To Dom or Not to Dom??

[ennui01]

Well, this is my try at posting something. Hope this works. The topic I'm interested in discussing or in seeing discussed is as follows:

A bit of background first - in my last several relationships, and in my current one, I've had strong Dominant (as in the BDSM - type of Dominant) tendancies. I have met two women now that had active submissive personalities (we met in an effort to explore these aspects of our personalities). I derive a lot of mental (and of course physical) pleasure out of have a sub, and my efforts to please my sub have been well received and appreciated (at least, this is what I was told or interpreted their behaviors as).

I'm wondering if I am "truly" a Dom at heart though. I *KNOW* I am not a switch - I don't get any pleasure whatsoever from being dominated or being a submissive. But, after the first few months of a new relationship though, I get "tired" of being "always in-character". I know I have Dominant tendancies, but has anyone ever heard of a Dom who wanted a sub who didn't *need* a Dom to act like a Dom 24/7? Does any of this even make sense?

ennui01

 

[lark sparrow]

Hi ennui01,

What is your definition of acting Dom?

Some people need the D/s dynamic throughout the majority of their relationship, while other do it part-time or only in the bedroom, or only occasionally to spice up their sex life. There are many differing interest and activity levels in BDSM. What's true for you may not be true for the next Dom/me or kinky person.

Defining and educating yourself and then seeking partners with similar desires and needs is one place start.

 

[LadyGwenhevare]

My husband and I are exploring a D/s relationship. He being the Dom. We are not interested in a 24/7 situation at all. I am a very in control person in the rest of my life and he enjoys this aspect of my personality.

However he has strong dom desires in our sexual lives and I have sub desires. We do not want to end our give and take love lives all the time either. We have set up some guidelines so we are not always in character.

We have decided that each month we can each have 4 I'm not in the mood days with no feelings of guilt/resentment. No more than 2 of these days in a row.

Mondays are always a day off - we each have outside activities we are active with on Monday evenings and when we get home we just mellow out.

One day of each week I get to be in charge. I will not really be in a Domme situation but I get to direct the flow of our play and lovemaking. He doesn't have the responsibility - he can just relax.

One day a week he gets to be in charge. We will have "normal" lovemaking and play.

The other 4 days of the week he gets total charge. He can be Dom or not as he wishes. We will explore this new world together.

We have both completed lifestyle lists and shared fantasies extensively. We have done much talking and discussing. At this point a lot of things are untried, so we have rated things we have not done on a scale rating how the thoughts of these things make us feel. Kind of like which you would like to try most or least or never. This has been really helpful and interesting.

We are enjoying learning and loving together. I hope that some of these ideas would be helpful for you. I get the feeling you need a relationship with the spice of D/s included but not the only aspect of your life.

Good luck!

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome to lit, ennui!

Yes, even Doms who prefer 24/7 tire of being in role.

However, being a Dom only means what you want it to mean. Many people only enter "role" when becoming intimate or for designated periods of time as Lady G has shared.

You know what you like and want from a partner.

Does it really need a name?

Call it pleasure or call it D/s, it should all stack up the same.

 

[ennui01]

>What is your definition of acting Dom?

That's a really good question Lark. I've not really thought about it specifically I suppose, but off the cuff I'd go with something like "Being in control of interpersonal situations with the significant other to a degree that many, if not most, of the significant decisions (regarding physical intimacy, and any other areas of life agreed upon) are made by the one person labelled the dominant".

That's a very crude definition of course. A good and caring Dom/me should always bear in mind what the sub's needs, wishes, and limitation are.

>There are many differing interest and activity levels in BDSM. >What's true for you may not be true for the next Dom/me or >kinky person.

Yes, I'm aware of this. I've tried to keep this in mind too. I'm not sure though if this is where my situation stems from. I suspect at least partly though that this is a factor. For example, my last g/f and my current g/f (who does not know of my last g/f and our activities) could certainly be termed bedroom "submissives" (in the BDSM definition) - they enjoy/ed bondage, being spanked, taking orders, etc. Outside of the bedroom, both of them are independent and assertive women.

>We are not interested in a 24/7 situation at all.

This is part of my conundrum though LadyGwenhevare. I do not want 24/7 (I think), but I also think I want more than to be "just" a bedroom Dom - the majority of the time, I want to be the Dom, but I don't want to *have* to be in DOM-mode all the time. Does that make sense?

I rather liked your idea about "scheduling" your lives to make your desires fit into the realities of everyday life. That is great!

For both my current and my previous g/f, I've given them a form I found on the 'net, called something like the "Intimate Partner Activity Questionaire", or similar. That did make things much clearer to both of us, as to what each partner was willing or unwilling to do or experiment with.

>I get the feeling you need a relationship with the spice of D/s included but not the only aspect of your life.

That might be a good way of describing it - but that's what I am trying to figure out. Honestly, I think part of my problem may be my location. I'm in a state with the population of a halfway decent city. My choices regarding possible partners is rather limited. <sigh> If I were only into sports, rodeo, and drinking beer until I puked, I'd have so much more luck finding compatible partners (around here). <grin> Were I to be in a different location, I think I would also have a larger pool of potential partners to work with, in my effort to find "the right one for me". I wonder how much location factors into the equation though, or to what degree it is significant?

>Welcome to lit, ennui!

Thanks! As well to all who provide their opinions here.

See, to a certain extent, I'm using this discussion thread as a form of "thinking out loud", where I can also get the benefit of alternative perspectives. I "know" I'm a Dom, but are my problems thus far because I'm a "lazy Dom"? Or that I'm not really into the BDSM scene as much as I think I am? Or that I'm NOT really a Dom, but I think I am? I've all these questions running through my thoughts.

I hope I am being clear here. I sometimes get off-track or am unclear, I am told. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

 

[NemoAlia]

Well, if you want to be in a 24/7-type relationship without having to micromanage your sub, you could work on establishing rules that are broader than simply, "Tonight, you will wear this, do this, and say this." Rather, create rituals, patterns, and codes of behavior within which you leave your sub the responsibility of living her own life according to your specifications. That way, she'll still be under your 'control,' but you won't have to direct her every move.

 

[lark sparrow]

I believe a certain amount of self as well as BDSM culture definition and labelling is useful, even necessary. And that was my sense of what you are doing here.

As much as I don't appreciate the "true Dom/me or sub" mode of thinking, I believe there is a certain amount of expectation that comes from the titles when dealing with the community at large or individuls. IMO being a Dom/me (or for that matter sub, though the Dom/me is the leader in the established D/s relationhip) at whatever level choosen, requires definition/clarity and clear communication of expectations, limits and needs... along with a healthy dose of exploration, of course.

In your role as Dom in a relationship, you will be most effective when you can be yourself while living up to your own definitions and expectations of your choosen role. It could be that you are more interested in D/s in the bedroom, and/or that your definitions of being a Dom haven't been re-evaluated to fit your own style yet, if that make sense. Seems like you are on the path, and as a submissive I can tell you that part of what makes a "worthy" Dom/me to me is not so much the extent of their 24/7 control over their submissive, but their self-definition, knowledge and understanding of what they want and will have.

 

[MissTaken]

>See, to a certain extent, I'm using this discussion thread as a form of "thinking out loud", where I can also get the benefit of alternative perspectives. I "know" I'm a Dom, but are my problems thus far because I'm a "lazy Dom"? Or that I'm not really into the BDSM scene as much as I think I am? Or that I'm NOT really a Dom, but I think I am? I've all these questions running through my thoughts.

I hope I am being clear here. I sometimes get off-track or am unclear, I am told. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

Why do these questions all have a negative tone? You are who you are and enjoy what you do. That is what matters.

I think too often when things, activities and people are labeled, then you move into qualifying that label.

Good Dom
Bad Dom
Notta Dom
Good Sub
Bad Sub
Not really Sub

Do you see what I mean? The only person that needs to find contentment with what sort of Dom or non Dom you are is you. When you find your place, you will find contentment.

 

[ennui01]

>The only person that needs to find contentment >with what sort of Dom or non Dom you are is you. >When you find your place, you will find >contentment.

Hmmm.......good point. Food for thought, thanks!

ennui01