Too much?

[UnseenChagrin]

I am a very inquisitive person by nature. I ask a lot of questions, especially when I first meet someone. I love getting to know people, but for me that means asking them rather than waiting for them to tell me. Sometimes I wonder if I ask too much too fast, but I am the type of person that says/asks something when it comes to my mind. I don't like to hold thoughts in and I don't like to wait. I'm incredibly impatient.

A lot of my male friends have told me that they prefer women who are outgoing and interested in what they have to say. They like women that aren't afraid to speak their mind. Why then does it seem like I scare guys off with my questioning?

I try not to get too personal too fast, but I like good conversations. For me, it's important to know someone's favorite color or music (favorite things say a lot about a person) but it's equally important for me to know if they have an intellect. Why does it seem like people just want idle chit-chat? I just don't understand.

 

[Dbtk44]

I can't possibly see why asking questions and showing an interest in someone would scare guys off.....heck I kinda LIKE when people ask question; makes me feel like they're actually interested in what I like or feel or have to say!

Nothing wrong with wanting to get to know someone and doing the legwork to achieve that....you actually maybe have to wonder about the people who DON'T want to share this info with you.

Just my $.02

 

[abiamarie]

Me neither.

 

[sevine67]

Don't see it

I can't see what harm asking questions could be? As long as turn about it fair play, I see no harm in it, nor would I be *scared* off by such a person. Quite the opposite for me personally, the thing that tends to scare me off is long quiet pauses with a new person. They are talking and I always feel I should attempt to bring up conversation. When you've known one another for a while, a long pause while enjoying the wonderment of a mountain or the majesty of the ocean, is enjoyable, but when just meeting someone, conversation is really the only path I can think of really getting to know someone. You, by asking the question just smooth that path some.

again... just personal opinion.

 

[UnseenChagrin]

Ok maybe I just have the habit of finding all the freaks of the world

Curious though... do you think asking about religious, ethical, or philosophical beliefs is too much?

 

[sevine67]

Religion on the first date?

Well you might be asking for it a little bit with those types of questions... definiately something you have to sneak up on with those topics. Never would I consider asking someone about religion, on a first outting... unless it was totally unavoidable. I've met alot of people and asked alot of questions myself and find that many people aren't big on those more difficult questions. Especially if there belief is what would be considered *unpopular*. Even if your just curious, the idea could come to mind that you are trying to pry into there thoughts and that it might open up them to attack.

Sensitive stuff I try to keep away from, unless I get one of those quiet moments

 

[UnseenChagrin]

For me, those are incredibly important to know about someone. They're right up there with knowing if someone is clean or not. Something I want to know within the first week or so (most guys don't last more than a day or two...)

I can understand the first or second meetings.. but after that I think it's fair game to ask

 

[Lust Engine]

Asking is fine. Whether they're willing to pony up all that information could be tricky. As long as it doesn't come across like an inquisition or a grand jury probe, I'm usually pretty open, but then to each their own.

 

[emer]

views and values

Ok maybe I just have the habit of finding all the freaks of the world

Curious though... do you think asking about religious, ethical, or philosophical beliefs is too much?

Definitely not, if those are important to you, and you are searching for a mate. I've had great "dates" with guys I would never imagine marrying because of differences in core beliefs. But they were still fun to date ... and once we opened up the debates were a lot of fun.

You can find out about someones political or religious views at a slant, without being confrontational. Just had a conversation with a coworker of a close friend. We were talking about favorite books and authors when he walked up. I was saying how much I loved fantasy and was awed by my daughters ability to read the same books, and discuss with me, and how she loved to write fantasy stories and poetry. He said something about most fantasy having "too much nonsense about the occult" ... With some prompting he finally admitted that he didn't allow his children to read the Harry Potter books. Holy Shit!!!

My rambling point is this ... you don't have to ask point blank questions about "what do you believe" ... just bring up topics of interest and see what side he leans to.

He may be undecided and not sure what to say, not wanting to seem unimformed, or he really "digs" you and doesn't want to say something wrong ... i've been there, haven't most of us.

Bottom line, don't change things about yourself just to make a good impression,

good luck,
emer

 

[flawed_ethics]

Sometimes people are insecure about specific issues, and asking a question remotely close to it can trigger an unwanted defense in them. If you were to ask me "Do you have a girlfriend?", I'd probably try to keep my distance from you because I've been without a girl for sometime now, and it's bugging me out. Just an example.

Getting to know people - tricky business.

 

[UnseenChagrin]

Lately I've been wondering why I even bother trying to get to know a guy. Every guy I've met in the past couple years just about seems interested for the first day and then blows me off after 2 or 3 days. I just give up after that. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and not put in any effort at all. Why bother asking questions if they're just gonna blow me off?

Fortunately I'm not that type of person and I'll just keep asking my questions until I can find the guy that can answer them to my satisfaction. I have actually found such a guy but he's getting married in July (damn my luck!). It's still great to talk with him though. It's rare to find intelligent guys that also have such a high sex drive that don't come off too strong on either end of the spectrum. I tend to find really smart guys come off as overly smart and really horny guys come off as well, really horny. I like moderation.

 

[Void]

Don't change who you are for anyone.. Be as inquisitive as you want just don't do all the talking. If he doesn't like it then move on.

 

[SexyChele]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking questions of another person you want to be involved with and even initiating discussions. But there is a time and a place and a way to do such things.

I used to have a roommate who simply said the first thing or asked the first question that came to mind. It was a bit unsettling for me at first, because I felt she was prying into my personal life or just being nosey. I finally learned to tell her, "It's none of your business," or "I reserve the right not to answer that right now." She accepted that, and we got along great! But she would do the same thing with men, and it came across as "bossy", "domineering", and "overbearing." Most men were very put off by her questions without seeming thought. To them, anyway. To her way of thinking, she was simply cutting to the chase. (She wasn't one for idle chit-chat, either. A person either had something to say or they didn't, period.)

She would meet lots of men, but few would stick around, and this frustrated her as well. When she asked me for my advice, I suggested she either space out her "fact finding" or try to find a different way to get the other person to tell her what she wanted to know. (Emer has some good thoughts on this!)

Also, something that I consider very, very important is how comfortable a person can be with silence. There are times when I simply won't talk just to see what the "air" feels like. If the guy gets uptight, it could spell problems. If he feels comfortable, perhaps reaching for my hand and just holding it, then he's a keeper.

I would suggest looking at how you ask questions - could it be considered confrontational? Does it sound as if you are spoiling for a fight? Does the guy in question want to cuddle rather than argue philosphy? Mutual respect for each other's temperment can go a long way.

Don't change who you are. Look to see if there are things that can be less intimidating to others. (This is what it sounds like to me, but then I really don't know you so take it with a grain of salt.)

 

[UnseenChagrin]

Thanks for the advice guys I will definately take better note of my actions and try to discern what it is I need to work on without completely changing who I am

 

[ma_guy]

One item to add to SexyChele's comments aboutt the way you ask the questions that play into things too. If you are asking to many questions to quickly they may feel like they are being given a test instead of you exploring their thoughts/ideas to find out about them.

 

[lovechild27]

People have different comfort zones. You may be comfy spilling everything at once while others arent...thats all.

 

[DuckLover]

Try this...

I agree 100% that you should not change any of your core beliefs-- Polonius said it best in 'Hamlet'; "This above all: To thine own self be true" [I,iii]

As for asking questions, the key is HOW you ask. Perhaps agree to a game in which you're both giving info-- 2 Truths & A Lie, I-Never, or something. Anything to prevent it from seeming like an interrogation.

If something is a critical issue for you (religion, finances, health, whatever) you should definitely get that info before investing a lot of time and energy. Just be prepared for the fact that asking those questions, particularly about sensitive issues, can lead to scaring a guy away quickly. You could even scare away someone who MIGHT have been a good Platonic friend in addition to the guys who just weren't right at all.

 

[naughtyNgentle]

Well, I must say I have the opposite of this problem!

People tend to dump me because I SAY too much! When I meet someone (especially on the net, but in real life too, only it takes a couple more meetings), I tend to tell EVERYTHING about me.

I just want to be sure that the person I take some time tot alk to will like me for what I am and not who she THINKS I am...and the best thing to do, for me, is saying everything I can about myself...when I start writing (in real life, I am more of a listener), I can t stop! lol

Of course, I m not shallow at ALL and I listen to the person I m talking to and I ask questions, I am really curious too! I just prefer to be asked questions cause I am afraid I ll get too personnals if I ask questions...since I am willing to tell all about myself, I tend to forget not everyone is like me

anyways, a LOT of people dumped me because of that. SOme dumped me because they didn t like what I had to say (my views on sex and relationships, for example). And I understand and accept that (although I LOVE talking to people that don t have the same opinions as mine..it s fuN! Why dump someone because of it?).

But most of the time, they dump me cause they sayI said too much too quickly and while there are still things to discuss, they feel like there won t be any surprises left I really don t think like that, so it s hard to swallow, but I know some people think like that. Heck, my 2 ex-gf told me that too! (but they didn t dump me because of it )

As for religious and other view points like that, I find it very important to discuss if you re looking for more than a friend. If 2 people have too different ideas, that might be a problem, so it s better to know up-front!

But even if it s just as friends, I for one think it s great to discuss those things! I am not religious and nobody will ever make me change my mind and I do NOT want anyone to change for me! But it s GREAT to be able to talk about what we each believe, why we believe those things, etc. Open mindedness isn t only for sex! We must be able to learn from others with different views and accept them! I found that the best conversations I had, was with people who disagreed vehemently with my views. Arguing while keeping an open mind is sooooo much fun!

Unfortunately, the minority of the people are like that, so you should be careful with those questions But DO ask them

 

[StevenWill]

Ask away, but listen

I can't imagine someone would be put off by questions unless they are asked in a threatening way or the answers are received critically. Conversion is a two way street. A good listener lets the person talk and receives the answer openly without criticism, seeks clarification, always shows respect for the other person's point of view and is willing to answer the same questions they ask. Some question make us uncomfortable and we should be able to say that a loud. Questions about religion, sex and politics are mind fields on the road to to intimacy and must be tackled in an atmosphere of respect. The potential for reward is substantial but you can also cut off communication and turn people away. Here are a couple of hints.

Ask open ended questions, not yes/no questions.
Say "How do you feel about such and such religious point of view?" instead of "Do you believe in God?"
Same for sex. Say "What are your feelings about masturbation?" not "Do you jerk off?"

Avoid "Why" questions. They are too threatening.
"Why do you do that"? is not really a question but a thinly disguised criticism.

I spend a lot of time talking about communication skills in the college sex course I teach because there is no doubt that communication is central to great relationships. Unfortunately, many people who think they are communicating effectively really just shoot themselves in the foot with their own machine gun rapid fire questioning techniques. There is an art to communication and it has to be learned.

Steve

 

[UnseenChagrin]

An interesting thing happened last night. Friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers and he was more inquisitve than I was. We hit it off really well. Normally I don't ask too many questions when other people are around because I don't want to create the third-wheel syndrome, but this guy (Eric) was perfectly content to ask me about how old I was, what I liked to do, etc. He was cute too It wasn't uncomfortable at all, just a new experience for me. I'm not used to not being the one asking all the questions.

So I asked my friend for his number (as he had said as we were leaving that his door was always open so stop by anytime) and I called him this afternoon. Asked if he wanted to hang out tonight and gave him my number so he could call back. We'll see what happens.

 

[asdpoi]

UnseenChagrin, i'm on your side there I think, I think it's great to meet someone then just spend ages asking questions back and forth, getting to know eachother, not only does it feel great when you find those things you 'click' with it also feel so nice to be able to properly get into someone and feel lik they are interested in you as a person and be interested in them, forget idle chit-chat, I don't like that, seems too much like, 'how are you, wanna fuck?' I like to know who i'm fucking before I go there.

Don't think you can chat too much, but then it depends on the person you're talking too, but i'm one of these peopl who see it from your point of view, so it's all down to the individual i'm sure!

 

[ESH419]

Yeah. I seem to have the oppisite problem. I'll freely talk about things like religion and all that sort of thing. I volenteer these things but it's not like i don't ask and listen in return. Of course, this seems to not help me at all. In fact, in high school it helped to make my first girlfriend decide she was going to string me along and then become a lesbian. (btw, it's not like that Seinfeild ep...it's really not a good thing to the self esteem)

But anyways. I like to talk about real things like world views and movies (me being a film student and all =P) and without intelligent conversation, there's nothing. It'd be like buying a car that had a nice paint job but no engine.

I know none of this is terribly helpful but i find it somewhat comforting that there are women out there that want both some loving AND a real person. It gives me hope that i'll actually find one of them.

~ESH419

 

[Eagle70]

Unseen,

I personally like a girl that asks questions, that wants to know more about me, about my intrests, about what i'm about. its better if you find out you have the same thoughts on topics early on in a friendship than further down the road, where those thoughts can change your opinion on that person.

Good luck with that Eric guy hun

I'll just keep right on stalking you though...cause you'ze my crush

 

[UnseenChagrin]

Unseen,

I personally like a girl that asks questions, that wants to know more about me, about my intrests, about what i'm about. its better if you find out you have the same thoughts on topics early on in a friendship than further down the road, where those thoughts can change your opinion on that person.

Good luck with that Eric guy hun

I'll just keep right on stalking you though...cause you'ze my crush

Please keep stalking. He never called.

I dunno... maybe I just can't read guys very well. The ones that seem interested really aren't. The ones that say they're interested really aren't. The ones I'm interested in aren't interested in me. Maybe I just need to lower my standards and keep my mouth shut.

 

[Cleopatra]

I ask a lot of questions also, if I'm interested in really getting to know a person, but basically, I like them to just talk. The directions they go and the degree of willingness they are to talk about themselves tells much more than me just asking them questions.

I personally won't answer a lot of questions though. I don't want to be analyzed. Unfair...yeah, I know.