To begin the beginning

[SquishyBits]

Well the title is a bit asinine but I suppose it fits the feeling I want to convey. I do feel stupid when it come to the ways in which a bdsm relationship gets started. A kinder term would probably be naive but I am too old for that and yet too young to be wise. I do wonder what age range people think that is but I suppose that is a question for another time and place. I better get on with my purpose or I fear I will turn in to one of those internet recipes and write my entire biography before I ever even get to the meat and potatoes.

So here it goes, my questions. How? How and where? Also what and when??

Whelp now I have gone in the opposite direction and become too vague. Let's try to find a happy medium here. How did you all get started? Where was it? Online? In person? A long one short courtship? Also what did you say? When do you bring it up? I maybe revealing too much of my ignorance but I really would like a more in depth look at what the early days are like. Is it supposed to be awkward? How do you get past the feeling that you are just acting?

I'd appreciate any advice and if this topic has been done to death just let me know where I should be looking instead. Please and thank you!

 

[seela]

It's morning so I'm not sure how coherent this will be, but I'll jump right to the meat and potatoes anyway.

My first experiences were with my boyfriend at the time. I had known I'm into BDSM-y things, but didn't really know that they were called that. I think it was my bf who first said that he likes spanking and that got the ball rolling pretty well. We did all sorts of fun things (all not entirely safe, looking back) and shared a lot with each other, it never felt like it was anything taboo. So I guess I just got really, really lucky with my first foray into BDSM.

Later, I've mostly met people online and mostly from sites that are more about sex than about dating, so it's been easy to bring up BDSM and discuss kinks openly there. Not everyone likes the same things I do, though, and some things I'm into have been received quite poorly. It sucks when it happens and I can imagine if that had happened to me when I was brand new to BDSM, it would have sucked even more.

The only times I've felt BDSM like I'm acting are the times when I've done something I'm not really into that much. If I'm doing things that feel natural and fun, it doesn't feel like acting to me. I don't do elaborate role plays, so maybe that helps too?

Now, awkwardness I do experience. I like to get the physical BDSM thingy going quite fast after meeting someone online, because I've noticed if I don't, it gets easily very awkward to me. Like they know too much about me beforehand and I feel like I can't live up to the expectations in real life. I freeze completely and get stuck inside my own weird head loop. For me the real awkward comes after the deed is done, though, when you're getting dressed, try to come up with things to talk about, etc. That moment can be very awkward and difficult for me, because I'm not necessarily the epitome of social skills. If that difficult patch isn't navigated well, there's almost zero chance that I'll be seeing that person again.

I can't give much info about how BDSM is introduced to an existing relationship, but I'm sure there are people here who can shine a light on that. I know people have various levels of success doing that and I can imagine the first steps in that direction after possibly years of relating to each other in a different manner can be scary and hard. I hope someone who's experienced that chimes in, I'd be interested in hearing about that as well.

 

[SissySalina]

Comfy time, that's when the subject came up, there are times when She and sissy just lay on the sofa (sissy's head lay in Her lap) and do things, read out loud and chat, all kinds of things come up during the chats. There are rules on subjects but She likes to push the boundaries a bit. As for sissy, was never looking for a relationship it just happened, sissy feels comfortable with Her (natural) so She can ask all She want's except for parts of sissy's life that are out of bounds. During these chats all sorts of things are revealed, you see She is the sex drive in the relationship, that part is all about Her.
Anyway the subject one night was magazines that were read when She and sissy were young and well there were a few bondage ones in sissy's past along with the usual penthouse and playboy, just curious at that time. But that was enough to spark something in Her mind. So Bdsm became an inquiring subject in following chats. So after sissy became Her sissy She introduced it slowly into the relationship for real.
That was the beginning for sissy into the Bdsm life.

 

[SquishyBits]

Thank you both for the thoughtful responses. From these experiences it sounds as though I have to start the bdsm and add a relationship on to it?

 

[seela]

Thank you both for the thoughtful responses. From these experiences it sounds as though I have to start the bdsm and add a relationship on to it?

Entirely possible to do it the other way around, too. Could be even preferable, as there’s already trust in a stable relationship?

This is a little on the slower end as far as boards go, but I’m sure someone will come along eventually that has experience on introducing BDSM to an existing relationship.

 

[Primalex]

Let's try to find a happy medium here. How did you all get started? Where was it? Online? In person? A long one short courtship? Also what did you say?

It's a bit difficult to get this into the right chronological order and not even sure what the "starting" point is if "online" is acceptable and where "relationship" starts.

Once upon a time, I wrote sex stories with D/s elements. It was like catnip for the women. You chat a bit, mention that you write stories, pretend to be bashful of sharing because of the nature of the content, ... voilà. (It was also the time that I learned that women are as sexual and horny and dumb-when-horny as men.) And...well, sexting and phone sex naturally comes close to guided masturbation and therefore D/s. So, maybe this is the starting point.

First time I blindfolded a woman was during a weekend hookup, like...reenacting 9 1/2 weeks for plausible deniability. "I'm not a pervert who enjoys abusing helpless woman, I've just seen it in this movie....". At this time I hadn't come to terms with myself and my kinks and felt that I need to hide the fucked up parts of my brain.

Then I've had both kinds of paths "successfully" pursued for a relationship. Starting as vanilla relationship and checking for subtle hints. If the partner is kinky and wants to let you know, there are ways to trigger the coming out. If she is into spanking and you joke about spanking her, they just can't resist a comeback with a "Oh, pretty please, try." (Of course, this observation is subject to the perception bias.) But also hooking up via a kink-focused website with the kink interests known before having met in real life and then learning that the non-kink/bedroom sides align surprisingly well, too, and that it would be a shame to not utilize this.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Thank you both for the thoughtful responses. From these experiences it sounds as though I have to start the bdsm and add a relationship on to it?

I’d suggest building a relationship first and for most. You have to build a trust. That takes time.
Let’s give an example of what might happen.
You meet a alleged dominant. You get caught up in sub frenzy. You end up at his/ her place. Where you are tied and blindfolded on the bed. You hear a knock on the door. A minute later the blindfold is removed. You look and see 4 other people in the room. All drooling over seeing you tied up.

 

[Primalex]

I’d suggest building a relationship first and for most. You have to build a trust. That takes time.
Let’s give an example of what might happen.
You meet a alleged dominant. You get caught up in sub frenzy. You end up at his/ her place. Where you are tied and blindfolded on the bed. You hear a knock on the door. A minute later the blindfold is removed. You look and see 4 other people in the room. All drooling over seeing you tied up.

Is June the paranoia month? The Lit front page seems like this.

It's the 21st century, people have hardly a best friend for support, let alone a group of friends at stand-by they can commit rape crimes with.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Is June the paranoia month? The Lit front page seems like this.

It's the 21st century, people have hardly a best friend for support, let alone a group of friends at stand-by they can commit rape crimes with.

You missed the point entirely. I was trying to point out. Get to know someone. Build a trust.
If you think things similar to this haven’t happened. You are naïve.

 

[IrisAlthea]

My sexlife started before the acronym BDSM was a thing, so there was no plan to try out kinks or to meet someone to fullfill some fantasy. Getting the hang of boys and sex and stuff was quite enough complication level to start with.
I knew that some of my fantasies and things in movies that turned me on were a bit different but I can’t say I even tried to put all that together at the time. It still trickled in there somehow with time, organically, through joking, hinting testing out the limits.

Like seela said, a bit of safety information would probly have been a good thing but I guess we were lucky and perhaps not entirely reckless and unthinking about it, because there were no major accidents.

We thought of it as rough sex mostly and adventurous play. I’m not saying that we didn’t know about S&M, but the way it was portrayed it didn’t feel very relatable to us.
On boyfriend took me to a sex club when there was a demo/show and the couple there were a husband and wife, who were probably more our parents age and the whole thing was a strange mix between comical and depressing.


As for feeling like it is acting, it kind of depends where you want to go with it.
You can lean into it and like the theatrical thing or you can go with what is already there in you/the relationship and build on that, rather that trying to fit into the costume, so to speak.
Personally, I can always look at things a bit from the outside and see the absurd and comical side of it and also choose to immerse myself and go with the flow. I can enjoy both and I feel that the ability to laugh at self and crazy situation is helpful and a requirement in a partner.

 

[Acktion]

Several decades ago, in my collegiate years, I was involved with the gal that would become my second ex-fiance.

The thing is... I wasn't all over Dommy McDommy-pants as one particular young lady here might say. Quite the opposite really. "Easy going" didn't really capture it. It would have been difficult to be more laid back and still sustain a pulse.

Oh, not everywhere. I was very much Master-of-my-own-destiny except where it came to our relationship. There, I went beyond compromise to sublimating for the first few months.

She broke up with me eight times in those few short months. Each time for three days, before she would come "allow me back."

The eighth time, something in me snapped like an over-tuned guitar string. When she came back three days later, to "allow me back," I was done. But, she wouldn't accept that. Instead, she turned to all the "cute" stalker shit that worked in the Rom-Coms of the time and honestly couldn't understand that all she was doing by that point was pissing me off.

One fine day, I arrived at my mother's home to find her sitting at the table with my mother and sister when she'd never been willing to meet them before, acting for all the world like she had any right to be there. Rather than cause a scene in front of my mother, or my still fledging baby sister that I knew full well had only retreated to the hallway between our bedrooms where she was listening, we went for a drive that ended up a couple of miles out in the country.

And I allowed her to get back together with me for the ninth and final time with the understanding that it was very much "my way or da highway" from that point.

Understand that I didn't know a fuckin' thing about BDSM at that point, much less how to do it correctly. And I didn't have the first clue we were basically reinventing the Master/slave 24/7 Total Power Exchange in almost all the wrong and borderline abusive ways since I was coming from a place of anger.

Fortunately, for both of us, she managed to wrest back enough of her soul to give me the ninth and final heave-ho after nineteen months as my thrall.

I changed my major from the engineering key and actually minored in sexology. Although I probably learned more at those lunch tables where when I sat down it lowered the average age to 59 (I was a fresh-minted 20) and was the only guy. Also, a group of six lesbians (three couples) took me under their collective wings as a friend, then something of a beard, and finally something of a platonic Daddy for a couple of years before we lost touch.

Although I had more than few... somethings, I didn't really have time, energy, or inclination for another lengthy relationship until I'd graduated. And promptly failed again with my third failed engagement.

Somehow, and I will never understand how, managed to get caught by my gorgeous late wife for two and a half decades that was more bliss than I deserved before my little skipped off on the next great adventure without me. (And when I catch up, the spanking is going to be epic!)

Somehow got lured into turning my face back from the wall for a couple of on-line... somethings, where I rediscovered every mistake I'd ever made and invented several new ones besides.

Somehow, and I doubt I'll ever understand how, managed to get a second go-around on the roller coaster of happiness with my baby girl (who is snoring in my ear as I type).

Awkward? Oh, my fuck, has it ever been. Lot of fuck ups. Lot of learning by getting my fingers burned.

But, at the end of the day (or at least damn late in the fourth quarter), I just can't see BDSM oriented relationships as fundamentally different from any other. Communicate early. Communicate often. Which sometimes means hangin' your figurative ass out for a paddlin'. And accepting that sometimes that means accepting letting go for a time rather than with the wrong person when the shattered ends of your needs and wants just don't align.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I’d suggest building a relationship first and for most. You have to build a trust. That takes time.
Let’s give an example of what might happen.
You meet a alleged dominant. You get caught up in sub frenzy. You end up at his/ her place. Where you are tied and blindfolded on the bed. You hear a knock on the door. A minute later the blindfold is removed. You look and see 4 other people in the room. All drooling over seeing you tied up.

You missed the point entirely. I was trying to point out. Get to know someone. Build a trust.

Building trust in a relationship is a good thing. There are lots of people who get in trouble though, with people they have known long enough to marry and live together with for years and thought they could trust.
For the beginning of a relationship/meeting new people, in my experience it is better to go with the classic things like meeting in a public place, having a safety call or perhaps even another person there who meets the new person, knows where you are expects calls at regular intervalls etc.

You are naïve

Naive would not be my first thought if I was going to describe Primalex.

 

[SquishyBits]

I am on mobile and not sure how to make quotes work effectively so bare with me.

IrisAlthea I loved what you said about making the costume fit me instead of me fitting the costume. That just totally shifted thing in my mind. I think I have been imagining what D/s is "supposed" to be and not what I actually want it to be.

How exactly do I go about figuring out what I want? I've always wondered how a sub does that. How do I know I don't like something verses I need to work through and trust?

Also Acktion thank you for sharing your journey. It gives me hope that I can get things wrong and still find my way through.

Most of the advice so far seems to be people starting kinky relationships with other already kinky people. Has anyone introduced kink into a vanilla relationship or brought it up to a partner they thought was vanilla but wasn't?

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I am on mobile and not sure how to make quotes work effectively so bare with me.

IrisAlthea I loved what you said about making the costume fit me instead of me fitting the costume. That just totally shifted thing in my mind. I think I have been imagining what D/s is "supposed" to be and not what I actually want it to be.

How exactly do I go about figuring out what I want? I've always wondered how a sub does that. How do I know I don't like something verses I need to work through and trust?

Also Acktion thank you for sharing your journey. It gives me hope that I can get things wrong and still find my way through.

Most of the advice so far seems to be people starting kinky relationships with other already kinky people. Has anyone introduced kink into a vanilla relationship or brought it up to a partner they thought was vanilla but wasn't?

Bringing up lifestyle to someone is REALLY hit and miss. Especially if they are not into lifestyle.
One lady I brought it up to shot it down quickly. She told me if that’s what I want to go find someone else. Cause I am NOT doing that.
Another lady I brought it up to ended up being one of the most submissive women I’ve met. She very much wants/ needs to please.
If you want to explore a bdsm relationship. I’d suggest doing some reading. A few things I’d suggest
SM 101
Screw the roses give me the thorns
Look up writings by Jay Wiseman. He’s written a lot of in depth topics on bdsm.
Maybe read bdsm stories here. See what grabs your attention. Watch some porn and see how you like/ dislike it.
Maybe join fetlife. It’s like a kinky Facebook. Fill out the profile. It’s kinda lengthy but worth the time.
Look up groups that grab your attention. When you are ready to start meeting people. Look up a munch in your area. A munch is just a meet and greet if like minded people.
I’d suggest contacting the person running the munch. Let them know you’re new. They might offer to show you around/ introduce you to people. Try to get there little early. That goes long way with people.

 

[IrisAlthea]

IrisAlthea I loved what you said about making the costume fit me instead of me fitting the costume. That just totally shifted thing in my mind. I think I have been imagining what D/s is "supposed" to be and not what I actually want it to be.

Happy I could help!

How exactly do I go about figuring out what I want? I've always wondered how a sub does that. How do I know I don't like something verses I need to work through and trust?

Start with the things that sparked your interest in these things.

Some things are going to look interesting but end up doing nothing for you. Other things may seem like the wouldn’t be your thing and it turns out that it is.
Some things work with one partner but not with the next and it can change over time too.
I don’t think there is a way to research until you know. It’s kind of like food, you can have some idea about whether you’ll like sushi but you won’t know unless you try.

Most of the advice so far seems to be people starting kinky relationships with other already kinky people. Has anyone introduced kink into a vanilla relationship or brought it up to a partner they thought was vanilla but wasn't?

It can be scary to bring it up, especially if you are already invested in the relationship but like Primalex said, you could check for hints like how do they react to jokes, books, movies about the theme to get a felling for how they would react if you brought it up. You might still not get a ”Hell yes!” but you might find the courage to bring it up.

 

[SquishyBits]

I know this must all seem obvious and talked about a thousand times but I can't thank you enough for laying it out for me. I am a chronic over thinker so I occasionally need to be whacked in the head with the obvious. Thank you for the whacks! I have some reading and research to do. Can't believe I get to count porn as research.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

SquishyBits
We all started at pretty much same place as you.
Learn at your pace. Be safe and comfortable with what you are learning. Enjoy the journey

 

[cookiecat]

9 1/2 weeks and the Story of O crossed my path around the same time. I didn't get it was BDSM but I was enthralled with the stories. I was about 25 at the time.

It wasn't until I was 40 that I discovered what BDSM meant - it was online on a different site. It was a super interactive site - I've described this before - but the site had a "training academy." I signed up as a beginner sub - there was a test that included acronyms, categories to check off interest level - I didn't know 3/4 of the categories! We could pick tasks or could be assigned tasks. There was a timeframe to complete them and a report we'd have to write about the experience. I remember doing an enema related thing. :/ One was making my own sawhorse so I could ride on the beam - it was a broom between 2 stools. That hurt. Anyways, it was an awesome way for a total newbie to understand terminology, start figuring out what I liked or didn't.

My first in person kink experience was with someone from that site. He sent me on my merry way to find someone local. He suggested I look up groups in my area. Which I did. I googled something like bdsm groups in my town. At that time, yahoo groups were popular and I found info that way. I just showed up and kept showing up. It took me about a year to actually do anything like go to a party and ask someone to spank me. But by then, people knew me. I knew them. Who was skilled. I found a great group of friends (who I'm still friends with 15 years later) and had a lot of fun.

I now use fet life to find local events. If you do decide to find something, a great way to get over jitters, is to contact one of the group moderators and tell them you're new and a little nervous. Most moderators will be kind enough to find you and welcome you.

I met my husband on another kink site - I don't think I can post the name here without getting it xxx out. It's a super cheesy meat markety kink site. But hey! It worked.

Starting out the BDSM adventure is scary and super fun. Everything is new. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that sparkly, butterfly, nervous time.

As others have said, be safe. I did some really really stupid things and just lucked out I met some really honest, amazing people instead of sociopaths. There was a guy on that cheesy site who contacted me several times. He had a pretty good pic, was in my age range but for whatever reason, we never met. He is now in jail for murdering 2 women from that site.

As to bringing D/s or kink in to a current relationship - I've found that to be pretty difficult. I know it can be done! Some of my good kink friends started that way - where one partner was kinky and one was vanilla. In most cases it started with a conversation. In some cases, it started with sex where some kind of kink was introduced when all parties were horny!

Good luck! Hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

9 1/2 weeks and the Story of O crossed my path around the same time. I didn't get it was BDSM but I was enthralled with the stories. I was about 25 at the time.

It wasn't until I was 40 that I discovered what BDSM meant - it was online on a different site. It was a super interactive site - I've described this before - but the site had a "training academy." I signed up as a beginner sub - there was a test that included acronyms, categories to check off interest level - I didn't know 3/4 of the categories! We could pick tasks or could be assigned tasks. There was a timeframe to complete them and a report we'd have to write about the experience. I remember doing an enema related thing. :/ One was making my own sawhorse so I could ride on the beam - it was a broom between 2 stools. That hurt. Anyways, it was an awesome way for a total newbie to understand terminology, start figuring out what I liked or didn't.

My first in person kink experience was with someone from that site. He sent me on my merry way to find someone local. He suggested I look up groups in my area. Which I did. I googled something like bdsm groups in my town. At that time, yahoo groups were popular and I found info that way. I just showed up and kept showing up. It took me about a year to actually do anything like go to a party and ask someone to spank me. But by then, people knew me. I knew them. Who was skilled. I found a great group of friends (who I'm still friends with 15 years later) and had a lot of fun.

I now use fet life to find local events. If you do decide to find something, a great way to get over jitters, is to contact one of the group moderators and tell them you're new and a little nervous. Most moderators will be kind enough to find you and welcome you.

I met my husband on another kink site - I don't think I can post the name here without getting it xxx out. It's a super cheesy meat markety kink site. But hey! It worked.

Starting out the BDSM adventure is scary and super fun. Everything is new. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that sparkly, butterfly, nervous time.

As others have said, be safe. I did some really really stupid things and just lucked out I met some really honest, amazing people instead of sociopaths. There was a guy on that cheesy site who contacted me several times. He had a pretty good pic, was in my age range but for whatever reason, we never met. He is now in jail for murdering 2 women from that site.

As to bringing D/s or kink in to a current relationship - I've found that to be pretty difficult. I know it can be done! Some of my good kink friends started that way - where one partner was kinky and one was vanilla. In most cases it started with a conversation. In some cases, it started with sex where some kind of kink was introduced when all parties were horny!

Good luck! Hope you find what you're looking for.

You seem to have started kinda like me. I started looking into the lifestyle at 38. I joined a now closed website CM. Met some good people there. I did more listening then talking. Met a few people. We got to be pretty good friends.
I joined that site as sub. Tried it for awhile. I didn’t seem to feel right. Tried my hand at dominant. Learned lotta things. I finally figured out I like little of both sides. Depending on the way I click with my partner. Sometimes I feel more sub with her. Sometimes I feel more dominant. If/ when I’m seeing someone.

 

[Dearelliot]

As a young man maybe 21, in the military in Berlin I moved in
with an experienced lady maybe 35ish..and had every opportunity to enjoy a BDSM relationship but:
I was too immature to be comfortable with my submissive nature, and couldn't accept with someone I was close to.
It seemed like I was too embarrassed to be the sexual submissive I was.
The woman I lived with often had 2 or 3 very liberal women friends over for drinks and had I been mature enough and willing I could have enjoyed being whipped naked, humiliated, forced to grovel and beg while they watched or joined in.
Maybe a year later in Berlin my true nature was made obvious. I went to a brothel, and was in the room naked when the lady came in naked carrying a riding crop...Seeing that, when she touched me and I came. She noted "Oh see how he stands for the whip."
I'm not sure even today, so many many years later, if I could be comfortable as a submissive with my wife.
We have dabbled but it just doesn't seem to work.
I see professionals whenever possible.

 

[SquishyBits]

It wasn't until I was 40 that I discovered what BDSM meant - it was online on a different site. It was a super interactive site - I've described this before - but the site had a "training academy."

Is this training academy still active? I think learning what my limits are is one of my biggest fears in bdsm and this seems like the perfect way to explore. I'm a perfectionist so I want to know how things will go before I do them. I would hate to discover a hard limit during play. It would make me feel like a failure.