Too many commas?

[If_Only_]

'With my freshly manicured hand, I lifted my short dress, pulled my thong aside, freed my rigid cock and pointed it at my two naked sisters.'


If yes, how should it be reworded?

 

[StillStunned]

Maybe lose the first one.

 

[StillStunned]

Or alternatively, chop it in two: 'With my freshly manicured hand, I lifted my short dress. Then I pulled my thong aside, freed my rigid cock and pointed it at my two naked sisters.'

 

[SimonDoom]

I would add one before "and pointed."

I would leave the first one in. Including it would be consistent with standard usage, but I think in fiction you get some leeway with comma usage.

 

[YmaOHyd]

'With my freshly manicured hand I lifted my short dress and pulled my thong aside to free my rigid cock, pointing it at my two naked sisters.'

There's a version with one, if you prefer. I think the comma after 'hand' is better than leaving it out, personally.

 

[InvisibleHarvey]

Add at least four more commas. 'Manicured' is a pretty long word; I bet you could fit at least two commas in the middle of it.

Seriously, about 80% of my editing is deleting commas and filler words.

 

[RocketGrunt]

I would finish it with ", they fight crime!"

 

[SimonDoom]

Other than adding that one comma, I like the sentence as it is. The repetitive rhythm works for me, and it makes grammatical sense because the hand links to the four verbs in the sentence.

 

[TheLobster]

Finally, a thread worthy of my attention!

I would add one before "and pointed."

I would leave the first one in. Including it would be consistent with standard usage, but I think in fiction you get some leeway with comma usage.

This man speaks the truth.

 

[crookedletter]

I think it wholly depends on what it's surrounded by. That's a long sentence with a lot of clauses. But that can work for a certain cadence of scene.

If every sentence is like that throughout the whole story it might wear thin. But if you generally vary your rhythm and the pace of your writing, and this represents a sort of ramp-up toward a climax, then it can generate a certain effect that might be appropriate for what's happening.

 

[InvisibleHarvey]

That's a long sentence with a lot of clauses.

The only subordinate clause is "[w]ith my freshly manicured hand". The other commas appear in a list.

 

[If_Only_]

I think it wholly depends on what it's surrounded by. That's a long sentence with a lot of clauses.

At that point it's a private scene in their shared bedroom. Surrounding text will outline how they got there, what prompted them to be in this situation.

 

[If_Only_]

Another variation;

'With my freshly manicured hand, I lifted the front of my short dress. As my two naked sisters looked on with obvious anticipation, I slid my lacey thong aside freeing my rigid cock and pointed the now glistening head at them.'

 

[onehitwanda]

Should it not be freshly-manicured hand?

 

[If_Only_]

Part two of the question is this.


The brother is clearly screwing his sisters and has been doing so for long enough to get the level of trust needed to play this kind of dress-up game. He's willing to do it as often as they want and even go shopping or to dinner or parties with them and maybe some of their girlfriends

But, he's dead set against any kind of MM contact and he needs to make it clear to them.


How does the writer do this without offending the typical CD crowd?


This may never see the light of publication. It's very early and very rough.

 

[InvisibleHarvey]

Another variation;

'With my freshly manicured hand, I lifted the front of my short dress. As my two naked sisters looked on with obvious anticipation, I slid my lacey thong aside freeing my rigid cock and pointed the now glistening head at them.'

This really goes to pacing, not grammar. How long do you want the reader to inhabit that moment of anticipation? More space on the page is typically going to mean more build-up.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

'With my freshly manicured hand, I lifted my short dress, pulled my thong aside, freed my rigid cock and pointed it at my two naked sisters.'


If yes, how should it be reworded?

Reworded?

"I lifted my short dress, pulled my thong aside and freed my rigid cock. My freshly-manicured nails glittered as I pointed it at my naked sisters." (I'm assuming you already told the reader the speaker has two sisters earlier in the story. If this is the opening line, you might or might not have to drop that in.)

 

[Aviastroitel]

The brother is clearly screwing his sisters and has been doing so for long enough to get the level of trust needed to play this kind of dress-up game. He's willing to do it as often as they want and even go shopping or to dinner or parties with them and maybe some of their girlfriends

IRL, I (and my siblings since we all went to Franz Kafka High) was taught (in a euphemistically named health class that 'sex was what made babies'. My classmates creatively interpreted this to mean many things did not count as 'sex'. (Oral, anal, hand-jobs, gay sex, lesbian sex ...) So, by dressing him as a girl, he's safe.

P.S. I expand this in some of my fiction by having the characters parents, minister, or teacher say "You can't have sex with a [family member]." Which the character "correctly interprets." Can't means physical impossibility, so if your brother can penetrate you it's fun ... but it doesn't count as 'sex'.

But, he's dead set against any kind of MM contact and he needs to make it clear to them.

Tell them he prefers Twix ... uh, twat ... perhaps twin twat or 2/3 triplet twat ... Sorry (I have difficulty self-censoring) .

Seriously though, if he's in drag it's no longer MM (see above).

How does the writer do this without offending the typical CD crowd?

Well, the only way to prevent inadvertently offending someone is to go live alone in some remote place.

Disclaimer: You are not bound contractually (or to a Saint Andrews Cross - unless you are currently having way more fun than I am) , so by following this advice, you agree that I am neither legally nor emotionally liable for the immediate clearing of rooms upon your arrival, or your eventual transformation into a certified Literotica pariah. Use at your own risk; my reputation is already in the gutter, and I’m not paying for your therapy.

 

[Aviastroitel]

Reworded?

"I lifted my short dress, pulled my thong aside and freed my rigid cock. My freshly-manicured nails glittered as I pointed it at my naked sisters." (I'm assuming you already told the reader the speaker has two sisters earlier in the story. If this is the opening line, you might or might not have to drop that in.)

If it's the opening line, IMHO "I pointed it at Amy and Angie, my gorgeous, naked sisters, as they stood near the pool." is smoother than saying two sisters (".... I pointed it at my two naked sisters.") PLUS, LOOK, you get to use two more commas!

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (in case you are running low)

 

[TheLobster]

Should it not be freshly-manicured hand?

That’s an adverb and adjective, two distinct words with different functions; you don’t join those with hyphens.

You’d need a hyphen if you were to make a single compound “word” that serves a singular purpose in a sentence, e.g. “She was a cute, if a bit slutty, eighteen-year-old blonde with large tits and even bigger attitude.” The ‘eighteen-year-old’ makes a single adjective, so all those hyphens are needed.

 

[IWroteThis]

That’s an adverb and adjective, two distinct words with different functions; you don’t join those with hyphens.

You’d need a hyphen if you were to make a single compound “word” that serves a singular purpose in a sentence, e.g. “She was a cute, if a bit slutty, eighteen-year-old blonde with large tits and even bigger attitude.” The ‘eighteen-year-old’ makes a single adjective, so all those hyphens are needed.

Nope. Freshly-manicured is a compound adjective describing the hand and should be hyphenated.

 

[InvisibleHarvey]

Nope. Freshly-manicured is a compound adjective describing the hand and should be hyphenated.

 

[TheLobster]

Nope. Freshly-manicured is a compound adjective describing the hand and should be hyphenated.

So you’re saying I should sign this post as:

— by Lobster, a slightly-reddish, exceedingly-suspicious forum poster

because every adverb+adjective is a compound adjective that has to be hyphenated? That might be, but it looks silly as hell.

 

[onehitwanda]

This is why English is such a stupid language and we should all speak French.

 

[BeechLeaf]

Oh lord, we're onto the ly-ed hyphenation problem. One day I'll get the motivation to add a function to the analysis program for my main writing (not this site). It will scan for pairs of words, the first ending in 'ly' and the second in 'ed'. It will also scan for single words containing the sequence 'ly-' and ending in 'ed'. Reporting on the numbers will give me a rough indicator of which I prefer.

Unfortunately that simple test can't distinguish between attributive and predicative use (I assume I would hardly ever use a hyphen in predicative), and I should also look for all the irregular past participles, which I suppose is possible because it's a list of about 150, and I can hard-code that or put them in a text file.

Once I've done all this work, I'll then (eventually) go through changing all the dispreferred ones to whatever turns out to be my preferred style. Then I'll add it my style guide so that, hopefully, I never have to worry about it again.