with the crown does not desire to be dethroned, no way. Waa-a-aa-h!

On the other hand, I am quite capable of giving pleasure if I desire to do so and these days, the stubborn internal imperative to focus on my own desires feels like a self-damaging trait. After all we are living in a world of caring and sharing. I have given pleasure many times and enjoyed it a great deal, and some of the most intense and intimate moments I can remember come from this.

And yet and yet. I feel wise, battle-scarred, full of knowledge about how people work and how relationships work, and my wisdom somehow does not conflict with that desire to make myself the focus of everything. Well, I am contradicting myself. Ok, it does and it does not. Thus my desire to remain alone, inviolate, masturbation my only friend. Masturbation always does what I want it to do.

Something in me rebels at the notion of sex being a two way street. Rebels deeply. Perhaps the consequences of this, are that I must be resigned to a life of solo wankery. However, the other option seems false. There may be a way to reconcile, I have not found it.

What trips me out is that, my intellect tells me, "the older and wiser you are, the more you will care and share" and the opposite seems to be coming true on libido level. This makes me fear that I am reverting to a perverse unabomber level of sexual misanthropy and autistic introversion.

No doubt this is all but the thesis to an invisible antithesis that will all resolve on a higher level.

These are my thoughts on sexual selfishness today. That is all.

 

[Marquis]

I've begun reading your story, The Sucking of a Jew, and I found much of what you just said apparent from your story.

I just deleted a much longer post, but there are many things that would only be cheapened by their being spelled out.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Make sure you read the companion piece as well, for balance.

The story you refer to was largely written "in inspiration", bursts of words right from the guts, that seemed to me to be dictated by a highrer voice--wholesale blocks of prose. Thus, it does indeed provide a pretty good insight into this topic.

 

[Netzach]

Re: Sexual Selfishness

When I look deep within; I see a total, toddler level sexual selfishness and preoccupation with my own pleasure to the exclusion of that of others.

This sometimes feels like the most perverse thing about me. Really, I am not into anything especially odd or different; other than liking to hit women. And I really think that the main reason I like to hit them, is that you can only fuck so hard. After a point the expression of aggressiveness has to spill over into something else. But we are taught that sexuality is a two-way street and that everything must be even. I was reading the Joy Of Sex as soon as I was old enough to be perving. (Young).

My thoughts on sexual selfishness are manifold. On one hand, when I have been with someone who allowed the expression of that side of me, it felt like the most natural , relaxed and perfect thing in the world. Having had that in the past makes it hard to find anything comparable. The three-year old with the crown does not desire to be dethroned, no way. Waa-a-aa-h!

On the other hand, I am quite capable of giving pleasure if I desire to do so and these days, the stubborn internal imperative to focus on my own desires feels like a self-damaging trait. After all we are living in a world of caring and sharing. I have given pleasure many times and enjoyed it a great deal, and some of the most intense and intimate moments I can remember come from this.

And yet and yet. I feel wise, battle-scarred, full of knowledge about how people work and how relationships work, and my wisdom somehow does not conflict with that desire to make myself the focus of everything. Well, I am contradicting myself. Ok, it does and it does not. Thus my desire to remain alone, inviolate, masturbation my only friend. Masturbation always does what I want it to do.

Something in me rebels at the notion of sex being a two way street. Rebels deeply. Perhaps the consequences of this, are that I must be resigned to a life of solo wankery. However, the other option seems false. There may be a way to reconcile, I have not found it.

What trips me out is that, my intellect tells me, "the older and wiser you are, the more you will care and share" and the opposite seems to be coming true on libido level. This makes me fear that I am reverting to a perverse unabomber level of sexual misanthropy and autistic introversion.

No doubt this is all but the thesis to an invisible antithesis that will all resolve on a higher level.

These are my thoughts on sexual selfishness today. That is all.

It's interesting that the same caring and sharing exhortations that you're talking about are responsible for me growing up with a sense of entitlement to sexual pleasure at all. That's still a very new development in the historical timeline.

Still, the pull of sexual selfishness and masturbatory pleasures irrespective of others is a call no less wild that I also have to heed.

I consider my sexual selfishness an offshoot of only childhood, post-feminist boredom with equality as an aphrodesiac (not always a good one) , and rampant fetishism.

 

[Marquis]

Re: Re: Sexual Selfishness

... revenge for years of rejection and ridicule at the hands of females who I offered kindness to and saw me as nothing but the nice guy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'll take that one step farther, N. and say that TRUE selfishness must exist against a backdrop where caring and sharing are seen as the norm. And thus is only possible in modern times.

 

[Netzach]

I do have to agree with you, that SM as we know it is a very modern construct, beginning with the extreme early modernism of the enlightenment, possibly You can't call flagellation cults, Greco-Roman slavery, or St. Theresa of Avila "BDSM" as high as the temptation may sometimes run. You have a very good point.

What Marquis says, seems to further your assertion. Before there was never pressure to be "a nice guy" ergo, no huge transgression in failing to be one.

Women's handling of men who are not openly assholes is a problematic little juggernaut for me. Often "nice guys" are filled with hidden agendas, they are carefully boobie trapped pieces of candy. Not always, but often. I am good at telling when the meat is poison and when it's ok to pounce, but I know it will be a nice guy who can break my heart.

They are the only type of men I can tolerate, can find attractive - it's the wiring. I never was attracted to the assertive male archetype with only grit and determination - Rhett Butler and John Galt...blah, snooze. Nor was the mild and sappy foil for such characters of interest to me, either. It was the heroine, with all her pluck and complexity, her desire for powerful conquest and her complicated subjectivity, her endless endurance of suffering for love.... that *I* wanted.

I am very suceptible to the "nice guy" who is merely more effective at hiding his stuff than other men. However, the boredom with which women react to the nice guy archetype makes me blame women overall when they encounter assholes. I mean, the guy is wearing a sign that says 'I'm a selfish prick" and you are crying in your beer to me because he's being...a selfish prick?

I don't mind viewing sex as a 2 way street as long as A) someone gets hurt and B) that someone is not me.

 

[evesdream]

i suppose it was here or the general board

Andrea Dworkin has died. May she rage on from the other side.

Susie Bright eulogized her here:

http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html

 

[rosco rathbone]

Andrea Dworkin has died. May she rage on from the other side.

Susie Bright eulogized her here:

http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html

She was an honorable straw man for my sexual rage. RIP Andrea Dworkin.

 

[Netzach]

Big old needed bump

 

[Marquis]

Big old needed bump

 

[Netzach]

I want to kick someone or something.

I got ditched by the ex and his new gf, who I like. It wasn't a stood up kind of ditched, but a "oh shit we forgot we had to do this" kind of thing.

That's fine in normal life, but in post-sickie life, putting on good pants and taking a long shower and grooming fastidiously is hard work and a lot of energy. Sure I could have gone myself, but I would have eaten a turkey sandwich or something else I simply am not allowed to have.

So I stayed in and fretted and now I want to beat someone really hard purely as stress relief.

M just got home.

Lucky him.

I am NOT politically correct tonight.

 

[Marquis]

Sometimes I think I feel like I'm being so goddamned PC that my nuts are getting sucked up into my abdomen.

 

[Etoile]

Sometimes I think I feel like I'm being so goddamned PC that my nuts are getting sucked up into my abdomen.

Speaking of that - are you a roller coaster fan? I have heard that the nuts will retract up into the body when a guy goes on a roller coaster, like a defense mechanism or something. Is this true?

 

[Marquis]

Speaking of that - are you a roller coaster fan? I have heard that the nuts will retract up into the body when a guy goes on a roller coaster, like a defense mechanism or something. Is this true?

Hmm, I do like roller coasters but haven't had the chance to be on one in a while. When I think about it, I do imagine my nuts might retract during any kind of intensely fearful situation however.

 

[TaintedB]

I read something cool about male plumbing in the National Equirer today (I know, I know, I KNOW--really, I know) This was the sex-advice column and they said that during bareback sex a woman absorbs some of the male semen into her bloodstream and it gives her "feel good" chemicals, lol!

 

[Netzach]

I read something cool about male plumbing in the National Equirer today (I know, I know, I KNOW--really, I know) This was the sex-advice column and they said that during bareback sex a woman absorbs some of the male semen into her bloodstream and it gives her "feel good" chemicals, lol!

before you know it there will be cum-huffers wandering the street.

 

[Marquis]

I've heard that before.

I think it might've been born as a tactic to convince your girl to let you beat it raw.

 

[TaintedB]

before you know it there will be cum-huffers wandering the street.

LOLOL! What a great image that is.

Marquis is probably right, it sounds like an old horny guy's tale although now I am curious and want to try to find a scientific basis for it.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Speaking of that - are you a roller coaster fan? I have heard that the nuts will retract up into the body when a guy goes on a roller coaster, like a defense mechanism or something. Is this true?

My nuts retract when I'm on the slippery slope to orgasm; during self-stimulation. It's painful. I usually hold onto them to keep it from happening. Perhaps I am afraid of ejaculation.

 

[Killishandra]

LOLOL! What a great image that is.

Marquis is probably right, it sounds like an old horny guy's tale although now I am curious and want to try to find a scientific basis for it.

I've heard that before too. Can't remember the source, but I seem to remember it being some sort of study on the moods of women after sex. One group used condoms, the other group didn't. Supposedly the group without condoms absorbed certain chemicals from the jism that elicited feelings of happiness and overall good-mood.

If you find "proof" online to back it up I'd be interested in reading it. I told Marquis about that study a while back.

 

[TaintedB]

Ok, I found something:

http://health.yahoo.com/health/centers/sexual_health/2345

I also found this weird and un-related link, but it's interesting so I'll post it:
http://www.nine3.com/Magic.html

 

[catalina_francisco]

I want to kick someone or something.

I got ditched by the ex and his new gf, who I like. It wasn't a stood up kind of ditched, but a "oh shit we forgot we had to do this" kind of thing.

That's fine in normal life, but in post-sickie life, putting on good pants and taking a long shower and grooming fastidiously is hard work and a lot of energy. Sure I could have gone myself, but I would have eaten a turkey sandwich or something else I simply am not allowed to have.

So I stayed in and fretted and now I want to beat someone really hard purely as stress relief.

M just got home.

Lucky him.

I am NOT politically correct tonight.

Stuff PC!!! They obviously have no taste or class to let you down and I am sure M appreciates providing some needed stress relief.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Stuff PC!!! They obviously have no taste or class to let you down and I am sure M appreciates providing some needed stress relief.

Catalina

What I learned last night...

I don't have "beat really hard" in me physically.

However I did spank his ass the *minute* he got through the door and instead of whining about not now or I just drove 5 hours or my head hurts he dropped like a rock and yes Maam'ed me just perfectly.

I must do this more often.