Tips for meeting your online Dom for the first time?

[midwestyankee]

If your gut tells you that you need time to build up sufficient trust and security then you do. And I'm glad to see that you think you do. Not because it's a good thing that you feel insecure still, but that you're thinking about this move from a rational place.

 

[bruisedangel]

Nearly everything that I could offer as advice has already been said! (And I'm sure I could use the same advice, myself. Only I'm not traveling across state boarders, I'm flying intercontinental!) Hmph, SimonBrooke, I have nothing against choosing to let whomever know that I plan on letting you place me in the most precarious of situations. Ah-ha! There's some advice! Since you met your PYL in the world of cyberspace, surely you've generated a few online friends, as well as those of the tangible world. Why not get some of them involved, as well? Not in the meeting, of course. However, the more people that know where you are, who you're with, the lesser the chance of meeting up with an axe murderer. I would think that there would be less a chance for things to go to all hell and back if you're required to check in with more than just one or two people.

Other than that, the only real advice I have for you is to just be yourself. (Cliche, I know). That's one of the nicer things about having met someone online, first. You get the opportunity to have an insight into one's core personality, before physicality comes into play. (Providing there's true honesty going on. I'd think it's a fairly equal number of people who fabricate themselves both online and in person).

 

[SimonBrooke]

Nearly everything that I could offer as advice has already been said! (And I'm sure I could use the same advice, myself. Only I'm not traveling across state boarders, I'm flying intercontinental!) Hmph, SimonBrooke, I have nothing against choosing to let whomever know that I plan on letting you place me in the most precarious of situations. Ah-ha! There's some advice! Since you met your PYL in the world of cyberspace, surely you've generated a few online friends, as well as those of the tangible world. Why not get some of them involved, as well?

So there it is, guys. If the angel disappears from the forum after the first week in November, you'll all have to come looking for me with baseball bats.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

So there it is, guys. If the angel disappears from the forum after the first week in November, you'll all have to come looking for me with baseball bats.

SimonBrooke, I have nothing against choosing to let whomever know that I plan on letting you place me in the most precarious of situations.

Congrats guys, that is so cool.

Other bits of advice...

Make a reservation at another hotel and keep the details to yourself. Have a couple of local cab numbers with you or hire a car so you have transport and are not dependent on him. Have enough cash to up and leave on the spot if you need to but don't keep it in your wallet, put it somewhere less obvious. Take an emergency credit card or charge up a pre-pay one with emergency cash. Running up a debt is preferable to winding up a statistic. Don't give a new guy your regular cell phone number, buy a cheap pre-pay SIM card that you can dispose of if you need to break contact. Don't wear heels or anything you can't sprint in the first time you meet him. Invest in a personal alarm and some mace. If the worst happens and he does attack you, scratch him. That way, you'll have the bastard's DNA.

Another good tip is verifiable details. If this guy is serious about you, he should be willing to send you copies of his I.D. and give you access to his workplace phone number, email and so on. Ask for a utility bill because it will link his name to his address so that if you ever need to report him to the police, you have concrete info. Some may argue that this should work both ways but when you're a hetero female pyl, you're invariably taking a far greater risk than the PYL IMO.

If you're going interstate, why not travel with a friend? You can make it a sightseeing holiday as well. There's no reason to tell your friend you plan on getting kinky, just that you've met a guy through online dating and want to get to know him better. There are lots of benefits to having a chaperone and so long as you don't neglect her too much, I'm sure you can find some alone time with this guy if you decide you want things to progress that far. You can also get your trusted friend's opinion on the guy and ensure you're not seeing just what you want to see. A safecall isn't all that much good to you really if she's hundreds of miles away but having a good friend close by who has met him will put anyone off of taking advantage of you. I also agree with Etoile's advice about restraints. There's plenty of time to get into all that. Don't allow yourself to be locked in a car, room or house. If he has to lock a door, ensure he does not remove the key. If he offers you a drink, make sure you watch him pour it.

Um... scared yet?

 

[Love2Lust]

Congrats guys, that is so cool.

Other bits of advice...

Make a reservation at another hotel and keep the details to yourself. Have a couple of local cab numbers with you or hire a car so you have transport and are not dependent on him. Have enough cash to up and leave on the spot if you need to but don't keep it in your wallet, put it somewhere less obvious. Take an emergency credit card or charge up a pre-pay one with emergency cash. Running up a debt is preferable to winding up a statistic. Don't give a new guy your regular cell phone number, buy a cheap pre-pay SIM card that you can dispose of if you need to break contact. Don't wear heels or anything you can't sprint in the first time you meet him. Invest in a personal alarm and some mace. If the worst happens and he does attack you, scratch him. That way, you'll have the bastard's DNA.

Another good tip is verifiable details. If this guy is serious about you, he should be willing to send you copies of his I.D. and give you access to his workplace phone number, email and so on. Ask for a utility bill because it will link his name to his address so that if you ever need to report him to the police, you have concrete info. Some may argue that this should work both ways but when you're a hetero female pyl, you're invariably taking a far greater risk than the PYL IMO.

If you're going interstate, why not travel with a friend? You can make it a sightseeing holiday as well. There's no reason to tell your friend you plan on getting kinky, just that you've met a guy through online dating and want to get to know him better. There are lots of benefits to having a chaperone and so long as you don't neglect her too much, I'm sure you can find some alone time with this guy if you decide you want things to progress that far. You can also get your trusted friend's opinion on the guy and ensure you're not seeing just what you want to see. A safecall isn't all that much good to you really if she's hundreds of miles away but having a good friend close by who has met him will put anyone off of taking advantage of you. I also agree with Etoile's advice about restraints. There's plenty of time to get into all that. Don't allow yourself to be locked in a car, room or house. If he has to lock a door, ensure he does not remove the key. If he offers you a drink, make sure you watch him pour it.

Um... scared yet?

sooo I was terrified after the first paragraph. I know I don't want to be dumb and say "he can't possibly be like that" but seriously.....I guess it will all come in time....Thanks for the really smart and level headed insight.

 

[mistressmaxine]

Same as everyone else. Go with your gut instinct, if it feels "off" take a step back.
I have met someone and though it didn't ultimately work out I never felt threatened or unsafe, and if I had I would have been out of there so fast... so follow all the advice above!!!

 

[ShyVixen]

I think everyone has pretty much said it all. Be careful, tell someone where you are going an give them details, don't get kinky on the first meet.

Trust yourself and your instincts.

Hope it all goes well!

 

[gigi1968]

Funny we had just talked about this at our local munch last weekend. Another suggestion is taking picture of car liscense plate and sending it to safecall, along with picture of the person (shows what they were last wearing) and possibly their driver's liscense.

Our local munch "family" as that is what we have become has a few Doms who have volunteered to even go with our newer unattached subs to meet unknown locals....not necessarily to meet, but to be at same place (restaurant or bar, etc.). It may seem a bit overcautious but we recently had one of our members attacked after leaving a restaurant with a new meet. So we as a group decided to be more on the proactive side. He did not like it when she said "NO" on the first meet.

 

[the captians wench]

Trust your instinct. If something seems funky, take a step back, reassess.

And try and curb expectations. I know that sounds hard, when you've got something developed already, but your perceptions colour your online interactions. Things might be a little different rl. Not to say they won't be great though, there's every liklihood they will be. But yeah. Am I making sense?

This was extreamly hard for me, but probably one of the things I worked hardest at. Mom discribed it as waiting for christmas morning. You see the packages under the tree. If you picture what's in them, and visualize what christmas morning will be like, and eventually get your heart set on what it will be like. Then no matter how wonderful it is, if it isn't just like you pictured it, you'll be disapointed.

I had a couple of ideas of things l'd like to see and do, but for the most part I didn't picture anything. The only thing was that he would ask me every few days if things were as I had imagined. I told him that I worked hard not to imagine anything, but they did seem just like we had walked off of the computer screen.

After reading everyone's advice...i think I'm going to wait a few more months to build more trust and security for myself and him too.....It sucks that we're stuck just doing webcams and phone calls but if that's what it takes to build this into something more than it's worth it. thanks for your advice!

It was 6 months of knowing each other, and then 3 years of being serious before I met Jounar face to face. I wouldn't have rushed a minute of that. He knows me inside and out and that level of intemacy is sometimes hard to achieve in a relationship. But we have nothing better to do than chat about everything *giggles*. Enjoy the time you have now, and try to learn as much about each other as you can.

On another note, when I went to visit Jounar for the first time I was travleing from Ohio to Ireland. Now I had known him for more than 3 years at this point, but I was still practical about things.
My mom had: his address, full name, picture, hight and weight, phone number and email address, the hotel's phone number and address, the phone number for the US Embasy in Ireland, and my passport info along with my travel itenerary.

I gave her all of this info in both paper form and in an email, incase she lost either. She also tested me by texting his phone and emailing me to see what my respond time was. I brought with me phone cards, but while I didn't have an issue using them in London, using them in Dublin didn't seem to go too well so he got me a sim card for my phone so that I would have an Irish phone as well.

I felt perfectly safe making my trip, but it was important to me to make sure my loved ones here felt safe as well. If anything happened to me on this trip my mom would have been devistated, so while I didn't have a fear, I did what I felt reasonable to assure her.

The most important thing is, you'll know when it's right. I can't tell you how many times we adjusted that first date, but when it did happen, it just felt perfect. Enjoy this time together, and try not to be in too much of a rush.

 

[Love2Lust]

This was extreamly hard for me, but probably one of the things I worked hardest at. Mom discribed it as waiting for christmas morning. You see the packages under the tree. If you picture what's in them, and visualize what christmas morning will be like, and eventually get your heart set on what it will be like. Then no matter how wonderful it is, if it isn't just like you pictured it, you'll be disapointed.

I had a couple of ideas of things l'd like to see and do, but for the most part I didn't picture anything. The only thing was that he would ask me every few days if things were as I had imagined. I told him that I worked hard not to imagine anything, but they did seem just like we had walked off of the computer screen.



It was 6 months of knowing each other, and then 3 years of being serious before I met Jounar face to face. I wouldn't have rushed a minute of that. He knows me inside and out and that level of intemacy is sometimes hard to achieve in a relationship. But we have nothing better to do than chat about everything *giggles*. Enjoy the time you have now, and try to learn as much about each other as you can.

On another note, when I went to visit Jounar for the first time I was travleing from Ohio to Ireland. Now I had known him for more than 3 years at this point, but I was still practical about things.
My mom had: his address, full name, picture, hight and weight, phone number and email address, the hotel's phone number and address, the phone number for the US Embasy in Ireland, and my passport info along with my travel itenerary.

I gave her all of this info in both paper form and in an email, incase she lost either. She also tested me by texting his phone and emailing me to see what my respond time was. I brought with me phone cards, but while I didn't have an issue using them in London, using them in Dublin didn't seem to go too well so he got me a sim card for my phone so that I would have an Irish phone as well.

I felt perfectly safe making my trip, but it was important to me to make sure my loved ones here felt safe as well. If anything happened to me on this trip my mom would have been devistated, so while I didn't have a fear, I did what I felt reasonable to assure her.

The most important thing is, you'll know when it's right. I can't tell you how many times we adjusted that first date, but when it did happen, it just felt perfect. Enjoy this time together, and try not to be in too much of a rush.

EXTREMELY jealous that you got to meet your online dom AND go to Ireland hahaha

 

[the captians wench]

EXTREMELY jealous that you got to meet your online dom AND go to Ireland hahaha

*giggles* It was an amazing experience in so many ways.

 

[wicked woman]

Funny we had just talked about this at our local munch last weekend. Another suggestion is taking picture of car liscense plate and sending it to safecall, along with picture of the person (shows what they were last wearing) and possibly their driver's liscense.

Our local munch "family" as that is what we have become has a few Doms who have volunteered to even go with our newer unattached subs to meet unknown locals....not necessarily to meet, but to be at same place (restaurant or bar, etc.). It may seem a bit overcautious but we recently had one of our members attacked after leaving a restaurant with a new meet. So we as a group decided to be more on the proactive side. He did not like it when she said "NO" on the first meet.

I'm hoping that the newer unattached subs know the Doms that are offering their service, otherwise the subs are potentially putting themselves in the way of 2 unknown Doms. This isn't so far fetched...a local munch 'family' recently discovered that the munch organizer was abusing the new subs. Abusing as in going beyond agreed upon limits, including leaving permanent marks.

 

[gigi1968]

I'm hoping that the newer unattached subs know the Doms that are offering their service, otherwise the subs are potentially putting themselves in the way of 2 unknown Doms. This isn't so far fetched...a local munch 'family' recently discovered that the munch organizer was abusing the new subs. Abusing as in going beyond agreed upon limits, including leaving permanent marks.

That was mentioned at our munch as well, not that it happened in our group, but was known to happen. If you are unsure about anyone, or if you think they played too hard, make sure you mention it in your group. You may not be the only one this has happened to. I also am of the train of thought that a new sub should watch a Dom play or do a scene at a group party (our group tries to have one every month). This will give you a sense of how that person plays, and what is or is not acceptable. Also give you a chance to talk with others who have possibly played with that Dom as well.
Another thing is to have an established limit list and also safe words. This is probably the most important thing anyone can do before play. The Dom should also know how much real time experience you actually have.

I hope this helps someone.

 

[yourmissl]

Nearly everything that I could offer as advice has already been said! (And I'm sure I could use the same advice, myself. Only I'm not traveling across state boarders, I'm flying intercontinental!) Hmph, SimonBrooke, I have nothing against choosing to let whomever know that I plan on letting you place me in the most precarious of situations. Ah-ha! There's some advice! Since you met your PYL in the world of cyberspace, surely you've generated a few online friends, as well as those of the tangible world. Why not get some of them involved, as well? Not in the meeting, of course. However, the more people that know where you are, who you're with, the lesser the chance of meeting up with an axe murderer. I would think that there would be less a chance for things to go to all hell and back if you're required to check in with more than just one or two people.

Other than that, the only real advice I have for you is to just be yourself. (Cliche, I know). That's one of the nicer things about having met someone online, first. You get the opportunity to have an insight into one's core personality, before physicality comes into play. (Providing there's true honesty going on. I'd think it's a fairly equal number of people who fabricate themselves both online and in person).

You guys are so lovely.

It's bloody encouraging, actually.

 

[SimonBrooke]

You guys are so lovely.

It's bloody encouraging, actually.

Thank you.

That's really touching; I'm very flattered. I shall try to live up to it!

 

[your_vice]

I'm hatching plans to meet LitShark at some point in the not too distant future so I've found it useful to read through this thread. I may be back here to bump it and panic at you guys before I muster the courage to board a plane.

I've lurked and researched on the BDSM forums quite a bit in recent weeks and I'm very impressed by how informative and supportive people are here.

Just sayin'

Oh and a little tip of my own, social networking sites like facebook can be a good way to keep a guy honest. If he can't be the same person to you that he is to friends and family, it's a very bad sign.