Too controlling...

[SweetSub87]

My Dom wants to control things in my daily life. I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet...

Obviously I am new here so I guess i should start with a little back story. I have been interested in bdsm, Dom/sub, and the whole spectrum for several years now. In the last month I became involved with a Dom who is controlling inside and outside the bedroom. He only wants me to wear what he wants, even down to makeup, nail polish, and rings. I have always been an extremely independent woman so this is a little hard for me.

I want to do what he asks and it's not hurting me in any way. I guess I just feel a little debased. I always imagined it staying in private but it seems to be encroaching on my everyday life. I just would like some advise from others who have been challenged to change in a similar way and how you felt about it and overcame the slight psychological discomfort.

 

[Lovetolisten]

24/7

I too am a very independent, "aggressive personality" in my day to day life. I am also a sub, but in the bedroom only. I wouldn't mind the occasional foray into other areas, the nail polish, underwear, etc. But that would be on days that it wouldn't make my daily life too complicated. For instance, wearing short shorts on a day I needed to be dressed more appropriately for an appointment.

It sounds like your Dom is expecting a 24/7. Did you discuss your limits before accepting? Sounds like a revisit/revise is needed, if you are that uncomfortable with it. However... a Dom pushes a subs limits to some degree, and if simply being "uncomfortable" with the degree he is pushing you is the only issue, I would say go with it and see where he takes you. You may learn more about yourself than you know

 

[Kim_Burly]

Well, speaking for myself, I want to have a man that is 100% in charge, except when I don't. But if he allows me to pick and choose, then he's not really in charge, is he. When we first met, Sir would micro-manage everything. it was annoying but, I went with it because I accepted him as my leader. He has since loosened up on a lot of the stuff, make-up is a good example. But he has stuck to his rule that I will always wear skirts or dresses, unless we are out hiking or something. Do his choices annoy the crap out of me at times? heck yes! But overall I thrive on his leadership and dominance, so I let the little stuff go, that's just me.

Maybe you only want dominance in the bedroom, whatever you do want, define it and try and find a man that matches you criteria. Just keep in mind that the "perfect" man for you is probably not out there. You will have to compromise. See disclaimer below.

 

[CutieMouse]

Quick question - is this an online arrangement or face to face?

 

[theGM26]

My Dom wants to control things in my daily life. I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet...

Obviously I am new here so I guess i should start with a little back story. I have been interested in bdsm, Dom/sub, and the whole spectrum for several years now. In the last month I became involved with a Dom who is controlling inside and outside the bedroom. He only wants me to wear what he wants, even down to makeup, nail polish, and rings. I have always been an extremely independent woman so this is a little hard for me.

I want to do what he asks and it's not hurting me in any way. I guess I just feel a little debased. I always imagined it staying in private but it seems to be encroaching on my everyday life. I just would like some advise from others who have been challenged to change in a similar way and how you felt about it and overcame the slight psychological discomfort.

Communicate with him. Tell him what you want/don't want. If he's a good Dom he will be open to it. If not well there may be something wrong with the relationship as a whole.

 

[Felonious1]

Be it one of those over-the-wire interweb relationships......or actually a face to face deal, there's a contextual difference between a truly Dominant individual of the kinky persuasion who first and foremost is in control of themselves vs a neurotic control freak who only seeks to control/micromanage others because they can't control themselves.

Either way......this is a core compatibility issue glaringly outlined by the OP. With inherit differences regarding power exchange showing up between the two parties. Communication and potential compromise is sorely needed IMO.

 

[DVS]

My Dom wants to control things in my daily life. I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet...

Obviously I am new here so I guess i should start with a little back story. I have been interested in bdsm, Dom/sub, and the whole spectrum for several years now. In the last month I became involved with a Dom who is controlling inside and outside the bedroom. He only wants me to wear what he wants, even down to makeup, nail polish, and rings. I have always been an extremely independent woman so this is a little hard for me.

I want to do what he asks and it's not hurting me in any way. I guess I just feel a little debased. I always imagined it staying in private but it seems to be encroaching on my everyday life. I just would like some advise from others who have been challenged to change in a similar way and how you felt about it and overcame the slight psychological discomfort.

Personally, I don't like this kind of thing. I want someone who is equal to me in every way, except when sex begins. Even then, I enjoy when she's spirited and acts as if she doesn't like what I'm making her do. It would be an awful lot of work for me to decide everything for her, down to what she would wear, make up and nail polish. Obviously, I wouldn't want to be a 24/7 dom.

Some people lead strong lives in their day to day life and prefer to be submissive in their sexual life. It's a counter balance that the brain does, subconsciously. For them to be a 24/7 submissive would alter that balance and also alter their way of living.

It's something you need to discuss. Do you want this to move outside of the bedroom? If not, then tell him so. But, if you are willing to give it a try, then tell him you'll give it a try, but you can't guarantee anything. Ultimately, you aren't suppose to just make him happy. You have to be happy with this, too. If it were me, I'd already know the answer.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I am in no way a 24/7 sub, however I am expected (at times) to wear specific things (or not) as my Master chooses. However if it is not practicable or appropriate, he understands and changes his requests to suit my lifestyle on that given day. (I have a job where I do have to dress a certain way on certain days and it isn't negociable!)
I am not micromanaged, it may be a case of wearing underwear of his choosing, or a specified colour of clothes, just so he is on my mind.

You need to talk, this kind of micromanagement can make you resentful, especially as it is a new relationship. Sometimes you have to ease your way in and communicate. Lots!
Tell him how you feel and why, and ask questions about the tasks he is setting for you. It is not wrong to want to understand why he is setting these tasks, and greater understanding leads to greater acceptance.

 

[SweetSub87]

This is a real life relationship. I see him about three times a week and text or email with him when we can't get together.

Based on the given advice, which I greatly appreciate, I will have a chat with him tomorrow when we are together. He is more experienced with this then I am so hopefully he can provide me with some comfort and reassurance about it. He promised me he would go slow with me from the get go and would back off whenever I needed. This sort of thing is just so much more intense then any other relationship I have been in.

I really don't mind the instructions he is giving me and what he is asking me to do, it's just that I have never fully submitted to someone like this.

For example, tonight we are going out to dinner and he has instructed me exactly what to wear, it's an outfit I would never have picked out myself so I feel a little uncomfortable with it but not enough to say no or cancel plans.

Usually I can go to my mom for relationship advise but. Thought this one had better stay personal. Lol

 

[Dyslexicea]

This is a real life relationship. I see him about three times a week and text or email with him when we can't get together.

Based on the given advice, which I greatly appreciate, I will have a chat with him tomorrow when we are together. He is more experienced with this then I am so hopefully he can provide me with some comfort and reassurance about it. He promised me he would go slow with me from the get go and would back off whenever I needed. This sort of thing is just so much more intense then any other relationship I have been in.

I really don't mind the instructions he is giving me and what he is asking me to do, it's just that I have never fully submitted to someone like this.

For example, tonight we are going out to dinner and he has instructed me exactly what to wear, it's an outfit I would never have picked out myself so I feel a little uncomfortable with it but not enough to say no or cancel plans.

Usually I can go to my mom for relationship advise but. Thought this one had better stay personal. Lol

My advice may be worthless to you, I'm not submissive by nature but I am submissive within the dynamics of my relationship, I've never had the need or desire to be submissive to anyone else. I'm not in a 24/7 D/s relationship although it's not restricted to only the bedroom nor is the bedroom restricted to BDSM only. As a matter of fact if I had to choose only BDSM or our life together outside of BDSM, BDSM would be the loser but I don't have to choose, for us they work together.

As far as her running my daily life, what I wear, where I go, who I see, who I talk to that is not about to happen but I do want to please her so at times her controlling all of that is fine. My hair is an example if I had my choice my hair would be very short, she loves my long hair, I defer to her, my hair remains long.

We're married but we date, she asks me out, she arranges for our baby sitter, she plans where we go and what we do, at times I do the same. When we go on a date I do dress to please her, I'll wear what she likes, or not wear something if that is her desire and at times the way she wants me to dress can be very sensual and what I may not be wearing very sexual. When we go out, without our children, she is in control. It works for both of us, if it didn't we'd have to negotiate.

As far as the D/s part of our relationship, which is only part of our BDSM, she fulfills my needs as much as I do hers.

One thing I would not do, assuming I hadn't already been in a relationship and was new to BDSM, we are new, is defer to a Domme just because she said she was experienced or was experienced. If your relationship doesn't work for both of you it isn't going to work no matter how experienced one person is. Make sure your Dom understands you're willing to try all the things he likes but you still have a right to say no or change things if they don't work for you.

I don't know any men who are Dom in real life but if this board is any indication of some of the Doms in the real world you need to make known you're submissive but you're not a doormat. DVS said it best you are his equal.

 

[welkin]

It depends, because as submissives sometimes it's exactly those things that make us uncomfortable that turn us on; other times, no, it's just uncomfortable and not sexy at all.

If you can frame his requests in such a way that plays to your submissive nature, then do so and you might enjoy the process of being forced and having your choices taken away from you. If not, then negotiate with him and tell him exactly what control you will and will not allow.

Just keep in mind your preferences can change over time, and you might renegotiate when you realize so in the future, be it weeks or months down the line.

Bottom line (according to me) is, we do this bdsm thing ultimately not to submit, but to get turned on. So keep this end goal in mind and decide accordingly.

 

[Dyslexicea]

It depends, because as submissives sometimes it's exactly those things that make us uncomfortable that turn us on; other times, no, it's just uncomfortable and not sexy at all.

If you can frame his requests in such a way that plays to your submissive nature, then do so and you might enjoy the process of being forced and having your choices taken away from you. If not, then negotiate with him and tell him exactly what control you will and will not allow.

Just keep in mind your preferences can change over time, and you might renegotiate when you realize so in the future, be it weeks or months down the line.

Bottom line (according to me) is, we do this bdsm thing ultimately not to submit, but to get turned on. So keep this end goal in mind and decide accordingly.

I do think without the sexual component my desire to submit would be gone but still at times just submitting can be satisfying on its own.

Other then the first few weeks for us it hasn't been a verbal renegotiation, she pushes me to go beyond my set limits, if I say no or use my safe word it ends but sometimes I find I want to go beyond my old limits which of course means a new limit. If she didn't test me I don't think I'd move ahead. I'm not sure this is the right way to go if you are in a new relationship and don't really know each other well.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might want to read the essay in my signature. One way or the other, it might help you frame your needs more clearly.

 

[SweetSub87]

I feel like I need one of those dummy books for this, 'Submission for dummy's.' Wonder if they make that. But then again I suppose it wouldn't be that helpful because every relationship is a little different and every person a little different.

I feel like at first I was having this fantasy that the Dom I have now will forever be my Dom, and from reading some more stuff on here and doing a little thinking I have come to the conclusion that I need to treat this like any other relationship that I am in. Yes, it's definitely different but what I am looking for out of it and how it affects my daily life should be the same as with someone I was dating. My Dom and I may grow apart or may decide that we aren't looking for the same thing, which happens in all types of relationships. Both of us can change, and who knows, next year i may have decided I'm not sub at all.

 

[jpin]

My Dom wants to control things in my daily life. I'm not sure if I'm up for that yet...

Obviously I am new here so I guess i should start with a little back story. I have been interested in bdsm, Dom/sub, and the whole spectrum for several years now. In the last month I became involved with a Dom who is controlling inside and outside the bedroom. He only wants me to wear what he wants, even down to makeup, nail polish, and rings. I have always been an extremely independent woman so this is a little hard for me.

I want to do what he asks and it's not hurting me in any way. I guess I just feel a little debased. I always imagined it staying in private but it seems to be encroaching on my everyday life. I just would like some advise from others who have been challenged to change in a similar way and how you felt about it and overcame the slight psychological discomfort.

In my one and only experience, when he started trying to control anything outside the bedroom, I didn't overcome my discomfort with it. I told him to stick it.

 

[rexhame317]

I have only ben submissive in the bedroom, but have seen a few Dominants that wanted certain clothes, lingerie (or lack of) time frames for contact, etc.

My current Sir (and boyfriend) has a bit more control. I have not been allowed to cut my hair, or shave my pubic hair (I was completely bare for a year) for almost 4 months. It is killing me, as I usually go short for the summer (Hair is now to my bra strap)

I need his permission to go to munches and play parties. And we are both on Fetlife. I need to get permission before friending anyone. I actually LIKE having him have some control.

As far as the bedroom, he has complete control, though I have been known to top from the bottom.