To be a republican you need to believe

[Rumple Foreskin]

Just passing this along in the Fox News spirit of "fairly unbalanced reporting."

TO BE A REPUBLICAN YOU NEED TO BELIEVE:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.


And in closing, remember that friends don't let friends vote Republican.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Huckleman2000]

Wow. Republicans are even more stupid than I thought.

 

[rgraham666]

Snicker.

 

[Scarlet Dawna]

Thank you for posting. I found that thoroughly amusing.

 

[Carnevil9]

Since somebody mentioned "fair and balanced" and I of course believe that they really meant it, how about this....



To be a good Democrat, you must......

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and create prosperity.

You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

 

[Huckleman2000]

see, Carnevil, in the original, what makes it funny is that each sentence is a pair of incongruities, not non sequiters.

I guess if you have to explain it, you're talking to a Republican.

 

[Carnevil9]

see, Carnevil, in the original, what makes it funny is that each sentence is a pair of incongruities, not non sequiters.

I guess if you have to explain it, you're talking to a Republican.

I wasn't trying to be "funny." I don't think the destruction of our culture is humorous, but maybe that's just me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Carney,
Did you make this up yourself?

it doesn't have the same effect at all. let me take just a couple of examples;

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

You see, honey, it's been widely said that "we have no proof that global warming is a fact." And, at the very same time, many of those same people insist that creationism shuold be taught in schools, because so many people believe in it. They feel that the sheer number of belivers should count for something-- unless, of course it's something that they don't believe in, and then the numbers don't count. (never mind that little problem that global warming is a well-corroborated theory-- not the same as a belief at all.)

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Yep. Clinton lied, people sighed. Bush lied, people died. And are dying. And are living in maimed wrecks of bodies. And are being neglected by the veterans administration, in fine republican tradition.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

See, dear Carney, lots and lots of Republicans remember that conservatives are constitutionalists. They remember that Dems want the government to have jurisdiction over other things that the constitution hadn't mentioned-- possibly because these things were unforseen back when the document was being written-- and that's a Bad Thing. But somehow, they have figured out that there ARE things that the constitution doesn't address, and one of these is gay marriage. Obviously, the gevernment should have jurisdiction over gay marriage-- because the original authors would have put it in if they had ever thought it would matter!
But things like equal rights for al humans-- naw, that's not in the original constitution. And it's not important to a god-fearing white man or woman who is happy and successful in their god-fearing world. As the original writers meant us all to be.

now then dear Carney;

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

Hmm, you might have something there. I suppose the difference is that capitol punishment kills a human being that is living-- an abortion kills a potential life. In it's way, it's just as logical as the other way; all potential lives are sacred-- until they are born. at that point, the kid is on it's own-- and the man can be put to the chair.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

What makes you think that a Dem has to believe that? Or that nice persons make good politicians? Or that Bush is either nice, or normal, or, god forbid-- a good politician?

You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

What truth-telling conservative is that, my friend?

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

Many hunters are conservationists. Many activists have never seen San Francisco. Many of the people that don't care about nature are not hunters at all, but logging concerns that want to keep their right to clear-cut what's left of our land. "Hunters" is a straw man.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

That's why the word "Roles" is part of that phrase. Gender is natural. Roles are artificial.

 

[Carnevil9]

No, Peanut, I didn't make it up myself. I C&Ped it. I don't even believe all of it myself. I just wanted to point out that Democrats are at least (and most likely more) as hypocritical as Republicans. But thanks for playing!.....Carney

 

[keeblercrumb]

see, Carnevil, in the original, what makes it funny is that each sentence is a pair of incongruities, not non sequiters.

I guess if you have to explain it, you're talking to a Republican.

Huck.... to be "fair".. there were a couple Carnevil's items which qualify as incongruities, such as:

“have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand."
“You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.”
“You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.”
“You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.”
“You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal”
“You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas”

These are legitimate… a couple even border on humor…. And I can accept my incongruous political positions on these….. (I wonder if Carnevil accepts ALL the ones you listed?)

But the balance of those he listed are, as you wryly observed, merely non sequiturs. The hatred and irrationality voiced in them is visceral and almost make me despair for the Republic.

And such is the state of political debate in America.

-KC
."

 

[Stella_Omega]

No, Peanut, I didn't make it up myself. I C&Ped it. I don't even believe all of it myself. I just wanted to point out that Democrats are at least (and most likely more) as hypocritical as Republicans. But thanks for playing!.....Carney

you didn't do a very good job of making your point, punkin.

 

[Carnevil9]

you didn't do a very good job of making your point, punkin.

I did my best, snookums.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I did my best, snookums.

I'm sure you'll do better some other day, peanut.

 

[Carnevil9]

I'm sure you'll do better some other day, peanut.

Whatever you say, Honey Bunny.

 

[Jagged]

Carnevil9....thank you

Personally I don't think either party can take the moral high ground....Hell neither is actually holding to their own ideals. Democrats supporting the working man and giving help when it is needed...not keeping people dependent. The Republicans...small government and strong on defense. I always thought the combination would create something solid and benifit all. Now it is petty fighting and nothing is getting done.

The founders didn't like parties and I am beginning to see why.



To be a good Democrat, you must......

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and create prosperity.

You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."[/QUOTE]

 

[JPMMURPHY]

In the spirit of the original post - funny as hell. Actually, I didn't know it was about moral high ground. I thought it was about intelligence. But as someone else said in another post - I'm unarmed in both areas.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Here's another of those lists bashing Dems.

As a libertarian. I think that both sets of lists may have a lot of validity.


Things You Have to Believe to Be a Democrat Today


Drug addiction is a disease that should be treated with compassion and understanding...unless the addict is a Conservative talk show host.


The United States should be subservient to the United Nations. Our highest authority is not God and the U.S. Constitution, but a collective of tinpot dictators (and their appeasers) and the U.N. charter.


Government should relax drug laws regardless of the potential for abuse, but should pass new and unConstitutional anti-gun laws because of the potential for abuse.


Calls for increased security after a terrorist attack are "political opportunism," but calls for more gun control after a criminal's spree killing is "a logical solution."


"It Takes a Village" means everything you want it to mean...except creeping socialist government involvement in the nuclear family.


Disarming innocent, law-abiding citizens helps protect them from evil, lawless terrorists and other thugs.


Slowly killing an unborn innocent by tearing it apart limb from limb is good. Slowly killing an innocent disabled woman by starving her to death is good. Quickly killing terrorists, convicted murderers and rapists is BAD.


Every religion should be respected and promoted in public schools the name of diversity, so long as that religion isn't Christianity.


The best way to support our troops is to criticize their every move. This will let them know they're thought of often.


Sexual harassment, groping and drug use are degenerate if you're the governor of California, but it's okay if you're the President of the United States.


Sex education should be required so that teens can make informed choices about sex, but gun education should be banned because it will turn those same teens into maniacal mass-murderers.


Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.


Poverty is the cause of all terrorism...which is why the leaders of al Qaeda are typically U.S.-educated and were raised in wealth and luxury.


The Patriot Act is a horrific compromise of Constitutional rights, but anti-Second Amendment laws and Franklin Roosevelt's Presidential Order 9066 must be regarded "reasonable precautions."


We should unquestioningly honor the wishes of our age-old allies, even when said allies no longer act like our allies and have vested economic interests in propping up our enemies.


Socialized medicine is the ideal. Nevermind all those people who spend every dime they have to get to the United States so they can get quality medical care...that their nation's socialized medical community can't provide.


Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and Natalie Maines are perfectly qualified to criticize our leadership, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, and Dennis Miller are just ignorant political hacks.


John Lott's research on how gun ownership reduces crime is junk science, but Michael Bellesiles is still an authority on why gun control is good (even though he was forced to resign from Emory due to research misconduct over his book "Arming America").


Bush's toppling the Saddam regime was a "diversion," but Clinton's lobbing a couple of cruise missiles at Iraq in the thick of the Lewinsky sex scandal was "sending a message."


A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies' intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.


Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning Second Amendment rights and shopping the courts for judges sympathetic to causes that wouldn't pass in any legislature.


"The People" in the First Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Fourth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Ninth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Tenth Amendment means The People; but "the People" in the Second Amendment (ratified in 1791) means the National Guard (created by an Act of Congress in 1903).


You support a woman's "right to choose" to kill her unborn child, but don't believe that same woman is competent enough to homeschool the children she bears.


Proven draft-dodging is irrelevant, but baseless claims of AWOL status is crucial to national security.


Threatening to boycott Dr. Laura's and Rush Limbaugh's advertisers is exercising Freedom of Speech, but threatening to boycott CBS's "The Reagans" and Liberal actors over their asinine anti-American remarks is censorship and McCarthyist blacklisting.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Roxy, your list sounds like it was created by the NRA. There's a definite repeat of gun law concerns-- every other one, just about.

 

[Equinoxe]

Roxy, your list sounds like it was created by the NRA. There's a definite repeat of gun law concerns-- every other one, just about.

While there is a definite repeat of gun law concerns, I think that's insulting to the NRA - I'm pretty sure the NRA doesn't officially hold that rape victims are to blame, but the author of that list does.

 

[Stella_Omega]

While there is a definite repeat of gun law concerns, I think that's insulting to the NRA - I'm pretty sure the NRA doesn't officially hold that rape victims are to blame, but the author of that list does.

Heh, didn't even see that! I still don't but maybe I need more coffee.
I should have said; "... by some member of the NRA, since so many of that list are ridiculous over-statements, vis; "A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies' intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.

A president who references the only sixteen words that agree with what he wants, and that create death for thousands as a result.


I own guns myself. I do not own automatics, and I hear them once in a while in my neighbourhood. I am NOT a member of the NRA. Not that this has anything to do with anything at all, here...

 

[Equinoxe]

Heh, didn't even see that! I still don't but maybe I need more coffee.
I should have said; "... by some member of the NRA, since so many of that list are ridiculous over-statements, vis; "A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies' intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.

A president who references the only sixteen words that agree with what he wants, and that create death for thousands as a result.


I own guns myself. I do not own automatics, and I hear them once in a while in my neighbourhood. I am NOT a member of the NRA. Not that this has anything to do with anything at all, here...

Well, that part of the list is found here:

Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.

Based on context, the argument is clearly that the Democrats are both wrong on those issues and inconsistent - not merely that they're inconsistent (in case anyone wants to make that argument).

You're right, though, ridiculous overstatements abound.


I don't own a gun and I don't think I ever would (and I would certainly rather not live in a place where I felt it would be a good idea to own a gun), but I am in favour of the right to own one. That said, I think the entirety of the gun control debate in the United States, from both sides of the argument, is completely disingenuous - again, not that that has anything to do with this.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by Aforementioned List
Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.

Oh, that one!

Apples and oranges. To think that "Islamofascists" should not be ticked off because America has begun killing as may Iraqis as possible is...

oh, I don't know. Disingenious at best, and terrifyingly unimaginative somewhere in the middle. Out and out lying might be at worst. Dangerous to the rest of us...

 

[Huckleman2000]

Rox, that list is almost entirely non-sequiters, not incongruities.

 

[neonlyte]

We don't have these problems in UK, we get Scots no matter who we vote for.

 

[cantdog]

We don't have these problems in UK, we get Scots no matter who we vote for.

We get power hungry shills for business whoever we go with. Plus ça change...