To Paraphrase Warren Zevon-- "Lawyers, Cops and Bunny, the state of network TV"
So I'm watching hoops like a good American and an ad comes on for "CSI". Then another for "The Agency". One for "JAG". My buddy said, "Are there any shows on anymore that aren't about lawyers or cops?"
A good question. I got the latest TV listing and took a look at the 4 Networks prime-time schedule. I didn't count the WB, UPN, or PAX because, well, life is too short to watch those stations (Buffy being the one exception). According to the latest Nielsen ratings hardly anyone watches ABC, either, but I guess they have to be accounted for.
The four networks run 84 hours of prime-time programming a week. After careful scientific analysis, I determined that 21 of these hours are devoted to cop and lawyer shows. A full 25% of the time we lazy slobs watch the boob tube and watch the networks we're watching people getting chewed up by various stages of our legal process.
Let's take a look at some of these shows, most of which I admit I've never seen before. You have "Law and Order", where people get murdered, and "Law and Order, Special Victims Unit", where people get raped or sodomized or otherwise molested in unspeakable ways. "Law and Order", I believe, often runs twice a week.
You have "NYPD Blue", where people get murdered and cops routinely beat the shit out of suspects, or, I should said, "perps." "The Shield" is a show where people get murdered and the cops routinely beat the shit out of suspects (perps, sorry).
There's the "X-Files". You say the show is actually science-fiction, about paranormal events and government paranoia? I say the main characters carry guns and badges. Cop show.
I classified "Third Watch" as a cop show, even though I think it's a fireman show. Is it? Who cares. Its about people with badges helping folks who are in deep shit. Cop show.
"24" is about an FBI agent. "The District" is about a police commissioner. "The Job" is about the job of being a cop. "The Agency" is about the CIA, who are technically spies, but they carry guns and try to stop the bad guys, so they're cops. "CSI" is about the crime scene folks who do all the yucky stuff with corpses and fluids to find the right perp. "Crossing Jordan" is about a pathologist who does yucky stuff with corpses and fluids to find other perps.
Do I need to explain what "Cops" is about?
Now we get to the lawyer shows. "The Guardian" is about a lawyer/junkie who helps defend kids who, I guess, need representation. "JAG" is about a lawyer who gets to wear a Navy full-dress uniform a lot and fly F-14's. "Judging Amy" is about a judge with really great hair. "Will and Grace" is about a gay lawyer whose best friend is the worst-dressed woman on Earth. "The Court" is about those wacky guys and gals on the Supreme Court. "First Monday" is about the crazy hijinks of those same madcap Justices.
"The Practice" is about a bunch of lawyers valiantly defending a wide collection of scumbags and sociopaths. "Ally McBeal" is about a bunch of lawyers who are whiny, pretentious sacks of human garbage, and hopefully will end up being examined professionaly by the folks on "CSI". "Ed" is about a laywer who owns a bowling alley. What, owning a bowling alley isn't ENOUGH?
What, you may ask, is my point? I'm not ragging on cops and lawyers, per se. Both provide valuable services to our society. Services that, God willing, we don't have to use very often. I mean, when you have to call a cop, or hire a lawyer, the shit has hit the fan.
But can't these brilliant TV writers come up with a show that relies on something other than butchered bodies and destroyed lives for dramatic tension? Finding a corpse lying in an alley is, by itself, a dramatic situation. But why such situations should be the focus of so much of our entertainment astounds me. Are there no ways to show conflict between people other than, "Who dumped the body in the street", and, "Will she go to jail for killing her abusive husband?"
And, I'm sorry, I have a problem with people who say that all this violence on TV doesn't affect people. Maybe watching "Ally McBeal" won't make you go out and kill someone (though I do feel the urge to strangle Peter MacNichol whenever I watch it) but I think it leads to an overall desensitation to violence and human misery.
I don't mean that all shows should be hugging and kissing. Many of the best shows on TV portray violence and murder and misery (The Sopranos, for example). I've heard "Law and Order" is a very good show. "Homicide" was good. But so many of these shows seem lazy about violence. It's like the corpse in the gutter is just a prop to help Jill Hennessey look gorgeous
At least there are some good, sick, warped shows out there that at least try to do something different. Like "Greg the Bunny", which debuted on Fox last week and was very funny. It'll probably be cancelled before next season.
Thus endeth the rant. We will now return to our regularly scheduled progam. Featuring a triple-homicide.
So I'm watching hoops like a good American and an ad comes on for "CSI". Then another for "The Agency". One for "JAG". My buddy said, "Are there any shows on anymore that aren't about lawyers or cops?"
A good question. I got the latest TV listing and took a look at the 4 Networks prime-time schedule. I didn't count the WB, UPN, or PAX because, well, life is too short to watch those stations (Buffy being the one exception). According to the latest Nielsen ratings hardly anyone watches ABC, either, but I guess they have to be accounted for.
The four networks run 84 hours of prime-time programming a week. After careful scientific analysis, I determined that 21 of these hours are devoted to cop and lawyer shows. A full 25% of the time we lazy slobs watch the boob tube and watch the networks we're watching people getting chewed up by various stages of our legal process.
Let's take a look at some of these shows, most of which I admit I've never seen before. You have "Law and Order", where people get murdered, and "Law and Order, Special Victims Unit", where people get raped or sodomized or otherwise molested in unspeakable ways. "Law and Order", I believe, often runs twice a week.
You have "NYPD Blue", where people get murdered and cops routinely beat the shit out of suspects, or, I should said, "perps." "The Shield" is a show where people get murdered and the cops routinely beat the shit out of suspects (perps, sorry).
There's the "X-Files". You say the show is actually science-fiction, about paranormal events and government paranoia? I say the main characters carry guns and badges. Cop show.
I classified "Third Watch" as a cop show, even though I think it's a fireman show. Is it? Who cares. Its about people with badges helping folks who are in deep shit. Cop show.
"24" is about an FBI agent. "The District" is about a police commissioner. "The Job" is about the job of being a cop. "The Agency" is about the CIA, who are technically spies, but they carry guns and try to stop the bad guys, so they're cops. "CSI" is about the crime scene folks who do all the yucky stuff with corpses and fluids to find the right perp. "Crossing Jordan" is about a pathologist who does yucky stuff with corpses and fluids to find other perps.
Do I need to explain what "Cops" is about?
Now we get to the lawyer shows. "The Guardian" is about a lawyer/junkie who helps defend kids who, I guess, need representation. "JAG" is about a lawyer who gets to wear a Navy full-dress uniform a lot and fly F-14's. "Judging Amy" is about a judge with really great hair. "Will and Grace" is about a gay lawyer whose best friend is the worst-dressed woman on Earth. "The Court" is about those wacky guys and gals on the Supreme Court. "First Monday" is about the crazy hijinks of those same madcap Justices.
"The Practice" is about a bunch of lawyers valiantly defending a wide collection of scumbags and sociopaths. "Ally McBeal" is about a bunch of lawyers who are whiny, pretentious sacks of human garbage, and hopefully will end up being examined professionaly by the folks on "CSI". "Ed" is about a laywer who owns a bowling alley. What, owning a bowling alley isn't ENOUGH?
What, you may ask, is my point? I'm not ragging on cops and lawyers, per se. Both provide valuable services to our society. Services that, God willing, we don't have to use very often. I mean, when you have to call a cop, or hire a lawyer, the shit has hit the fan.
But can't these brilliant TV writers come up with a show that relies on something other than butchered bodies and destroyed lives for dramatic tension? Finding a corpse lying in an alley is, by itself, a dramatic situation. But why such situations should be the focus of so much of our entertainment astounds me. Are there no ways to show conflict between people other than, "Who dumped the body in the street", and, "Will she go to jail for killing her abusive husband?"
And, I'm sorry, I have a problem with people who say that all this violence on TV doesn't affect people. Maybe watching "Ally McBeal" won't make you go out and kill someone (though I do feel the urge to strangle Peter MacNichol whenever I watch it) but I think it leads to an overall desensitation to violence and human misery.
I don't mean that all shows should be hugging and kissing. Many of the best shows on TV portray violence and murder and misery (The Sopranos, for example). I've heard "Law and Order" is a very good show. "Homicide" was good. But so many of these shows seem lazy about violence. It's like the corpse in the gutter is just a prop to help Jill Hennessey look gorgeous
At least there are some good, sick, warped shows out there that at least try to do something different. Like "Greg the Bunny", which debuted on Fox last week and was very funny. It'll probably be cancelled before next season.
Thus endeth the rant. We will now return to our regularly scheduled progam. Featuring a triple-homicide.
