To be a better Dom

[slave to pain]

I am new here, so please be kind.

My husband and I both enjoy what I guess I would call "mild" BDSM. I love being the sub, tied down, teased, whipped, scratched, you know where I'm going. But so does my husband. But he likes aspects I'm not quite comfortable with, such as humiliation. Not to mention, I'm not a very good Dom. But I want to be for him. But I have found I'm not very good at giving orders. Can you help me to release the inner Dom I'm sure is there somewhere hiding beneath the sub in me?

Thanks,
Slave toPain

 

[FungiUg]

From my own experience, I have a similar issue: I can't submit. In fact, neither my partner or I can. So while I wish you all the best of luck in finding your "inner Domme", you may find you need to deal with the LACK.

Either way, experimentation is the best way of finding out. There's a stack of material out there for you to read to get ideas out of. And from there, experiment to discover what works and what doesn't for you.

 

[Prof Bill]

Discovery Challenges

A couple of thoughts come to mind.

First, please realize that very few of us ever find our perfect fit right off the bat. It takes time, and it takes time to learn that it takes time. Here again the best advice is patience.

You should also realize that you're luckier than many---those whose spouses not only have absolutely no interest in it but think this kind of play is obscene or worse have a tough row to hoe, that's for sure.

I know a couple who try to Dom each other with some success (he has more effect Domming her than she does Domming him), but neither is really very good at it. They solved their problem by finding Doms who were happy Domming both of them together or singly. This may not be the solution for everyone, but it works for them.

Good luck. Keep searching and writing and asking and experimenting.

Oh, and as for "unleashing" the Dom that's inside you? Why not try this. Write down on a piece of paper a series of things you'd like him to do to/for you--then you do them to/for him?

Bill

 

[Netzach]

visit akasha's web, (www.akashaweb.com) really. Find her section for newbie femdoms This is the best reading for the newbie femdom I've seen on the net, and very no-nonsense. You may find a whole new spin on what you thought being a Domme means, and the whole prospect may seem less foreign.

Or, like others said, you may just not be a Domme. I think women have a harder time figuring it out, often, because there's so much around us that gives the message that it's bad to want to be Boss.

 

[Limbhugger]

The website Netzach shared is an EXCELLENT resource!

I would say to take your time and don't try to force what side of the whip you are on. Some folks start out dominant and find later that it was just experimentation that ultimately leads to submission and vice versa. Other find themselves switching. And still others find themselves somewhere in between it all. As has been said a zillion times, D/s is not one size fits all.

As for humiliation play, this can be a difficult thing for folks to wrap their minds around at first. It goes so against the grain of everything we're taught. But then, that is why the receipients like it so much. I am a humiliation slut. It is my favorite play. Keep in mind that humiliation does not have to equal degradation. They are very similiar but for me, the difference is the motivation. Humiliation administered by a loving caring partner is a wonderfully revealing and surface stripping thing. Degradation is just that. Abusive language and contemptuous attitude by someone who could care less about the other.

Keep us informed. Oh and check out the "Library" thread at the top of this forum. Great stuff there!

LH

 

[slave to pain]

visit akasha's web, (www.akashaweb.com) really. Find her section for newbie femdoms This is the best reading for the newbie femdom I've seen on the net, and very no-nonsense. You may find a whole new spin on what you thought being a Domme means, and the whole prospect may seem less foreign.

Or, like others said, you may just not be a Domme. I think women have a harder time figuring it out, often, because there's so much around us that gives the message that it's bad to want to be Boss.

Thank you very much for the website. Still reading through it, but very informative. She really breaks it down for the newbie.

I'll keep you posted as to how it's going.
And again, thank you!

 

[NCShin]

I'm not sure if everyone would consider this to be humiliation play or not. One of my (many) favorite things to do, is to make her say things she could never imagine herself saying. Calling herself names especially. Because she is so shy, and finds it so difficult to tell me in general conversation what she wants/likes etc, making her tell me exactly what she wants, how she wants it done, and so on all play into this.


I think it is quite humiliating for her. For me to listen though, I see no humiliation in it. I don't look down on her for saying the things that she says. In fact my opinion of her often is raised as she discribes what she wants.

Not only is she able to overcome her shyness in her submission, but also gives me insight into her.

I have also taken pictures of her. As she posed and got undressed her excitement clearly seen in the photos. Her humiliation was intense, but I just found it erotic and fun.

I give you these examples to show that while something might be humiliating for one person, it doesn't have to be something you'd both be embarrassed about. It doesn't have to be public, it doesn't have to be one of you barking like a dog.

The day may one day come that taking photos for our own personal viewing isn't embarrassing for her anymore. It is at that point I'll open the folder of them and suggest that we post them here on lit. I suspect that she'll bawk at first. Her fear and humiliation too deep to allow the "entire world" to see her like that. The day that they are posted will come though. I am confident that once she overcomes her fear, she'll end up liking it, just like so many other things.

 

[Limbhugger]

I'm not sure if everyone would consider this to be humiliation play or not. One of my (many) favorite things to do, is to make her say things she could never imagine herself saying. Calling herself names especially. Because she is so shy, and finds it so difficult to tell me in general conversation what she wants/likes etc, making her tell me exactly what she wants, how she wants it done, and so on all play into this.


I think it is quite humiliating for her. For me to listen though, I see no humiliation in it. I don't look down on her for saying the things that she says. In fact my opinion of her often is raised as she discribes what she wants.

Not only is she able to overcome her shyness in her submission, but also gives me insight into her.

I have also taken pictures of her. As she posed and got undressed her excitement clearly seen in the photos. Her humiliation was intense, but I just found it erotic and fun.

I give you these examples to show that while something might be humiliating for one person, it doesn't have to be something you'd both be embarrassed about. It doesn't have to be public, it doesn't have to be one of you barking like a dog.

The day may one day come that taking photos for our own personal viewing isn't embarrassing for her anymore. It is at that point I'll open the folder of them and suggest that we post them here on lit. I suspect that she'll bawk at first. Her fear and humiliation too deep to allow the "entire world" to see her like that. The day that they are posted will come though. I am confident that once she overcomes her fear, she'll end up liking it, just like so many other things.

Exactly.

 

[Telafio]

The sweetest from is when deep down you know you want to enact a certain task, but are too afraid to admit it.

When someone is able to grasp this fact and humiliate you into performing it..then it is humiliation..but oh how sweet the feeling.