SummerMorning
ah...
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ROTFLMAO almost... 
Time for a few laughs
- Thread starter rgraham666
- Start date
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
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In the 1950s there was a NATO exercise based on Gibraltar. There were 14 aircraft carriers in Algeciras Bay together with cruisers, destroyers etc. There wasn't much room for the ships to manoeuvre.
The Spanish were annoyed that the exercise was based on Gibraltar and kept a wary eye on the activities. A US carrier inadvertently infringed Spanish territorial waters while turning. The Spanish sent out a small gunboat to protest.
The Spanish Captain (a lieutenant) signalled "You are in our water".
The US Carrier signalled back "So what?"
The Spanish boat replied. "Get out of our water"
The US Carrier replied "Says Who?"
"I do."
"Want a lift back home, sonny? You are smaller than our launch."
"If you do not leave immediately I will open fire."
"The US Navy will respond to any act of aggression. There are thirty aircraft above you. There are 300 guns of all calibres. What have you got to match that?"
"As much sense of pride and tradition as you have. Think Captain. What would you do in my place?"
"OK, OK. We're moving."
The Spanish gunboat's gun was out of service.
Og
The Spanish were annoyed that the exercise was based on Gibraltar and kept a wary eye on the activities. A US carrier inadvertently infringed Spanish territorial waters while turning. The Spanish sent out a small gunboat to protest.
The Spanish Captain (a lieutenant) signalled "You are in our water".
The US Carrier signalled back "So what?"
The Spanish boat replied. "Get out of our water"
The US Carrier replied "Says Who?"
"I do."
"Want a lift back home, sonny? You are smaller than our launch."
"If you do not leave immediately I will open fire."
"The US Navy will respond to any act of aggression. There are thirty aircraft above you. There are 300 guns of all calibres. What have you got to match that?"
"As much sense of pride and tradition as you have. Think Captain. What would you do in my place?"
"OK, OK. We're moving."
The Spanish gunboat's gun was out of service.
Og
rgraham666
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CrazyyAngel said:
The fan on the toilet made the gun think the toilet was a helicopter, with the mentioned results.
Thanks all. I feel much better now.
Summer, loved the story with the porcupine.
SummerMorning
ah...
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Glad you enjoyed it!
rgraham666 said:
G
Guest
Guest
Tatelou said:
I must be extremely transparent. I've been waiting for someone to ask me the punchline to this one.
Either you all guessed, or you were too afraid to ask, because you fear my mental state.
Lou
SummerMorning
ah...
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I thought the punchline was the absence of one... oh, dear...
G
Guest
Guest
Ok, I'm gonna say it anyway...
Somebody was supposed to ask, "So, what DID the deer say?"
And my reply would've been, "Nothing, silly, deers can't talk!"
(You are then supposed to be left wondering about a fish walking through a forest.)
Funny, eh?
No?
Ok.
Lou
cantdog
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My fire dispatcher told this as a true one. We got him from the crash rescue station out at the base when the base closed and the station was subsumed into the city department. So he knew a lot of refueling pilots.
It seems the refueler was holding course and speed the way they do, and a fighter aircraft came up into refueling position.
They extend a little hose thing which docks with a gizmo on the fighter. But there was something wrong and the refueler finally said, "I don't get a lock," along with other doubtless colorful pilot jargon.
The fighter turned over (quit flying upside down) and said, "Is that better?"
He laughed and said, "It must be a bitch to drive that big fat hog and not be able to really maneuver." (That's manoeuvre if you're British.)
The refueler pilot replied it was a matter of kind, not degree. "I can do things with this bird every bit as impressive as anything you can do with yours," he said.
The fighter peeled off and did a spectacular series of Immelmanns, loops, rolls and whatnot, then came back. "Top that."
The refueler said, "Here goes." But he did absolutely nothing but hold course and speed in a straight line.
After a bit, the fighter prompted him to start already. "I am," said the refueler, and continued to bore on, straight as a die.
"But you aren't doing anything," complained the fighter pilot.
"Yeah, but I can do this for another... 2 hours and twenty minutes," said the refueler pilot, checking his gauges. "How's your fuel level doing?"
"Holy shit! " replied the fighter, and he lined up immediately, right side up, and requested refueling.
The true ones are never as good.
cantdog
It seems the refueler was holding course and speed the way they do, and a fighter aircraft came up into refueling position.
They extend a little hose thing which docks with a gizmo on the fighter. But there was something wrong and the refueler finally said, "I don't get a lock," along with other doubtless colorful pilot jargon.
The fighter turned over (quit flying upside down) and said, "Is that better?"
He laughed and said, "It must be a bitch to drive that big fat hog and not be able to really maneuver." (That's manoeuvre if you're British.)
The refueler pilot replied it was a matter of kind, not degree. "I can do things with this bird every bit as impressive as anything you can do with yours," he said.
The fighter peeled off and did a spectacular series of Immelmanns, loops, rolls and whatnot, then came back. "Top that."
The refueler said, "Here goes." But he did absolutely nothing but hold course and speed in a straight line.
After a bit, the fighter prompted him to start already. "I am," said the refueler, and continued to bore on, straight as a die.
"But you aren't doing anything," complained the fighter pilot.
"Yeah, but I can do this for another... 2 hours and twenty minutes," said the refueler pilot, checking his gauges. "How's your fuel level doing?"
"Holy shit! " replied the fighter, and he lined up immediately, right side up, and requested refueling.
The true ones are never as good.
cantdog
minsue
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Tatelou said:I must be extremely transparent. I've been waiting for someone to ask me the punchline to this one.
Either you all guessed, or you were too afraid to ask, because you fear my mental state.
Lou
If I was still here at the time, I would have asked sweets.
Reminds me of a joke that I tried to tell to 3 different people and it backfired all 3 times. (Dammit, I thought it was funny when it was told to me!
) I don't think 'knock-knock' jokes can have much success when being read, but hell it had no success when being told so what the hell! "knock knock"
"who's there?"
"a control freak. (now this is the part where you say, "a control freak who?")"
Two people that I told the joke to immediately said, "a control freak who?" and the third (my father) just looked at me and said, "I'm not going to say that". Not one got that fact that they had just heard the punchline and that the joke was over. I've decided to tell myself it was just my audience and not my joke-telling skills.
cantdog
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untrue one
Guy requests a sandwich from a bakery with a lunch counter.
The woman gets out a loaf of bread and slices one off, the long way, a great long slice the length of the loaf.
"What are you doing!?" says the customer.
"I don't want to cut it against the grain," replied the woman in a reasonable tone.
"But there's no grain in bread!"
*rim shot *
Guy requests a sandwich from a bakery with a lunch counter.
The woman gets out a loaf of bread and slices one off, the long way, a great long slice the length of the loaf.
"What are you doing!?" says the customer.
"I don't want to cut it against the grain," replied the woman in a reasonable tone.
"But there's no grain in bread!"
*rim shot *
SeaCat
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A fighter pilot pulls up next to a refueler. While he's onloading fuel the pilot of the fighter chat's with the crew and pilots of the fueler. During the chat he comments he can do anything the fueler can do and more. His plane is more manueverable, faster, and carries weapons. Pissed the pilot of the fueler is quiet for a couple of minutes then asks the fighter pilot if he can match what he has done.cantdog said:
"And what's that?" The cocky pilot asks.
"I've shut down three of my engines an can still stay in the air." Replies the fueler pilot.
cantdog
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helicopter
A fellow firefighter was a chopper pilot in the ANG (the Air National Guard, but they called it the FANG usually).
He was taking some VIPs out for a ride, no particular mission, just a PR thing.
He was significantly off his flight path, because the country club roof in Orono often had sunbathers with their tits in the air, and, well, he's male, dude.
The tower called him to tell him he seemed to have left his filed path, but he made noises like static: *chhhrk*!
"*Chrrrk! Ck!* Sorry, tower *chhhrk!* You're coming in all garbled and stupid *chhrrrk!*" said he, and overflew the Country Club, hovering.
He's in a Huey, the old Vietnam-era bird, the UH-14 or whatever it really is. Those things have rotors which are a weird sandwich construction with a sort of rigid foam core.
Suddenly he loses all lift, the main rotor is out of balance, he has to react very fast, but he manages to shut down before he spins the out-of-true rotor to pieces in a catastrophic failure. He can auto-rotate to the grass, and does.
No injuries except to his pride. the investigation determines that he was struck by a golf ball, shattering a chip out of the rotor. There is a lengthy investigation of the incident which becomes a top-secret thing for a while, since if you can bring a helicopter down with a golf ball, wouldn't that be a nice cheap weapon for use against helicopters?
But nothing comes of it; the R & D people cite the frequency stats and tell the brass there is no real point in firing into the circle of the rotor since the blades are likely to be in any one place too seldom to make it an effective target.
He is able to finesse the whole problem of being in the Country Club air space away because of the momentary interest generated by all this, and keep on as a captain and keep on flying Hueys, but it was a very near thing.
His commander went to bat for him, citing the fine reaction time under unexpected fire (!) which allowed him to deposit everyone safely on the earth, due to his split second of quick thinking and his subsequent smooth handling of the controlled crash.
He told me he was even put in for a medal, although it never came through. It was enough to counterbalance the other aspects of the flight, though.
There had been two topless women and a good amount of satisfaction on the part of the VIPs, but as far as he knows, nobody asked the VIPs what they thought about it.
Why are we swapping army stories, anyway?
A fellow firefighter was a chopper pilot in the ANG (the Air National Guard, but they called it the FANG usually).
He was taking some VIPs out for a ride, no particular mission, just a PR thing.
He was significantly off his flight path, because the country club roof in Orono often had sunbathers with their tits in the air, and, well, he's male, dude.
The tower called him to tell him he seemed to have left his filed path, but he made noises like static: *chhhrk*!
"*Chrrrk! Ck!* Sorry, tower *chhhrk!* You're coming in all garbled and stupid *chhrrrk!*" said he, and overflew the Country Club, hovering.
He's in a Huey, the old Vietnam-era bird, the UH-14 or whatever it really is. Those things have rotors which are a weird sandwich construction with a sort of rigid foam core.
Suddenly he loses all lift, the main rotor is out of balance, he has to react very fast, but he manages to shut down before he spins the out-of-true rotor to pieces in a catastrophic failure. He can auto-rotate to the grass, and does.
No injuries except to his pride. the investigation determines that he was struck by a golf ball, shattering a chip out of the rotor. There is a lengthy investigation of the incident which becomes a top-secret thing for a while, since if you can bring a helicopter down with a golf ball, wouldn't that be a nice cheap weapon for use against helicopters?
But nothing comes of it; the R & D people cite the frequency stats and tell the brass there is no real point in firing into the circle of the rotor since the blades are likely to be in any one place too seldom to make it an effective target.
He is able to finesse the whole problem of being in the Country Club air space away because of the momentary interest generated by all this, and keep on as a captain and keep on flying Hueys, but it was a very near thing.
His commander went to bat for him, citing the fine reaction time under unexpected fire (!) which allowed him to deposit everyone safely on the earth, due to his split second of quick thinking and his subsequent smooth handling of the controlled crash.
He told me he was even put in for a medal, although it never came through. It was enough to counterbalance the other aspects of the flight, though.
There had been two topless women and a good amount of satisfaction on the part of the VIPs, but as far as he knows, nobody asked the VIPs what they thought about it.
Why are we swapping army stories, anyway?
G
Guest
Guest
Re: helicopter
Thank you! I don't get military stories, mostly boring. But if the guys like 'em, fine. P.cantdog said:
rgraham666
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Re: helicopter
My fault, mea culpa.
Just remembered another one.
About the same time as the Sgt. York, the military was working on a coffee maker for the PC-3 Orion sub hunter. This plane sometimes spends up to 20 hours in the air so the crew needs coffee.
Of course, they can't just find one on the market. Oh no. The coffee maker must meet MILSPEC, military specifications. It costs $10,000 (US) to meet MILSPEC.
So they create a coffe maker that can survive 10,000 Gs of acceleration (or deceleration).
The result is, if the Orion crashes…
the people that come to pick up the pieces will have hot coffee waiting fot them.
Of course if you need a laugh there's alwaysThe Darwin Awards.
cantdog said:
My fault, mea culpa.
Just remembered another one.
About the same time as the Sgt. York, the military was working on a coffee maker for the PC-3 Orion sub hunter. This plane sometimes spends up to 20 hours in the air so the crew needs coffee.
Of course, they can't just find one on the market. Oh no. The coffee maker must meet MILSPEC, military specifications. It costs $10,000 (US) to meet MILSPEC.
So they create a coffe maker that can survive 10,000 Gs of acceleration (or deceleration).
The result is, if the Orion crashes…
the people that come to pick up the pieces will have hot coffee waiting fot them.
Of course if you need a laugh there's alwaysThe Darwin Awards.
cantdog
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diplomatic history
Pycrete.
There was considerable rancor in 1941 about the way to dislodge Hitler from the continent, more in 1942. The Americans, insular go-getters as they are, wanted to toss Pittsburgh directly at the Ruhr and attack across the channel.
It is so obvious, though. The British were reluctant to bash into the strongest part of the walls and lose all the inevitable lives doing it. Churchill sketched a crocodile, and advised against the snout as a prudent point of attack, suggesting the soft underbelly of Europe instead.
At the peak of this American/British controversy, Montgomery had an enthusiasm. Unsinkable aircraft carriers made from icebergs. Ice, though, spalls off in chunks under fire, but Monty had a solution-- pycrete!
Freeze water with sawdust in it! You could build your aerodrome surface of it!
By way of demonstration he had a huge block of each, ice and pycrete, wheeled into the Combined Chiefs' meeting room (all the heads of services from both countries met frequently during the war). Aides passing innocently by in the corridor, then, suddenly heard the discharge of pistols in the room!
"O my God, they're so upset about the second front they're shooting each other!"
cantdog
Pycrete.
There was considerable rancor in 1941 about the way to dislodge Hitler from the continent, more in 1942. The Americans, insular go-getters as they are, wanted to toss Pittsburgh directly at the Ruhr and attack across the channel.
It is so obvious, though. The British were reluctant to bash into the strongest part of the walls and lose all the inevitable lives doing it. Churchill sketched a crocodile, and advised against the snout as a prudent point of attack, suggesting the soft underbelly of Europe instead.
At the peak of this American/British controversy, Montgomery had an enthusiasm. Unsinkable aircraft carriers made from icebergs. Ice, though, spalls off in chunks under fire, but Monty had a solution-- pycrete!
Freeze water with sawdust in it! You could build your aerodrome surface of it!
By way of demonstration he had a huge block of each, ice and pycrete, wheeled into the Combined Chiefs' meeting room (all the heads of services from both countries met frequently during the war). Aides passing innocently by in the corridor, then, suddenly heard the discharge of pistols in the room!
"O my God, they're so upset about the second front they're shooting each other!"
cantdog
lucky-E-leven
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LITTLE TONY ON PHILOSOPHY
A young teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on LITTLE TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then LITTLE TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which LITTLE TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
A young teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on LITTLE TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then LITTLE TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which LITTLE TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Octavian
Literotica Guru
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
Octavian
“Encase your majestic tree of manhood in the sublimely soft wondrous wet hallowed depths of my body,” she implored.
“Oh,” he replied, “you mean you wanna fuck!”
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
Octavian
“Encase your majestic tree of manhood in the sublimely soft wondrous wet hallowed depths of my body,” she implored.
“Oh,” he replied, “you mean you wanna fuck!”
