To Make you Laugh

[MrsDeathlynx]

I'm starting this thread as a means to help people who are down smile, to help people who are crying laugh, in general to help people feel better even if it just is for a moment. Feel free to post things that will do this, it is my hopes that we can get together and come up with something at least daily...

 

[English Lady]

http://dl.victoriablisse.co.uk/untitled.bmp



(great idea for a thread btw)

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

I figured there is always someone somewhere that could use a pick me up, my friends tell me I am good at that kind of thing. So I decided 'what the heck, share the wealth'. I'll probably do varying things, sometimes pics and sometimes just funny emails that get sent to me.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Problems With Upgrading

A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

 

[i812]

Problems With Upgrading

Thanks for the belly laugh. Try open source software.

 

[starrkers]

What more do you need?

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/starrcats/cid_002901c711c83c7e73c00201a8c0pat.jpg

 

[grlnxtdoor]

Men and Women

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside.

 

[Grushenka]

Athletic = No tits

That made me laugh out loud. Also loved "Problems With Upgrading". Great thread, will check in regularly. Sorry, at present I have no submittals. Gr.

 

[rgraham666]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

Snort.

 

[deathlynx]

In a good mood already, but certainly can always use a laugh! And she grand?

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

Internet slang for mooning...

( Y )


Internet slang for flashing...

( . Y . )

Internet slang for flashing when you have your nipples pierced...

( , Y , )


I'll spare you my internet slang for hiney shake, makes more sense on IM when you can scroll up and down, lol.

 

[Stella_Omega]

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside.

Those are so funny to me, they make me wonder if I'm over-medicated!

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Montana girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

 

[lipsofanangel]

Thank goodness for threads like this when you've had a really rough week! The laughs are so very much appreciated!

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

hehe

 

[MrsDeathlynx]

6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'
and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for
breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." !!

 

[minsue]

From The Tonight Show's Headlines -

http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3293/H_3293_26.jpg

 

[Darkniciad]

If you have your mobile home depicted on your tombstone...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i296/Darkniciad/redneckheadstone4.gif

You might be a redneck.

 

[S-Des]

If you have your mobile home depicted on your tombstone...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i296/Darkniciad/redneckheadstone4.gif

You might be a redneck.

I can picture Foxworthy saying it (although he'd never use the word "depicted"...you intellectual you ).

 

[Darkniciad]

I can picture Foxworthy saying it (although he'd never use the word "depicted"...you intellectual you ).

Good point! *laugh*

Found that in a cemetary about five minutes from my house, had to snap a pic.

Here's one I posted on a few other forums about the time the movie came out. Poorly done, and not really all that funny in and of itself, but imagine the reactions on a board with overwhelming percentages of extreme homophobes. That's what was funny about this one.

http://darken.0catch.com/hotlink/trail_mix.jpg

 

[rgraham666]

A quick joke.

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[SeaCat]

Three Chinese girls are sitting around talking about their ideal husbands. The first states that she want hers to have a Dragon on his shoulder. The second nods knowingly and comments that she wants hers to have his dragon on his back. The third quietly makes the comment that she wants his draggin on the floor.

Cat

 

[nipples__mcgee]

very good

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A frenchman, and englishman and a texan were sitting around a table in a bar bragging about what great lovers they were.

The frenchman says, "I wine and dine the woman. Then I take her back to my apartment and ply her with champaigne. Then I get her naked on the bed and sprinkle her with rose pettles. The the love making drives her wild.

The Englishman says, "I take her to my favorite pub and sit back in a dark corner and whisper loving things in her ear. By the time we get to my flat, she is already for wild love making.

The Texan says, "You guys work too hard. I just rip off her dress, throw her on the bed and bang her anyway I want. When I finish, I jump up and wipe my cock on the curtains. Then she just goes totally wild."

 

[TE999]

"Friggin' in the Riggin"

It was on the good ship Venus,
By God, you should have seen us,
The figurehead
was a whore in bed,
And the mast a 40 foot penis.

*

The Captain of the schooner,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit
to shovel shit,
From one place to the other.

*

The First Mate's name was Cooper,
By Christ he was a trooper,
He jerked and jerked
until he worked,
Himself into a stupor.

*

The Second Mate was Andy,
By Christ he had a dandy,
Till they crushed his cock
with a jacking block,
For coming in the brandy.

*

Then there was Roy, the Cabin Boy,
The dirty litle nipper,
He lined his ass
with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

*

The Captain's wife was Mabel,
To fuck she was not able,
So the dirty shits
they nailed her tits
Across the wardroom table.

*

The Captain had a daughter,
who one day fell in the water,
Her delighted squeals
revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarters.

* (chorus between verses)
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
There was fuck all else to do.