Threesome

[karndav]

I posted this on the general board but I am wondering if I will get different answers over here. My husband and I are thinking of entering a new phase of our sexual lives and are thinking of having a threesome. There is a man who has been emailing us since I first posted pictures on a different board and we have gottne to know each other quite well. We are thinking of meeting each other for an "informal" getting to know you meeting to see how things go. Here are my questions for those of you that have had or continue to have threesome how do you pick your parnters? Is it with someone you know or a stranger? has it enhanced or harmed your relationship if you are in a commited relationship already? If it is with someone you don't really know, how do you bring up being D/D free?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

 

[midwestyankee]

I posted this on the general board but I am wondering if I will get different answers over here. My husband and I are thinking of entering a new phase of our sexual lives and are thinking of having a threesome. There is a man who has been emailing us since I first posted pictures on a different board and we have gottne to know each other quite well. We are thinking of meeting each other for an "informal" getting to know you meeting to see how things go. Here are my questions for those of you that have had or continue to have threesome how do you pick your parnters? Is it with someone you know or a stranger? has it enhanced or harmed your relationship if you are in a commited relationship already? If it is with someone you don't really know, how do you bring up being D/D free?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

I've no relevant experience to draw on but it only seems reasonable that you would do better with someone you know, at least to some extent. There are issues of emotional compatibility as well as physical health (STDs, etc., especially) to consider. If you don't have a good reason to believe that the person you may sleep with as a couple is telling you the truth about his (or her) health, you may want to shy away out of a regard for your own safety.

The other factor is the emotional fallout from a three-way. I've read numerous threads here in which people have related stories about losing friendships following a three-way, a consequence for which they were completely unprepared.

No doubt others will weigh in shortly.

 

[EJFan]

i have one, impromptu threesome (MMF) so i can't really advise, but here's my two cents anyway...

IIs it with someone you know or a stranger?

personally, i'd recommend you know the third party and know them well. it may not be someone you know NOW but you should get to know them as a friend before you go having a sexual relationship with them.

has it enhanced or harmed your relationship if you are in a commited relationship already?

you have to be in a strong, commmitted relationship to make this work to begin with. if you're on the skids now, you'll REALLY be fucked up if you do this. if you're good communicators and have a strong, loving, caring relationship then you CAN make this work well... emphasis on "can" as everyone's different and this is just the basic foundation.

If it is with someone you don't really know, how do you bring up being D/D free?

early and often... and VERY frankly. if you have pride in yourself and you care for the health & well being of you and your SO you very simply make it abundantly clear that THIS IS A MUST. you bring it up early (never let anything become a surprise) and observe this person as you get to know them... see if they can be trusted because it's easy to SAY you're D&D free but that doesn't mean much unless it's an honest, honorable person saying it.

EDIT TO ADD:

What about if your spouse had met someone online and developed a friendship with them (nonsexual) and kept it secret from you for many years. (four to be exact) These are what I have just recently discovered my husband has been doing. He became addicted to the cybering. He has not been online chatting since I found out two months ago although he still comes to this site to read the stories that are posted. (That never bothered me) I caught him cybering a few years ago and I thought it stopped. I felt like I had been cheated on. We are working on the trust issues because I love my husband very much and am committed to my marriage.

this post you left a couple of weeks ago would lead me to believe that you may not be in a place to explore threesomes just now... but that's just IMHO.

 

[silverwhisper]

a lot of the questions are addressed in threads indexed in the blank manual, post #8, btw.

jealousy is IMHO the single biggest threat to a relationship. there's no way of knowing whether your feelings about the matter prior will still be the same ones you experience during or afterwards. that's the tricky one.

ed

 

[karndav]

i have one, impromptu threesome (MMF) so i can't really advise, but here's my two cents anyway...



personally, i'd recommend you know the third party and know them well. it may not be someone you know NOW but you should get to know them as a friend before you go having a sexual relationship with them.



you have to be in a strong, commmitted relationship to make this work to begin with. if you're on the skids now, you'll REALLY be fucked up if you do this. if you're good communicators and have a strong, loving, caring relationship then you CAN make this work well... emphasis on "can" as everyone's different and this is just the basic foundation.



early and often... and VERY frankly. if you have pride in yourself and you care for the health & well being of you and your SO you very simply make it abundantly clear that THIS IS A MUST. you bring it up early (never let anything become a surprise) and observe this person as you get to know them... see if they can be trusted because it's easy to SAY you're D&D free but that doesn't mean much unless it's an honest, honorable person saying it.

EDIT TO ADD:

this post you left a couple of weeks ago would lead me to believe that you may not be in a place to explore threesomes just now... but that's just IMHO.

Your right i did post that. I have since been working my ass off to keep him focused on me and not on others! i worry we may be moving to fast withthis but i truly love him and he seems to want this and right now I am willing to do everything he wants to keep him fulfilled sexually! We have spent the last couple of months communicating alot more since this incident happened and since we have we have gotten alot closer. Things he used to call her for he now talks to me about, as it should of been in the first place.

 

[EJFan]

it sounds like HE wants it and you're not so sure.

this is no way to help a marriage... this is an activity that SOME married couples with secure footing engage in. if there's ANY chance that you're not PERFECTLY COMMITTED to one another then my suggestion is to wait or avoid it completely.

i'm excited to hear about your progress... let it continue though. you can't recover from something that existed for years in a matter of weeks. be patient and keep up the good work.

 

[SweetErika]

I posted this on the general board but I am wondering if I will get different answers over here. My husband and I are thinking of entering a new phase of our sexual lives and are thinking of having a threesome. There is a man who has been emailing us since I first posted pictures on a different board and we have gottne to know each other quite well. We are thinking of meeting each other for an "informal" getting to know you meeting to see how things go.

Here are my questions for those of you that have had or continue to have threesome how do you pick your parnters? Is it with someone you know or a stranger?

My partners have been my husband, old friends/lovers, girlfriends, and their husbands. Yes, it can put the friendship on the line, but I wouldn't want to be involved with some semi-random person I didn't share a lot of trust and some sort of an emotional connection with (but that's just me...random works well for others). The other key is that these are people I'd already established good communication with, so in all but one case, we all did a good job dealing with the aftermath.

has it enhanced or harmed your relationship if you are in a commited relationship already?

What I've experienced in this relationship has enhanced it, BUT:
-They were all carefully considered, joint decisions
-We talk and continue to communicate about everything, including our relationship
-My hubby has NO jealousy issues
-There is nothing else going on in our relationship, and things like trust have never been issues
-We discuss and are confident we can deal with worst-case scenarios like pregnancy and diseases.
-We set boundaries and stick to them (the big one is no intercourse, due to the possible consequences, though he's said he doesn't care if I do it with a man he knows and trusts).

So all of these things work together to make it positive, but I can easily imagine it going the other way if just one thing was amiss. In another relationship, there have been jealousy issues on the part of another person. Either way, it takes a hell of a lot of work for it not to destroy the relationship.

If it is with someone you don't really know, how do you bring up being D/D free?

I've talked about this will every partner. Bringing it up has never been a problem... I just say something like, "Hey, one of the things we need to discuss is health and safety. What have you thought about, or what are your plans?" The other person has always been relieved I brought it up (I've felt the same when they've brached it first), and the conversation goes from there. I was just reading a bunch of infor on herpes yesterday, and it reinforced that you can't really trust when someone says they are clean because most don't notice they have it (yet by 50, 90% of Americans carry either type).

I think the best way to go is for everyone to get comprehensive testing (you may need to ask specifically for them to test for HSV and HPV), and proceed from there. I'd never allow penetration without a condom, but depending on the tests, I would do oral without protection. This is one of the areas that trust helps me... by having a trusting relationship with the person, we both can be honest about our histories, health status, and whether or not we've been involved with others since testing.


On a related note, because you have had trust issues with your husband in the past, I'd caution you to take a really examine any emotions behind this desire. I have known women who wanted a MFM or FFM after they found out their S.O. had been involved with someone else. I'm not saying that is the case for you, or that any of this has to do with his activities, but it's worth some soul searching.

 

[SweetErika]

it sounds like HE wants it and you're not so sure.

this is no way to help a marriage... this is an activity that SOME married couples with secure footing engage in. if there's ANY chance that you're not PERFECTLY COMMITTED to one another then my suggestion is to wait or avoid it completely.

i'm excited to hear about your progress... let it continue though. you can't recover from something that existed for years in a matter of weeks. be patient and keep up the good work.

EJ, for a chauvanist prick, you're giving really excellent advice on all of this.

Karen, I was multitasking and didn't see either you nor EJ's recent posts. I've told you before how wonderful I think it is that you're trying to reconnect instead of letting this tear you apart, but all of that could be for naught if you do this for the wrong reasons or without a completely solid relationship. Keep talking and growing, fantasize together, continue to build your relationship with this guy you're considering if you want.

As I said, I've seen a situation in which the husband did something, the wife found out, and they both wanted to bring someone else into the bedroom. As it turned out, deep down he felt it would absolve him of the guilt of hiding his prior activities AND sort of give him something to hold against her ('See? Now you've been with someone else too...we're equal.'). She wanted to do it for herself, but inside, she suspected it would (a) bring him back and make him not want to cheat again, and (b) make her feel better about his lying because they'd be "equal" even though everything she was doing was out in the open and he supported it. They went through with it, both felt guilty, and had A LOT of problems afterwards.

Even if you're doing it out of love and devotion to your husband, chances are, you'll feel guilty. Even I've felt that simply because it was going against society's standards (not to mention religion, but I'm not religious) and was supposed to be "wrong/bad." I can't imagine it working if we both weren't in it for ourselves and eachother or if there was any kind of imbalance.

I just don't want you to have to walk that path if that's where you're headed and you can avoid it. There are lots of ways to spice it up without doing something that can be so destructive... cyber/webcam/phone as a threesome, watch porn, read stories, flirt, etc. In time, you'll come to a point where it just feels right, or it doesn't feel right.

 

[karndav]

Thank you for al the heart felt advice. I guess i still have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do on this issue yet. I want to make sure I am soing it for the right reason as you all have stated.

 

[Eilan]

Well, I sure got to this one too late! You've been given some excellent advice, BTW.

 

[intuition897]

I'm coming in a little late here, too, but thought I'd chime in anyhow.

I'd just have to say "Ditto" to the above advice. Karndav, as was suggested above, if you're doing it as a last ditch effort to hang on to your relationship or his sexual attention, you'll be disappointed. Badly. You said:

I have since been working my ass off to keep him focused on me and not on others!

If your concern is that he'll find others more attractive or sexually exciting than you, don't do this. You can't equate how devoted he is to you or how much he loves you with how sexually attracted to you he is. Not if you want to successfully incorporate third parties in your sexual play.

I always like to say that giving your partner the green light to have sex with others is a gift you give, and one that should be received with deep appreciation. It should never be taken for granted, demanded nor expected.

Sure hope things work out for you two one way or the other. The progress you've mentioned is terrific! Keep us all posted.

 

[karndav]

I think our relationship has improved greatly in the last few months. I have taken things I have learned here and incoperated it into our relationship. I have alwyas been a pleaser and have tried to do things to please him, its just lately I have been putting much more effort into it. I dress sexier, more to please him like going with out panties on his request, letting him post my pics, turning a weeks vacation alone together into a week of fulfilling his every fantasy (o at least the ones he could come up with at that time)and I have been reaping the benefits as well. our sex life which was always good, has improved dramatically and has become much more frequent. I have become more agressive which he likes and more vocal about some of my wants and needs also. It is not all one sided, he is very generous in bed (and out of it) and works hard to make sure i am enjoying myself as well.

We have started to communicate more, or I should say he has started to. I have always talked to him but he was never as open with me about some family issues we had with our oldest son. But that has changed. he no longer chats online, he says he is no longer interestedin doing it all which means I must be doing something right!

 

[EJFan]

i think that's excellent, karndave. isn't it amazing what can happen when communication is practiced?

i hope this change/improvement to your marriage is mutual... is he doing new and thoughtful things for YOUR pleasure as well?

 

[Eilan]

I think our relationship has improved greatly in the last few months. I have taken things I have learned here and incoperated it into our relationship. I have alwyas been a pleaser and have tried to do things to please him, its just lately I have been putting much more effort into it. I dress sexier, more to please him like going with out panties on his request, letting him post my pics, turning a weeks vacation alone together into a week of fulfilling his every fantasy (o at least the ones he could come up with at that time)and I have been reaping the benefits as well. our sex life which was always good, has improved dramatically and has become much more frequent. I have become more agressive which he likes and more vocal about some of my wants and needs also. It is not all one sided, he is very generous in bed (and out of it) and works hard to make sure i am enjoying myself as well.

Okay, I guess you touched on it a bit there at the end, but what is HE doing to please YOU? Sure, you're going to benefit from what you're doing differently, but it seems to me (based solely on this post, mind you) that things are a bit one-sided.

I know that it's difficult to be vocal about your own needs when you're not used to being that way to begin with. Just make sure that what you want/need doesn't get forgotten about.

Good luck.

 

[M's girl]

Your right i did post that. I have since been working my ass off to keep him focused on me and not on others! i worry we may be moving to fast withthis but i truly love him and he seems to want this and right now I am willing to do everything he wants to keep him fulfilled sexually! We have spent the last couple of months communicating alot more since this incident happened and since we have we have gotten alot closer. Things he used to call her for he now talks to me about, as it should of been in the first place.

Karen?!?!

YOU have since been working your ass off to keep him focused?! Please read again and again and again and take a step back. Now.... what is wrong with this picture...?

Please, this is not the way to solve your problems! You did not even have enough time to have your faith and trust in him restored (a job that should be his for the major part!). For years he has not been honest with you to say the least and although he may not have put his dick somewhere else, in his mind he did. There's nothing wrong with that if it had been just a fantasy or if he talked to you about this from the start to explore the possibilities, but then you would have been part of the proces and decisions. Am I way off by assuming that he at least thought you would not be into introducing someone else into your sexlife? Why else would he have done all this (phonesex and chatting with other women) behind your back?

At this moment IMHO he should be the one working his ass off to make right what he made wrong. He spent YEARS! with other women thus at least putting a wedge somewhere in what you believed to be a solid marriage/relationship. How can you be so sure (I don't think you are) that you've dealt with this in only a few weeks?

It sounds to me like you are at the brink of rewarding him for his behaviour that you were so upset about only a while ago. I would say YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THIS. If you "reward" him with this act..... wouldn't you say you are putting the door wide open for whatever he fancies next?

Please be careful!

 

[karndav]

help!! Ok now my mind is going is so many directions!! Even though Dave says the entire situationa and fallout from it is his fault I have never gotten entirely past the fact that my shortcomings had something to dowith it. I thought things were fine. But appaerenatly they weren't and he needed something that i wasn't providing and he didn't feel comfortable asking for, hence the need for me to make sure I provide EVERYTHING he mentions now.

The strategy so to speaks seems to be working, we are closer than ever, sexually, spiritually, communicating better than ever, you name it, it's better.

As for my needs, I had trouble at first having orgasms after I first found out but that problem seems to be getting better with time. He makes sure that i am feeling pleasure and doing things that i like in bed too, maybe he is taking more than giving right now, but is that because I am giving so much and not taking?

I know I have low self esteem problems but I am better than I used to be. iused to think I had no worth at all! Now I know I am at least good for more than having babies, cooking cleaning and having sex!

 

[wicked woman]

Another vote for defintely NOT having a threesome at this point in your relationship. Not sure why you're even considering it...other than the fact that he wants it and you're willing to do anything to please him. A red flad to me.

I'd take a step back ....continue to work on building your self esteem. Frankly I think you'll look at your relationship...and the possibility of having a threesome... a lot differently from a stronger position.

Nothing wrong with threesomes...but they're not to fix a relationship...the relationship has to be strong to start with....and I don't see that you're there.

 

[M's girl]

help!! Ok now my mind is going is so many directions!! Even though Dave says the entire situationa and fallout from it is his fault I have never gotten entirely past the fact that my shortcomings had something to dowith it. I thought things were fine. But appaerenatly they weren't and he needed something that i wasn't providing and he didn't feel comfortable asking for, hence the need for me to make sure I provide EVERYTHING he mentions now.

Karen!!!! NO!

Djeeez, I'm telling you, you are going to make me cry and I'm not joking! OK, so your sexlife was not as fulfilling as it could have been. Why? Because of a lack of good communication on both sides. He didn't get what he wanted because the TWO OF YOU were not talking. And now YOU have to make it up to him? Come on....

Please, please think about this VERY well before you get even deeper into this shit. It's fine you are working out the differences now (finally) but look how he thought he would solve the problem first.... excluding you....
I really am glad to hear things are working out but take it slow, it looks to me like you are about to overcompensate for something that wasn't even your fault to begin with... at least not entirely.

I'm not trying to patronize you but you scare the hell out of me saying these things.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

help!! Ok now my mind is going is so many directions!! Even though Dave says the entire situationa and fallout from it is his fault I have never gotten entirely past the fact that my shortcomings had something to dowith it. I thought things were fine. But appaerenatly they weren't and he needed something that i wasn't providing and he didn't feel comfortable asking for, hence the need for me to make sure I provide EVERYTHING he mentions now.

Ack.

All I can say is that you can feel that your shortcomings had "something to do with it" all you want to -- it does not absolve him of the fact that he did NOT communicate with you the issues and he CHOSE to step outside of your relationship.

The strategy so to speaks seems to be working, we are closer than ever, sexually, spiritually, communicating better than ever, you name it, it's better.

As harsh as this may sound, it sounds like the bullying is better too. He has you thinking of a threesome because it'll please him and it'll be what it takes to make him happy?

I've been in one threesome over 10 years ago. I did it for the guy, and felt weird (for a myriad of reasons) afterwards. I couldn't enjoy it because the entire time I wondered if it made him happy, would it be enough to make him happy, did he see how much I loved him by doing this?

I'm not a fan of threesomes, but I can see how they can be used as a creative extension of an already solid marriage. My advice is don't use it for marriage therapy. It won't work and will simply exacerbate already present issues.

As for my needs, I had trouble at first having orgasms after I first found out but that problem seems to be getting better with time. He makes sure that i am feeling pleasure and doing things that i like in bed too, maybe he is taking more than giving right now, but is that because I am giving so much and not taking?

I don't think it's so much that you're not taking...maybe you need to step back a bit if you can, and see if he's actually offering anything for you to take?

I know I have low self esteem problems but I am better than I used to be. iused to think I had no worth at all! Now I know I am at least good for more than having babies, cooking cleaning and having sex!

Been there, done that. Hang in there, and work on you. As much as you love him, believe it or not, you should be your first priority. That sounds selfish, and against how women are raised. But I've learned that everything is temporary; nothing is permanent.

You should be your first priority. Figure out what YOU want and go from there.

 

[penbeatsword]

Look before you leap....look HARD!!!!!

Okay, as someone who's had threesomes and a foursome before (and am a fan of them) I am absolutely siding with the majority of voices in this thread. I would not recommend you pursue this at this time in YOUR life, not to mention your relationship. Some thoughts:

1) Unless I skimmed past it, I have not heard you say anywhere in your posts that YOU are really turned on by the idea and that YOU want this to happen for your own pleasure and learning experience, not just for you and your man. YOU have to be into it, first and foremost. Doing it just to please someone else will most likely result in all kinds of negative feelings for you.

2) It is one thing to do something to please someone else, but at your expense is not a compromise that is worth it or healthy, especially as it appears your relationship has not had a history of being solid in terms of your trust issues.

3) As mentioned before, if you do it with someone you know and trust, there is always the chance that you will have problems (regret, jealously, paranoia) after the fact, and that could jeopardize your friendship and relationship. However, I also side with those who say choose someone you know and trust. This is not an era where the worst that could happen is a few painful sores every now and then. There is stuff out there that could seriously debilitate if not kill you outright. Plus, while you could screw up your friendship, it could also not be negatively affected by it (or possibly could even make it stronger).

4) Honestly is the best policy. The multiple partner experiences I had were positive ones in great part due to the fact that we were all very upfront about it, what was acceptable/unacceptable, the parameters, the D/D issue (and I don't mean Dungeons and Dragons), etc. Put it out in the open; some would argue it's less exciting because there's less mystery, but it's a better type of exciting than finding out that "your partner got really upset because you had anal from the other person and you never let your hubby do it before and he always wanted to" type of thing. For example.

5) Keep drugs/intoxicating status out of the picture. Being under the influence can lead to so REALLY BAD decision making. If you NEED to be high or shitfaced to feel comfortable enough to do it, then you really shouldn't be doing it.

There's probably more, but I can't think of it at the moment. Behold, the power of sleep depravation!

-A

 

[kenstrus2]

Here are my two cents. I have had been involved in threesomes in the past with my ex spouse. Being secure in your relationship is the top priority before thinking or attempting to engage in bringing extra partners in to the bedroom. Communicating what you both want out of the situation. Getting to know the person helps to alleviate questions of being D/D free. This is definitely an important subject this day in age as well.

Bringing a 3rd party in can excite your sex life but its not worth the emotional toll on a relationship either. Failing to be totally secure with your partner is the biggest mistake one can make when starting these activties. I hope this helps and if anyone wants to chat feel free to PM me.

 

[Eilan]

OK, so your sexlife was not as fulfilling as it could have been. Why? Because of a lack of good communication on both sides. He didn't get what he wanted because the TWO OF YOU were not talking.

I thought this needed to be repeated. With emphasis.

 

[karndav]

With things getting better and communication on a all time high shouldn't i do all I can to foster this high in our relationship? Isn't love about doing all you can to make the othe person happy and fulfilled and content??

 

[EJFan]

With things getting better and communication on a all time high shouldn't i do all I can to foster this high in our relationship? Isn't love about doing all you can to make the othe person happy and fulfilled and content??

yes. but it should be mutual. only a COUPLE can solve a couple's problems. one person can't do it.

 

[Eilan]

With things getting better and communication on a all time high shouldn't i do all I can to foster this high in our relationship? Isn't love about doing all you can to make the othe person happy and fulfilled and content??

Yeah, love is about that, among other things. And you should be trying to make him happy and keep him fulfilled. But HE should be doing those things for you as well. That's really all that the other posters have been saying.

It just sounds from your posts that you're doing ALL the work (or at least the lion's share of it), and if that's the case, then that's unfair.